Time does fly

My Grandma used to tell me when I went to her house and was bored....
"you just wait until you grow old....time flies so fast"

hot damn gram was right!!!!

i dont remember learning alot from my grandma, but she was sure right about time flying when I got old...I have never felt young, and full of joy, except maybe in my first 12 years...but have few memories about child hood, teen years, married early, and
tonight had the AW HA moment....

Each life I have lived has been hoping someone would make me happy...
wanting a boy in first grade to make me happy....
he finally did and my mom made me give his gift back....

I found him on face book, and after 52 years, he didnt remember me, didnt even know "we" had a thing for 3 years....because, it was in my heart, not his....wow how defleeting that was!

As my childhood was played out feeling sad and left out most of the time, knowing the other girls were having fun together while i was at home feeling sad....
I spent a lot f years in my room, hoping the fairies would come out of my closet and allow me into their life....
hearing the mice scamper thru the walls, oh how it scared me...

going to school seemed to be the place I enjoyed being at, but yet so rejected too.
I always felt like the dufas of the class...
I wanted to be one of the crowd, but never quite fit in....
I would call the girls to ask what they were wearing to school, they woud tell me leotards
i would wear mine, and they showed up in socks .....I was set up and went home so crushed....

Hoping to find happiness, a perverbial carrot before me with a trail of tears and fat....
As I learned the rejection game well, and became the victim of it...
food found me and i devoured it with glee.

Looking for love in all the wrong places, gave me a boost, knowing what i wanted in love
was nothing i had ever thought about....i jumped ship for the first time
while i was sinking in a deep hole of depression....

Leaving my two children with my husband of 14 1/2 years and had gone with him a year and half before we got married, I was only 17 getting married. WTF did I know about love?

Marriage is something sacred, and beautiful, if....you find that one to love for ever....
I had no idea what I wanted in life, with a man, all I knew I felt good with him....at the time, it was not the deep feel good, it was the sexual feel good...and wow does that die out fast....

KNowing nothing more than the need to feel sexual, I went for what I knew I could have if I married this guy....We had never even takled about how many kids, if we wanted kids....
or how we would live our life, what his plans were, or what my dreams were....wow
how young and dumb and in lust!!!

Allowing myself to be used sexually by a boy who was 21, I was 17 and knew nothing about love, lust, sex, having babies, paying bills, or even cooking and buying groceries!!!!

Sex wears out and the lust wears off, nothing to keep us together except two wonderful kids which I walked away from...along with the life we had built together...which was all about him....

40 years later, walking along the dusty roads in the wilderness
alot of regrets, not many joys, many sorrows...
i just want to live before I die....
is that the promised land?

Is that the carrot beyond the olden years?
to want to live that long
I never thought I would live this long, or I would have taken better care of my body
is not funny anymore.....along with "help I have fallen, and cant get up" oh no
the fear of falling is now upon me in every walk....

I honestly do not know If I will live long enough to learn to enjoy life
the work has been hard
the labor has been difficult
and the journey winding

but knowing without a vision my people shall parish
oh give me a dream
where my life can become complete...

Come, walk with me, give me your hand, I dont want to lead
I dont want to follow
Just walk with me and see where we can learn to be I....

When I allow someone to take my picture in a bathing suit
I will have finally become happy with me...