The church I work for hired us to cater the Valentine banquet, which, I am really thankful for their vote of confidence. Since our bbq closed, my confidence has fallen to an all time low. It helped that the minister there was one of our really loyal customers helps, he hired me because he knew me from there. We will have that extra money for this months income, which is always great. Im trying to not freak out, with knowing the court date is coming up next week, and my lawyer has treated me like he could care less. He has not given me good advice, and me being the stupid one, should have fired his ass along time ago and went to someone else. BUT, I paid him the money I had left, for retainer fees, and, now, have nothing more to pay him. He wont even answer phone calls, and, I dont even know what im really supposed to expect next week, or what to take, they demand 2 years of income tax reports, bank statements, etc etc, that is ahell of a lot of copying, and first he said they couldn't ask for that, then he said, they could, i don't know if he knows what he is doing, altho, he claims he has been a lawyer for over 25 years! will they throw my ass in jail, take my house away, what is going to happen?
It has been working on him all month since his former boss asked him to come back to California to help build a ski lodge cabin. HE finally made the decision to go back there, leaving the 19th, then, he will drive out there and work, supposedly sending me money to help keep me afloat, but, knowing his behaviors here at home, when Im gone, he cant control his drinking. IT worries me having him going that far, alone.
He really is so fragile emotionally, but, wont admit his emotional deficiencies.
I dont want to admit being scared being here in hometown alone, but, its fricking blowing my mind. Here Im the one who didnt want to come back here, and got stuck here. He is going to the mountains where I WANT TO BE! HE will be going back to his old lover, but, this time she is married to his boss, and, he is going back to the state where he lost his mentality, and his capability to cope with out drugs and alcohol, and ended up in prison for to many dui's. I just hope he has learned enough skills to not go back to his old way of life....
I wish I could just sell everything and walk away and go along, altho, I am tired of taking care of him, Im still worried about his well being.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Friday, February 03, 2006
Finally have time
When partner is out of town, and I dont have to "babysit" him I finally have time to do some reflection on my own life, what is going on in my head, and how it effects my world. When he is here, I have fragmented time to sit and listen, other wise, Im trying to "hide" from him, mainly when he is drinking. I dont mind his drinking to a point, but, once he hits that point, he demands attention, and, then his ego takes over and he becomes impossible to talk to...that is the point I HATE!
I have been trying to figure out what void he fills in my life, he has been with me for 5 years now, it was to only be 2 weeks!!! BUT....I am forever thankful he has been here, the road I have had to take this past 5 years would have been unbearable without him, or at least without SOMEONE to go down that road alone would have driven me over the edge forsure! On the most part it has been alone, for he can never give me any real advice to go on, but, he is there to vent with, for the most part unless he is too drunk, then it becomes all about him. Our relationship is a strange one at the most! We dont have sex WA WA WA, now actually that is no big deal, he cant get it up, and im too fat to enjoy it! BUT...now that im post menopausal, I should be enjoying a sex life like never before!!!
I miss the cuddling at night, we sleep in seperate rooms, my knees are bad, i have to have pillows between the legs, (sounds sexy huh?) and it is just too much trouble trying to sleep in one bed. Even if I try to sleep in same bed, he has no clue how to cuddle and enjoy laying together....so, i long quit trying.
I miss that with my ex, our sex life was GREAT and I loved waking up with him in the mornings. I miss him so much, but has made it clear by his lack of action since being back in town, he isnt interested in even having a friendship with me. I let him know partner was going to be gone this week and there was dead silence on the phone, then i made a joke about it and he said "i have to go now ok?" what if i would have said, NO its NOT ok....I want you to come over.....I wanted to so badly but didnt....i just said, ok, call me sometime, click, h e was gone....
I cant take that rejection, i lived with his rejection for so many years....
even tho our sex life was great in bed, our life on the out side was so empty.
He had his own friends, and, unknown to me his drug life I didnt recognize, as I have written about in earlier posts. He was always too drunk to go to family reunions etc, so I quit trying to get him to take that part of my life with me.
Partner now, loves going to family things, he supports me fully in all I want to do and where I want to go, but...now, I have no family reunions because I have no family left! My cousins get together but dont invite me, and Im not going to invite myself, so, I just dont go. since daddy died not one cousin has called and said, hey how you doing? They were all there during the time of the auction, but, that was to get what they wanted, then they were gone.
I taped a history channel show about Lynn Swan, it was GREAT, and, the host was Howie, OH MY GAWD looks like "JD"....the one who broke my heart.....I was in lust all over again thinking about "JD" I watched it two times just to see Howie and relive the fantastic moment in my life when JD was there.....then....
i taped another show, and, went back to rewind it and the fucking VCR ate the tape!!!
I am just not supposed to have reminders of JD in my life! Even when he was in my life, our last day together , unknown to me that I would NEVER see him again. I took pictures of him, and the camera didnt flash, and, no pictures came out! HE is basically just a figment of my imagination...no proof he was ever there....
just a fading reflection of what never was to be...to be really happy, to be with someone I love, and want someone to love me as much as I love him....false expectations, false emotional forbearence, unknown mental abilities to cope with life as it has been, as it never changes.
The one of a few times in my life I was so happy, and it was stripped away, zap, gone....and the only way to deal with it is just not think about it, put it in the crevouses of my mind that dont get opened very often, to hide it away from my inner most feelings, and bury it deep where no one will ever know the pain, again....those, are the things my life have been built on....they say it makes a person strong to go thru painfull experiences, but, im tired of being the "strong one" It builds character, I dont have a way for all of my "character" to come out so what difference does it make?
I have been trying to figure out what void he fills in my life, he has been with me for 5 years now, it was to only be 2 weeks!!! BUT....I am forever thankful he has been here, the road I have had to take this past 5 years would have been unbearable without him, or at least without SOMEONE to go down that road alone would have driven me over the edge forsure! On the most part it has been alone, for he can never give me any real advice to go on, but, he is there to vent with, for the most part unless he is too drunk, then it becomes all about him. Our relationship is a strange one at the most! We dont have sex WA WA WA, now actually that is no big deal, he cant get it up, and im too fat to enjoy it! BUT...now that im post menopausal, I should be enjoying a sex life like never before!!!
I miss the cuddling at night, we sleep in seperate rooms, my knees are bad, i have to have pillows between the legs, (sounds sexy huh?) and it is just too much trouble trying to sleep in one bed. Even if I try to sleep in same bed, he has no clue how to cuddle and enjoy laying together....so, i long quit trying.
I miss that with my ex, our sex life was GREAT and I loved waking up with him in the mornings. I miss him so much, but has made it clear by his lack of action since being back in town, he isnt interested in even having a friendship with me. I let him know partner was going to be gone this week and there was dead silence on the phone, then i made a joke about it and he said "i have to go now ok?" what if i would have said, NO its NOT ok....I want you to come over.....I wanted to so badly but didnt....i just said, ok, call me sometime, click, h e was gone....
I cant take that rejection, i lived with his rejection for so many years....
even tho our sex life was great in bed, our life on the out side was so empty.
He had his own friends, and, unknown to me his drug life I didnt recognize, as I have written about in earlier posts. He was always too drunk to go to family reunions etc, so I quit trying to get him to take that part of my life with me.
Partner now, loves going to family things, he supports me fully in all I want to do and where I want to go, but...now, I have no family reunions because I have no family left! My cousins get together but dont invite me, and Im not going to invite myself, so, I just dont go. since daddy died not one cousin has called and said, hey how you doing? They were all there during the time of the auction, but, that was to get what they wanted, then they were gone.
I taped a history channel show about Lynn Swan, it was GREAT, and, the host was Howie, OH MY GAWD looks like "JD"....the one who broke my heart.....I was in lust all over again thinking about "JD" I watched it two times just to see Howie and relive the fantastic moment in my life when JD was there.....then....
i taped another show, and, went back to rewind it and the fucking VCR ate the tape!!!
I am just not supposed to have reminders of JD in my life! Even when he was in my life, our last day together , unknown to me that I would NEVER see him again. I took pictures of him, and the camera didnt flash, and, no pictures came out! HE is basically just a figment of my imagination...no proof he was ever there....
just a fading reflection of what never was to be...to be really happy, to be with someone I love, and want someone to love me as much as I love him....false expectations, false emotional forbearence, unknown mental abilities to cope with life as it has been, as it never changes.
The one of a few times in my life I was so happy, and it was stripped away, zap, gone....and the only way to deal with it is just not think about it, put it in the crevouses of my mind that dont get opened very often, to hide it away from my inner most feelings, and bury it deep where no one will ever know the pain, again....those, are the things my life have been built on....they say it makes a person strong to go thru painfull experiences, but, im tired of being the "strong one" It builds character, I dont have a way for all of my "character" to come out so what difference does it make?
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Finally gave in and went
My moms favorite cousin, had some heart surgery I had to take the time to go visit her, and finally forgive her in my own heart because she has never asked for forgiveness. FORGIVENESS< ITS SO IMPORTANT > Im hoping I have totally forgiven her, but, Im finding myself not wanting to go over there again, now, because she said a few things about me in a way of her voice that made me feel insecure in how she feels about me. Its like a squeeky wheel that goes off in my head when I hear that tone of voice, it makes me pull away....
I have one close friend here in town, and, I have known her longer than anyone alive other than relatives. She and I are best of friends, but, we dont talk....I have opened up to her, given her my total truthfullness, but, yet I cant get her to really talk to me. She finally shared about her uncle dying today, now, she is one of the elder ones of the family. Her kids dont realy accept her into their family anylonger so, now she is alone, and the relatives are mostly gone too except cousins who dont know each other, sounds like my family!!!
Mike is the historian in the family
we need a writer of history (*Rosalea*
Every family needs a story to keep it alive, vibrant,
the bible told us how people LIVED!
They did something bizzare or fantastic, an
I have one close friend here in town, and, I have known her longer than anyone alive other than relatives. She and I are best of friends, but, we dont talk....I have opened up to her, given her my total truthfullness, but, yet I cant get her to really talk to me. She finally shared about her uncle dying today, now, she is one of the elder ones of the family. Her kids dont realy accept her into their family anylonger so, now she is alone, and the relatives are mostly gone too except cousins who dont know each other, sounds like my family!!!
Mike is the historian in the family
we need a writer of history (*Rosalea*
Every family needs a story to keep it alive, vibrant,
the bible told us how people LIVED!
They did something bizzare or fantastic, an
New plan?
WE ARE ADDICTED TO OIL? when it has been the government who refused to give us alternatives to using oil?
Where are all the tax breaks for those of us who tried to live that alternative life style, and tried to accept the low level of life, giving our all to the public, nothing but bills, and debts.....and now, WE ARE ADDICTED TO OIL?
WHAT A BUNCH OF BOLOGNA!!!!!!
When our country comes up with a new fuel alternative, we will no longer be dependent on the old world, and able to take off into the new world of technology.
We have lost so much of the link into the future because we have been taken down a road of bullshit!!!!
Are we not to look for truth?
Are we not to demand honesty?
Are we not to make our own destiny?
Did God give us that permision?
the warmest January in record!!!! Two channels both have different averages, one channel says, 43 average temp for January, but other channel says, 56 average temp,
so which channel do we believe?
Who are we listening too?
Has anyone else heard the call from Willie Nelson?
he has it goin on and do we hear him?
Willie for Pres in 2008!
He has paid the price, and he knows how to go it on!
anyone else out there???????
please answer.....
Where are all the tax breaks for those of us who tried to live that alternative life style, and tried to accept the low level of life, giving our all to the public, nothing but bills, and debts.....and now, WE ARE ADDICTED TO OIL?
WHAT A BUNCH OF BOLOGNA!!!!!!
When our country comes up with a new fuel alternative, we will no longer be dependent on the old world, and able to take off into the new world of technology.
We have lost so much of the link into the future because we have been taken down a road of bullshit!!!!
Are we not to look for truth?
Are we not to demand honesty?
Are we not to make our own destiny?
Did God give us that permision?
the warmest January in record!!!! Two channels both have different averages, one channel says, 43 average temp for January, but other channel says, 56 average temp,
so which channel do we believe?
Who are we listening too?
Has anyone else heard the call from Willie Nelson?
he has it goin on and do we hear him?
Willie for Pres in 2008!
He has paid the price, and he knows how to go it on!
anyone else out there???????
please answer.....
Something has happened/addicted to OIL? how about drugs? how about alcohol? addicted on OIL??????????????
Grains grown in America, Winnebego life, bio fuel, wouldnt you rather smell cooking oil, than desil fuel?
cut the need for foreign oil, Willie, on the Road Again! YOU GO WILLIE<<< PRES IN 2008??>>>>>
what a song, it took me over thousands of miles, traveled with the mini rod tractor pulling circut back in the late 70's & early 80's, which i HATED....now...I look back it gave me travel, and, party times. Only thing is, the only one who noticed me was the other guy......
With the lure of temptations, looks coming from them teasing me to come to them,
Finally, the temptation got too big for me, and I gave in, I ran to the first one who would have me, and settled for that, until, each time, now wondering if I lured them, or they lured me?
When we see the past, does it help us understand the future, with any understanding of the NOW?
My life has just been so screwed up for so long, and Im so FUCKING TIRED OF IT!
I cant even go out to lunch with someone, and have a decent conversation with out, interuption, or, the inability of being able to really get intimate with someone.
People are so scared of being vulnerable, I have cried infront of everyone of my friends, with the pain I have lived, but NOT one person has taken me and held me, or just said, Ill pray for you.....
I have had to ask for prayer everytime I have gone to church, Even tho I dont go to church, I keep in touch with my church sisters, at least I see them as sisters, but, Im just that woman who has so many problems.
If she would live a nice married woman life, she wouldnt have so many problems.
YEAH OK>>>>> EASY FOR YOU TO SAY<<<<<<
My mother tried to give me a "forced" happy home life, and never gave me a clue on how to live that life! How to live an unfullfilled life and be satisfied!!?????
cut the need for foreign oil, Willie, on the Road Again! YOU GO WILLIE<<< PRES IN 2008??>>>>>
what a song, it took me over thousands of miles, traveled with the mini rod tractor pulling circut back in the late 70's & early 80's, which i HATED....now...I look back it gave me travel, and, party times. Only thing is, the only one who noticed me was the other guy......
With the lure of temptations, looks coming from them teasing me to come to them,
Finally, the temptation got too big for me, and I gave in, I ran to the first one who would have me, and settled for that, until, each time, now wondering if I lured them, or they lured me?
When we see the past, does it help us understand the future, with any understanding of the NOW?
My life has just been so screwed up for so long, and Im so FUCKING TIRED OF IT!
I cant even go out to lunch with someone, and have a decent conversation with out, interuption, or, the inability of being able to really get intimate with someone.
People are so scared of being vulnerable, I have cried infront of everyone of my friends, with the pain I have lived, but NOT one person has taken me and held me, or just said, Ill pray for you.....
I have had to ask for prayer everytime I have gone to church, Even tho I dont go to church, I keep in touch with my church sisters, at least I see them as sisters, but, Im just that woman who has so many problems.
If she would live a nice married woman life, she wouldnt have so many problems.
YEAH OK>>>>> EASY FOR YOU TO SAY<<<<<<
My mother tried to give me a "forced" happy home life, and never gave me a clue on how to live that life! How to live an unfullfilled life and be satisfied!!?????
Sunday, January 29, 2006
which character are you?
click under her picture to view the survey
blog surfing is my Sunday afternoon voyage.
My folks used to go for an afternoon drive, we would stop and visit people, sometimes sick people, sometimes just old people, sometimes people who had kids I could play with, but seldomly kids since most of their friends had grown kids I was the little one of the bunch. I always felt like I was being "taken care of" not sure if the older kids liked having me around but I dont think I ever heard them complaining i was there....at least I hope I wasnt a burden to them!
Voyaging....but, now...gas is so high, cant go driving around, have to stay home....so, I voyage online, but, no one talks back....sigh......
ALUNA
awesome moon tidal time piece
http://www.alunatime.org/html/time.htm
Did Jesus come at the right time in history?
Was he before his time?
I have always been before my time in things I have done, always too soon, and not noticed,
life has been hard, difficult, sometimes meaningless, but i have always had hope things would be better. I always felt special, and felt as tho God knew who I was but, that I didint know him, or, recognize him, or know what it was I was called to do.
Reading the Bible always gave me challenge to understand it, and when i read the scripture that they would only be given to those who truly believe, I guess I gave up reading because I felt as if I couldnt believe in something I dont understand, or see or feel.....but yet I know i believe!
Does that make sense?
I cant find anyone who really understands me, when I try to talk to people its like they hear the words im saying but not the meaning of them.....
I can see the hurt in peoples faces, the pain of their hearts when they speak, but, they run from me....why?
DAddy was super sensitive, and he didnt know how to handle it, he came from a family of hard hearts, and he just wanted to be loved.....I loved him dearly but we couldnt talk, we couldnt communicate, and even on his last sentence to me, "Im ready to go home," I thought he meant ready to go to his house, on Broadway. I wanted to take him to his house to live his last few days, to care for him, but, yet, so fearful, I wouldnt be able to do it.
He was ready to go HOME...he had made his peace with his Lord, and was ready to go home....and I didnt understand him....
It took me months to realize what he was saying, even tho he died two days later....
I did get to tell him good bye, and release him, and tell him I loved him, and mommy....My children were sitting around his bed, granddaughter was there, but we dont have memories of it, no one talks about it.....No one cares to talk about it....
Granddaughter doesnt remember her great grandpa, I have tried to talk to her about him but she just says, I dont remember him....
That hurts...that is the only way we can keep aperson alive in our spirit is if we talk about them, remember them, rejoice in their life....but, no one ever rejoices those lives.
WHY NOT?
The last time our family got together (daughter, son-in-law- grandaughter) we watched tv....a movie, it was good, but, there was NO relating with each other.
Christmas was good, my son and his g/f was here, we drank some wine, let our minds relax, and we COMMUNICATED ALL DAY! it was awesome!!!!!
but yet my daughter is so against drinking we cant have a bit of wine or anything when she is here.......
I just want to be loved, but it isnt there, I dont feel it from anyone....
I feel liked, but, no one would miss me if I leave tomorrow....
oh, maybe daughter would, for a day or two but she would get along with out me...
I always thought I could get along with out my parents, because I never seemed to be able to relate with them....but, I do miss them terribly....I spent many a day on their couch, just sitting with them, not talking much, nothing deep, nothing emotional. I never let them see me hurt. They would always try to fix it if I did, and, I couldnt accept their help....why?
I allowed them to see me cry once because ex had wrecked my car, and they right away went out and bought me a used car. One that had lots of problems and ended up costing us alot of money in repairs...
there is just so much inside, unsaid, missunderstood, and wanting to be released, feeling as tho im going to explode!!!
feels like the world feels, ready to explode
Was Jesus before his time?
http://www.alunatime.org/html/time.htm
Did Jesus come at the right time in history?
Was he before his time?
I have always been before my time in things I have done, always too soon, and not noticed,
life has been hard, difficult, sometimes meaningless, but i have always had hope things would be better. I always felt special, and felt as tho God knew who I was but, that I didint know him, or, recognize him, or know what it was I was called to do.
Reading the Bible always gave me challenge to understand it, and when i read the scripture that they would only be given to those who truly believe, I guess I gave up reading because I felt as if I couldnt believe in something I dont understand, or see or feel.....but yet I know i believe!
Does that make sense?
I cant find anyone who really understands me, when I try to talk to people its like they hear the words im saying but not the meaning of them.....
I can see the hurt in peoples faces, the pain of their hearts when they speak, but, they run from me....why?
DAddy was super sensitive, and he didnt know how to handle it, he came from a family of hard hearts, and he just wanted to be loved.....I loved him dearly but we couldnt talk, we couldnt communicate, and even on his last sentence to me, "Im ready to go home," I thought he meant ready to go to his house, on Broadway. I wanted to take him to his house to live his last few days, to care for him, but, yet, so fearful, I wouldnt be able to do it.
He was ready to go HOME...he had made his peace with his Lord, and was ready to go home....and I didnt understand him....
It took me months to realize what he was saying, even tho he died two days later....
I did get to tell him good bye, and release him, and tell him I loved him, and mommy....My children were sitting around his bed, granddaughter was there, but we dont have memories of it, no one talks about it.....No one cares to talk about it....
Granddaughter doesnt remember her great grandpa, I have tried to talk to her about him but she just says, I dont remember him....
That hurts...that is the only way we can keep aperson alive in our spirit is if we talk about them, remember them, rejoice in their life....but, no one ever rejoices those lives.
WHY NOT?
The last time our family got together (daughter, son-in-law- grandaughter) we watched tv....a movie, it was good, but, there was NO relating with each other.
Christmas was good, my son and his g/f was here, we drank some wine, let our minds relax, and we COMMUNICATED ALL DAY! it was awesome!!!!!
but yet my daughter is so against drinking we cant have a bit of wine or anything when she is here.......
I just want to be loved, but it isnt there, I dont feel it from anyone....
I feel liked, but, no one would miss me if I leave tomorrow....
oh, maybe daughter would, for a day or two but she would get along with out me...
I always thought I could get along with out my parents, because I never seemed to be able to relate with them....but, I do miss them terribly....I spent many a day on their couch, just sitting with them, not talking much, nothing deep, nothing emotional. I never let them see me hurt. They would always try to fix it if I did, and, I couldnt accept their help....why?
I allowed them to see me cry once because ex had wrecked my car, and they right away went out and bought me a used car. One that had lots of problems and ended up costing us alot of money in repairs...
there is just so much inside, unsaid, missunderstood, and wanting to be released, feeling as tho im going to explode!!!
feels like the world feels, ready to explode
Was Jesus before his time?
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