the ho in town

Im sure by now my neighbors think of me as a real ho, when I moved in with my business partner, "house mate" and with him not being my husband but a business partner and sleeping in his own room.

KNowing that this is a very moral, Christian town, I am truly surprised that anyone has even spoken to me moving back unmarried, livin with the ole partner...drunken partner at that...

My relatives have never been real close since my childhood. I had my favorite cousins, the ones who were closest to my age, but once we all got married and had families, we have drifted apart. So many things have happened during those years, so many heart breaks, looses, and joys unshared....we barely know each other anylonger.

Working jobs that required me to work weekends over the past 30 years has also kept me from having a lot of friendships, other than a few people met at churches, but now treat me like an aquaintence more than anything else.

My children were raised by my ex, and myself with shared custody, but, "dad" got to take the kids on vacations, and do the fun stuff together because he had the money. I worked 15 hours a day to keep bread on the tables....so there was little time to go do the fun stuff.....and...at that time i was married to an alcoholic who, never wanted to do the fun stuff wth us....so, most probably i opted to work so i had another excuse not to go?
None the less, my kids dont have alot to do with me. My son lives in Colorado, and has not been home for 3 years, and he rarely calls. My birthday in July was the last time he called me. I have called him 3 times, but trying to not call him today. My daughter lives 21 minutes away, and is too busy to even call.

She is on the outs with me right now anyway because I dont live the good christian life that she thinks i should. Im the one who drove her to church every Sunday, not wanting to go, but I was demanding of her to go.
and, now, I have failed in her eyes because I have choosen to live with my partner, and be unmarried. (more on this later)

During the time of our BBQ buisness being up and running, we were working 7 days a week, and trying to keep things afloat. His mentally ill brother came to stay with us, so, then, here I was living with two men in my home, in none sexual relationships...does that make me a bad person?

Now, 3 years later, I find myself, no longer living with my partner and his brother, partner left to go live in a homeless shelter with a year long program for addicts, giving them an 87% chance of recovery. That is so much more than the 10% chance of recover that most multi thousand dollar "recovery centers" give a person.
His brother finally got on medication and is living on his own. To which I am very thankful for both men to be doing what they need to be doing instead of living off of me.

3 months before the partner took off for washington, in walks my Ex. Someone whom I have loved with all my heart for so long, but life took us in different directions and I had to take a different direction 10 years ago. We were broght back together by circumstances I could have never arranged. And, right at the time that my partner decided to make the move to Washington, so it was not like i kicked him out to get my ex in.

The first two months were hell. He could not accept having another man living in the house, and even tho we-partner and myself tried to make him feel as comfortable as we could. He was gone alot of the time spending time with his old drug buddies in the big city, then come home in a terrible mood. It would take him 3-4 days to become human again, and he would go back and it would start all over again.....the third month, toward the end of the month, my partner left for his journey to Washington state.

Enter the 4th month of living together again for the first time in 10 years ...Wen he first walked back into my life after 5 years of divorce, I could not believe how wonderful it was to have him back in my life, I had forgotten what it felt like to be held by him he hugged me when e walked into the door, and OMG, I melted again. IT was like we had first met. The electric spark was so strong I wanted to push him to the floor and pull off his clothes and have wild wonderful sex right there with him. But...my daughter, son-inlaw, granddaughter and house parter and his brother were all sitting at the table, so, figured it might not be a good idea!

Living with that reminder.....house mate and I had tried to have sex a few times but it just was nothing there, no spark what so ever...so, neither of us could bring ourselves to even try again. So, it was a life with a man with out sex. Those feelings were gone, for what I thought forever.
Oh it felt like an explosion to feel "turned on" again!!!!!

So, now backing up a bit, to have my ex back ino my life now, knowing that the old "spark" is still there....I knew, I was doomed....to live a life with no sex, and no physical action as long as I was with my partner.
Did, in fact...I create what happened next?