please stop the insanity!

When I was a little kid, my daddy was my hero, he could make everything ok again.....or....could he....
I looked up to him like he was John Wayne, until, I was about 12, then, he was no longer my hero, and, he was just a man.
How sad. I dont know what happened to close my eyes to him as my hero, but, something was lost, something was over between him and me. Maybe it was the fact I was growing to be more of an adult, and he no longer knew how to relate to me.
He had a 6th grade education, and, I had moved on.
Now, my mom is dead, my dad is dead, my grandparents are dead, all of my aunts and uncles are dead, or close to it, my cousins no longer have anything to do with me, after all I was adopted, they only put up with me because i was my "parents" child....We have not kept in touch over the years much, other than funerals, and, going thru family "stuff" which was the most painfull experience, having the auction of my dads family belongings. I felt as tho they only came to get what they wanted, and I havent seen them since.
Now, my life is in such shambles, and I have no heros.
I just want the pain to go away, I just want the insanity to quit. The is no one to come to my rescue.
My faith has always kept me afloat, but, I feel as tho I am sinking fast, and nothing there to suspend me.
I have to look at the fact partner turned himself into a treatment center, on his own, but, now.....no job....no paycheck....no money coming in, now what....he finally landed a full time job, worked a week, and now....what!

My boss cut back my hours to one day for the next pay period, I cant come close to surviving on one day.
I have already had to let all my credit cards lapse, and not get paid, and, my credit is totally ruined.
I have applied all over town for full time jobs but there isnt anyone who will hire me. With 30 years of experiences, none of which are good enough to land a decent job.
I am so alone.....
where do I turn....
why do my prayers go unanswered....
Im so FUCKING SCARED!!!!!!!
Today is my granddaughters 5th birthday, I will do the day on credit cards, and try to have a smile, but, im so tired of hiding behind false smiles....
I just want to climb up into someones lap and have them tell me things will be ok.....
but, they never are.....
I am so screwed....
and, I didnt even get to enjoy it........