This has been a journey thru Kansasgals head

I started this blog when I was at my lowest ebb in life, I really didnt care if I lived or died.
I felt no one cared, and no one really gave a shit if i lived or died.
I had lost my buisness, my dad, his inheritance, my love of my life, my mom, my marriage which meant everything to me, and the fact that, nothing was working in my life.
Everything I did, turned to shit, and I just didnt know where to turn, or what to do anylonger.

I needed to have something to believe in

I needed someone to believe in me.

My marriage was over at least 1 year before It ended, but, i hung in there for 12 years hoping it would work out...But as much as i loved him, he couldnt show me he loved me back, other than a great sex life, we had money, we had a home, we had everyting, except, intimacy....nothing together other than material things....and lust.....

I left him, and he set me free.

I wanted to regret leaving and having lost yet another marrage, but.....i had died inside and really didnt feel anything anylonger.
Going to California for a "getaway" to meet an online friend, got me nothing but raped, and, finished emotionally.
I went home with out what i had hoped for renewed feelings for my husband, instead, came home with shame, and fear he would find out i had un-intended, un-invited, sex.
The guy in california, lied, did everything he could to get me to have sex with him, even tho he had promised he was just a friend who wanted me to come out and visit and get my head put on straight.
I have not told many people this, but, it is finally time to tell it.
I had just gotten my computer, I was finally "connected" to the world.

I wanted nothing more than to find my bio family, my little sister, my little brother, anyone else whom I had not found yet. I joined a chat room for adopties. Back then, in 1995-6 it was easy to hook up with people, and, just made a new family. We had a good time chatting about our hunt for family, and brought joy when a find happened.
They even had reunions to meet each other on the chat room.

My marriage was on the rocks, bad choices had taken us into a stupid decision of trying to raise EMU's and, loosing our money, things were going down fast....
I walked out, I left him, to deal with the mess himself....for that I am sorry....
but....he gave me nothing to hang on to....

after I got back from California, the fear of him finding out what had happened in California
made me want to move out even faster.
I ddnt want to hurt him by him finding out....I NEVER EVER wanted to be unfaithful to him.....
and I was, but not by choice. The only choice I had was a bad one, I choose to go to California...which...was the bad choice.
I had an awesome time, but, with the wrong person.
I should have pushed my ex to go with me, but, instead, I flew into another mans arm's.
But NEVER intended on having sex with him.

After the incident, he made me feel like shit, and, treated me horribly.
He was the most awful man I have ever met in my life, but, yet online he was so "sincere, so loving, so willing to be my "soulmate" The person who understood all my thoughts, and feelings.
Oh boy was he practiced! Funny thing is, the internet wasnt even out there very far, so, he was a fast learner or had been practicing on realife women for many years!
He talked me into bording a plane and flying half across america to just "visit" in real life.
yeah right, he immediatly started trying to get me into bed. He didnt STOP until he had worn me down, and, after, he says "oh God, I feel so dirty"
and refused to talk to me, actually took me to the airport, dumped my bags and left while i went to the bathroom. WHAT A JERK!
I forgive him, as I hope my ex has forgiven me. I am sure he found out, but,
never said anything to me. I had left my journals there when i moved out. Sigh, I think he read them.

He ended up having a meth lab in our home, and got caught, ended up in prison, and, has done his time, but, we never could reconnect, we tried, i tried, but, with out the sex he wasnt interested. I had to let him go this time....it tore my heart out, but, its over ....

I didnt date another man until the day i signed the divorce papers of a divorce i never wanted.
I loved him so so very much, or, should i say, lusted after him?
We had such good sex! WOW....

Its been 10 years since the day my mister wonderful rang the phone looking for a ticket to New Mexico.
He made a date with me, which I never expected to happen.
He totally shocked me when he actually showed up to my door, and, had me at hello.
His gorgeous Blue Eyes, oh my GOD MOMENT....

We sat and talked for hours before we realized we were hungry.
He asked where I wanted to go, we drove across town to get there, but, it was so crowded, we decided to go to another place, which, ended up being perfect. quiet, alone, we talked more....
stared into each others eyes....
i was so shy, i couldnt look him in the eye, but....i felt as if he was looking into my soul....
I just didnt know how to look back....
We went to the mall, walked hand in hand looking into the windows of material things...
He was excited about his new job, he was going to be able to buy things he said he had hoped to buy for years.
My thought was that no one had ever walked in a mall with me hand in hand just to look in windows....
Both ex husbands hated shoping, hated malls, and we were never shopping for the same things.
He took me to a movie, Dr Do Little....
His seduction started at the movie, as, his fingers started running along my fingers.
As his finger followed my arm up to my neck, then around my neck....
oh i wanted to melt in his arms...but...not afraid....
no fear, no emotional skill to keep from walking into the den of pain, vulnerable, i wanted that attention so badly.... I was not prepared for his seduction, his most incredible ability to make me feel so at ease, and so vulnerable....
to feel so connected to
was it a lie?
was it a deception?
what felt so real......
how could it cause so much pain?
how could he have killed me and left me on the highway to hell....?

how could something so beautiful be so ugly in the end?
I still dont understand why he came into my life, the beautiful experience the short 6 weeks of passion, desire, and being made to feel like such a queen, then, one day, he was gone, no goodbye, no notice, just gone. How could I be so stupid to believe he was into me, when he was only there for a minute then gone.
It was such a sureal experience, the pictures I took, didnt develope, the hat he left on my couch the last day he was there, the goodbye with out the normal, see ya when he left...
How did I fall so deeply for him, when, he was only there to distroy my heart...it took me so long to get over him...and, may never be able to trust again...
I always believe things happen for a reason, what was his reason for being in my life.....
so many questions....and never any answers...

Beautiful prayer.....

This prayer has been prayed as of today, August 17, 117220752680211171422 times...
it was sent as an email where you add a number to it everytime it is read, and sent on...
please join the prayer, it will change the world...

this is my prayer to you.
PRAY THIS EVEN IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE IT!!


Dear Lord, I thank You for this day. I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you. I ask now for Your forgiveness. Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You. Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over. And It's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits. I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak... Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others.

I pray for those that are lost and can't find their way.

I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately.

I pray for those that will delete this without sharing it with others. I pray for those that don't believe.

But I thank you that I believe. I believe that God changes people and God changes things.

I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For each and every family member in their households.

I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met. I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight.

I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees it.

Father God, I love you and I need you, come into my heart, please.

Know that you are blessed by the person who sent this to you

"If you want peace, work for justice." Henry Louis Mencken

We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of the bad people but for the appalling silence of the good people. Martin Luther King Jr.

Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase. ... Martin Luther King, Jr

Here it is, the Rollin Rib Cage, our dream.

Our first baby died when the Outlet Mall Management killed it with their poor management.....taking our "dream, our baby" down with it.
It has been 3 years since we closed our doors and much depression, and sickness, heart ache, and craziness, but, we are back on track
and gonna do it

we have to, this is my last hope....

Clear the way, The Loose Caboose, Rollin Rib Cage, Smokin BBQ
in back on track!

Coming thru....

Finally some decent info

finally some decent information!
are you ready to come out of the closet?

Mother

When I was small you were there to tell me to stand tall
As I grew you asked me to stay small

As life went on we separated our paths
I wish I could go back and say
Thank you for all you gave to me
Those days are gone
as the shadows grow dim
life is shorter than I expected
One day, you were gone
Now, I wish, I could say so many things
When you left, I had so many regrets
Life is so short, there never was enough time
to do the things you wanted, I always had to run.

Mother Forgive me for not being there on that day
that you so gleefully went walking
to the light and then left daddy and me.

Its been 10 years since the day you left us, last night I had a dream of all the pain I have had since you have passed
and, how much I have missed you but was never able to tell you.
Mother I wish, I would have loved you more
I wish I would have given you more of me
I wish I wouldn't have resented your over powering hold, the over protectiveness you held over me
I wish I could talk to you about my biomother, the one who gave me to you
So many questions, and now, no one to ever give the answers.
Mommy, I miss you
I wish I could go back
I wish I could be that little girl you wanted so badly, but I never wanted to be
I can only imagine, you wanting a baby so badly
You gave me the best you knew how, but, never understood what I needed, not the material stuff, but the inner relationship between mother and child, the bonding, the touching, the discipline...

I rebelled and ran from you, not sharing my feelings and tears
Knowing you would only want to fix it, and not be able to do so
Oh mother, as I grew and you knew I was leaving
your hold started to let go

We never became friends, and now, I resent that I never got to know you

I am sorry mother, I wish I could go back, and do things differently
but, as they say, we cannot go back and fix, only live forward and do.

As my own daughter rejects me, as I have rejected you, she too has passed on the seed to her daughter, my own granddaughter who really doesn't accept me.

I can only live in today, and find the little things to be thankful for
and not live in sef-pity

I wish I could bring you some flowers today, and tell you Happy Mothers day and give you a kiss, and just sit and talk....I miss you mother....

I am sorry
I am sorry
I am SORRY
Please forgive me

mothers of mankind

taking on more responsibility so he doesn't have to
the women need the time alone to get it sorted thru
men don't want to think aobut the everafter
the before and behind of things
we must stand united
where R U mothers of mankind....

the men took the lead in the walk out of the desert
now it is time for the woman to walk back into the garden

nothing like a strole thru the park with the one you love
tell me have you felt the love of the soul
seen thru the portal of the heart
into the eyes

falling into love with the one
who would touch the golden spot of
desire
doors are closed unable to visit that spot
to make love thru the night

I have runaway, oh my love to runaway with you
to fall into the deep abyss of blyss
to fall inlove and know the soul has been touched
to know that the spirit has been brought alive
and given the lust for life
to be rebirthed into the air of golden sunlight
clouds of white feathers lightening the way into the path of
enlightenment
how to live the life which is poured out before us but yet
hidden to those who are dead and blind
oh to taste and know it is good
oh to love and know it is real
oh to desire and know the way

As I was given the day
the darkness brought out the light
a spark like a diamond in the dark
that led me to the holy night

to go back, to know the way forward
the circle of life beyond the belief of
existence
we know not what we are speaking
when we have lost our way
the spirit is lost, and no way back
no guide to find the way
only little hints along the way
has my mind been able to make contact with
but yet the days are empty with out one bit of sight
oh my God in front of me give me a climbse
they speak not of you in the chambers of their religions
I ask for the one word I can recognize but no voice is heard


I know in my heart you are there
I know I must find you
but where....

Imagine a world with out .....

Years ago there was a song which asked us to imagine a world with out heaven

sitting here at home, being eaten away with pain, anger, i had a choice
i could move forward or live in the past
but I have to forgive self
no one can survive unless the man at the top finds a way to forgive himself...

I just don't know what I'm asking forgiveness for

lossing ones self....not knowing who or where i have been other than lost...

needing reason to get married, life was empty
marriage was going to full fill that emptiness
but....it didn't....
I wasnt ready for marriage, I had not tasted the world, to know what I wanted.
BUT, I had dated a couple of guys, i fended them off all the while wanting to give in so badly...but
good girls dont give in....dont have sex out side of marriage....
do they?

my life has been so screwed up