I didnt realize the Kennedy fortune was made on prohibition, he ran rum from canada !
Bernstein boys, other ideas where the purples should make their money, jewish mofia
in Detroit
1925/1932 unsolved murders most attributed to the purple gang
take over the river and control of alcohol from canada
1927, highth of their power, over half was brought in down the detroit river
sell most of their bootleg to Al Capone
he sets his sites on Detroit, opening up a franchise with the Bernstein boys,
they told him to get out of Detroit,
he knew a gang war was impossible, he made an allignment with the purple gang
Buggsy, Highjacks intended Capone whiskey. St Valentines day massicre, missed the target, Buggsy wasnt there, he didnt get killed...
Taken from the History channel, on bootlegging
Country was tired of prohibition
it wasnt working, more death in the streets, more war on streets than when people were able to drink!
soooo where does that take us for the war on drugs?
the killing in our streets because of drugs has created another impossible war to win.
and, look at the evidense, not the propaganda, what the government force fed the nation to believe it was the only way to get rid of drugs!
I find it interesting Kennedys fortune was made on illegal activity, then, it was ok?
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
the revolution
are we honest in life?
is our life built on truth, or, on lies...
can anyone know, during ones life who they are really bowing down to which GOD?
is our life built on truth, or, on lies...
can anyone know, during ones life who they are really bowing down to which GOD?
where i live
I have lived here since 1965, I have very few real friends, ones that can identify with my life, who can know the pain I live in everyday. Some, can try to talk to me, but when they hear of my pain, they are gone, never call me or reciprocate the invitations.
Alcohol seems to be a binder that brings women together, something in comon.
Those who need one another.
Children are a bond, that parents should have with their children.
As much as I love my daughter now,
I dont think we bonded, when my daughter was born, I wanted a son, I was so dissapointed when they told me the baby was a girl. I didnt nurse her, I watched her grow in my arms, but, not sure we bonded. I went forward when she was 6 weeks old, and cried out to God to give me the love and ability to raise her to be the wonderful young woman she is now, she is such a blessing. So adult, and so Christian, so, ............
I loved her, but, didnt know how to deal with the dissapointment.
When I was really small, I had good things happen to me, I was "special" I was given prizes at the Whitewater festival, and, I never knew why, all tho, I felt loved, and special.
Something happened, something during my 10 or 11 year and from there on out, my life changed. I was no longer special, but, cursed, given no choices always taken first thing that took on in my road, thinking, it was a gift given to me, and not checked out.
We were given the choice of the trailer house, kitchen....i didnt want to have to work that hard, and, have no guarentees of finding a living in that life style.
Every choice I have walked into was a choice of peace, a feeling that it was right, it had come up to me and I freely took it.
I freely accepted the responsibility of the work required, the little knowledge given on how to run my business, and very little advice from "friends, co workers, or even professionals, paid big bucks for "advice" no one could give me direction, no one would listen long enough to talk to me, or help me walk thro the direction I was being taken.
We were blessed, given a huge sum of money, and, it was taken away.....so fast.....
I take the turn, and, life changes, nothing goes as I had "expected" or, how, in my mind it made so much sense, and should have worked.
Like buying the Emu's, when we finally got set up, had all the dollars invested, the people who were supposed to be there to help us market, by teaching us, like the big guy south west of town, he got everyone excited about emu's about the wonderful things emu's brought into the owners lives, the pro's and con's, mostly telling the pro's, leaving out the con's.
We were taken for a ride, which left us broke, family distroyed, and divorced.
That was the begging of my end, or, was it the begging of the beginning :)
Leaving for Wichita took me on another adventure, I got a school loan, went to school to become a travel agent, the school was a sham, I didnt learn anything, and, I was not prepared for the job.
My first job was a small travel agency, and, the woman who hired me was a nice down to earth woman, who, I think I could have learned alot from. But, she was let go, and, another manager was brought in who was a small, young, executive agent, who demanded experience, and professionalism which I hadnt learned yet.
I lasted 6 months. In between, while trying to do the job, my divorce went thru, I had ended my 13 1/2 year marrage and, received my freedom. I was a woman who could do anything, I had a career, I had a nice appartment, and I was free to do those things, to live the life I had always dreamed of....
Find a wonderful man, become a wonderful wife, and, have a wonderful home.
What I found, was finding that man isnt easy, in fact it is very diffciult, but, can be alot of fun, challenging, and, rewarding, and hell!!!!
I found myself, heart broken, by one of these "wonderful men" who walked into my life unannounced, mysterically, and, I became another one of his victims, someone who probably was not experienced for his divineer way of swooning me, who, gave me self worth the first time he looked at my eyes, and, the whole evening, something I had NEVER FELT IN MY LIFE....
HE hooked me into his web into his eyes, the first 15 minutes we were together, before the night was over, I was his prey.....
and he became my PRAY!
I lost every piece of my self, I was gone, I was invisible, I didnt exist anylonger, he was gone....
Alcohol seems to be a binder that brings women together, something in comon.
Those who need one another.
Children are a bond, that parents should have with their children.
As much as I love my daughter now,
I dont think we bonded, when my daughter was born, I wanted a son, I was so dissapointed when they told me the baby was a girl. I didnt nurse her, I watched her grow in my arms, but, not sure we bonded. I went forward when she was 6 weeks old, and cried out to God to give me the love and ability to raise her to be the wonderful young woman she is now, she is such a blessing. So adult, and so Christian, so, ............
I loved her, but, didnt know how to deal with the dissapointment.
When I was really small, I had good things happen to me, I was "special" I was given prizes at the Whitewater festival, and, I never knew why, all tho, I felt loved, and special.
Something happened, something during my 10 or 11 year and from there on out, my life changed. I was no longer special, but, cursed, given no choices always taken first thing that took on in my road, thinking, it was a gift given to me, and not checked out.
We were given the choice of the trailer house, kitchen....i didnt want to have to work that hard, and, have no guarentees of finding a living in that life style.
Every choice I have walked into was a choice of peace, a feeling that it was right, it had come up to me and I freely took it.
I freely accepted the responsibility of the work required, the little knowledge given on how to run my business, and very little advice from "friends, co workers, or even professionals, paid big bucks for "advice" no one could give me direction, no one would listen long enough to talk to me, or help me walk thro the direction I was being taken.
We were blessed, given a huge sum of money, and, it was taken away.....so fast.....
I take the turn, and, life changes, nothing goes as I had "expected" or, how, in my mind it made so much sense, and should have worked.
Like buying the Emu's, when we finally got set up, had all the dollars invested, the people who were supposed to be there to help us market, by teaching us, like the big guy south west of town, he got everyone excited about emu's about the wonderful things emu's brought into the owners lives, the pro's and con's, mostly telling the pro's, leaving out the con's.
We were taken for a ride, which left us broke, family distroyed, and divorced.
That was the begging of my end, or, was it the begging of the beginning :)
Leaving for Wichita took me on another adventure, I got a school loan, went to school to become a travel agent, the school was a sham, I didnt learn anything, and, I was not prepared for the job.
My first job was a small travel agency, and, the woman who hired me was a nice down to earth woman, who, I think I could have learned alot from. But, she was let go, and, another manager was brought in who was a small, young, executive agent, who demanded experience, and professionalism which I hadnt learned yet.
I lasted 6 months. In between, while trying to do the job, my divorce went thru, I had ended my 13 1/2 year marrage and, received my freedom. I was a woman who could do anything, I had a career, I had a nice appartment, and I was free to do those things, to live the life I had always dreamed of....
Find a wonderful man, become a wonderful wife, and, have a wonderful home.
What I found, was finding that man isnt easy, in fact it is very diffciult, but, can be alot of fun, challenging, and, rewarding, and hell!!!!
I found myself, heart broken, by one of these "wonderful men" who walked into my life unannounced, mysterically, and, I became another one of his victims, someone who probably was not experienced for his divineer way of swooning me, who, gave me self worth the first time he looked at my eyes, and, the whole evening, something I had NEVER FELT IN MY LIFE....
HE hooked me into his web into his eyes, the first 15 minutes we were together, before the night was over, I was his prey.....
and he became my PRAY!
I lost every piece of my self, I was gone, I was invisible, I didnt exist anylonger, he was gone....
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
my deep sorrow
Sorrow, faith, regret, lingering pain.....
The two people I look up to so highly, are going thru a desperate time of sorrow,
they have just lost another son, their family of 5 children is now, 3 living.
Jon died, 3 years ago, now, David died last week, after missing for 10 days they found his body, in a delapidated building, he collapsed, and died...
what did he die of?
They say he has been depressed, he has had a lot of rejections, his diabetis has kept him from living the life he had dreamed of. Did he kill himself? not, physically, they cant find any wounds or reasons....
did he die of a broken heart, of unfullfilled dreams?
I can understand how that can happen, I feel the same way, I just want to go off, alone, and die.......
The two people I look up to so highly, are going thru a desperate time of sorrow,
they have just lost another son, their family of 5 children is now, 3 living.
Jon died, 3 years ago, now, David died last week, after missing for 10 days they found his body, in a delapidated building, he collapsed, and died...
what did he die of?
They say he has been depressed, he has had a lot of rejections, his diabetis has kept him from living the life he had dreamed of. Did he kill himself? not, physically, they cant find any wounds or reasons....
did he die of a broken heart, of unfullfilled dreams?
I can understand how that can happen, I feel the same way, I just want to go off, alone, and die.......
Friday, October 15, 2004
How do they do it?
Some people walk thru life like it is just a normal everyday thing, nothing much bothers them, and, life is good.
My life has been anything but normal, and never seems to be good!
I try to see the blessings, and the normal things, such as my kids are such a blessing, and they are fairly NORMAL! Which is a miracle in its self concidering the crap they ahve had to grow up with, my divorce, twice, my many moves, my living with Rob, and my numerous business failings. The money they should have been able to inherit, which I have gone thru trying to grow, instead of....lost...evrey penny of it....
over and over, more and more, pisses me off, and the anger comes thru more and more.
My life has been anything but normal, and never seems to be good!
I try to see the blessings, and the normal things, such as my kids are such a blessing, and they are fairly NORMAL! Which is a miracle in its self concidering the crap they ahve had to grow up with, my divorce, twice, my many moves, my living with Rob, and my numerous business failings. The money they should have been able to inherit, which I have gone thru trying to grow, instead of....lost...evrey penny of it....
over and over, more and more, pisses me off, and the anger comes thru more and more.
Dreams
I never remember my dreams, and when I finally have one that I wake up to, it lingers in my mind for days, trying to figure out what it means.
Last night, I was hanging around with a group of people who were teaching me how to fly, I mean, we would get in a circle, jump up into the sky and take off, we could stay up in the air for hours it was incredible. I remember the freedom of drifting around, looking below to see all the worries of the day below. No one knew about our group of people, we got together several times a week, and just had a great time. (did i dream that?) mmmmm its building as I think of it haha...
For some reason we were at a big store, like a Penny's or Montgomery Wards or something like that, not a WalMart, but a old fashioned department store. There was a big car parking lot type of area, my leader who ever she was, told me to come on out to the parking lot, she wanted us to fly in front of the people, I remember being totally exhausted from the week of flying before, and, I couldnt get up, I was too tired.
Im sure it has everything to do with my exhaustion in life im feeling right now, my dispair of not getting my life together once again.
I had it all planned, I would get this house ready for sell, move to missouri and start over....right?
not....its totally in disarea again.
Rob is talking abut going to Florida to work on construction, it would be greta, if he could do it, with his drinking as bad as it is, I trully cant see him down there alone, and making it.
ITs a dream to get rid of him!!! and, know he could walk on his own two feet.
It is amazing to me how half of his brothers are such assholes, and the younger ones are great providers and wonderful husbands, fathers. The abuse the older ones lived thru has such a hold on them they dont function and are dependent in their lives, dependent on alcohol, drugs, women. They cant live with out a woman, but they make life so misserable for that woman they cant stay with one longer than 4 or 5 years, or, that is the story im living right now.
He is a wonderful guy when he is sober, but, he doesnt stay sober very long, 3-4 months at a time, if that long....
Since we have been together he has been in two treatment centers, a dry out center, and each time he stayed sober only short times.
I know he wants to not be the asshole he is when he is drunk, but he doesnt want to do the work of being sober to not be the asshole. Cutting down on his beer is his only choice he takes, which, he can maintain for a few days at a time, then its like he gets tired of being "nice" and has to take his medicine to be the nasty guy and get really bad, the next morning regrets hit him, he cleans up for a couple of days, then, back to the races....im just really tired of the roller coaster ride.
Perhaps my flying dream was a freedom, but, we always have to come down...
Last night, I was hanging around with a group of people who were teaching me how to fly, I mean, we would get in a circle, jump up into the sky and take off, we could stay up in the air for hours it was incredible. I remember the freedom of drifting around, looking below to see all the worries of the day below. No one knew about our group of people, we got together several times a week, and just had a great time. (did i dream that?) mmmmm its building as I think of it haha...
For some reason we were at a big store, like a Penny's or Montgomery Wards or something like that, not a WalMart, but a old fashioned department store. There was a big car parking lot type of area, my leader who ever she was, told me to come on out to the parking lot, she wanted us to fly in front of the people, I remember being totally exhausted from the week of flying before, and, I couldnt get up, I was too tired.
Im sure it has everything to do with my exhaustion in life im feeling right now, my dispair of not getting my life together once again.
I had it all planned, I would get this house ready for sell, move to missouri and start over....right?
not....its totally in disarea again.
Rob is talking abut going to Florida to work on construction, it would be greta, if he could do it, with his drinking as bad as it is, I trully cant see him down there alone, and making it.
ITs a dream to get rid of him!!! and, know he could walk on his own two feet.
It is amazing to me how half of his brothers are such assholes, and the younger ones are great providers and wonderful husbands, fathers. The abuse the older ones lived thru has such a hold on them they dont function and are dependent in their lives, dependent on alcohol, drugs, women. They cant live with out a woman, but they make life so misserable for that woman they cant stay with one longer than 4 or 5 years, or, that is the story im living right now.
He is a wonderful guy when he is sober, but, he doesnt stay sober very long, 3-4 months at a time, if that long....
Since we have been together he has been in two treatment centers, a dry out center, and each time he stayed sober only short times.
I know he wants to not be the asshole he is when he is drunk, but he doesnt want to do the work of being sober to not be the asshole. Cutting down on his beer is his only choice he takes, which, he can maintain for a few days at a time, then its like he gets tired of being "nice" and has to take his medicine to be the nasty guy and get really bad, the next morning regrets hit him, he cleans up for a couple of days, then, back to the races....im just really tired of the roller coaster ride.
Perhaps my flying dream was a freedom, but, we always have to come down...
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
the promise.....
Dearest Briana
Im so sorry I have caused you to be so upset with me.
Im also I havent been the mom you wanted or needed.
I have only been able to be me, the way i know to be.
I have tried to be what everyone wants me to be all of my life
and, when i cant do it, i have run, i have had to get away to become ME!
I loved being in Wichita, but, I missed you, it seemed we didnt get together much, I wasnt what you wanted me to be, by going to church, and so we couldnt just do mother and daughter things.
I appologize we missed that time together.
I couldnt be the wife your dad wanted, to sit in the hot sun weekend after weekend, and drink the day away, and jump into bed with him every chance he wanted.(sorry dont mean to give more info than you want), and then not be talked to and loved emotionally....i had to get away....
I couldnt be the daughter Grandma and Granpa wanted, so I had to get away, by getting married, back then, girls didnt move out and live alone, that is why I gave you your chance to live out on your own, i knew you needed that time away....
Im sorry you were so lonely in Wichita when you moved there alone, I had never lived alone at that time, so, I didnt reallize how lonely it can get, but, I learned after leaving Mark.....living in newton, with only him, and Grandpa after Grandma died....
I couldnt be wife, or daughter, i had to run away.....to wichita....where i wasnt a mom.....
but, i was learning alittle about me....
i couldnt be the employee the travel agent wanted, and, i was too defeated to find a decent travel agency job, so walked away from what i wanted to do, but felt not ready for it....
no self confidence....
I loved my job with the body shop, and when he layed me off, i was so depressed, but, kept trying to make do....
Today you made me feel like all my life changes have been my fault, and i have taken the blame for years, for feeling guilty of not being able to "relate" to people, but, its not that, i havent ever felt accepted to be who i am....
no one ever asks, nor ever really means it when they say "how you doing?"
They dont care, and dont really want to know.
I have no one to talk to, and no one to share those misserable feelings with.
Galen and Debbie are always too busy, I know, one is supposed to go to church, read the bible, to find the answers, but, when i go sunday after sunday and dont have answers....
i guess maybe im too impatient, and go off on my own search, altho, Galen gave us councel in the emu's, my divorce, and my move to wichita.....
so...was i totally wrong?
just because id ont go to your church? is your church the only church?
There is a reason why I was sent off on my mission
and, there is a reason why i have been brought back to newton, i just have to figure out how to live here and not go totally nuts!!!!!
I CANT LIVE HERE.....emotionally, and spiritually, but, i have also promised I wont go until I hear where I am to go...from God, and no one else.....
I will promise that to you...
which means, i maybe here the rest of my life or, Lord willing, he will alow me to leave, and live to enjoy it.....
but, you have to be there for me, i cant go it alone anylonger....
Love Mom
Im so sorry I have caused you to be so upset with me.
Im also I havent been the mom you wanted or needed.
I have only been able to be me, the way i know to be.
I have tried to be what everyone wants me to be all of my life
and, when i cant do it, i have run, i have had to get away to become ME!
I loved being in Wichita, but, I missed you, it seemed we didnt get together much, I wasnt what you wanted me to be, by going to church, and so we couldnt just do mother and daughter things.
I appologize we missed that time together.
I couldnt be the wife your dad wanted, to sit in the hot sun weekend after weekend, and drink the day away, and jump into bed with him every chance he wanted.(sorry dont mean to give more info than you want), and then not be talked to and loved emotionally....i had to get away....
I couldnt be the daughter Grandma and Granpa wanted, so I had to get away, by getting married, back then, girls didnt move out and live alone, that is why I gave you your chance to live out on your own, i knew you needed that time away....
Im sorry you were so lonely in Wichita when you moved there alone, I had never lived alone at that time, so, I didnt reallize how lonely it can get, but, I learned after leaving Mark.....living in newton, with only him, and Grandpa after Grandma died....
I couldnt be wife, or daughter, i had to run away.....to wichita....where i wasnt a mom.....
but, i was learning alittle about me....
i couldnt be the employee the travel agent wanted, and, i was too defeated to find a decent travel agency job, so walked away from what i wanted to do, but felt not ready for it....
no self confidence....
I loved my job with the body shop, and when he layed me off, i was so depressed, but, kept trying to make do....
Today you made me feel like all my life changes have been my fault, and i have taken the blame for years, for feeling guilty of not being able to "relate" to people, but, its not that, i havent ever felt accepted to be who i am....
no one ever asks, nor ever really means it when they say "how you doing?"
They dont care, and dont really want to know.
I have no one to talk to, and no one to share those misserable feelings with.
Galen and Debbie are always too busy, I know, one is supposed to go to church, read the bible, to find the answers, but, when i go sunday after sunday and dont have answers....
i guess maybe im too impatient, and go off on my own search, altho, Galen gave us councel in the emu's, my divorce, and my move to wichita.....
so...was i totally wrong?
just because id ont go to your church? is your church the only church?
There is a reason why I was sent off on my mission
and, there is a reason why i have been brought back to newton, i just have to figure out how to live here and not go totally nuts!!!!!
I CANT LIVE HERE.....emotionally, and spiritually, but, i have also promised I wont go until I hear where I am to go...from God, and no one else.....
I will promise that to you...
which means, i maybe here the rest of my life or, Lord willing, he will alow me to leave, and live to enjoy it.....
but, you have to be there for me, i cant go it alone anylonger....
Love Mom
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