Shot twice

I cannot imagine the pain my uncle must have been in to shoot himself twice in the head in order to stop the pain perminetly...
How in the world would an 89 year old man pull the trigger on a gun, twice, once thru the mouth, and once thru the forhead?
Supposedly it was investigated, and rulled suicide, but, how!

I need to grieve, but, his son didnt invite me over to be with the family, I have no one else, so, I grieve alone.
That is nothing new to me tho, so, I should be used to it by now.
I grieved the death of 4 loved ones who were killed in a horrid wreck, a semi running their car down like a sitting duck.
I have mentioned their deaths before so wont go into it again, but, none the less, I had no one to grieve with then either.
I finally found a grief support group back in 1978, exactly 33 years from today. Only thing it was a Monday, coming home from a family reunion. Killed, all of them, mom, dad, two sisters, the only thing i can be thankfull for is my children were not in the car.....I could not have survived it if they had been.
We had driven many miles to arkansas trading children in the car, so, it could have been with my children involved, but THANK YOU LORD JESUS, you saved me of that pain.

My marriage, if you want to call it that, was in trouble before the wreck, in fact, from the day one, the night of my wedding, I knew I had made a mistake, but, I was in love with love, in love with the wedding process, in love with the excitement of a change in my life, to get away from my strict parents. In those days, girls my age, 17, didnt have the choice of getting a roommate and trying to live alone, to go to school and become something more than a house wife.

That was all I ever wanted to be, a wife, mother, gardner, I hated cleaning house, but, would have gladly cooked millions of meals. My mother always cleaned, I always tried to cook. I didnt learn how to cook tho.
Mother wasnt a very good cook, so, never asked her to teach me. My mother inlaw was a fabulous cook.
She could cook with a COOK!!!
I learned to eat, and enjoy it, and, now, trying to loose all of those pounds that built up over the last 35 years.

Funny how, I have lost almost everyone I have ever loved, who has ever loved me, other than my children, and, they have too, they have gone on in their lives, we never talk about grieving, they dont seem to need to talk about it, so, I dont want to bother them with it.
My uncle shot himself, their two best friends shot themselves too, as teenagers......
they have moved on, how did they grieve with out me?
why am i having such a difficult time feeling the need to grieve, but, being alone in it.