A new year a new beginning

such plause'
It has been three years on new years that my ex moved back in, we had not really seen each other in the 10 years we had been divorced, with him being in prison, and me being in very small town usa, trying to make my millions with my little deli and bbq buisiness. Oh how I loved living there the people were such characters, and I actually found I had a sense of humor, no one had ever laughed at anything I said until I lived there. I was someone, I had followers, I had friends who thought I was "cool" I loved it there!!!! It still brings tears to my eyes that I had to move back to this town where no one, and i MEAN NO ONE has a sense of humor! Even Momma B Uglie cannot get a smile out of them, instead the look of distain and rejection.
My first Halloween back to town and Momma came out hoping to bring some smiles, but instead ended up going to the Dr for anti depressents due to the rejection she recieved on that first day out in the public in home town usa...

back to the day my ex came back, it was Thanksgiving 2005. I had lost my business, closed it down, broken hearted and lost. My business partner was drunker than ever, and not doing well at keeping a job so I could "get my life together"
I had closed the book on our marriage and he had moved on with his life, had a child with a woman he obviously thought much of, as he was not over her yet, but she was not working to keep him or the child in her life, he came home, to me for a family dinner with my kids, his step kids whom he had helped me raise from their ages of 10 and 6, and now, they were adults with their own lives, and a granddaughter, the age of his own son....He ate dinner with us, and when it was time to leave he gave me a hug which I shall never forget, and it drew me right back into the desire I had for him 16 years earlier. OMG that lust we once had was so unbelieveable, one that just never seemed to be fed completely...

April 27, 1997 the day after signing the divorce papers there was a phone call at work, asking for a ticket to Roswell New Mexico, it was going to be very expensive and so the voice at the other end of the phone asked me if I would like to go to dinner with him instead of him going back to New Mexico. Unbelieving he meant it, I said sure, and a date we made....
That date became the marker of what I wanted in life, the man who had brought me such lust, and desire, had been replaced....
I now had someone who made me happier and more fullfilled than ever in my life.
He looked into my eyes, he gave me such desire, he completed me, I was what I wanted to be for the first time in my life, he made me feel like ME, I was completed I was a person desired for me not just sex, and he talked to me, he called me, he gave me self worth....and all in one swift swoop, he took it all away, and left me with out a good bye....left me broken and bleeding as tho I was nothing more than a deer along the road as road kill.....never in my life had I been so happy, and never in my life had I been so destroyed, my heart was broken, my spirit was dead, my life was over....
I lived from July 1997 with no soul, spirit, or heart....Moving to little town usa
to make my millions had been my savior, my heart had some healing with the people there that gave me love, and healing.
10 years of Meeting men online, hoping to find one who could take away that pain of loss, bring back those feelings of self worth, hoping to find that one person who could take the place of the one I loved with all my heart, soul, and spirit...but they were all jerks...all such assholes...nnot one was even close....to my ex...or my mr perfect who was not so perfect....

Much had happened since our last meal in 1997, when I told him it was over, I was going to sign the papers to end our marrage, my lover, husband, became my ex...
and I never looked back....until that Thanksgiving day, here he was back in my home, with my kids, grandkids and we were happy... HE stopped in once in a while to say hi, and came to check on me, and ran back to his other woman off and one, and his many friends over in the next town, where he had his other women friends....
IT became obvious that his life was still out of order, and full of chaos, his son had been lost in a custody battle to foster parents when his own parents would not step up and help him with day care, and once again his life was transgressing on a down hill spiral. IT was not December, and he was needing a place to stay, he had lost his job, had no pay coming in and no place to live.
My buisness partner was on the road to being put out of my home with his drinking being out of control once again, and I had made my line and was finally able to stand on it, tellhim he had to move out....he searched the internet for housing and found a place in the state where his son lived and checked into it, yes, they would take him as a placement, and, yes, my ex could move in....

Having two men in my home, and no sexual contact with either of them, working in a church, wow, was i ever the woman at the well with many husbands as far as the church people thought....It was not a situation I would ever suggest anyone to take on. I loved both men but not sexually, we co-existed and found it rather challenging.

Finally the date came for my business partner to leave on the plane for his son, and a new life in a homeless shelter for addicts, a program to help him clean up and hopefully regain the respect of his own self and others.
I drove him to the air port and put him on the plane, thinking I was going to go join him after a year or two, but, its been three years in March, and even tho i still have the desire to move from this town, I will never rejoin him, may never see him again which does make my heart sad, we did share some very good times together but I could NEVER live with him again...

The business partner was now gone, March 21st...and the sexual tension in the house with my ex and I had become very evident....that night, a kiss turned into much much more....but, it was unfullfilled sex, which opened doors into a relationship which was painful, and full of more hurt....
his trips over to the city, not knowing when he was going to be home, the trust issues. Wanting to please him I found myself giving into his sexual needs, only to find myself desireing more than what he was willing to give me, and found myself turned off, lockig the key to my heart away and not wanting to find it again....

A year of him being in my home, many many fights over his coming and going, he finally left. He had a job, had his own apartment, and I had my home quiet, starting to date once again, and life was starting over once again.....
My job kept me very busy, my dating kept me occupied on weekends, but life sucked more than ever, no one could take the place of the man who had left me so broken and loveless, no one could ever take his place, not even my ex whom I had loved for so many years and yearned to be his one and only. His addictions took my place, he never could love me as much as his addictions and I was always going to be 2nd place.

It was New YEars 2010 once again he found himself without a home, with no job, and needing a place to live, and, once again, I let him back in...
this time there was hummility and some form of respect that he had messed up his life, and needed me once again, and, I needed him more than I had ever realized.
We....needed each other for more than just the sex we had enjoyed in our younger years....

Now it seems fitting that our first real date was on new years eve in 1981
we have made it thru many dark times, and
2011 finally joy is in our life....we do not share a sexual bond, but possibly for the first time, we are FRIENDS!!! yes, it is going to be a good year....