guest book didnt work

I spent most of yesterday trying to figure out how to use Bravenets free products, I had a guest book on here but it doesnt work, or, at least I didnt have it on here right...
Thanks to those of you who have left comments. I dont think Im looking for anyone to give me answers, but it is really nice to have some validation that I am alive and someone gives a note of encouragement. Days go by when I dont talk to another human person, dont have a cat or dog so, it gets pretty quiet in kansasgals head...
yes I have another human person in the house hold, but most of the time he is not capable of holding a decent conversation by the time I get home from work so I dont even try. He has been doing better this past week, which is where my question about happiness came in. When I allow myself to enjoy being "free" of his drunkenness and enjoy having him around, it gets thrown in my face with an unexpected drunk night.
yes, it would be so much easier to just kick him out. I dont know what the pull is he has on me, or, I have on him. If we were physically in lust with each other I would understand, but, being alone with out much other family influence on either side, I guess we are dependent on each other in other ways.
He is the oldest of 9 kids, whom most live here in Kansas but we only see them at Thanksgiving, Easter and Christmas. His son lives in Washington State and we have only seen him once in 5 years. My kids are in Kansas and Colorado and I get to see the Colorado son on holidays, the Kansas daughter comes around once in a while but she has a life I dont want to force myself upon her.
Unlike my parents who were so heavily into my life, always at beck and call, I have tried to allow my kids their independence and not force myself upon them. I certainly dont have money to offer them, and, can offer baby sitting services only when Im not working. They grew up with out me emotionally, or, so it feels. I dont remember either of them ever coming to me with a problem in highschool. I never went to my parents (mom) with anything because I knew they would feel they HAD to take care of the problem. As a child, I learned quickly not to let my mom know when someone was bullying for fear she would be out on the play ground with her big stick (figuratively speaking) chasing the kids away from me. I remember going to my room and crying secretly wishing someone would accept me. I dont know what I was doing to make them so mean to me but I have always felt it must be me, I must be the most horrible person to have the kids hate me so much. It wasnt until much later in my ilfe when I was reading a history book of the town in which I spent my childhood did I realize, that most of the people there were related. I dont know for a fact but feel that it was possibly since I was not related, I just didnt fit into their mold. Now, as an adult, and both of my parents being dead. Neither of their families reach out to me, it is as tho I died along with my parents. I guess because Im adopted, I have tried to be a good cousin and keep in touch with cousins but they dont reach out to me with out me first calling upon them. Holidays are the most painfull being alone. This year I have offered to work on all of them, I am supposed to get paid holiday pay but they havent paid me for them except one. I asked my supervisor about it after labor day, she said she would check on it, but, I dont think she ever did. I will find out now for Thanksgiving. Since my kids are products of a divorced home, they always have their dads to go to and his wife's parents dinners etc, and even tho I put in my bid for a certain day to celebrate with them, I still find myself fighting to get them more than just an hour or two on the day I have asked for. Hopefully this year they will be more willing to take the time for me. If not, there is always next year, hopefully!
One never knows what is around the next curve. Health wise, I have been trying to take positive steps to get back into shape. This past year has been devistating to me and partner, and, I can honestly say, one which I really didnt know if I would live thru. Hopefully I am on my way back up. Taking my suppliments and doing the things my herbilist tells me to do. I know my blood pressure is still high, infact last night I couldnt sleep for the head aches were pretty bad. I start the hazelnut oil tomorrow, not sure what it is supposed to do but she said it should take care of the high bloodpressure too. We will see! I have joined Nutronix for the B-12 Sublinqual vitamin, I hope that helps too. I cant wait till my order gets here.
Well.......my day is getting away from me, I have to get my copies done for the lawyer. I procrastinated it off all week, I HAVE TO GET IT DONE TODAY!!!
I need an accountablity partner!