Epiphany

I wish I knew how to put new fonts on here, I have seen other blogs with creative writings, and so many creative things, but, dont have a clue how to put them on.

I went to treatment center to see partner today, had to introduce myself, and, tell abit about our "crisis" that took him into treatment. I feel apart,started crying, it was very difficult to talk about all that has happened in the past few months leading up to him going.
They will most probably want him to go into a half way house after treatment, which i fully agree on, but, how the hell am I going to pay bills while he is not here and paying his way in a half way house?

I know my faith is being stretched but, my earthly eyes just cant see how this will happen?
Im already going to most probably end up with my wages garnished because of my owed debts, now this, it just gets to be WAY TOO MUCH to have to deal with! but, Im trying really hard to just let it be with God!

Something in a Bible Study I went to last night was stated which made so much sense,
in Exodus, the Isrealites were not following Moses because they believed, but because they feared Pharoah, they did not cry out in Faith, but, unbelief. The whole book doesnt show us in our own personal Egypt moment, that all things are going to go the way we want them, but, to keep us from getting disappointed in God when our expected "deliverance" does not come!
WOW...did that hit home!

Because during the week in my other Bible study, I had the epiphany God doesnt promise to pay my bills, but, promises to be there with me when I cant! Altho, he does promise to be enough!
which still blows my mind in understanding totally!

ok just so you know

Everyone seems to make money off the internet but ME, OK so I cant figure out how to do it, just figured ide get me a cool donation button....go ahead, try it out :)
save me from drowning out here on the kansas wheatfields!

more faithbuiling strategy

Well, its at an all time high, or low which ever direction you want to look at it.
Thursday was my court date, i took the 2 years of records they demanded, the lawyer they hired to "meet" me was from here in town, and, known to be a lazy sob, so, hopefully, he isnt agressive! but dont know that....
I explained why my debts, and gave him my paper work, and asked what they would most probably do, with out looking at my numbers and income, he said, most probably garnish your wages. Well.....working 5 hours a day, 5 days a week, doesnt pay my bills the way it is, let alone after they take their share, so.....hanging on to a tiny thread here....

Got home..and found the partner sitting with his sister, he hadnt gone to work GRRRRRR makes the 3 day this week, and...he was too drunk!
He was supposed to leave on Sunday for his treck to California to work with his friend out there, and, help us get out of debt! yeah right!
he is now sitting in rehab, another 10,000.00 bill coming to us after he gets out!

Plus he had quit his job, to go to california, so.....not only is he not going to california for 23.00 an hour, he quit his 10.00 an hour job, and jobs around here are TOO HARD TO FIND!!!! let alone for even 8.00 an hour!
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FAITH IS GETTING A MAJOR WORK OUT.....................

does anyone else have problems with blog?

(my blog doesnt seem to publish the whole thing anymore not sure what is going on?) this is the bottom of the "Soul" post


We visited an awesome church on Sunday, The Journey, and, it was so right on with where Im at emotionally, I wont be able to go for the next two Sundays because of commitments in other directions, but, hopefully, I can get plugged in there, with Partner leaving, I will go frickin nuts in this town alone!
I went to Bible study last night, with several women in the next town over, the yuppie snobby type of town, a town which is so "religious" and clique-ish. When I walked into the house, they seemed nice enough, the lady I had talked to at church on Sunday was there, I went and sat beside her, she didn't say a word to me. Sunday I tried to talk to her, and ask questions, get to know her, but, after small talk she walked away, and, never said another word to me.....So....going to Bible study with these people will be a challenge, but the name of the study is "Walking by Faith out of the dark" boy have I and am I there! SO I HAVE TO GO....
one of the first things I have to do is ask God to help me get past the inferior feelings I feel being in that group of women.

It doesnt help that I lived in my dream home, 2 miles from that town, 12 years ago, and was happy, living with my love of my life, my three foster kids, and, life was good.....then, we took that dreadful turn, and moved to the country, to raise EMU's, and....lost...everything...every penny, our love for each other, his drug involvement, I had to give up my foster kids, my moms accident, then, pending divorce...so much has happened in those 12 years, and, now, i have to drive past that house...every time I go to the Bible study....and...the church where we visited, happens to be the church where I got married 22 years ago!
Oh the flood of emotions that hit me that day at church I was not expecting...

Lord if I can ask for one thing, please give me strength, Im not feeling very strong right now....
it hurts so much.....


my head is pounding, my heart is racing, my soul is dying....
but...when I think of the pain Jesus went thru when he carried that cross up the hillside, then the pain of the nails going thru his flesh, and his body.... we will never know the cost of the cross....oh Jesus, my pain is nothing to compare to yours....

Trying to live it is well with my soul, but.......

The church I work for hired us to cater the Valentine banquet, which, I am really thankful for their vote of confidence. Since our bbq closed, my confidence has fallen to an all time low. It helped that the minister there was one of our really loyal customers helps, he hired me because he knew me from there. We will have that extra money for this months income, which is always great. Im trying to not freak out, with knowing the court date is coming up next week, and my lawyer has treated me like he could care less. He has not given me good advice, and me being the stupid one, should have fired his ass along time ago and went to someone else. BUT, I paid him the money I had left, for retainer fees, and, now, have nothing more to pay him. He wont even answer phone calls, and, I dont even know what im really supposed to expect next week, or what to take, they demand 2 years of income tax reports, bank statements, etc etc, that is ahell of a lot of copying, and first he said they couldn't ask for that, then he said, they could, i don't know if he knows what he is doing, altho, he claims he has been a lawyer for over 25 years! will they throw my ass in jail, take my house away, what is going to happen?

It has been working on him all month since his former boss asked him to come back to California to help build a ski lodge cabin. HE finally made the decision to go back there, leaving the 19th, then, he will drive out there and work, supposedly sending me money to help keep me afloat, but, knowing his behaviors here at home, when Im gone, he cant control his drinking. IT worries me having him going that far, alone.
He really is so fragile emotionally, but, wont admit his emotional deficiencies.
I dont want to admit being scared being here in hometown alone, but, its fricking blowing my mind. Here Im the one who didnt want to come back here, and got stuck here. He is going to the mountains where I WANT TO BE! HE will be going back to his old lover, but, this time she is married to his boss, and, he is going back to the state where he lost his mentality, and his capability to cope with out drugs and alcohol, and ended up in prison for to many dui's. I just hope he has learned enough skills to not go back to his old way of life....
I wish I could just sell everything and walk away and go along, altho, I am tired of taking care of him, Im still worried about his well being.

Finally have time

When partner is out of town, and I dont have to "babysit" him I finally have time to do some reflection on my own life, what is going on in my head, and how it effects my world. When he is here, I have fragmented time to sit and listen, other wise, Im trying to "hide" from him, mainly when he is drinking. I dont mind his drinking to a point, but, once he hits that point, he demands attention, and, then his ego takes over and he becomes impossible to talk to...that is the point I HATE!

I have been trying to figure out what void he fills in my life, he has been with me for 5 years now, it was to only be 2 weeks!!! BUT....I am forever thankful he has been here, the road I have had to take this past 5 years would have been unbearable without him, or at least without SOMEONE to go down that road alone would have driven me over the edge forsure! On the most part it has been alone, for he can never give me any real advice to go on, but, he is there to vent with, for the most part unless he is too drunk, then it becomes all about him. Our relationship is a strange one at the most! We dont have sex WA WA WA, now actually that is no big deal, he cant get it up, and im too fat to enjoy it! BUT...now that im post menopausal, I should be enjoying a sex life like never before!!!
I miss the cuddling at night, we sleep in seperate rooms, my knees are bad, i have to have pillows between the legs, (sounds sexy huh?) and it is just too much trouble trying to sleep in one bed. Even if I try to sleep in same bed, he has no clue how to cuddle and enjoy laying together....so, i long quit trying.
I miss that with my ex, our sex life was GREAT and I loved waking up with him in the mornings. I miss him so much, but has made it clear by his lack of action since being back in town, he isnt interested in even having a friendship with me. I let him know partner was going to be gone this week and there was dead silence on the phone, then i made a joke about it and he said "i have to go now ok?" what if i would have said, NO its NOT ok....I want you to come over.....I wanted to so badly but didnt....i just said, ok, call me sometime, click, h e was gone....
I cant take that rejection, i lived with his rejection for so many years....
even tho our sex life was great in bed, our life on the out side was so empty.
He had his own friends, and, unknown to me his drug life I didnt recognize, as I have written about in earlier posts. He was always too drunk to go to family reunions etc, so I quit trying to get him to take that part of my life with me.
Partner now, loves going to family things, he supports me fully in all I want to do and where I want to go, but...now, I have no family reunions because I have no family left! My cousins get together but dont invite me, and Im not going to invite myself, so, I just dont go. since daddy died not one cousin has called and said, hey how you doing? They were all there during the time of the auction, but, that was to get what they wanted, then they were gone.

I taped a history channel show about Lynn Swan, it was GREAT, and, the host was Howie, OH MY GAWD looks like "JD"....the one who broke my heart.....I was in lust all over again thinking about "JD" I watched it two times just to see Howie and relive the fantastic moment in my life when JD was there.....then....
i taped another show, and, went back to rewind it and the fucking VCR ate the tape!!!
I am just not supposed to have reminders of JD in my life! Even when he was in my life, our last day together , unknown to me that I would NEVER see him again. I took pictures of him, and the camera didnt flash, and, no pictures came out! HE is basically just a figment of my imagination...no proof he was ever there....
just a fading reflection of what never was to be...to be really happy, to be with someone I love, and want someone to love me as much as I love him....false expectations, false emotional forbearence, unknown mental abilities to cope with life as it has been, as it never changes.
The one of a few times in my life I was so happy, and it was stripped away, zap, gone....and the only way to deal with it is just not think about it, put it in the crevouses of my mind that dont get opened very often, to hide it away from my inner most feelings, and bury it deep where no one will ever know the pain, again....those, are the things my life have been built on....they say it makes a person strong to go thru painfull experiences, but, im tired of being the "strong one" It builds character, I dont have a way for all of my "character" to come out so what difference does it make?

Finally gave in and went

My moms favorite cousin, had some heart surgery I had to take the time to go visit her, and finally forgive her in my own heart because she has never asked for forgiveness. FORGIVENESS< ITS SO IMPORTANT > Im hoping I have totally forgiven her, but, Im finding myself not wanting to go over there again, now, because she said a few things about me in a way of her voice that made me feel insecure in how she feels about me. Its like a squeeky wheel that goes off in my head when I hear that tone of voice, it makes me pull away....
I have one close friend here in town, and, I have known her longer than anyone alive other than relatives. She and I are best of friends, but, we dont talk....I have opened up to her, given her my total truthfullness, but, yet I cant get her to really talk to me. She finally shared about her uncle dying today, now, she is one of the elder ones of the family. Her kids dont realy accept her into their family anylonger so, now she is alone, and the relatives are mostly gone too except cousins who dont know each other, sounds like my family!!!

Mike is the historian in the family
we need a writer of history (*Rosalea*
Every family needs a story to keep it alive, vibrant,
the bible told us how people LIVED!
They did something bizzare or fantastic, an

New plan?

WE ARE ADDICTED TO OIL? when it has been the government who refused to give us alternatives to using oil?
Where are all the tax breaks for those of us who tried to live that alternative life style, and tried to accept the low level of life, giving our all to the public, nothing but bills, and debts.....and now, WE ARE ADDICTED TO OIL?

WHAT A BUNCH OF BOLOGNA!!!!!!

When our country comes up with a new fuel alternative, we will no longer be dependent on the old world, and able to take off into the new world of technology.
We have lost so much of the link into the future because we have been taken down a road of bullshit!!!!

Are we not to look for truth?

Are we not to demand honesty?

Are we not to make our own destiny?

Did God give us that permision?

the warmest January in record!!!! Two channels both have different averages, one channel says, 43 average temp for January, but other channel says, 56 average temp,
so which channel do we believe?

Who are we listening too?


Has anyone else heard the call from Willie Nelson?
he has it goin on and do we hear him?


Willie for Pres in 2008!
He has paid the price, and he knows how to go it on!

anyone else out there???????


please answer.....

Something has happened/addicted to OIL? how about drugs? how about alcohol? addicted on OIL??????????????

Grains grown in America, Winnebego life, bio fuel, wouldnt you rather smell cooking oil, than desil fuel?
cut the need for foreign oil, Willie, on the Road Again! YOU GO WILLIE<<< PRES IN 2008??>>>>>
what a song, it took me over thousands of miles, traveled with the mini rod tractor pulling circut back in the late 70's & early 80's, which i HATED....now...I look back it gave me travel, and, party times. Only thing is, the only one who noticed me was the other guy......
With the lure of temptations, looks coming from them teasing me to come to them,
Finally, the temptation got too big for me, and I gave in, I ran to the first one who would have me, and settled for that, until, each time, now wondering if I lured them, or they lured me?
When we see the past, does it help us understand the future, with any understanding of the NOW?
My life has just been so screwed up for so long, and Im so FUCKING TIRED OF IT!
I cant even go out to lunch with someone, and have a decent conversation with out, interuption, or, the inability of being able to really get intimate with someone.
People are so scared of being vulnerable, I have cried infront of everyone of my friends, with the pain I have lived, but NOT one person has taken me and held me, or just said, Ill pray for you.....
I have had to ask for prayer everytime I have gone to church, Even tho I dont go to church, I keep in touch with my church sisters, at least I see them as sisters, but, Im just that woman who has so many problems.
If she would live a nice married woman life, she wouldnt have so many problems.
YEAH OK>>>>> EASY FOR YOU TO SAY<<<<<<
My mother tried to give me a "forced" happy home life, and never gave me a clue on how to live that life! How to live an unfullfilled life and be satisfied!!?????