2012

Another year gone, what do I have to show for it?
July 7 1952-
Jan 1-2012-



another year paid on my home, no improvements made because I cannot afford the cost of even little improvements. 2012- came from nothing- going out as nothing...

Another year gone, how far have I gone?

5 houses around the block and back.....
I have made 21 moves in my life time
I am 59 and feel as tho I have learned so little
in all of the experiences I have had

When I speak to councelors, they fall asleep
when I speak to friends from years back
they tell me they live vicariously thru me
when i speak to friends from today
they know little from the deep blue see......sea....
why is it my friends who seem to know me are on facebook....
where there is no physical intimination......
but plenty of emotional atraction......
but the one friend I love the most, says im such a drama queen....
and returns so little ....so little to hold on to.....

the one thing i have always wanted.....

and its the perverbial carrot dangling in front of my face
saying.....

your not good enough
your not pretty enough
your not thin enough
your not rich enough
your not funny enough
your not smart enough
your not cool enough
your not there enough
your not .....enough.....

your too emotional
your too fat
your too stupid
your too .....

ok get the picture.....

Amazing Grace how sweet tit is
to save a slut like me.....



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OMG,
there are boys in my lawn....the grass is always greener on the other side....

I watched from a far, knowing he was a "boy"
my first notice of being different from all the other kids in school,
telling my mommy, "Oh yes I loved school,
i even got to meet a boy, and he is a BOY!!!"

I do not remember what my mommy's remark was
but from that day on, I knew my vision was to find
that love I had felt for the first time.... what did i feel?
I dont have a clue, but he loved me, and i loved him, and it was going to be for ever and ever.....

he noticed me, he treated me nice, he even gave me his mothers necklace in the 3rd grade for christmas.....
my mommy made me give it back saying it was most probably his mommy's....

I lost track of him after that, I moved to another town in the 7th grade
and I vaguely remember him being sent to a different school, he sent me a graduation invitation. I always wondered how he got my address because I know I never gave it to him, or anyone else, no one from my gradeschool asked for it.... I became lost- and un-remembered....

In 2010, I found him on Facebook....and he didnt remember me....never had a crush on me, never gave me a necklace....cuz he doesnt remember me.....more verification....im invisible, have never existed.....

one friend came to stay with me after moving to my new town
I took her on a double date, and the guy tried to take advantage of her all night long.....
she went home, I never heard from her again.....
I wrote her and told her I was sorry for his behavior, I had asked my boyfriend who was a Fr in college.....

What in the world was I doing dating guys from college when I was just a freshman in highschool!!!! meaning I MET THEM WHEN I WAS still an 8th grader!!!!!!

the boys in my jr high didnt notice me so, I took what came along...my cousins friends....he was like my big brother, the one I looked up to.... he was 4 years older than me....his friends were too...but he was my cousin....
the one who took me to the drive in movies with his friends....
then by myself.....
and the moves were made....
I said "no" your my cousin....I lost a friend that night....
a cousin, a brother....lost family.....

my first experience of sex getting in the way of a relationship.....

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@_->SEX<-_

Somewhere in my 12th year, my first kiss happened
he tasted like corn....yuck.....

I never saw him again after that Friday night which felt so right
but tasted so terrible......

I just want to be ok, I just want to know that my life will someday
be the one which was worth living.....


WHAT DO I HAVE TO LOOK BACK ON
which was worth the journey....
WHAT DO I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO?
will my life be one which was worth living?

Time does fly

My Grandma used to tell me when I went to her house and was bored....
"you just wait until you grow old....time flies so fast"

hot damn gram was right!!!!

i dont remember learning alot from my grandma, but she was sure right about time flying when I got old...I have never felt young, and full of joy, except maybe in my first 12 years...but have few memories about child hood, teen years, married early, and
tonight had the AW HA moment....

Each life I have lived has been hoping someone would make me happy...
wanting a boy in first grade to make me happy....
he finally did and my mom made me give his gift back....

I found him on face book, and after 52 years, he didnt remember me, didnt even know "we" had a thing for 3 years....because, it was in my heart, not his....wow how defleeting that was!

As my childhood was played out feeling sad and left out most of the time, knowing the other girls were having fun together while i was at home feeling sad....
I spent a lot f years in my room, hoping the fairies would come out of my closet and allow me into their life....
hearing the mice scamper thru the walls, oh how it scared me...

going to school seemed to be the place I enjoyed being at, but yet so rejected too.
I always felt like the dufas of the class...
I wanted to be one of the crowd, but never quite fit in....
I would call the girls to ask what they were wearing to school, they woud tell me leotards
i would wear mine, and they showed up in socks .....I was set up and went home so crushed....

Hoping to find happiness, a perverbial carrot before me with a trail of tears and fat....
As I learned the rejection game well, and became the victim of it...
food found me and i devoured it with glee.

Looking for love in all the wrong places, gave me a boost, knowing what i wanted in love
was nothing i had ever thought about....i jumped ship for the first time
while i was sinking in a deep hole of depression....

Leaving my two children with my husband of 14 1/2 years and had gone with him a year and half before we got married, I was only 17 getting married. WTF did I know about love?

Marriage is something sacred, and beautiful, if....you find that one to love for ever....
I had no idea what I wanted in life, with a man, all I knew I felt good with him....at the time, it was not the deep feel good, it was the sexual feel good...and wow does that die out fast....

KNowing nothing more than the need to feel sexual, I went for what I knew I could have if I married this guy....We had never even takled about how many kids, if we wanted kids....
or how we would live our life, what his plans were, or what my dreams were....wow
how young and dumb and in lust!!!

Allowing myself to be used sexually by a boy who was 21, I was 17 and knew nothing about love, lust, sex, having babies, paying bills, or even cooking and buying groceries!!!!

Sex wears out and the lust wears off, nothing to keep us together except two wonderful kids which I walked away from...along with the life we had built together...which was all about him....

40 years later, walking along the dusty roads in the wilderness
alot of regrets, not many joys, many sorrows...
i just want to live before I die....
is that the promised land?

Is that the carrot beyond the olden years?
to want to live that long
I never thought I would live this long, or I would have taken better care of my body
is not funny anymore.....along with "help I have fallen, and cant get up" oh no
the fear of falling is now upon me in every walk....

I honestly do not know If I will live long enough to learn to enjoy life
the work has been hard
the labor has been difficult
and the journey winding

but knowing without a vision my people shall parish
oh give me a dream
where my life can become complete...

Come, walk with me, give me your hand, I dont want to lead
I dont want to follow
Just walk with me and see where we can learn to be I....

When I allow someone to take my picture in a bathing suit
I will have finally become happy with me...