Rest in Peace

Emma Louise my sister died... Sept 8, 2006, she was 58.... the same day we laid my adopted daddy to rest in 2002, the same day they laid my baby sisters adopted momma to rest in 2005, strange isnt it....

October 19, Judy, my friend who talked me into moving to Harper, small town USA, passed away on her birthday....she was 55. May they both, rest in Peace....

I know that God lives

Words of Job,
"everyone who knows me avoids me..............
If only my words were written in a book, better yet, chiseled in stone!
Still, I know that God lives----the One who give me back my life--- and eventually he'll take his stand on earth.
And I'll see him----even tho I get skinned alive!---See God myself, with my very own eyes, oh , how I long for that day! paraphrased from The Message

I love it!!! The introduction of Job in The Message says that Sufferers attract fixers the way roadkills attract vultures. At first we are impressed that they bother with us and amazed at their facility with answers. Actually, i have found no one with answers, other than telling me to kick the devil in the balls and start praising God!!!

I loved it Friday as I was grieving the passing of my sister, and the leaving of my partner one of the ladies from the church comes in and sits her ass down and pretends to be so sympathetic to me, listens to me pour out my heart then immediatly starts telling me how she has no status, about how the board of one of the nursing homes has nilled and nulified her and how she just isnt being listened to. LIKE I REALLY CARED ABOUT THAT AT THE MOMENT????
I didnt mean to be unsympathetic to her "problem" but I guess she really had nothing to say to me so to dump her lack of self worth on me too. She is one of the biggest problem makers in the church, causes people to not want to take on jobs and causes much hurt in peoples feelings because she jumps on them for not crossing t's and dotting i's!
Yet she is an ordained minister!!!!!!! HOW PATHETIC!!!!
I looked her in the eye, after her complaining that she had no status, and said " you know, that is what is wrong with this church, everyone has such a huge ego, there is no room for GOD"
Well, needless to say she didnt stay sitting much longer, she gathered her things and left.
I was in NO MOOD TO LISTEN TO THAT BULLSHIT!

I miss my partner, I miss my best friend, I dont want pity from people, I just want a friend!
Someone who says, I know, I have been there, I understand your pain, give me a hug and maybe stand in prayer with me and help me just move on....
The Message says it best....." So, instead of continuing to focus on preventing suffering--- which we simply won't be very successful at anyway--- perhaps we should begin entering the suffering, participating insofar as we are able--- entering the mysterday of looking around for God. In other words, we need to quit feeling sorry for people who suffer and instead look up to them, learn from them, and--- if they will let us---- join them in protest and prayer. Pity can be nearsighted and condescending; shared suffering can be difnifying and life-changing. As we look at Job's suffering and praying and worshiping, we see that he has already blased a trail of courage and integrity for us to follow".

"Sometimes it's hard to know just how to follow Job's lead when we feel so alone in our suffering, and unsure of what God wants us to do".

Her pain is over

Emma Louise, my sister, probably the only other person in my life that could look at me and know I was torn up inside is now gone. The window of opportunity to get to know her is now over.
Emmie as I called her, was taken from cemetary of our mom in 1959 by her bio dad, along with our other sister and two brothers, dropped off at his new wife (who didnt know he had another family) in Washington State. From there, taken to an abusive uncle, and then when he was done with her taken to an orphanage where she was sexually abused and made to feel even less of a human being.....she grabbed ahold of the first person who could help her get out of there when she was 18, from there on out her life was one living hell to another one. When I first found my bio granny in 1975, she told me she didnt know where any of the kids were since she had not seen them since our bio moms funeral in 1959. It was several years later that I recieved a phone call from Emmie excited that she thought I was the baby sister who was 2 when our momma died. It took me several months if not a year to convince her i was adopted out at birth, and, that I was not Nancy Jo who was 2 when our momma died.
Over the years of getting to know her, it was only thru snail mail letters since she could never afford to pay off her phone bills, and never had a phone for long. Even tho she never really opened up and told me her hurts and pains in life, she and i had a special emotional bond. I guess that is the sister thing.
Emma Louise passed on last night, alone, in a nursing home, full of bone cancer, she died with her own thoughts and dreams never told, never fullfilled....... Emmal Louise loved her kids more than life its self, and there is so much about my sister I will never know.....for that I mourn, the lost opportunities to know her more.
I love you Emmie.....

the two Cyns

It was an exciting day of my life, 1996, I was on the trail of a new life, taking an 18 month class on Travel, and going to be a travel agent. woo-hoo....I sat at the back table since the only other table was up front and a guy was sitting at it.It was close to time for class to start and a tall woman walked up and asked if she could sit at my table, of course, have a seat.
Hi my name is Cynthia, well, hello, my name is Cynthia also, but my friends call me Cindy. As we chatted during the day, we found we had so much in common, both had daughters with the basic same name, both had the same last name at one time in life, she was born a Lowe, and I was married to a Lowe, here is the freaky part, her dad's name was Jack, and my father-in-law's name was Jack! So it was one of those doo-doo-doo times....That day we became the Two CYNS>>>CIN & CYN....We became good friends during the course of the class, we both ended up teaching the class more than the paid teachers! The school had teachers who wouldnt show up, and, IM STILL PAYING FOR THE DAMNED PLACE!!! We would sit at the back, had the best grades of the class, and, would laugh and joke the whole day, our one of many instructors would get so pissed, thinking we were laughing about her, when she was the furthest thing in our minds. She found the class boring and disillusioned of not being able to learn what she had come to learn. She quit after 4 months of it. I remember the day she quit, I sat and bawled my eyes out because my best friend was gone, and once again, I was alone. No one in that class even came close to being the kind of friend she had been, and, now she was gone. We stayed in touch, altho she lived 50 miles away, and, then, my divorce (at her encouragement) then she moved to another state 6 hours away, and, still, we kept in touch. Calling each other at least once a week, always having a good laugh, and, I thought, we were best of friends.
Over the past two years since my BBQ went bellyup, and, my life has fallen apart, she has insistently told me to get my partner out of my life, and, I insistently kept telling her, I couldnt, wouldnt, and had many reasons why I didn't. Over the past 6 months with it being the worst 6 months in my life emotionally and partner in and out of rehabs, she has pulled back. I havent talked to her but maybe 6 times which was another emotional detatchment. I have called her but she doesnt answer, and doesnt call back. I finally left a message and asked if we were no longer friends. Today I got a shock of my life.
I received an email from her, and, she is not wanting to continue the friendship, which truly hurts, and, I guess she says we have grown apart, and have different phylosophies. I dont know what that means, but, hopefully some day we will be able to sit down and talk about it. I grew up in a family that didnt talk things over, just got pissed at each other, then, didnt deal with it....and apparantly she did the same. I have grown and learned to talk about problems, but, apparenly she still doesnt....I miss her, terribly, and hope we can talk about it, and make things right....I am sorry for what I have done to cause her to back away...please know Im sorry!


Am I this fucking bad of a person? I have always tried to put other people first, i felt safe with them, only to find out, I wasnt safe with them....So, I pull back into my own world, and, keep pluggin on, allowing others to tell me by their actions Im not worthy of their friendship...I dont know how many times I have been in a group of people, start to talk abotu something, only to have someone butt in and take over the conversation, and, I listen to them, pour it out, then they go in their own direction...My partner might be the biggest drunk of my life and, maybe will never change (altho, for now he has sobered up once again) ....I really do miss my other bestest friend Cyn!

RecoveryMan Need a Laff?

ok so I said I was done, but....

I guess my blog is about the only way to really express myself, and, after learning the news of my sister being on deaths door with cancer, I will most probably HAVE to have this place to vent.

It makes me so sad, she and I most probably could have been really close, but, for what ever reason, when we sstarted writing, we would carry it so far, and, then, life would get in the way and it would be years before I would hear frm her again.
She had such a difficult life, being sent off to live with the French woman then, their Uncle Frank who beat them, and, then took them to the orphanage. She had told me she was sexually abused in the orphanage which is why she would never allow her downs syndrome daughter to go to school, or put in a home. She left the orphanage when she was 18, and, met up with a guy who she had a son with, I dont know what happened to their relationship but I know she ended up nesting up with some old man who took her back and forth to California year after year. She never had much, she lived out of the car most of the time, bringing what she could back from California to start over every year. My brother who used to be the only one who didnt have a family to keephimself tied down, would go to Muskogee to check on her quite often, he always knew she would live in the same neighborhood when she came back from California, she never went far. If there was an old beat up car in the yard, he knew where to find her.

Now she is dying, and, I cant go to her.....being alone when I die....is what i fear most, and I cant go to her....I dont even know how I am going to pay this next months bills let alone find money to go to OKC to the hospital to see her.
I HATE BEING POOR! I never ever thougth I would end up in this posititon in my life, how in the hell did it all happen, I just wish someone could explain to me why things have happened the way they have. But, no one can...there are no answers...

I dont remember ever being told I was adopted, but..

I dont remember being told I was adopted, but, I have always known it.
My mother who wanted a baby so badly, said "I wanted a baby so bad it didnt matter if you would have been blue, green, purple, 13 fingers or 2 heads we would have accepted you no matter what!" She had already suffered 4 or 5 miscarriages...

The day came that I was brought to Potwin, a small village nestled off of hiway 96 SE of Wichita my mother had to call the grocery store owner because it was after hours, and she had no milk or food in the house for a new born baby. She was in such a hurry to get to the store and get back home she ran into the store owners car which was parked in front of the store. I dont know how much damage was done, most probably a scratch, but, knowing my dad she heard the living h*** for scratching his car....when she got home.
However, being as excited as they were to have this new baby in the house, hopfully he was not that mad.

I was always told, I had two older brothers, and two older sisters, and that the lawyer had a letter written by my birth mother for me when I got "old enough", I am not sure how old, "old enough" was supposed to be, but, someday I was going to go get that letter!

I was raised as an only child, feeling left out of neighborhood fun fests, and childhood birthday partys. The neighborhood was ruled by older boys who loved to chaise me out of the "club house's" and keep me from playing with their sisters who were my age. The child hood birthday partys came and went with out invitations, I learned later because, everyone was related to each other, and I was not one of them, I didnt get invited. My parents were always up for allowing me to have parties, and, so we did. Oh what fun, and the kids who never invited me, ALWAYS showed up....

I wish I could conger up some good child hood stories, what few I have are memories of hot summer days spent, laying under the shade trees listening to the mourning doves coo to each other, never seeing what was making that sound, and the once in a while visiting neighborhood neice or nephew of neighbors who could come over to play. Frequent days spent under the huge oak trees with my neighborhood "grandpa" making mud pies, or collecting acorns with him, or perhaps, picking beautiful zinnias out of his wonderful magical garden.

At 12, my mom and dad had to make a life change since the refinery which had fueled the local economy for decades, closed down.
My dad, with an education of 6th grade, and not knowing how to read, had to go find another job. Which he did in no time, but it was to a town, where I didnt know anyone, and, never wanted to live. I had one cousin in ElDorado, and I LOVED being there but they moved the other direction to Newton instead.

My teen years were spent as any teenager, going to school events and being as busy as I could doing the club thing at school, anything to keep me from having to be at home. My parents were wonderful parents, and did the best they could....for which I will always be thankful, but when you are a teenager who wants to be at home with their parents??

Fast forward, I got married at 17 in 1969, left home, and started that search for the "bio family". My mother went with me to the lawyers to retrieve that letter....
the lawyer who had handled the adoption had passed away a few years earlier, and, his son took over the office. This son, told my mother and myself, there was no letter, and, when his father passed away, he had destroyed all the records. SOOOO my record of existence no longer existed. All I knew was what my adopted mother "chose" to tell me. I was born in Joplin Mo. my biomoms name was Alberta Rooks, her husbands name was Roy C. and my pre adoption name was baby Rooks. I had two older brothers, two older sisters, and, she loved me but couldnt keep me, oh, and that I was part Indian. A fact that I always cherished. BUT, not knowing any tribal history, I cannot even build on that historical existence!

Armed with only my bio mothers name, and town I was born in, I started my search. This was 35 years ago, before, the internet made it so easy!
I had remembered seeing a show on Oprah about families who were reunited, and thought that would be the most exciting thing, to find my bio family. Since I had been raised with no siblings, and my relationship with my adopted family was not the best, I just HAD to find my siblings. After all on tv they all seemed to be so happy and excited about finding each other!! Fueled by the fact I was pregnant with my first child, I wanted to know if there was anything I needed to know about medical history.

I got addresses from calling the local water department, at that time, people werent bound by laws against giving out addresses over the phone!

I sat down and wrote what I thought to be the most beautiful letter asking people with the last name of my birth mother to help me find her. A week went by, no responce, a month went by no response.....maybe two years went by, and no response....

I had battled depression most of my life (didnt know what it was, just knew I was sad all the time). My depression had gotten pretty bad and I was talking to my minister at the church, and shared with him about my search for my biological mother, and how it had really upset my adoptive mother, but, she didnt or wouldnt talk to me about it, instead, she got a terrible rash, as they called it back then, a case of the nerves. I felt so guilty for putting her thru that, but, at the time, she didnt even have anything to worry about, I hadnt found anyone!!

(Or DID SHE?) I still wonder to this day, if she knew more than what she let on. No one is alive to tell me.....

My ministers response was "hey, I have a friend who is a minister in Joplin, let me call him, and see what I can do for you"

With-in an hour, he was calling me back, my first news of my bio family, he had found thru the Rooks name, my biomoms maiden name and called my biograndma....his message to me was "Cindy I have some news, but its not going to be easy for you. Are you sitting down?
Your bio mother died in 1959. Your sisters and brothers no one knows where they are. The lady whom I spoke to is your mothers, mother, your grandmother, but, she is elderly and doesnt seem to recall or accept the fact that her daughter had a child who was given away for adoption. Im sorry." He gave me her phone number and address, but, also said he had given her my phone number and address.

Needless to say, my heart was broke, once again I didnt exist.
....in later years, realized, my depression started approximately 1959, when I was 7, perhaps, having my bio mother pass that year, somehow in the stars effected my psyche ?
It wasnt until two weeks later, I had a phone call from one of my bio mom's sister Dorothy. She had gone to Joplin to visit her mother, my grandmother, and, found the letter which I had sent her after the ministers phone call, she had tucked it away for her daughter to look at when she came to visit from oklahoma.
Yes, my bio mother had given a child away in 1952, but, she hadnt told anyone because I was a product of an afair, her husband was in the army, having affairs marrying another woman and having children.... all over Europe, but, she was the one who was going to be judged because she was the "unfaithful" wife back home....so she gave me away. Or, is one of the three stories....

Being the "serviceman" he was, he had a family started while in the Army stationed at Fort Riley Ks. a wife, two little girls, and then, started on my bio mothers life.
He moved in with his new pregnant wife, leaving his other woman with two daughters to raise alone.....and...had not divorced her yet! Years later, we find out that this child might not even have been his!

Biomom had been married to this man for several years, and had three (two that we know forsure) children with him when he was called to Korea, and, she was left to raise her children alone, without SRS, or welfare. She took up working in a chicken factory, and fell for a fellow worker, or at least, gave in once to him!
this is story two....

After finally talking to my aunt, and she confirmed she knew my biomom had a baby in 1952 whom she left up for adoption. This aunt, claimed to have been pregnant by the same man at the same time but had an abortion instead of the baby.....so....i have a step brother or sister but not alive.
I asked the aunt if I could go visit my grandmother and I was informed "she is elderly, and very poor, dont expect to "get" anything from her. I never did know if she was speaking not to expect any info, or, any material gain from my grandmother. I got neither!

Grandma was a very frail, old for lack of better word, hillbilly type woman.
she had led a very difficult life, collected junk for a living, and, made do with what she had. Leading a life with a man whom was filthy, vial, and a child molester (as we found out later in the story). Our visit was probably one of her first vists from a grandchild for a very long time. She had not been to her home farm where her son lived for over 35 years, and it was just across the town. She offered us lunch but after looking at the table which was covered with the filth, old dirty cans, bugs crawling, chew in a can sitting, we offered to take them to lunch.
She choose to go to Kentucky Fried Chicken, she said she hadnt had any for so long. She was hunched over, grey braids, large bones holding an old weathered wrinkled body. Just looking at her, you could tell how diffciult her life had been. Oh how sad I was, wondering what she had to go thru to bring her to this point in her life.

Being raised to do what I was told, and not ask why, It has been difficult for me to grow up not asking why. Now, I wish I would have asked more questions!

The next contact I had was with an uncle