new days coming along

Sept. 3, one year ago today my daddy died. He was a gentle man, not very smart in todays terms. He only went to the 6th grade, and then, didnt get to finish it. In those days, they had to work, no matter how old. When time came to work in the fields, it didnt matter how much school work was assigned. He had to quit to work. He and my mom didnt have any kids of their own, she wasnt able to get pregnant. They adopted me at 13 days old.
Back in 1952, they had to own a home, and, have 1000.00 in the bank before they could even talk to anyone about adopting. Working in a refinery for most probably a very low wage, he was able to put enough money together to not only talk to the adoption people, but, to adopt me!
They took me out of a very broken family, a mother who already had 3 children, a husband who left for the army, and only came home on leave long enough to get her pregnant again, then leave. She became pregnant with me, but I dont know if he was my sperm donor or not. Some biological uncles and aunts, have told me she was pregnant with another man. Everyone is dead now who can tell me the truth. Over the years, I have found my siblings, 3-me-3 more, then, there was the 2 before the first three, by his first wife. Who he was married to when he married our mother.

Back to my daddy, even tho he never had a high paying job, the most he ever made an hour was 6.25, he worked some times, 10 hours a day, 7 days a week. I never heard him complain about having to go to work, or being tired!
There was always plenty of food on the table, enough money to remodel our modest home. My mothers kitchen was the envey of all the neighbor ladies!
I am told by cousins, I was the envy of them all, I always had the newest, bestest toys.
But, I never knew my daddy. He never talked to me, and never played with me. I never had a one on one talk, never had him ask where i was going or who i was going with. My mother always had to know, and always had to make sure I wasnt getting into trouble, not that my dad didnt care, I just think he didnt know how to show it. I know he loved me and my mother, but, I never felt it emotionally.

One year ago today he died, he was a broken lonely man, so lonely, I feel he died of lonliness!
After my mother died, 10 years ago, it was as if he died. All of their friends kind of forgot he was around, quit going to see him, quit going out to dinner and inviting him.
I had just gotten sepreated from my 2nd husband, who was an alcoholic. My mother had just died, and I had just moved to a new town, only 30 miles away, but, daddy didnt drive to the city anylonger, so, I was not close enough to him to come see me. I didnt know how terribly lonely he was, even tho I could hear it in his voice, I could hear the strain in his voice as he talked, as he told me how he didnt have anyone to have dinner with how he didnt have company. How he would go over to his friends homes, and feel unwelcome. HE was so lonely, and I was so far away. Emotionally, and miles. I was so selfish, I wanted my OWN life, I wanted to not have anyone to deal with, I wanted to live a life I had nevr had a chance to live while I lived in my home town. For the first time in my life I was dating, I was going out having a good time, and, I didnt have to worry about what my mommy said, or how she would dissaprove of who I was going out with. Even tho she never ever told me she dissaproved of the men in my life, in fact she seemed to like my first two husbands very much. She never told me so, she never offered her opinions, maybe because as a child, I had grown to hate her for NOT giving me her opinion?
Funny how, I felt so overly protected, I protested, then she just quit telling me how she felt about the things I did, but, by that time I was so ingrained with feelings that she dissaproved of me that I couldnt get past the rejections.
BUT THE LOVED ME....I know they did, why didnt I feel it?
Why didnt I know it? Why didnt I accept it?
Why did I feel so rejected even in their home?


Rejections, I have carried them all of my life,, from birth, childhood, teen years, adult hood.
Today, is my ultimate rejection to date.
I had to close my business, after I had moved away from my ex, my dad, and my home town....I gained enough balls to open a restraunt. In my home town I had tried to be self employeed most of my married life. I had a craft store, just as it was starting to turn a profit, a local church group bout out my building and moved me out.
I didnt see it as a blessing at the time, but, one week after I had to close, my first husbands family was killed in a car accident. We lost 4 valuable people in our life, in an instant!
If ever there was pain in life, it is loosing one person to death, but, 4 people in one accident, is unbearable! Life changed for all of us in that one instant. married, 1969-1982.6
Marriage ended 3 years after the accident, we werent strong enough to deal with all of the pain.
Lonliness was a big factor, life had changed, and we didnt know how to cope....




I tried several multilevel types of things, the pink makeup, lots of others after that, but, I just couldnt find enough people to make me rich!!!
Even tho I talked to lots of people, trying to get them to join up, they would in turn, join up undersomeone else! After a while, the rejections just got too much.
I soon started cleaning houses, and throwing local newspaper motor routes.
I tried my hand at customer service rep for the local newspaper, and cable company, but, both jobs came down to too much stress, and I quit before being there two years each.
Today I closed my restraunt, which I moved to my home town, to be closer to my dad. I signed a 3 year lease to a mall, and, felt it was such a good location. I had moved back from a small town 90 miles from my dad. They accepted me, they made me feel loved and accepted. BUT, I couldnt make a living there, I was racking up debt daily, to the tune of 60,000.00! All on credit cards!

My second husband had lived all but his first 6 years with out his biological dad.
I helped him find his dad, after 30 years of thinking he was dead....as his mother had told him when he was a child. He grew up in the shadow of his fathers drinking days, became an alcoholic, and dissaproved of by his mother because he reminded her of his father.
We found his dad, and after 6 years of good relationship, cutting back on drinking, becoming a more loveable man, his dad died, leaving him with almost 500,000.00 which....we went thru in less than 4 years, not lving high on the hog, but, by bad business ventures, in a home town where we just didnt fit in. Once again, his drinking took over, my mother died, and I left.
Not being strong enough to cope with the changes, the life I couldnt deal with, the stresses of life, I ran away once again....

Today, once again, my life is changed in an instant,
I have gone thru almost all of the money my dad left me, he was never paid more than 6.25 an hour, but he had an estate of almost 100,000.00! To which I now have only about 28,000.00 left! in ONE YEAR!
My restraunt never took off here in my home town, where I moved back to, to take care of my dad, he died after my first year here, leaving me with two years left in my lease, I had boughten a house, and trying to make it in business.
Today, my life changed, once again... I had to close, I just cant afford to keep it open anylonger.
We had the BEST FOOD in town, but, the location was 3 miles off of main street and people didnt like to drive out there.
WE quit paying rent in December, I payed up 1/2 of the rent after I sold my daddies house, but, today, they evicted us.

Today my life changed again.