Its been over a month now

Since my partner left, and, being in the same home as my ex, life has taken some interesting turns. It seems having the house to himself, with out the presence of another man, now, he has put his own touches on life. Cleaned out the garage, cleaned out the office, cleaned out the room i allowed him to live in. He has helped me move furniture around in living room, and helped make the house become more liveable....it is interesting to see how he has changed. His car is not running, and he has no money to fix it, so....im not sure if it is because he has no form of transportation to run to his other friends, or, because he really wants to be here.
BUT....life is incredible right now. It just feels right....
for the first time in 10 years since our divorce, do i feel like im finally in the right place at the right time, and feeling like life is worth living once again.
He is still unable to voice his likes and dislikes, and unable to vocalize any emotions, but.....we are fitting in many ways that count :)

I have had to become totally unvocalizing, not give him my 2cents worth, and keep my feelings to my self, which has been a real struggle. I have written him emails, he reads them, but will not talk to me about them. In some twisted way this seems to be working. For the first time in our life together which goes back to 1980, we are finally learning to communicate.

I fell in love (lust) with him the moment i saw him. I was in a misserable marriage, where life had failed to thrive. With the loss of our family members father inlaw, mother inlaw, and two sister inlaws, in 1978, which was 30 years ago on May 15th this year. My first marriage died. My children grew up not even knowing much about the wreck, about thier grandparents and aunts who died in that tradgic accident.
I tried to teach them and talk to them about it but they didnt want to talk to me about it, so, I carried the pain of loss and grief in hope that one day they would ask questions. When my dad died in 2003, the first drawer i opened was in the dinning room buffet, and there was a newspaper article about the wreck. My kids and I sat down and talked about it then, and not since.
At, the time of the wreck, my ex shut me out, the only thing we could communicate thru was our sex life, and it was nill.....

In 1980, I was working a dead end job, in a burger joint, and trying to keep a home going with two small children. My needs and wants were two seperate things, and they took over my life. I can see now how selfish i became, and how empty I was, but, one thing that kept me going was a need to be wanted....and needed...

I soon found myself seperated from my husband I had married when I was 17, still a Sr. in highschool. He was 21 and just out of the Army. What did either of us know about marriage, and love? What did we know about keeping a marriage going. After his parents deaths, we went to a grief support group, or I should say, we went one night....I finsihed the sessions, but he didnt. It was very healing for me, since I had fallen into a deep depression because of the pain, and emptiness their deaths had brought into our lives. I was no longer needed, I no longer knew how to communicate with my husband, and no longer felt loved or wanted. Since I had skipped the dating scene by getting married to my highschool love, I started to go out at night with friends to the bars. I began searching for love in all the wrong places, and funny thing, that was the song at the time too...i should have listened!

My journey has been a rough ride, my trip has not been full of joy and enjoyment, but, it has been my ride, my trip, and my journey.
I do not fit into the mold of the good christian girl from Kansas, in fact, i would most probably be considered the samaritan girl at the well..

But Jesus has been my guide, my sourse of light to keep me going, even tho, my path has been in darkness many days. I knew, there had to be hope for change, vision for a future, and knowledge that life wold not always be hell.

I left my husband for a lover, the one i fell in lust with in 1980. After 1 1/2 years of seperation from husband, i divorced him. I can still remember the night he came over to my home, after we had talked on the phone and decided we did not want a divorce. He showed up...and the first thing he did was try to get me into bed, I pushed him away, and said...no, its not going to work...im sorry its over. I want the divorce. We filed and with in the next few months it was over, I never turned back or wished it would not have happened. We always have continued to be friends for the childrens sake. He always paid his child support and always took his turn with the kids. I am sorry the kids had to suffer thru divorce, and the pain of havng terrible step mothers and a drunken step dad.... but they survived and are great kids.
And, have survived emotionally to grow into Great adults, and parents...

Back to 1980, my lust lover....
We continued to build our life together. We married in 1982 (i dont even remember what year...)
We lived in an old victorian house. Raised my two kids with many nights of him being drunk and not able to fullfill promises of going to movies, outings etc....kids grew up with a drunken step father. He could have been a GREAT step dad, but, he chose to fight it, saying "they have a dad, they dont need me...." he was wrong, they did need him, and it is sad he didnt take the time to really try....they have forgiven him....I can only hope, healing will take place fully in the future.

I needed him, and I thought he needed me, but no matter what, we always fit physically at the end of the day going into the night....

Our fight for what?
I knew he was an alcoholic, and knew he had problems communicating with his mom, she had emotionally abused him as a child, and, all i wanted to do was see him healed and walk thru all of those childhood pains.
After being married for a short time, I realized the problem was bigger than i ever imagined, it soon became my passion to see him sober, and walking upright thru his addictions. I had not been in a church for over 7 years, after the death of my inlaws, and the church not reaching out to us, I walked away from their fellowship.

I soon realized how big the problem was, involving drugs, and days of him being gone, not knowing wheere he had gone who his friends were, nothing about his life. I wanted so much to be a part of his life, and he be a part of mine, but...he was running...and I was running after him....

I spent 14 1.2 years running after him....we inherited a lot of money from his fathers death. His mom had kept him from his father by saying he had died....he was 6 when his "father died" she spent the rest of those years lying and keeping him in the dark on his dads disapearance.
When the craziness became so bad, I called his brother who at that time was finishing up his college life of becoming a shrink....I thought if anyone could help ,it might be him. After speaking on the phone for a short while, I dont remember the conversation, but, I found out his father was not dead, he was very much alive, and, his first cousin had played organ for his brothers wedding, and no one had even cared to tell my husband ....
how insensitive to him.

Now After 10 years of seperation from the family and from him i can see how horrible they have been to him over the years, no wonder he wants nothing to do with them, and I pushed him to make amends!
For this I am so sorry!!!!

We did in fact find his dad ,and it was the best 6 years of our marriage. He quit drinking, he was sober, and he had a relationship with his dad. We traveled to KC to see him quite often and, when he died, he left us buco bucks!

Phase two of our marriage. We had money....we spent money....we lost money....his drug addiction took us down a road I did not know, did not understand, and did not know how to fight...I left....

We divorced in 1998, and had not seen each other until 3 years ago when he showed up on my door step after getting out of prison. Oh GOD he looked oh so good, buff, fit, and oh so wonderful to have his arms around me once again. Oh how I had missed him, loved him, and lost him.....
It was Thanksgiving day, dinner with my kids, and, he showed up....
My partner accepted him coming into the house, my kids accepted him coming to dinner, and, life was good. Oh so good to have him back...the one i had loved with all my heart and soul...was back into my life....