let the chips fall

Its been a year now, since we left for Florida, with hope in our souls for a new start. Only to find, we had no job once we got down there. My partner repeatedly applied for job after job day in and day out, I was impressed with his perseverance. Even tho he never landed a job, I never felt it was his fault. I heard his phone calls, his ability to follow up with his applications, and, yet, no one wanted to hire him for what ever reasons. With our tails between our legs, we loaded up, and came back to good ole Kansas.
It has been one hell of a year. Yet,since coming back to hometown, he has landed job after job, only to keep it for 2 months or less. This final job is a good one, it might not pay well, but, he will be able to work himself up to a better pay if he can just stick with it. His back is bothering him terribly, and, I feel for him, but, I will not tolerate him sitting at home getting drunk everyday while I work a full time job. Which brings me to my dilemma, why can I not go apply? Everytime I hear of a job which is not very often, I find a reason not to take my application down.
Im beginning to feel like such a looser, my self worth is so low at this time, I just cant seem to make myself turn things around once again! So, that makes me no better than him, he a drunk, me a looser...we deserve each other right?
Im at my wits end of starting over, no longer my parents little girl who they loved taking care of, no longer the dependent wife, daughter, but, the "independent" flunky who cant seem to make a living. Menial jobs, paying $6.50 an hour or less is all I can seem to find around here, and, that is not making a living, barely a surviving wage. Yet, the big shots of corporations make multimillions, Oprah is worth Billions, and, we, the underdogs who do the grunt work are only worth $6.50 an hour! IT MAKES ME SICK! Being self employed all of these years, has kept me making a living, but, loosing all I have ever inherited and invested, so, obviously, Im too stupid to make money!
Why is it the rich get richer and the poor get poorer?
My emotions range from the lowest of low, to almost a medium of being ok but, never on top of the world. I want to stand in the middle of the road and scream out but no one will hear me anyway so what is the use?
So much destruction is upon our country, the world in a whole is like a tightly wound coil ready to spring at any time.
Maybe the nuclear way out is the only way out?
Have we become such a people who are so intolerant of each other that the only way to deal with it is to destroy each other?

Boy is that a long shot from where I started with this entry today?
Which is how my emotions seems to flag back and forth, up and down, I cant seem to focus on anyone thing any more. It makes me sick to know he has been offered help thru so many services, and he only drinks his way out of being responsible, and I have so much pride I cant go ask for the same help he has been offered, I can only crawl deeper and deeper into my hole of despair.

What I wouldnt give for a good mellow shot today, seems to be one of the only things that helps me crawl from under this rock I have grown so accustom to.
The weather is great, October is the BEST month to be in Kansas, not to hot, not too cold, that crisp air in the evenings. Leaves falling from the trees, and, normally the grass is done growing. This year, we have had so much rain, the grass may need to be cut one last time here soon.
I am almost done with painting the inside of the house, getting things looking better. After moving into this dump, which had been abused by renters for 15 years. We had to live in it for the past 3 years with out doing anything to it. Since being back from Florida, I have all but one room done then it will feel like home.
Or, as close to home as I will ever feel again. All my hopes and dreams have crumbled in ever having a "decent" home again, and If I could let go of all my baggage and load up and just leave, where would I go?
I dont see myself growing old in this town, but it is a town where most people move to retire and grow old and die.
I WANT TO LIVE BEFORE I DIE!
and lving here is NOT MY IDEA OF LIFE !!!!