where i live

I have lived here since 1965, I have very few real friends, ones that can identify with my life, who can know the pain I live in everyday. Some, can try to talk to me, but when they hear of my pain, they are gone, never call me or reciprocate the invitations.

Alcohol seems to be a binder that brings women together, something in comon.
Those who need one another.

Children are a bond, that parents should have with their children.
As much as I love my daughter now,
I dont think we bonded, when my daughter was born, I wanted a son, I was so dissapointed when they told me the baby was a girl. I didnt nurse her, I watched her grow in my arms, but, not sure we bonded. I went forward when she was 6 weeks old, and cried out to God to give me the love and ability to raise her to be the wonderful young woman she is now, she is such a blessing. So adult, and so Christian, so, ............
I loved her, but, didnt know how to deal with the dissapointment.

When I was really small, I had good things happen to me, I was "special" I was given prizes at the Whitewater festival, and, I never knew why, all tho, I felt loved, and special.

Something happened, something during my 10 or 11 year and from there on out, my life changed. I was no longer special, but, cursed, given no choices always taken first thing that took on in my road, thinking, it was a gift given to me, and not checked out.

We were given the choice of the trailer house, kitchen....i didnt want to have to work that hard, and, have no guarentees of finding a living in that life style.
Every choice I have walked into was a choice of peace, a feeling that it was right, it had come up to me and I freely took it.
I freely accepted the responsibility of the work required, the little knowledge given on how to run my business, and very little advice from "friends, co workers, or even professionals, paid big bucks for "advice" no one could give me direction, no one would listen long enough to talk to me, or help me walk thro the direction I was being taken.

We were blessed, given a huge sum of money, and, it was taken away.....so fast.....

I take the turn, and, life changes, nothing goes as I had "expected" or, how, in my mind it made so much sense, and should have worked.
Like buying the Emu's, when we finally got set up, had all the dollars invested, the people who were supposed to be there to help us market, by teaching us, like the big guy south west of town, he got everyone excited about emu's about the wonderful things emu's brought into the owners lives, the pro's and con's, mostly telling the pro's, leaving out the con's.
We were taken for a ride, which left us broke, family distroyed, and divorced.
That was the begging of my end, or, was it the begging of the beginning :)


Leaving for Wichita took me on another adventure, I got a school loan, went to school to become a travel agent, the school was a sham, I didnt learn anything, and, I was not prepared for the job.
My first job was a small travel agency, and, the woman who hired me was a nice down to earth woman, who, I think I could have learned alot from. But, she was let go, and, another manager was brought in who was a small, young, executive agent, who demanded experience, and professionalism which I hadnt learned yet.
I lasted 6 months. In between, while trying to do the job, my divorce went thru, I had ended my 13 1/2 year marrage and, received my freedom. I was a woman who could do anything, I had a career, I had a nice appartment, and I was free to do those things, to live the life I had always dreamed of....
Find a wonderful man, become a wonderful wife, and, have a wonderful home.
What I found, was finding that man isnt easy, in fact it is very diffciult, but, can be alot of fun, challenging, and, rewarding, and hell!!!!
I found myself, heart broken, by one of these "wonderful men" who walked into my life unannounced, mysterically, and, I became another one of his victims, someone who probably was not experienced for his divineer way of swooning me, who, gave me self worth the first time he looked at my eyes, and, the whole evening, something I had NEVER FELT IN MY LIFE....

HE hooked me into his web into his eyes, the first 15 minutes we were together, before the night was over, I was his prey.....
and he became my PRAY!

I lost every piece of my self, I was gone, I was invisible, I didnt exist anylonger, he was gone....