I had a bag of beads,
to make a necklace you see.
big ones, little ones, clear ones and cloudy ones.
string, clasp and pliers all ready to start
I laid them all out, such pretty colors, such odd shapes
all as a puzzle waiting to be put together.
As I looked at them, nothing did i see
a long one here, a short one there
clear one, and black one, only pieces that didnt fit
nothing went together, nothing fashionably perfect
oh the dispare I felt
as the pieces of my life, nothing fits
nothing makes sense
nothing looked right
as the tears fell on my cheek
I asked, why, why is nothing fitting together
Some are given diamonds, some are given sticks and stones
why is life so difficult?
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Saturday, May 28, 2005
Gone Fishing
As we walked along the "river" walk..i say "river" because it is nothing more than a creek 3 ft deep, but, they built a nice walk along it for people to enjoy.
No one will look you in the eye when they walk by, and they act like they dont want to say hi, but, I FORCE them by looking at them, and saying hi first....
Im so sick of this town and the hypocritical mind set...
As we walked, I saw a big 5 or 6 pound carp up along the shore line.
Closer to the bridge was a hispanic man and his children fishing. He looked at me and I asked him if he was catching anything. He smiled, and said, no just little ones.
I told him about the big carp we had just seen, so, as we walked on over the bridge, he gathered up his children, and they moved to where the carp was. I prayed he would catch the big one, give him something to have fun with the kids, and I needed the miracle, to see God at work..... He caught a fish, I was so excited, thanking God for that miracle, so, we walked back over to the man, I asked if he caught the big one, he said "no, just this little one" It was only about 6 inches long. I guess, my prayers dont make a difference....
No one will look you in the eye when they walk by, and they act like they dont want to say hi, but, I FORCE them by looking at them, and saying hi first....
Im so sick of this town and the hypocritical mind set...
As we walked, I saw a big 5 or 6 pound carp up along the shore line.
Closer to the bridge was a hispanic man and his children fishing. He looked at me and I asked him if he was catching anything. He smiled, and said, no just little ones.
I told him about the big carp we had just seen, so, as we walked on over the bridge, he gathered up his children, and they moved to where the carp was. I prayed he would catch the big one, give him something to have fun with the kids, and I needed the miracle, to see God at work..... He caught a fish, I was so excited, thanking God for that miracle, so, we walked back over to the man, I asked if he caught the big one, he said "no, just this little one" It was only about 6 inches long. I guess, my prayers dont make a difference....
going past home....
I went for a walk tonight, past my dads house
The house he and my mom used to live.
The house where I moved from at 17
It never seemed like my home, it was never a place
where I felt truly loved, and nurtured.
Why?
They gave me material things, they took me to church.
They loved me as a baby, I never felt as tho I was more than an adornment to their life.
Someone who was supposed to make them happy.
Someone who was supposed to bring them joy.
Someone who was supposed to bring them fulfillment.
Instead, I was suffagating bringing death to my spirit, I ran off and got married at 17.
I had wanted to be a social worker, I went and talked to my highschool counceler.
None of my family had ever gone to college
so, I didnt have a clue how to go about it.
The counceler told me "you will have to move to a big city like New York, or Chicago"
Me, being 17, had never thought about even leaving HomeTown, let alone moving to a huge city!
so, I left his office, heart broken, and spirit empty.
I did the next best thing, I pushed to get married.
That would solve all my problems, wouldnt it?
Ah to be in love with love!
After all, if I were to get married,
I would be out of the home I hated so much!
Why did I hate it so much?
Why didnt I see it as a blessing, as a home of love, and a home of growth?
I must face these demons before I can go any further.
How, do I do this?
Show me the truth oh lord....show me the truth....
If I have lived with hate, and false memories of no growth, no encouragement, nothing to live off of, please forgive me Lord. Please forgive me for
falling short of the realm of thankfullness.
Please forgive me for not allowing the blessings to be recieved.
In my heart, I know, I loved my parents, but was so angry at them for over protecting me.
So angry for not allowing me any space to explore life. They finally allowed me out, when I was married, and, wanted to go on a bus trip to see Becky Waddell who had moved to Alabama when we were in our sophomore year.
Sump, Metzler, and I loaded up, took the buss down south, and, came back alive and well.
Since then I have been traveling and, always end up back here, why cant I break free?
Within 30+ years, Im still 5 houses from where I grew up, and, in worse shape emotionally, physically, and spiritually than I have ever been in.
I feel so lost, and incomplete.
my Faith is wavering to and fro, my believe system is close to nill, I just cant seem to make sense in my life.
and NO ONE GIVES A FUCK!!!!!!
The house he and my mom used to live.
The house where I moved from at 17
It never seemed like my home, it was never a place
where I felt truly loved, and nurtured.
Why?
They gave me material things, they took me to church.
They loved me as a baby, I never felt as tho I was more than an adornment to their life.
Someone who was supposed to make them happy.
Someone who was supposed to bring them joy.
Someone who was supposed to bring them fulfillment.
Instead, I was suffagating bringing death to my spirit, I ran off and got married at 17.
I had wanted to be a social worker, I went and talked to my highschool counceler.
None of my family had ever gone to college
so, I didnt have a clue how to go about it.
The counceler told me "you will have to move to a big city like New York, or Chicago"
Me, being 17, had never thought about even leaving HomeTown, let alone moving to a huge city!
so, I left his office, heart broken, and spirit empty.
I did the next best thing, I pushed to get married.
That would solve all my problems, wouldnt it?
Ah to be in love with love!
After all, if I were to get married,
I would be out of the home I hated so much!
Why did I hate it so much?
Why didnt I see it as a blessing, as a home of love, and a home of growth?
I must face these demons before I can go any further.
How, do I do this?
Show me the truth oh lord....show me the truth....
If I have lived with hate, and false memories of no growth, no encouragement, nothing to live off of, please forgive me Lord. Please forgive me for
falling short of the realm of thankfullness.
Please forgive me for not allowing the blessings to be recieved.
In my heart, I know, I loved my parents, but was so angry at them for over protecting me.
So angry for not allowing me any space to explore life. They finally allowed me out, when I was married, and, wanted to go on a bus trip to see Becky Waddell who had moved to Alabama when we were in our sophomore year.
Sump, Metzler, and I loaded up, took the buss down south, and, came back alive and well.
Since then I have been traveling and, always end up back here, why cant I break free?
Within 30+ years, Im still 5 houses from where I grew up, and, in worse shape emotionally, physically, and spiritually than I have ever been in.
I feel so lost, and incomplete.
my Faith is wavering to and fro, my believe system is close to nill, I just cant seem to make sense in my life.
and NO ONE GIVES A FUCK!!!!!!
adrift with out any wind
For the first time in 10 years I have no stress, other than, not enough hours on my job, no extra money coming in, other than the money brought in by taking in a renter with mental problems.
I dont like living in my house, I dont like living in my home town, and, my housemates are boring....
I know it could be much worse, and, I know, I could be doing something, but, I dont know what.
I feel as tho Im stuck in the middle of kansas (ocean) with out a sail on my boat, and no wind....
Every time in my life I have complained of being bored all hell breaks out, so, I dont want to do that, but, I am frustrated not knowing how to get off of dead center.
People say, being a Christian is so exciting because they never know what God has planned and they love seeing the miracles around them. So, why cant I get excited about the miracles, the never knowing which cliff im going to be pushed over, and which way Im going to go.
I have no privacy, and, no life. So, how can I get excited?
I wish someone would hear me!!!!!
Im dying in the middle of no where, but, no one cares.....
I dont like living in my house, I dont like living in my home town, and, my housemates are boring....
I know it could be much worse, and, I know, I could be doing something, but, I dont know what.
I feel as tho Im stuck in the middle of kansas (ocean) with out a sail on my boat, and no wind....
Every time in my life I have complained of being bored all hell breaks out, so, I dont want to do that, but, I am frustrated not knowing how to get off of dead center.
People say, being a Christian is so exciting because they never know what God has planned and they love seeing the miracles around them. So, why cant I get excited about the miracles, the never knowing which cliff im going to be pushed over, and which way Im going to go.
I have no privacy, and, no life. So, how can I get excited?
I wish someone would hear me!!!!!
Im dying in the middle of no where, but, no one cares.....
Friday, May 27, 2005
Divine Intervention
Is there such a thing?
I believe I was taken out of a really bad situation, given all good situations, but, yet, my life at 52 is hell.
Why, what did i do wrong? Not, why me, it might as well be me, hopefully my kids wont have to go thru it like i have.
Being alone thru it has been the worst part of it.
Not knowing God is there, not feeling his presence, or, hearing his voice, or seeing his face......
being totally alone is the hell of it....
and, that is what Jesus says is hell.....nothingness, alone, dark, never ending....
so, my first half of my life has been hell, so i can recognize heaven when i get there....
ok....
i just hope i live long enough to figure it all out....
the bleeding is worse this month, it was stopped for two months....
but, its back, now that im back to working.
I guess its not for me to ever have an "easy" job...
Im too stupid to figure out how to make a living online, or, in something other than food service...
and that is one of the most difficult livings to make.
The only ones who make any money are the people who own the big chains, or, the employees at the top....the pea ons surely dont make that much that is forsure, and the little guy(gal) owners like me.....
Life sux then you die, its just faster for some and crazier for others...but, we all die....
I believe I was taken out of a really bad situation, given all good situations, but, yet, my life at 52 is hell.
Why, what did i do wrong? Not, why me, it might as well be me, hopefully my kids wont have to go thru it like i have.
Being alone thru it has been the worst part of it.
Not knowing God is there, not feeling his presence, or, hearing his voice, or seeing his face......
being totally alone is the hell of it....
and, that is what Jesus says is hell.....nothingness, alone, dark, never ending....
so, my first half of my life has been hell, so i can recognize heaven when i get there....
ok....
i just hope i live long enough to figure it all out....
the bleeding is worse this month, it was stopped for two months....
but, its back, now that im back to working.
I guess its not for me to ever have an "easy" job...
Im too stupid to figure out how to make a living online, or, in something other than food service...
and that is one of the most difficult livings to make.
The only ones who make any money are the people who own the big chains, or, the employees at the top....the pea ons surely dont make that much that is forsure, and the little guy(gal) owners like me.....
Life sux then you die, its just faster for some and crazier for others...but, we all die....
who to rely on....
Im so fucking depressed, and i try to talk to people about it, just hoping someone will say they will pray for me, do i HAVE TO ASK FOR PRAYER ALL THE TIME?
Why does life never get any better?
What am I doing wrong?
I have gone full circle in life, living back with in 5 houses of where i grew up and where my life seemed to turn to hell.....
being dependent on parents, then husbands, now, no one, no credit card, no credit, nothing to fall back on, no friends who really care,
im alone, no one, but a drunk who cant keep a job.....
and, what do i do?
tell me! no one else will.....
Why does life never get any better?
What am I doing wrong?
I have gone full circle in life, living back with in 5 houses of where i grew up and where my life seemed to turn to hell.....
being dependent on parents, then husbands, now, no one, no credit card, no credit, nothing to fall back on, no friends who really care,
im alone, no one, but a drunk who cant keep a job.....
and, what do i do?
tell me! no one else will.....
roots not watered
dont do what I did!
Its not worth it, i lost everything, my dads inheritence, trying to pay credit debt, and after not having a job for so long, i ran out of money totally, and, couldnt pay my credit card monthly bills anylonger.
The lawyer told me to not pay them, not file for bank ruptsy, just let it lay, other wise, i would have lost the building to the bank and, lost what equity it has which isnt much.
but, it would help me get started again if i can get it sold.
If you guys decide not to buy it, maybe i can work out a deal with what you have put into it and come back and try it again, but, no promises, its just something i have been toying with.
We both miss it, it was our baby, our passion....neither one of us are happy here in HomeTown, and if im going to work this damned hard, I am going to do it for myself!
but, I have no credit cards to use, and no credit to start from, so, my building is all I have right now.....
it just depends how much support we would get at the fair bbq thing....
which, I think will be the ultimate test, if she advertises, that we will be there, we will only see if people show up...for us, and, maybe a big bit for her, which is the goal, she has so much to offer, if her ego would just quit trying to tell people how pissed she is....
I'm pissed too but, trying to not keep bitching about it....nothing can be done, and no one is going to change, and my money will never grow back..the trees are all gone....
now its up to me, my only root left, and its a shallow one....
but hopefully it will go deep enough to water the supply for a new start.....
Its not worth it, i lost everything, my dads inheritence, trying to pay credit debt, and after not having a job for so long, i ran out of money totally, and, couldnt pay my credit card monthly bills anylonger.
The lawyer told me to not pay them, not file for bank ruptsy, just let it lay, other wise, i would have lost the building to the bank and, lost what equity it has which isnt much.
but, it would help me get started again if i can get it sold.
If you guys decide not to buy it, maybe i can work out a deal with what you have put into it and come back and try it again, but, no promises, its just something i have been toying with.
We both miss it, it was our baby, our passion....neither one of us are happy here in HomeTown, and if im going to work this damned hard, I am going to do it for myself!
but, I have no credit cards to use, and no credit to start from, so, my building is all I have right now.....
it just depends how much support we would get at the fair bbq thing....
which, I think will be the ultimate test, if she advertises, that we will be there, we will only see if people show up...for us, and, maybe a big bit for her, which is the goal, she has so much to offer, if her ego would just quit trying to tell people how pissed she is....
I'm pissed too but, trying to not keep bitching about it....nothing can be done, and no one is going to change, and my money will never grow back..the trees are all gone....
now its up to me, my only root left, and its a shallow one....
but hopefully it will go deep enough to water the supply for a new start.....
Small Town, perfect setting for getting lost....
because i feel you are my friend, i know you and she have had a huge fight, i dont know your side of it, but of course i know her's....who doesnt! right?
with out all of the buildings which have been bought up by her what does the town have?
The town is still in "basically as was" condition yes they need fixin, but, to keep the town like it was back then, is a real challenge most towns dont have the chance to do most towns tore down their histories back in the 60;s when they were trying to push into the future, people were not ready for that, so they got stuck in futuristic buildings but, historical thinking....
trying to figure out
now, they want the historical buildings back, for tourism, because that is one of the only things that keeps a town alive anymore is the tourism dollars. Manufacturing isnt paying the bills for the people anymore.
Small Town has a perfect setting for "getting away from it all"
I mean look how the guy lived there for 20+ years with out being detected by police! (local yocals) but, hey, he wasnt breaking any laws or, did they just not know about the people who come to town? No one asks questions? no one cared enough to know his past, or he was REALLY GOOD AT HIDING IT.....or perhaps, he had really good friends who just didnt give out his secrets....none the less....I have never felt so loved by anyone as I did while I was down there.....Rob too......I would move back in a heart beat if I could figure o ut how to make a living, but, obviously i wasnt very good at it i lost my ass down there, and lost the rest of my soul after moving back here.
oh damn, i didnt mean to write a novel....just so fucked up right now.....
life just doesnt get any better....
How are things with you?
I hope the place is making head ways?
I have lost all my credit trying to hang on to the building, i will never have credit again to start over....
If i would have filed for bank ruptsy, they would have taken the building...
and I didnt want to make you go thru all of that stuff.....
but, i wonder if we could have worked out a deal making it work for both of us?
with out all of the buildings which have been bought up by her what does the town have?
The town is still in "basically as was" condition yes they need fixin, but, to keep the town like it was back then, is a real challenge most towns dont have the chance to do most towns tore down their histories back in the 60;s when they were trying to push into the future, people were not ready for that, so they got stuck in futuristic buildings but, historical thinking....
trying to figure out
now, they want the historical buildings back, for tourism, because that is one of the only things that keeps a town alive anymore is the tourism dollars. Manufacturing isnt paying the bills for the people anymore.
Small Town has a perfect setting for "getting away from it all"
I mean look how the guy lived there for 20+ years with out being detected by police! (local yocals) but, hey, he wasnt breaking any laws or, did they just not know about the people who come to town? No one asks questions? no one cared enough to know his past, or he was REALLY GOOD AT HIDING IT.....or perhaps, he had really good friends who just didnt give out his secrets....none the less....I have never felt so loved by anyone as I did while I was down there.....Rob too......I would move back in a heart beat if I could figure o ut how to make a living, but, obviously i wasnt very good at it i lost my ass down there, and lost the rest of my soul after moving back here.
oh damn, i didnt mean to write a novel....just so fucked up right now.....
life just doesnt get any better....
How are things with you?
I hope the place is making head ways?
I have lost all my credit trying to hang on to the building, i will never have credit again to start over....
If i would have filed for bank ruptsy, they would have taken the building...
and I didnt want to make you go thru all of that stuff.....
but, i wonder if we could have worked out a deal making it work for both of us?
Friday, May 20, 2005
just never know....
so, what is really given to a blessing?
Are we not all God's children?
but, the Bible says, God chooses his children
I have always tried to be a true believer, but, somewhere along the line, the message seems to get garbled in
seeing and believing, and, walking the talk....
im so sick of people trying to "tell me how to fix my life" but, not walking the talk with me....
oh well, such is life,
maybe someday my life will make sense, I can only hope and pray my "faith" holds on.
Are we not all God's children?
but, the Bible says, God chooses his children
I have always tried to be a true believer, but, somewhere along the line, the message seems to get garbled in
seeing and believing, and, walking the talk....
im so sick of people trying to "tell me how to fix my life" but, not walking the talk with me....
oh well, such is life,
maybe someday my life will make sense, I can only hope and pray my "faith" holds on.
who knows the answeres to the secrets
Maybe im wrong, and I know pride has to step down for help to show up, but, when a person is definitely hurting, why should they have to ask for prayer.......shouldn't spiritual friends know, and see, and feel your pain?
shouldnt people who supposedly care about you, ask, and really mean, "how are you doing?"
Im not doing good at all but does anyone give a FUCK!
they tell me to take it to God, and, where is he?
in the bible?
I have been screwed in this town so many times, and, it has left me totally self worthlessness, totally questioning my "faith" as i like to say to the other cyn, I have been fucked and didnt even get to enjoy it!
a town full of "church goers" and have left me so totally wiped out!
it also says the word will be given to those who the holy spirit chooses.... I was always told I was chosen, I have always felt I was chosen, I have always followed the god of my childhood, the one who has guided me thru everything, but, my vision has gotten so clouded over with what i have "learned in church" after my childhood.....
I have to find my way back to the childhood God, the one who showed me love, acceptence and the ability to love back
so where is thy comfort....?
going to hell is alone?
well, im in hell, i have been alone for all of these years!
If i ever make a contact, and, anyone ever reaches out to me, I would probably fall over dead!
like my dad did....
he was so lonely, and when my aunt finally came over to visit with him, he died!
I talked to you the other night and gave you a difficult time, and im sure you were frustrated with me.
but, dont be feeling like your alone, that is how i have lost a lot of friends, by opening up, and becoming real, and showing my total craziness....
shouldnt people who supposedly care about you, ask, and really mean, "how are you doing?"
Im not doing good at all but does anyone give a FUCK!
they tell me to take it to God, and, where is he?
in the bible?
I have been screwed in this town so many times, and, it has left me totally self worthlessness, totally questioning my "faith" as i like to say to the other cyn, I have been fucked and didnt even get to enjoy it!
a town full of "church goers" and have left me so totally wiped out!
it also says the word will be given to those who the holy spirit chooses.... I was always told I was chosen, I have always felt I was chosen, I have always followed the god of my childhood, the one who has guided me thru everything, but, my vision has gotten so clouded over with what i have "learned in church" after my childhood.....
I have to find my way back to the childhood God, the one who showed me love, acceptence and the ability to love back
so where is thy comfort....?
going to hell is alone?
well, im in hell, i have been alone for all of these years!
If i ever make a contact, and, anyone ever reaches out to me, I would probably fall over dead!
like my dad did....
he was so lonely, and when my aunt finally came over to visit with him, he died!
I talked to you the other night and gave you a difficult time, and im sure you were frustrated with me.
but, dont be feeling like your alone, that is how i have lost a lot of friends, by opening up, and becoming real, and showing my total craziness....
Sunday, May 15, 2005
more noon blue apples.....
not only did my inlaws die, they were a great family, gave me "family". Growing up as an only child, I never enjoyed having big family dinners, except going to my grandparents, with all of my cousins. After my mom died 10 years ago, they quit inviting me, and, my dad. It was like we died too.
Back to my inlaws, the anniversary of their deaths, and no one to share the grief with today.
My husband at that time, and I had problems from day one of marrage, but, I was determined to make it work.
Getting married at 17, people said we wouldnt make it, but, thought we were the perfect couple, until after the wreck. By 4 years later, his uncle and wife were divorced, his brother and his wife were divorced, and we ended up in divorce. We just couldnt grieve together, or, communicate after that. I found myself going out, partying, and trying to fill my voids with all the wrong things.
Oh, I had been a working member of the church all thru the first years of our marrage, but, after the wreck, the church didnt call on us, didnt check to see if we were ok, and, left us drop out of site.
It was 7 years before I was able to step into a church again. By that time I was divorced, and remarried.
I remarried someone whom I thought needed and wanted me. Only to find out 13 1/2 years later he only married me because he felt sorry for me, what a blow to the ego.
I have never wanted people to feel sorry for me, just understand me, just give me a chance to heal, and become a person again.
Everytime I feel as tho I am starting to go forward, another death comes along, and takes it out of me.
I should be used to death by now, but, Im not, I cant find my God, and dont know which way Im going.
Im just lonely, alone, and in need of someone who understands me.
All whom I have ever had as "best friends" never stick with me long, either move away, or, go away.
I dont want friendships which are one way, but, it always seems to end up being all about them.
Which is ok, but, I would like to have a little bit of time to talk about my feelings too.
Over the years I have found two such friends, but, I never quite know where I stand with them, and try to find my boundaries and not over step them.
Church should be a place to be cared about and given the chance to grieve, and grow, spiritually.
They never see me as worthy to get past the foundational stage of "spirituality"
and NEVER check on me to see how im doing.
I dont even like to ask for prayer, because I feel they should offer it, instead of needing to ask for it.
Maybe im wrong, and I know pride has to step down for help to show up, but, when a person is definitly hurting, why should they have to ask for prayer.......shouldnt spiritual friends know, and see, and feel your pain?
It has never been that way for me, maybe that is testing God, but, I think in a "spiritual church" they should be able to decern the pain, hurt, and loneliness.
I just feel things are not what I have been taught in the Bible how Jesus knew their problems.
If we are to be like Jesus, we should be able to hear, see, and know....
The truth shall set you free.....but, what is truth?
I want to know what "Noon Blue Apples" are
I want to know what is past the curtain
I want to know where life began
I want to know what is the secret to life
I want to know why people have to live in hell before knowing what heaven is all about.....
If Jesus desended down into hell and then rose again,
was it to gain knowledge he would use in his new life?
Oh so many questions, no answers.....
Back to my inlaws, the anniversary of their deaths, and no one to share the grief with today.
My husband at that time, and I had problems from day one of marrage, but, I was determined to make it work.
Getting married at 17, people said we wouldnt make it, but, thought we were the perfect couple, until after the wreck. By 4 years later, his uncle and wife were divorced, his brother and his wife were divorced, and we ended up in divorce. We just couldnt grieve together, or, communicate after that. I found myself going out, partying, and trying to fill my voids with all the wrong things.
Oh, I had been a working member of the church all thru the first years of our marrage, but, after the wreck, the church didnt call on us, didnt check to see if we were ok, and, left us drop out of site.
It was 7 years before I was able to step into a church again. By that time I was divorced, and remarried.
I remarried someone whom I thought needed and wanted me. Only to find out 13 1/2 years later he only married me because he felt sorry for me, what a blow to the ego.
I have never wanted people to feel sorry for me, just understand me, just give me a chance to heal, and become a person again.
Everytime I feel as tho I am starting to go forward, another death comes along, and takes it out of me.
I should be used to death by now, but, Im not, I cant find my God, and dont know which way Im going.
Im just lonely, alone, and in need of someone who understands me.
All whom I have ever had as "best friends" never stick with me long, either move away, or, go away.
I dont want friendships which are one way, but, it always seems to end up being all about them.
Which is ok, but, I would like to have a little bit of time to talk about my feelings too.
Over the years I have found two such friends, but, I never quite know where I stand with them, and try to find my boundaries and not over step them.
Church should be a place to be cared about and given the chance to grieve, and grow, spiritually.
They never see me as worthy to get past the foundational stage of "spirituality"
and NEVER check on me to see how im doing.
I dont even like to ask for prayer, because I feel they should offer it, instead of needing to ask for it.
Maybe im wrong, and I know pride has to step down for help to show up, but, when a person is definitly hurting, why should they have to ask for prayer.......shouldnt spiritual friends know, and see, and feel your pain?
It has never been that way for me, maybe that is testing God, but, I think in a "spiritual church" they should be able to decern the pain, hurt, and loneliness.
I just feel things are not what I have been taught in the Bible how Jesus knew their problems.
If we are to be like Jesus, we should be able to hear, see, and know....
The truth shall set you free.....but, what is truth?
I want to know what "Noon Blue Apples" are
I want to know what is past the curtain
I want to know where life began
I want to know what is the secret to life
I want to know why people have to live in hell before knowing what heaven is all about.....
If Jesus desended down into hell and then rose again,
was it to gain knowledge he would use in his new life?
Oh so many questions, no answers.....
Shot twice
I cannot imagine the pain my uncle must have been in to shoot himself twice in the head in order to stop the pain perminetly...
How in the world would an 89 year old man pull the trigger on a gun, twice, once thru the mouth, and once thru the forhead?
Supposedly it was investigated, and rulled suicide, but, how!
I need to grieve, but, his son didnt invite me over to be with the family, I have no one else, so, I grieve alone.
That is nothing new to me tho, so, I should be used to it by now.
I grieved the death of 4 loved ones who were killed in a horrid wreck, a semi running their car down like a sitting duck.
I have mentioned their deaths before so wont go into it again, but, none the less, I had no one to grieve with then either.
I finally found a grief support group back in 1978, exactly 33 years from today. Only thing it was a Monday, coming home from a family reunion. Killed, all of them, mom, dad, two sisters, the only thing i can be thankfull for is my children were not in the car.....I could not have survived it if they had been.
We had driven many miles to arkansas trading children in the car, so, it could have been with my children involved, but THANK YOU LORD JESUS, you saved me of that pain.
My marriage, if you want to call it that, was in trouble before the wreck, in fact, from the day one, the night of my wedding, I knew I had made a mistake, but, I was in love with love, in love with the wedding process, in love with the excitement of a change in my life, to get away from my strict parents. In those days, girls my age, 17, didnt have the choice of getting a roommate and trying to live alone, to go to school and become something more than a house wife.
That was all I ever wanted to be, a wife, mother, gardner, I hated cleaning house, but, would have gladly cooked millions of meals. My mother always cleaned, I always tried to cook. I didnt learn how to cook tho.
Mother wasnt a very good cook, so, never asked her to teach me. My mother inlaw was a fabulous cook.
She could cook with a COOK!!!
I learned to eat, and enjoy it, and, now, trying to loose all of those pounds that built up over the last 35 years.
Funny how, I have lost almost everyone I have ever loved, who has ever loved me, other than my children, and, they have too, they have gone on in their lives, we never talk about grieving, they dont seem to need to talk about it, so, I dont want to bother them with it.
My uncle shot himself, their two best friends shot themselves too, as teenagers......
they have moved on, how did they grieve with out me?
why am i having such a difficult time feeling the need to grieve, but, being alone in it.
How in the world would an 89 year old man pull the trigger on a gun, twice, once thru the mouth, and once thru the forhead?
Supposedly it was investigated, and rulled suicide, but, how!
I need to grieve, but, his son didnt invite me over to be with the family, I have no one else, so, I grieve alone.
That is nothing new to me tho, so, I should be used to it by now.
I grieved the death of 4 loved ones who were killed in a horrid wreck, a semi running their car down like a sitting duck.
I have mentioned their deaths before so wont go into it again, but, none the less, I had no one to grieve with then either.
I finally found a grief support group back in 1978, exactly 33 years from today. Only thing it was a Monday, coming home from a family reunion. Killed, all of them, mom, dad, two sisters, the only thing i can be thankfull for is my children were not in the car.....I could not have survived it if they had been.
We had driven many miles to arkansas trading children in the car, so, it could have been with my children involved, but THANK YOU LORD JESUS, you saved me of that pain.
My marriage, if you want to call it that, was in trouble before the wreck, in fact, from the day one, the night of my wedding, I knew I had made a mistake, but, I was in love with love, in love with the wedding process, in love with the excitement of a change in my life, to get away from my strict parents. In those days, girls my age, 17, didnt have the choice of getting a roommate and trying to live alone, to go to school and become something more than a house wife.
That was all I ever wanted to be, a wife, mother, gardner, I hated cleaning house, but, would have gladly cooked millions of meals. My mother always cleaned, I always tried to cook. I didnt learn how to cook tho.
Mother wasnt a very good cook, so, never asked her to teach me. My mother inlaw was a fabulous cook.
She could cook with a COOK!!!
I learned to eat, and enjoy it, and, now, trying to loose all of those pounds that built up over the last 35 years.
Funny how, I have lost almost everyone I have ever loved, who has ever loved me, other than my children, and, they have too, they have gone on in their lives, we never talk about grieving, they dont seem to need to talk about it, so, I dont want to bother them with it.
My uncle shot himself, their two best friends shot themselves too, as teenagers......
they have moved on, how did they grieve with out me?
why am i having such a difficult time feeling the need to grieve, but, being alone in it.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
if they come after me will there be anyone who cares?
Dark Skies
Where would I be with out you baby....
Life has been so difficult, as, Im sure it is to others too.
What is the goal in life?
What is life all about?
Why is it so difficult to "live"?
Financially.....emotionally......physically.....spiritually......in all aspects, I have no answeres......
If they come after me, will there be anyone who cares?
I cant seem to find a happy place in my life, everytime I start to get back up, I get knocked down again.
my realitives are all "happy Christians" whom i am sure things went bad for, but, they never washed their dirty laundry out to dry so to speak.....
they always say things like, keep your faith in the Lord, keep your chin up, dont look back, look forward to the big reunion in the sky.....
I guess as long as so many of my loved ones have died, I can look forward to seeing them all, because I have always been taught to believe in God, Jesus, and the after life....
But, what if there isnt any....what if this is what we get.....
What if this is Hell on earth, and its all a big test.....
what if we have someone watching us daily to see how screwed up our souls really are?
Where would I be with out you baby....
Life has been so difficult, as, Im sure it is to others too.
What is the goal in life?
What is life all about?
Why is it so difficult to "live"?
Financially.....emotionally......physically.....spiritually......in all aspects, I have no answeres......
If they come after me, will there be anyone who cares?
I cant seem to find a happy place in my life, everytime I start to get back up, I get knocked down again.
my realitives are all "happy Christians" whom i am sure things went bad for, but, they never washed their dirty laundry out to dry so to speak.....
they always say things like, keep your faith in the Lord, keep your chin up, dont look back, look forward to the big reunion in the sky.....
I guess as long as so many of my loved ones have died, I can look forward to seeing them all, because I have always been taught to believe in God, Jesus, and the after life....
But, what if there isnt any....what if this is what we get.....
What if this is Hell on earth, and its all a big test.....
what if we have someone watching us daily to see how screwed up our souls really are?
Thursday, May 05, 2005
WHAT DONT YOU UNDERSTAND?
I dont want you to be drunk when I get home!
I dont want you to be an asshole when I get home
and I dont want you here if you cant seem to learn these two things!
I dont ask much, I dont require much, but, I want to be able to come home and not have a fight on my hands!
I want to be able to come home and enjoy what time im home, and not working....not being totally worn out physically, then, have to come home and be totally worn out emotionally too!
I am having enough problems getting my crap together with out having to get your fucking crap together too!
I AM NOT YOUR MOMMY!
I am not your mother
I am not your sister
I am not youer fucking ex wife!
I am not your ex girlfriend
I am not the one who has disc'ed you
I am not your FATHER who abused you
I am just me, I want respect, I want to be loved
and I want to not have to put up with YOU!
I dont want you to be an asshole when I get home
and I dont want you here if you cant seem to learn these two things!
I dont ask much, I dont require much, but, I want to be able to come home and not have a fight on my hands!
I want to be able to come home and enjoy what time im home, and not working....not being totally worn out physically, then, have to come home and be totally worn out emotionally too!
I am having enough problems getting my crap together with out having to get your fucking crap together too!
I AM NOT YOUR MOMMY!
I am not your mother
I am not your sister
I am not youer fucking ex wife!
I am not your ex girlfriend
I am not the one who has disc'ed you
I am not your FATHER who abused you
I am just me, I want respect, I want to be loved
and I want to not have to put up with YOU!
Sunday, May 01, 2005
Dragon Queen
Dragon ass, queen of dead tired!
How can I learn to survive life, with being dead tired all of the time?
Life is to be lived, and enjoyed, and creative, God tells us to go out and creat, he was the creationist of all time, and, he tells us to be like him, but, damn, the lessons and the learning it takes to be like him is so difficult.
Why cant I get a hold on it?
Why has my life been so full, so rich with experience, but it is kicking me in the ass, instead of rejouvenating me?
I have no energy, no lite to keep me going, I feel as tho I am fading fast.
I a meer 52, but, feel so old, look old and frumpy, and feel as tho I might as well climb in my grave.
I feel as tho I have lived off of faith all of my life, I walked up the isle to the preacher at 10, knowing I wanted to be baptised, maybe at the time, I didnt realize what I was being baptised into, but, knowing that I wanted what ever it was that he was offering me that day. I wanted it more than anything in my life, and wanted to be loved like nothing else in my life.
My mom and dad loved me, I know they loved me because they told me so, or, at least my mom did, I think,
I dont remember unless i said it first, come to think of it, I dont remember them telling me that they loved me, in words, but, they showed me all of the time....... they gave me every material thing they possibly could, and they gave me a warm home, clean clothes, and food to eat. They gave me a home, which, my own biological mother couldnt do. I dont know enough of the story, because I have not been told the same story by anyone. I dont know the truthes of my life. With out knowing truths, nothing makes sence......
ITs so HARD to live on FAITH when, lies, and deciets and bent truths have been the only words spoken....
My adoptive family always seemed to love me, but, they have never been there for me, except if I call out to them.....never do they reach out to me....maybe feeling since my life sux so bad, they dont want to bother me?
But, it feels like they should at least call to see if i am doing ok, but, they dont....so I just keep plugging along.
When finding my bio family, they were interested in meeting me, but, interest didnt stay close ties were not built. A quick hello, and goodbye online is about all I can get anymore, and, when we do talk, its like we are all a part of different families.....because we were, none of us were raised by the same people, or branch of family.
I have always felt like an outcast.
We took a drive to the family cemetary, on the outskirts of the little town on the prairie where my great grandmother and grandfather, planted their house and family, and built a church, and became pillars of the town, not rich ones in money, but, rich in family and heritage.
Family and heritage which is something that I have always wanted, but, never recieved.
Was it because I didnt take enough of an interest?
or, was it just something that didnt materialize because I wasnt really a part of the family?
or, wasnt all that interested ? No, that isnt it, because family history was always an intrest to me, i wrote my senior term paper on family tree!
I know, going to family reunions is like torture, because no one ever remembers me.
When I go up to talk to the ones I know, we chat for a few minutes and they are ready to move on to someone else. I am not an interesting person to know, I must be really boring.
How can I learn to survive life, with being dead tired all of the time?
Life is to be lived, and enjoyed, and creative, God tells us to go out and creat, he was the creationist of all time, and, he tells us to be like him, but, damn, the lessons and the learning it takes to be like him is so difficult.
Why cant I get a hold on it?
Why has my life been so full, so rich with experience, but it is kicking me in the ass, instead of rejouvenating me?
I have no energy, no lite to keep me going, I feel as tho I am fading fast.
I a meer 52, but, feel so old, look old and frumpy, and feel as tho I might as well climb in my grave.
I feel as tho I have lived off of faith all of my life, I walked up the isle to the preacher at 10, knowing I wanted to be baptised, maybe at the time, I didnt realize what I was being baptised into, but, knowing that I wanted what ever it was that he was offering me that day. I wanted it more than anything in my life, and wanted to be loved like nothing else in my life.
My mom and dad loved me, I know they loved me because they told me so, or, at least my mom did, I think,
I dont remember unless i said it first, come to think of it, I dont remember them telling me that they loved me, in words, but, they showed me all of the time....... they gave me every material thing they possibly could, and they gave me a warm home, clean clothes, and food to eat. They gave me a home, which, my own biological mother couldnt do. I dont know enough of the story, because I have not been told the same story by anyone. I dont know the truthes of my life. With out knowing truths, nothing makes sence......
ITs so HARD to live on FAITH when, lies, and deciets and bent truths have been the only words spoken....
My adoptive family always seemed to love me, but, they have never been there for me, except if I call out to them.....never do they reach out to me....maybe feeling since my life sux so bad, they dont want to bother me?
But, it feels like they should at least call to see if i am doing ok, but, they dont....so I just keep plugging along.
When finding my bio family, they were interested in meeting me, but, interest didnt stay close ties were not built. A quick hello, and goodbye online is about all I can get anymore, and, when we do talk, its like we are all a part of different families.....because we were, none of us were raised by the same people, or branch of family.
I have always felt like an outcast.
We took a drive to the family cemetary, on the outskirts of the little town on the prairie where my great grandmother and grandfather, planted their house and family, and built a church, and became pillars of the town, not rich ones in money, but, rich in family and heritage.
Family and heritage which is something that I have always wanted, but, never recieved.
Was it because I didnt take enough of an interest?
or, was it just something that didnt materialize because I wasnt really a part of the family?
or, wasnt all that interested ? No, that isnt it, because family history was always an intrest to me, i wrote my senior term paper on family tree!
I know, going to family reunions is like torture, because no one ever remembers me.
When I go up to talk to the ones I know, we chat for a few minutes and they are ready to move on to someone else. I am not an interesting person to know, I must be really boring.
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