so sad today

my partner is gone, i had to kick him out, and it was only by the grace of God that
he does not have to live on the streets. I have prayed for his addictions to be healed, for his soul to be comforted, and for his life to be changed.
I cannot do anything more.
There is nothing i can do for him, he has lied to me, cheated on me, given me false hopes over and over, and stolen from me for the last time.
I miss him terribly tho, was i that desperate for friendship, to allow him to treat me like shit
and, now, my ex, is doing worse to me....
When he told me he had no place to live. I knew my partner was going to be leaving.
I knew my life was going to change, i also knew i didnt have a job to support me. I cannot make enough money to keep bills paid while living alone.

I have never been totally alone, with out money, with out friends, and with out
parents, i was so looking forward to having ex move in, just for the company...
and, yes, hopeful repair of our marriage which ended 10 years ago.
Not that i wanted to be married to him again, just wanted to learn to be his friend.

My own son wont even call me, i have tried to call him, leave messages, texting, nothing works.
AM I THIS TERRIBLE TO BE AROUND?


I Dont want to feel sorry for myself, no one else does....
i want to be care free and fun, but
i have ended up with everyone elses burdens, and no place to dump mine...
They say give your burdens to Jesus....
but, he just keeps giving me more......

the ex is NOT such a looser, he just doesnt care about material things
he is kind, and gentle and so mysterious...and so afraid to love.....

My mission in life is to teach the gift of love....
I had looked forward to being with her, for her friendship always meant so much to me, but, i find she is nothing more than a controling bitch...
and if communication is not found with her, all will be lost...
she totally defeated my love for her when she told me she never liked my dad and the only reason they were in his life was because of mother...

She let go one of her care workers because she said she couldnt stand to see her
called her a threehundred pound cow.
This woman, i had always looked up to, a "good Christian woman" is so full of hate, and bitterness towards who?

She should be happy, and blessed at how her life has been.
She has had everything she ever wanted, and beautiful grandchildren, and she doesnt even what to see them or know them...my mother died before she got to see a great grandchild, she would have loved to see them.
She loved me so much, and gave me so little...
oh how i wish i could say, allthe things i learned from her, but...i cant...
i learned not to be mad, because dogs get mad....
Why didnt she teach me how to not be mad?
how to forgive.....
but she did....just not in words....
she told me the story of how her father inlaw, my grandfather, tried to kill her....
pushed her off of the hayloft when she was pregnant....

how, did she forgive him?

and i never asked questions...

the lady i take care of, told me she didnt want to go to church with her children today because her hair was so awful, and, she didnt want to be seen that way....
how horrible!!!
Yes she is recouperating, and wasnt sure she had the strength to get into church or not, but, she has a wheel chair, and she is too proud to be seen in it, or with her hair undone!

How full of pride can a "good christian woman" be?

The ex was supposed to come over today, to talk about his stuff being here, and his inablitiy of holding down a job, and his inability of being capable of getting his life back on track! of course he isnt going to show up....
he would rather show up if i was just going to spread the ole legs...which, i did
out of need, lust, want to see if it was till there, and yup it is!
he wasnt hard, i wasnt thin, but, we still got it on and it was good!

I didnt want to lie about it, but, wasnt sure how parner would take it, but, he got fucked up anyway, so....he showed me he really isnt ready to quit....
gave me the freedom of being disapointed when he doesnt come home in a year...
I would love to think he would come back, and be the new man he left to become, but
unless he truly has a change of spirituality, he will not be back the new man.
i have accepted that, and, i have not had the new spiritual life
the change of heart, the dealings with life, that can make me a new person....
i have had good, bad, and ugly, and, still dont know how to cope with it.
The pain is unbearable, so heavy, i cry out to God, and, dont hear back....
what is wrong with me?

Am i full of shit, is there not a real life change of life, that the
ministers preach about?