middle of the night intimacy was only there with one...
dream of returning to the past
fear of going back to same old behaviors
waking up facing the past
revolution of the mind.....
have to wake up, but yet this nitemare continues
cant grasp on to the merrygoround ring
keep missing it and getting thrown off....
falling out of life, every fall takes a tole on my body and soul
i keep trying to grab on and i keep falling off
The one I really wanted didnt want me, he walked outwithout saying goodbye, and I never heard from him again.....he tore my heart out, and left me along the road as road kill, to bleed todeath...
partner is gone again in treatment center, now, do i wait for him, hoping the changes will actually take place or is he hopeless, I just hate feeling hopeless for him....he is such a good person when he is sober, but.....can he change? or, am i alone the rest of my life?
My only dream was to be in love and loved....
I guess that is why I dont know what I want to be when I grow up because every time I have left a relationship, its starting over again, loosing all the dreams, and visions of my future, taking me down to the pits of hell, and not knowing how to rise up on my own instead of having another man in my life....
I hopelessly believe in soul mates
and i believe our souls travel searching for that soul
sometimes it is fluttered by a second of recognation, but, until it is truly touched by the other soul, it cant be connected
When that love fleets away our heart is broken, shattered, takes a long time putting it back together....
WHAT IS HAPPINESS ?
being here with you.....The one who is love....who can love....who does love...
memories of the fall, faces from the past
who was the love from the past...?
subconscious thing, treated women carelessly, here today gone tomorrow, never seen again....life moved on but yet my heart lingers for his touch, his look, his gentleness....
then partner came into my life, became like family to me, i dont want to give up on him, i need an answer, i need more...i am loosing hope, and dont like that feeling..
you tell me you want to have a future with me but your actions dont show it...I cant keep going like this...
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Hi Ho Hi Ho Back to the Looney Bin he goes....
He stayed away 4 days, showed up on my doorstep asking to take a shower, and sleep in his bed once last time. Of course me being the push over, I allowed it.
He slept most of the next day, Im sure being out in the elements for 4 days, with 99 degree temps, he was totally wiped out. The next day after his sleep, we enjoyed the 4th of July, knowing he had a new job waiting for him on the 5th, he seemed excited, humbled, and knowing this was his last chance at change.
At least I have good memories of our last day together, he wasnt DRUNK on his ASS!
It was the good guy I fell in love with and have not been able to let go of.
The 5th came, he got up early to get to work by 7am. At 8:45 he called saying they were sending him over to the next town to pick up some parts, he would call me at lunch. He never did. I left work at 12pm, drove by the job sight and his truck was not there, he didnt answer his phone, I went home, threw his cloths on the porch and called his cell phone leaving a message that his clothes were on the porch, he needed to pick them up before I got home at 3pm.
5pm came along, he showed up, not drunk, but, had had a beer in hand.
Saying he was going back to the looney bin, for me to sell his stuff he cant seem to get it together and knows he is leaving me in a mess financially since he has not been able to hold down a job for more than a few of months at a time for the last 4 years.
Today I went and picked up boxes to get his stuff packed and off my porch.
I have gone through so many ranges of emotions, pissed off at myself for allowing him to stay almost 6 years, wanting to believe in him so much, knowing he could change if he just allowed the holy spirit to take over his life, but, he is void, empty, and cant seem to grasp hold of the teachings, or..doesnt want to.
I dont know what the answers are but, now, once again, I find myself having to start over AGAIN!
My life has been total hell for the last 30 years with little repreive inbetween.
Divorced twice, now this relationship over, broken dreams, faded visions, nothing more than void in my life also. Trying to hold on to what Faith I have left, and the memories of what few good times I have had in my life.
Each divorce is like a death, family and friends fall by the wayside, no one invites me to dinners, I have become invisible to them, and, others. I can walk into a grocery store or department store and no one notices me, i can rarely get a smile out of others walking past me.
I just feel so empty and unfullilled.
I know there are millions of others out there less fortunate than me, and right now I am feeling very self centered, but, cant seem to get past the pain of loss, over and over and over...I keep a smile on my face at work, few people know my problems, but.....I am dying on the inside, and, no one can help me....
I read articles about "I am in control of my future" THAT IS BULLSHIT!
Every step I have taken to secure my future has sent me deeper in to hell....
I just dont know how to pull my bootstraps up and get going again.
My body is so out of shape, my self confidence is wiped out, and, Iam totally alone.
Son lives in Colorado, daughter lives 40 minutes away both have their own lives.
Son didnt even call me for my birthday yesterday.
Daughter and family took me out for dinner last night which was very much appreciated. Several people from my job acknowledged it, which made me feel appreciated but.....where are tehy today when Im really needing someone?
Life sux then you die.....
He slept most of the next day, Im sure being out in the elements for 4 days, with 99 degree temps, he was totally wiped out. The next day after his sleep, we enjoyed the 4th of July, knowing he had a new job waiting for him on the 5th, he seemed excited, humbled, and knowing this was his last chance at change.
At least I have good memories of our last day together, he wasnt DRUNK on his ASS!
It was the good guy I fell in love with and have not been able to let go of.
The 5th came, he got up early to get to work by 7am. At 8:45 he called saying they were sending him over to the next town to pick up some parts, he would call me at lunch. He never did. I left work at 12pm, drove by the job sight and his truck was not there, he didnt answer his phone, I went home, threw his cloths on the porch and called his cell phone leaving a message that his clothes were on the porch, he needed to pick them up before I got home at 3pm.
5pm came along, he showed up, not drunk, but, had had a beer in hand.
Saying he was going back to the looney bin, for me to sell his stuff he cant seem to get it together and knows he is leaving me in a mess financially since he has not been able to hold down a job for more than a few of months at a time for the last 4 years.
Today I went and picked up boxes to get his stuff packed and off my porch.
I have gone through so many ranges of emotions, pissed off at myself for allowing him to stay almost 6 years, wanting to believe in him so much, knowing he could change if he just allowed the holy spirit to take over his life, but, he is void, empty, and cant seem to grasp hold of the teachings, or..doesnt want to.
I dont know what the answers are but, now, once again, I find myself having to start over AGAIN!
My life has been total hell for the last 30 years with little repreive inbetween.
Divorced twice, now this relationship over, broken dreams, faded visions, nothing more than void in my life also. Trying to hold on to what Faith I have left, and the memories of what few good times I have had in my life.
Each divorce is like a death, family and friends fall by the wayside, no one invites me to dinners, I have become invisible to them, and, others. I can walk into a grocery store or department store and no one notices me, i can rarely get a smile out of others walking past me.
I just feel so empty and unfullilled.
I know there are millions of others out there less fortunate than me, and right now I am feeling very self centered, but, cant seem to get past the pain of loss, over and over and over...I keep a smile on my face at work, few people know my problems, but.....I am dying on the inside, and, no one can help me....
I read articles about "I am in control of my future" THAT IS BULLSHIT!
Every step I have taken to secure my future has sent me deeper in to hell....
I just dont know how to pull my bootstraps up and get going again.
My body is so out of shape, my self confidence is wiped out, and, Iam totally alone.
Son lives in Colorado, daughter lives 40 minutes away both have their own lives.
Son didnt even call me for my birthday yesterday.
Daughter and family took me out for dinner last night which was very much appreciated. Several people from my job acknowledged it, which made me feel appreciated but.....where are tehy today when Im really needing someone?
Life sux then you die.....
Friday, June 30, 2006
shit hit the fan
he is finally gone, it took less than 6 years for him to go nuts and get kicked out
once again a woman gave up on him....
i loved him so much, not physically but emotionally, he was so kind, and gentle when sober, but....such an asshole when drunk...and, got more stupid everday after 5 years NOTHING MAKES anysense anymore...
now that he is out of the house maybe my life will start making sense?
but...I miss the phone calls in the middle of the day, asking "hey woman what you doing?"
there was a time we talked but, it got to the point, if he was drunk, he talked a short time then he was out of control, and nothing but fighting...he drinks less but out of control faster, it was escalating
he felt so hopeless, put himself into the state mental hosptial, but didnt like being there asked to be let out. He lasted less than two weeks at living up to the rules of no drinking, go to work, and, going to meetings
he couldnt do it....he left for 36 hours with out letting me know where he was..i was calling and begging him to come home, which was the LAST THING i should have been doing but, I wanted him to know how much he was loved and needed...
I felt sorry for him and didnt want him to feel so hopeless, but, obviously he doesnt want me or be with me, just another rejection....in life....altho he says I should not be so egotistical, its not rejection of me its just his inability to not drink....
his sanity times were shorter and shorter....
he used to make it 6 weeks sober...
Was I that hard to live with?
I just want to understand the mind of an alcoholic
the treatment centers arent helping them, but sure cost plenty of dough!
Is there an answer?
Scientology claims to have the answer, but, it is brainwashing, however, church does the same thing, why is is so difficult to hang on to the message from the church?
each church teaches basically the same thing but, each one has its own flavor, and, most of what i have found most dont really want to deal with hurting people...
Just like the lady I met recently...she is one of the CRAZIEST people I have EVER KNOWN....all types of diagnosis, but...no one wants to be around her, I dont even want to but....She is hurting so badly, her tears just ran down her face, poor child, she just wants a "normal" life....instead of being on disability....
but she lives in a tiny room, having to keep her important things in a travel bag and carry them downstairs with her because she says people get into her things.
If it is true or not she is phycho, but at the same time hurting so badly.
I just hope and Pray God will show me how to help her, I couldnt help Him, he wanted his life, not what I had to offer....
he said he did, but obviously he didnt....
I know its in Gods hands now, nothing can be done for him, no one can do anythig for him he has to pull himself up....
and he doesnt think he can....
i just hope he doesnt end it all as he has said many times, and, never been able to do...
not being able to hear from him is difficult but, at least i cant call him, i kept his phone!
He is out there with out money, wiht out phone, and will most probably find another sugar momma to keep him in booze and a place to live....I guess I was pretty stupid for putting up with him for so long, I just wanted him to know I believed in him, and our dream of the best bbq!!! but dreams are gone, spirit is almost gone...
with out spirit, no dream, no vision...no life....
where will it go from here?
either up or down
if I live with Faith, it HAS TO GET BETTER because that is what they keep telling me, but, for over 30 years it hasnt gotten better it keeps getting WORSE!
all perspective...all the way you look at it, so far i have not been able to see the blessings in any of the life changes i have had in the last 30 years
just al ot of heart ache and pain...
please help me see the blessings....
any one out there?
they say blogs draw over 8 million people a day....DOES ANYONE READ ME?
anyone out there?
once again a woman gave up on him....
i loved him so much, not physically but emotionally, he was so kind, and gentle when sober, but....such an asshole when drunk...and, got more stupid everday after 5 years NOTHING MAKES anysense anymore...
now that he is out of the house maybe my life will start making sense?
but...I miss the phone calls in the middle of the day, asking "hey woman what you doing?"
there was a time we talked but, it got to the point, if he was drunk, he talked a short time then he was out of control, and nothing but fighting...he drinks less but out of control faster, it was escalating
he felt so hopeless, put himself into the state mental hosptial, but didnt like being there asked to be let out. He lasted less than two weeks at living up to the rules of no drinking, go to work, and, going to meetings
he couldnt do it....he left for 36 hours with out letting me know where he was..i was calling and begging him to come home, which was the LAST THING i should have been doing but, I wanted him to know how much he was loved and needed...
I felt sorry for him and didnt want him to feel so hopeless, but, obviously he doesnt want me or be with me, just another rejection....in life....altho he says I should not be so egotistical, its not rejection of me its just his inability to not drink....
his sanity times were shorter and shorter....
he used to make it 6 weeks sober...
Was I that hard to live with?
I just want to understand the mind of an alcoholic
the treatment centers arent helping them, but sure cost plenty of dough!
Is there an answer?
Scientology claims to have the answer, but, it is brainwashing, however, church does the same thing, why is is so difficult to hang on to the message from the church?
each church teaches basically the same thing but, each one has its own flavor, and, most of what i have found most dont really want to deal with hurting people...
Just like the lady I met recently...she is one of the CRAZIEST people I have EVER KNOWN....all types of diagnosis, but...no one wants to be around her, I dont even want to but....She is hurting so badly, her tears just ran down her face, poor child, she just wants a "normal" life....instead of being on disability....
but she lives in a tiny room, having to keep her important things in a travel bag and carry them downstairs with her because she says people get into her things.
If it is true or not she is phycho, but at the same time hurting so badly.
I just hope and Pray God will show me how to help her, I couldnt help Him, he wanted his life, not what I had to offer....
he said he did, but obviously he didnt....
I know its in Gods hands now, nothing can be done for him, no one can do anythig for him he has to pull himself up....
and he doesnt think he can....
i just hope he doesnt end it all as he has said many times, and, never been able to do...
not being able to hear from him is difficult but, at least i cant call him, i kept his phone!
He is out there with out money, wiht out phone, and will most probably find another sugar momma to keep him in booze and a place to live....I guess I was pretty stupid for putting up with him for so long, I just wanted him to know I believed in him, and our dream of the best bbq!!! but dreams are gone, spirit is almost gone...
with out spirit, no dream, no vision...no life....
where will it go from here?
either up or down
if I live with Faith, it HAS TO GET BETTER because that is what they keep telling me, but, for over 30 years it hasnt gotten better it keeps getting WORSE!
all perspective...all the way you look at it, so far i have not been able to see the blessings in any of the life changes i have had in the last 30 years
just al ot of heart ache and pain...
please help me see the blessings....
any one out there?
they say blogs draw over 8 million people a day....DOES ANYONE READ ME?
anyone out there?
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
What a 36 hour day its been!
After going to the nuthouse to get my nut out, we had a wonderful weekend, talked about a future, talked about our plans, and enjoyed the time of being back together..,....or, so I thought....
at 10:30 on Monday morning, he came into my office and told me he was going to the next town for a job interview, saying it sounded pretty promisiing for a job starting in two weeks. Overjoyed I praised God and we prayed together asking for the blessing of employment and getting back on our feet.
That was over 36 hours ago, he has not been home since. I made a missing persons report yesterday after him being gone 24 hours. Finally last night at 9 he called to let me know he was ok, he would be home in 5 hours. He had gone to his "hometown" to face his demons.....ok....so....once again, forgiveness, I felt he was showing a sign of really trying to make life right.
NOW....12:30 he is still not home!
I must be the stupidist person on earth to keep believing this guy!
at 10:30 on Monday morning, he came into my office and told me he was going to the next town for a job interview, saying it sounded pretty promisiing for a job starting in two weeks. Overjoyed I praised God and we prayed together asking for the blessing of employment and getting back on our feet.
That was over 36 hours ago, he has not been home since. I made a missing persons report yesterday after him being gone 24 hours. Finally last night at 9 he called to let me know he was ok, he would be home in 5 hours. He had gone to his "hometown" to face his demons.....ok....so....once again, forgiveness, I felt he was showing a sign of really trying to make life right.
NOW....12:30 he is still not home!
I must be the stupidist person on earth to keep believing this guy!
Friday, June 09, 2006
long time
Its been a long while since I had time to just sit and write.
It seems life keeps me busy, but, im not accomplishing anything!
I went to a program the other day given by a fellow highschool student. She was always the brains in the class, way above all of us other students. She is a Dr. of Divinity, music major, has written several books, travels to the Holy Lands, has worked on archilogical digs, song writer, and Professor at the local Bible College here in town. So much in her 53 years, and I have NOTHING TO SHOW for my labors.
That is enough to depress me big time!
All in the name of love have I stood by my men, until I couldnt stand anylonger, each time, giving up everything for my freedoms.
Now, here I sit once again, wating for my man to get grow his balls and GROW UP!
THEY DONT GROW UP, just grow OLD!
While he is in the state hospital trying to figure out what is wrong with him, I struggle to pay bills, and keep things afloat, I wish I had the chance to go to the hospital and find ME! But, floating thru life with no direction seems to be my way of life.
While he is gone, I should be able to have time for me, but, with trying to keep bills paid, I find myself busier than normal at work, and, had 17 hours over time, but, the church doesnt want to pay me over time, so, told me to take the days off!
WHAT A BUNCH OF BULL! I NEED THE DOLLARS! NOT THE TIME OFF, but, am trying to find the blessing in having the time off instead of the extra money!
One good thing came about, partner had taken on painting a house for a guy at the church, and, with his "dissapearing" to the hospital, his brother took over painting, but was doing a crappy job, so the guy didnt want to pay for the job, Partner told the guy he would make it right when he gets out, but that I needed the money to stay afloat. He evaded me daily, walked around the church as to not have to talk to me in the office, and I finally confronted him on his ignoring me and trying to not have to pay me, knowing I was depending on the money to come in. He stumbled a bit knowing he has been caught. We talked about the situation, and, I left it up to the Lord last night. This morning he showed up with the promised amount of $$, and told me he knew we would do the job when partner gets out of the hospital! I cried, feeling rather badly knowing he was paying for a job not well done! BUT we will make it right!
I will make it thru this, I just hope partner is capable of holding on to some of the gentleness and goodness God is showing him, and me!
I am going to the hospital tomorrow to see partner, I sure hope he has a spark of life in him, the last time I saw him he looked so hopeless.
He hasnt sounded too much better on the phone, but I do know they have been sending him to a lot of classes, such as anger management etc
He needs group support in child abuse issues, and, hopefully, he can learn to let it go, and move on...
It is easier to build a child, than to fix an adult....which is the scarey part, but, I am believing GOD CAN HEAL HIM!
It seems life keeps me busy, but, im not accomplishing anything!
I went to a program the other day given by a fellow highschool student. She was always the brains in the class, way above all of us other students. She is a Dr. of Divinity, music major, has written several books, travels to the Holy Lands, has worked on archilogical digs, song writer, and Professor at the local Bible College here in town. So much in her 53 years, and I have NOTHING TO SHOW for my labors.
That is enough to depress me big time!
All in the name of love have I stood by my men, until I couldnt stand anylonger, each time, giving up everything for my freedoms.
Now, here I sit once again, wating for my man to get grow his balls and GROW UP!
THEY DONT GROW UP, just grow OLD!
While he is in the state hospital trying to figure out what is wrong with him, I struggle to pay bills, and keep things afloat, I wish I had the chance to go to the hospital and find ME! But, floating thru life with no direction seems to be my way of life.
While he is gone, I should be able to have time for me, but, with trying to keep bills paid, I find myself busier than normal at work, and, had 17 hours over time, but, the church doesnt want to pay me over time, so, told me to take the days off!
WHAT A BUNCH OF BULL! I NEED THE DOLLARS! NOT THE TIME OFF, but, am trying to find the blessing in having the time off instead of the extra money!
One good thing came about, partner had taken on painting a house for a guy at the church, and, with his "dissapearing" to the hospital, his brother took over painting, but was doing a crappy job, so the guy didnt want to pay for the job, Partner told the guy he would make it right when he gets out, but that I needed the money to stay afloat. He evaded me daily, walked around the church as to not have to talk to me in the office, and I finally confronted him on his ignoring me and trying to not have to pay me, knowing I was depending on the money to come in. He stumbled a bit knowing he has been caught. We talked about the situation, and, I left it up to the Lord last night. This morning he showed up with the promised amount of $$, and told me he knew we would do the job when partner gets out of the hospital! I cried, feeling rather badly knowing he was paying for a job not well done! BUT we will make it right!
I will make it thru this, I just hope partner is capable of holding on to some of the gentleness and goodness God is showing him, and me!
I am going to the hospital tomorrow to see partner, I sure hope he has a spark of life in him, the last time I saw him he looked so hopeless.
He hasnt sounded too much better on the phone, but I do know they have been sending him to a lot of classes, such as anger management etc
He needs group support in child abuse issues, and, hopefully, he can learn to let it go, and move on...
It is easier to build a child, than to fix an adult....which is the scarey part, but, I am believing GOD CAN HEAL HIM!
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
strange road ahead
Partner left in a state car, going to the state looney bin, and, this is the most distanced we have been in 6 years. It is scarey, not knowing what they will do to him, and not knowing how they are going to treat him.
He cant bullshit his way thru this time, hopefully....
Did he go because he didnt want to leave me? Or, just too chicken scared of living out on the streets alone?
The last time he went into street l iving, he was in california, and had a woman pulling him thru with her.
He has never stood on his own two feet.
He is afraid, and, what else?
What else has kept him from being the man he is supposed to be?
How can the men in the church help him?
I wish they would have stopped at PV to pray with him, but not one guy has offered to go see him or help him while he is there. As long as he came to them, they talked to him for a short while, but, have you noticed, no one has more than a few minutes for each other anymore?
WHAT IS IT THEY ARE ALL SO BUSY DOING
THEY ARE FUCKING RETIRED!!!!
Im so tired of being brushed off, and, when I finally open up...become vulnerable, they all turn and run....
How in the hell is a person supposed to get their shit together when everyone runs away?
no one wants to get involved anymore! AND IT SUCKS!
I cant even go into the ministers office and feel "free" to express myself with out feeling as tho I am taking up too much of his time...
He has a lot of time on his hands, but, seems to keep quite a few people in his office too, but...i think they are more the bullshitters than people in need.
Working in a church once again, and the one I grew up in...brings me full circle
but, hopefully I have grown alot, spiritually since then!
I stsill get so frustrated at the lack of "spirituality" in the church, seeing the religious stiff neckedness just makes me sick! but....
I try to not make waves, just pray for the people....
He cant bullshit his way thru this time, hopefully....
Did he go because he didnt want to leave me? Or, just too chicken scared of living out on the streets alone?
The last time he went into street l iving, he was in california, and had a woman pulling him thru with her.
He has never stood on his own two feet.
He is afraid, and, what else?
What else has kept him from being the man he is supposed to be?
How can the men in the church help him?
I wish they would have stopped at PV to pray with him, but not one guy has offered to go see him or help him while he is there. As long as he came to them, they talked to him for a short while, but, have you noticed, no one has more than a few minutes for each other anymore?
WHAT IS IT THEY ARE ALL SO BUSY DOING
THEY ARE FUCKING RETIRED!!!!
Im so tired of being brushed off, and, when I finally open up...become vulnerable, they all turn and run....
How in the hell is a person supposed to get their shit together when everyone runs away?
no one wants to get involved anymore! AND IT SUCKS!
I cant even go into the ministers office and feel "free" to express myself with out feeling as tho I am taking up too much of his time...
He has a lot of time on his hands, but, seems to keep quite a few people in his office too, but...i think they are more the bullshitters than people in need.
Working in a church once again, and the one I grew up in...brings me full circle
but, hopefully I have grown alot, spiritually since then!
I stsill get so frustrated at the lack of "spirituality" in the church, seeing the religious stiff neckedness just makes me sick! but....
I try to not make waves, just pray for the people....
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