This has been a journey thru Kansasgals head

I started this blog when I was at my lowest ebb in life, I really didnt care if I lived or died.
I felt no one cared, and no one really gave a shit if i lived or died.
I had lost my buisness, my dad, his inheritance, my love of my life, my mom, my marriage which meant everything to me, and the fact that, nothing was working in my life.
Everything I did, turned to shit, and I just didnt know where to turn, or what to do anylonger.

I needed to have something to believe in

I needed someone to believe in me.

My marriage was over at least 1 year before It ended, but, i hung in there for 12 years hoping it would work out...But as much as i loved him, he couldnt show me he loved me back, other than a great sex life, we had money, we had a home, we had everyting, except, intimacy....nothing together other than material things....and lust.....

I left him, and he set me free.

I wanted to regret leaving and having lost yet another marrage, but.....i had died inside and really didnt feel anything anylonger.
Going to California for a "getaway" to meet an online friend, got me nothing but raped, and, finished emotionally.
I went home with out what i had hoped for renewed feelings for my husband, instead, came home with shame, and fear he would find out i had un-intended, un-invited, sex.
The guy in california, lied, did everything he could to get me to have sex with him, even tho he had promised he was just a friend who wanted me to come out and visit and get my head put on straight.
I have not told many people this, but, it is finally time to tell it.
I had just gotten my computer, I was finally "connected" to the world.

I wanted nothing more than to find my bio family, my little sister, my little brother, anyone else whom I had not found yet. I joined a chat room for adopties. Back then, in 1995-6 it was easy to hook up with people, and, just made a new family. We had a good time chatting about our hunt for family, and brought joy when a find happened.
They even had reunions to meet each other on the chat room.

My marriage was on the rocks, bad choices had taken us into a stupid decision of trying to raise EMU's and, loosing our money, things were going down fast....
I walked out, I left him, to deal with the mess himself....for that I am sorry....
but....he gave me nothing to hang on to....

after I got back from California, the fear of him finding out what had happened in California
made me want to move out even faster.
I ddnt want to hurt him by him finding out....I NEVER EVER wanted to be unfaithful to him.....
and I was, but not by choice. The only choice I had was a bad one, I choose to go to California...which...was the bad choice.
I had an awesome time, but, with the wrong person.
I should have pushed my ex to go with me, but, instead, I flew into another mans arm's.
But NEVER intended on having sex with him.

After the incident, he made me feel like shit, and, treated me horribly.
He was the most awful man I have ever met in my life, but, yet online he was so "sincere, so loving, so willing to be my "soulmate" The person who understood all my thoughts, and feelings.
Oh boy was he practiced! Funny thing is, the internet wasnt even out there very far, so, he was a fast learner or had been practicing on realife women for many years!
He talked me into bording a plane and flying half across america to just "visit" in real life.
yeah right, he immediatly started trying to get me into bed. He didnt STOP until he had worn me down, and, after, he says "oh God, I feel so dirty"
and refused to talk to me, actually took me to the airport, dumped my bags and left while i went to the bathroom. WHAT A JERK!
I forgive him, as I hope my ex has forgiven me. I am sure he found out, but,
never said anything to me. I had left my journals there when i moved out. Sigh, I think he read them.

He ended up having a meth lab in our home, and got caught, ended up in prison, and, has done his time, but, we never could reconnect, we tried, i tried, but, with out the sex he wasnt interested. I had to let him go this time....it tore my heart out, but, its over ....

I didnt date another man until the day i signed the divorce papers of a divorce i never wanted.
I loved him so so very much, or, should i say, lusted after him?
We had such good sex! WOW....

Its been 10 years since the day my mister wonderful rang the phone looking for a ticket to New Mexico.
He made a date with me, which I never expected to happen.
He totally shocked me when he actually showed up to my door, and, had me at hello.
His gorgeous Blue Eyes, oh my GOD MOMENT....

We sat and talked for hours before we realized we were hungry.
He asked where I wanted to go, we drove across town to get there, but, it was so crowded, we decided to go to another place, which, ended up being perfect. quiet, alone, we talked more....
stared into each others eyes....
i was so shy, i couldnt look him in the eye, but....i felt as if he was looking into my soul....
I just didnt know how to look back....
We went to the mall, walked hand in hand looking into the windows of material things...
He was excited about his new job, he was going to be able to buy things he said he had hoped to buy for years.
My thought was that no one had ever walked in a mall with me hand in hand just to look in windows....
Both ex husbands hated shoping, hated malls, and we were never shopping for the same things.
He took me to a movie, Dr Do Little....
His seduction started at the movie, as, his fingers started running along my fingers.
As his finger followed my arm up to my neck, then around my neck....
oh i wanted to melt in his arms...but...not afraid....
no fear, no emotional skill to keep from walking into the den of pain, vulnerable, i wanted that attention so badly.... I was not prepared for his seduction, his most incredible ability to make me feel so at ease, and so vulnerable....
to feel so connected to
was it a lie?
was it a deception?
what felt so real......
how could it cause so much pain?
how could he have killed me and left me on the highway to hell....?

how could something so beautiful be so ugly in the end?
I still dont understand why he came into my life, the beautiful experience the short 6 weeks of passion, desire, and being made to feel like such a queen, then, one day, he was gone, no goodbye, no notice, just gone. How could I be so stupid to believe he was into me, when he was only there for a minute then gone.
It was such a sureal experience, the pictures I took, didnt develope, the hat he left on my couch the last day he was there, the goodbye with out the normal, see ya when he left...
How did I fall so deeply for him, when, he was only there to distroy my heart...it took me so long to get over him...and, may never be able to trust again...
I always believe things happen for a reason, what was his reason for being in my life.....
so many questions....and never any answers...

Beautiful prayer.....

This prayer has been prayed as of today, August 17, 117220752680211171422 times...
it was sent as an email where you add a number to it everytime it is read, and sent on...
please join the prayer, it will change the world...

this is my prayer to you.
PRAY THIS EVEN IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE IT!!


Dear Lord, I thank You for this day. I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you. I ask now for Your forgiveness. Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You. Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over. And It's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits. I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak... Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others.

I pray for those that are lost and can't find their way.

I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately.

I pray for those that will delete this without sharing it with others. I pray for those that don't believe.

But I thank you that I believe. I believe that God changes people and God changes things.

I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For each and every family member in their households.

I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met. I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight.

I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees it.

Father God, I love you and I need you, come into my heart, please.

Know that you are blessed by the person who sent this to you

"If you want peace, work for justice." Henry Louis Mencken

We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of the bad people but for the appalling silence of the good people. Martin Luther King Jr.

Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase. ... Martin Luther King, Jr