alot to say

I have so much to say, and no one to say it to. I never feel welcome when i go visit anyone, they never offer me to sit down, stay awhile.

I know people who never come to my house probably feel overwhelmed with my excitement of having company....im so used to watching tv, i can barely talk to them, i just sit and watch the tube....wishing they would talk to me....

i try to start a conversation but its always about something pretty heavy, or a joke that is way over their head, they dont get it, and we both feel uncomfortable....

I have always had problems making friends, I have been alone all of my life.
I ache for companionship, but, when i have husbands, they cant communicate with me....nor, I with them....

Rob and I get along great, we work together quite well, but, we cant talk....we used to before he started drinking again, but, now, we dont talk at all....mostly fight....
i get so tired of trying to talk to him, and feeling like he doesnt listen to anything i say, and then when he makes a mistake, it drives me NUTS becasue I TOLD HIM HOW I WANTED IT...but he doesnt listen...or take me seriously....

I try to listen to his point of view, but many times, there is no point to get....
and then im pissed because I was realy trying to understand what he was saying, and, there was NO POINT...he wasnt telling me anything that made any sence! or at least to me!!!!!!!

Im so vented up, about to explode, and no one is there.....how do i find my venting point...
i cry out to GOD....and feel there is no one there....
If i go to my "friends" and tell them this, they will only "try" to be better friends out of quilt....I dont want love out of guilt...I had that in my 2nd marrage, he felt sorry for me, and married me, then, i had to live with guilt for 13 1/2 years, him rejecting me, and only accepting me once in a while, out of guilt, or, his own needs...not because he really wanted me....

13 1/2 years, lust....guilt....love....or was it....
was it my needs that drove me to him, an alcoholic who curled up into a ball when faced with having to meet up with his mother..
my heart broke the first time I saw him, knowing, he was in such pain, he drew up into a fetal position, needing comfort, needing love, needing assurance.....
but, he didnt want it from me....
he wanted it from his bottle.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What....did his bottle give him that I couldnt?
His comfort, quietly, with out judgment....
His love, given to his most innerself from his innerself.....
His ability to communicate with himself.....
with his GOD.....
His ability to be shown his crowning glory, his ego, his castle......
his land of milk and honey....

Self Employement is such an addiction...
one lonely road a person takes, even if no one else knows the road, no one else understands the sacrifice, the pain, the needs....
where does one go to find the answers, how does one get time to go to the classes?
How does one get money to take time to go to the classes?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Im bouncing tonight, cant focus on one thing, it like my mind is streaming by and im trying to catch a thought, type it, then there is another....
Oh, how I Wish I could find like minded people, someone to talk to....I have always felt so alone, so unable to communicate my needs to...no one ever has time to listen....
Maybe its just an ego thing, I want some attention....I want to be heard.....
but, why should i be any different than anyone else....do i listen to them?
Do I give my time to share with them?....no...they dont listen....
IF i say anything, no one speaks back, there is no incoming conversation...
I say something and either they dont get it, or, they take it as the ALMIGHTY SAID IT, and they dont want to contradict me....am I THAT BAD to be around?
I dont mean to be....
but, when I see something I dont like, I tell them, it is MY business. and if I want it cleaned, it better be cleaned!
but....THEY WOULDNT DO IT....
three times being told, they were out....tough?
yeah, im sure they think of me as the bitch from hell....
but, I really cared about these kids....
They came from bad childhoods, and didnt really stand a chance if they didnt get their lives changed...and, I was a place to work, if they worked for me, they had to listen to my phylosophy of life (spelled wrong) who gives a shit....no one else is reading these anyway....Spelling never was a good thing for me, it was one of my worst classes....
Im so glad I dont have to go back to gradeschool, altho, I think it would be a blast now....
watching all those little guys learning new things....
helping them see the world thru different eyes...
~~~~~~ child physc.....
is this were im supposed to be?
I NEED A SHRINK!!!!!
GOD AM I GOING CRAZY!!!!!