feathers
A dear friend came to visit yesterday, from the little town where I first tried to be an independent business woman. She has tried so hard to save the old historic buildings in that town, to keep the history in print with her wonderful little paper. Coming back from college, learning about saving old buildings, and, seeing into the future of her town, she KNEW she had to start buying up the properties, to save them from the wrecking ball.
For what ever reason, the towns people turned against her. She was too revolutionery for them.
She threatened their being, maybe showing them their ugly inside secrets. Maybe being afraid of seeing the truth, and knowing they have lived lies, and hidden behind their lies all of those years?
She has struggled to get money together to save the buildings all while people stand back and make fun of her, throwing stones of ugliness, tearing down all she has worked for by not helping her get things done.
Yes, she has her way of wanting to do things, and when they have no say, they get pissed! As I see, it is nothing more than an ego pitty party. If they cant do it their way, they are NO way going to allow her to do it her way!
They just dont see her for what she is, a true diamond in the rough of information, love, and completeness.
She can do so much on so little. But they insist on causing problem after problem to keep her from really doing what needs to be done. OH if they could just SEE her vision for her developement, but, she has no time to put it in pictures, and a voice they can hear or see, she is always chaising after feathers that the wind blows from her to finish her projects.
Friend...I love you! And, I will help in ways I can. I am not there close to do the leg work, but, from here, I will do what I can.
Monday, November 28, 2005
The dinner went well. Conversation was pretty good, no one got mad, which is a good thing! We had a bottle of wine sitting in kitchen for whom ever wanted a bit, but it wasn't made a big deal of, and, I don't even know if daughter noticed it.
Which, seems to be her big turn off when everyone is drinking and she and hubby don't drink gets upset with everyone else having a good time. As much as I love her, she used to be so much fun, but since getting married, becoming a mom, and a working professional, she needs to CHILL OUT!!!
We looked at pictures which she said " i ha vent seen those mom" well...she hasn't had time to take a look at a lot of things over the years, just as I have been in such chaos, her life has been getting settled, education, mommy, and wife. Life just isn't fair....we spend so much effort getting "settled" that the very reason we want to be settled gets ignored, our kids, our families. What is it all about?
I can remember feeling so torn between working, kids, husband, parents, never having time to just enjoy it all.
Then its over, kids grow up, parents die, and life slows down, but..no one left to enjoy it with...kids have their own lives, parents are gone, and friends have gone other directions...now...starting over and wondering where I'm going...AGAIN.....
Son left for Colorado at 10am, called at 4 pm, stranded on the highway just over the boarder. I have not heard from them, I didn't send much food with them, and I'm hoping they have plenty of blankets and warmth in the car with them.
There are no motels where they are. Oh Lord please be with them, keep them safe and comfortable and filled with your Holy Spirit!
He and his g/f sat in the kitchen and talked with me the first afternoon, it was good to have some good bonding time, sharing some things we hadn't talked about in years. I just hope I can continue to get to know his g/f, they ha vent made the plunge into marriage, but, they are putting their life together as a couple.
They have invited everyone, her dad, brother, me and daughter, her family, and kids dad, my first ex, with his wife to Colorado for Christmas. I don't know If I would feel welcome with his wife there, she never seems to be enthusiastic about me being around. I would love to tell her "look bitch, you WOULD NOT be married to him if i hadn't divorced him, I DONT WANT HIM BACK AS A HUSBAND" Why am I a threat to her?
Then, to have sons g/f tell me that the step mom took credit for raising MY KIDS!
what a crock of SHIT!
They couldn't stand her. or, so they left me believe!
Which, seems to be her big turn off when everyone is drinking and she and hubby don't drink gets upset with everyone else having a good time. As much as I love her, she used to be so much fun, but since getting married, becoming a mom, and a working professional, she needs to CHILL OUT!!!
We looked at pictures which she said " i ha vent seen those mom" well...she hasn't had time to take a look at a lot of things over the years, just as I have been in such chaos, her life has been getting settled, education, mommy, and wife. Life just isn't fair....we spend so much effort getting "settled" that the very reason we want to be settled gets ignored, our kids, our families. What is it all about?
I can remember feeling so torn between working, kids, husband, parents, never having time to just enjoy it all.
Then its over, kids grow up, parents die, and life slows down, but..no one left to enjoy it with...kids have their own lives, parents are gone, and friends have gone other directions...now...starting over and wondering where I'm going...AGAIN.....
Son left for Colorado at 10am, called at 4 pm, stranded on the highway just over the boarder. I have not heard from them, I didn't send much food with them, and I'm hoping they have plenty of blankets and warmth in the car with them.
There are no motels where they are. Oh Lord please be with them, keep them safe and comfortable and filled with your Holy Spirit!
He and his g/f sat in the kitchen and talked with me the first afternoon, it was good to have some good bonding time, sharing some things we hadn't talked about in years. I just hope I can continue to get to know his g/f, they ha vent made the plunge into marriage, but, they are putting their life together as a couple.
They have invited everyone, her dad, brother, me and daughter, her family, and kids dad, my first ex, with his wife to Colorado for Christmas. I don't know If I would feel welcome with his wife there, she never seems to be enthusiastic about me being around. I would love to tell her "look bitch, you WOULD NOT be married to him if i hadn't divorced him, I DONT WANT HIM BACK AS A HUSBAND" Why am I a threat to her?
Then, to have sons g/f tell me that the step mom took credit for raising MY KIDS!
what a crock of SHIT!
They couldn't stand her. or, so they left me believe!
Validation
seemingly ambitious,
needed a purpose in life
didnt know where he was going
didnt have a clue how to get there
uneducated and unimportant to anyone
something extraordinary, need for validation before he died! (taken from a documentary on the Assination conspiracy, history channel )
spending second half of life being a revolutionary
decide to become political assin? (Lee Harvey Oswald)
Oswald, wanted to be important
His story could be my story, except he had a purpose, he had a story
he had a reason to live Even tho he took his interests into a backdoor way to
being noticed. Negative notoriety, but his name will be known throughout history.
His moment in time, changed the course of the nation all in one gun shot.
How many gun shots does it take to change the whole nation now when there is no goal,
no vision, no dream.
What direction are we taking, the more gun shots being shot, the more lost we seem to be going.
Going Missing.....
All I want is to be noticed, to be validated.....
is that so bad?
To know I made a difference in someones life?
needed a purpose in life
didnt know where he was going
didnt have a clue how to get there
uneducated and unimportant to anyone
something extraordinary, need for validation before he died! (taken from a documentary on the Assination conspiracy, history channel )
spending second half of life being a revolutionary
decide to become political assin? (Lee Harvey Oswald)
Oswald, wanted to be important
His story could be my story, except he had a purpose, he had a story
he had a reason to live Even tho he took his interests into a backdoor way to
being noticed. Negative notoriety, but his name will be known throughout history.
His moment in time, changed the course of the nation all in one gun shot.
How many gun shots does it take to change the whole nation now when there is no goal,
no vision, no dream.
What direction are we taking, the more gun shots being shot, the more lost we seem to be going.
Going Missing.....
All I want is to be noticed, to be validated.....
is that so bad?
To know I made a difference in someones life?
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Today is the day
I will be having dinner today with my kids, my ex, my live in, and mygranddaughter
for the first time in 10 years.
My first 1/3 of my life was put out to my parents, my 1st husband, my children, being married at 17, and becoming a mother at 20. I didnt have a clue to how to make a husband happy and be a fun mommy because I was trying so hard to please my parents, and give them what they wanted to see. A happy wife and mother, just like they set out for me. BUT!!! NO ONE WAS HAPPY!!!!
walking in the door, hearing my mom crying, I would walk in to the living room to see her sitting on the chair in the corner, crying. "whats wrong mommy?"
to which she would say something about a headache, and rush me out of the door to the neighbors house.
Anna and Ralph were more like my grandparents than my real grandma and grandpa.
They were the ones who took me outside and played, made mud pies, and talked to me.
I dont remember what they said, but, I always felt loved by them. I dont know if they ever told me that they loved me, but, they just seemed so happy to see me when I would get there.
I couldnt wait to see my dads truck coming down the street. I would run down to catch a ride with the other men crowded on the truck. 2 on the side rails, and two in the back of his truck. Maybe more along the way, but there they all came, barroling down that street in the Old Blue 1949 Ford....and I catching my ride home!
I can remember one time, I wanted to wear my daddy's clothes he had from his childhood. I wanted to excite him, let him see me in his clothes and maybe get excited to talk to me, but....he all he said, "yup that is what your daddy used to wear". Welp, like I knew that, I wanted to know more! I wanted to know what it was like when he was little, what he liked as a kid in school, but, all he ever said was how they worked so hard, didnt get to play much.
Maybe that is why he always let me go out to play, so I wouldnt feel like I had to work. They surely didnt make me do any work. I didnt have to clean my room, mother would yell at me and bitch at me about not cleaning, but, it didnt bother me to have a messy room, why was it a bother to her. As I look back now, how disrespectful I was! oh Mother I wish I could tell you how so sorry I am for being such a bratttt!!!
I would begrudgingly clean it, but, it was never CLEAN! I mean get rid of crap, wash down woodwork, clean out closets, etc......but yet I cleaned houses for a living! and i HATED IT< BUT IT WAS MONEY!!!!how in HELL does one make a living doing something they enjoy????????
Mother was very dependent on what other people thought of her, and her apperence was very important to her. She and her sisters just had to dress nice in public, never sloppy. I can understand why mother was disappointed in me, I didnt take an interest in how I looked, she didnt like me wearing jeans. She would MAKE ME wear a dress, even tho I would cry and moan about it, I would wear it, then, as soon as we went out to play, I was in my jeans no matter what!!!
She basically let me do what ever I wanted, I think because she was a fraid of a confrontation with me. I was a strong willed child, and she was a push over for
not saying NO and meaning it, Im sure, after seeing my granddaughter throw her temper tantrums, Im sure....I was most probably the same way!!
Because she was so into what people thought and what people expected of her.
I dont think she was happy in her marriage, and in those days, they didnt even think about a divorce. She couldnt stand to be the black sheep of the family to be the rebelious one.
BUT SHE WAS!!
She was the one who worked in a restaurant, and put on lipstick, walking down the street, her daddy saw her and came up and washed her face right their on main street.
She was so humiliated but never wore it again until she got married. Mother ....
she seemed happy to other people, she laughed, but never really just let go.
She liked to keep a little wine made up, but after she quit making wine, they quit drinking it because, now, I can see she was too embarressed to go into the store and get it, and daddy couldnt read, so he wouldnt go. I never ever thought about that until right now.
So she did with out her wine all those years because of fear of being seen going into the liquor store. That is what this town is all about. Not doing something others will see you doing, and then talk about you for doing....
I know Im rambling here but it is coming together.
My life has been such a shambles, and, I havent been able to make sense of ANYTHING for so long.
I have walked around like a zombie, in lala land, not knowing what the FUCK IM DOING!
I would go to person after person asking for advice, asking to listen to me, asking for some sort of validation that I even exist. ..... and I DONT!
It has become very clear to me, my kids came home from Colorado, and, unless we take out the wine and a little mind unwinding we dont do much communication at all.
Yesterday when they got here, they came in all happy and joyfull. Nothing like what we were 10 years ago. We had 3 hours to talk. Brother did I break down and talk. Told them everything that has been happening for the past 10 years, and, after a while, he had to go "see friends" enough of listening to mom!
AFter 1 more hour, his girlfriend decided it was time to call him to come home and get her so she could see his friends too.....meaning she had enough of me too..
BUT at least we sat and talked to 3 hours!
Today instead of sticking around here, they had to run off to a movie....now that one kind of pissed me off because its not like they cant watch movies back in colorado. It just makes me think that I was such a bad mom that they dont even care to be around me?
When they were teenagers they didnt want to be around either.
They were off partying with their friends, or, didnt want to be home seeing my ex drunk and passed out on the floor.
This is just so jumbled up, I hope I can make sense of it later!
I have not had time to just sit and think things thru, or rethink my past.
When our parents try to talk to us about their past, it is the only time they get to talk about it, then, we never learn anything about our heritage.
They dont want to listen to me because its been so depressing.
I dont have fun stories to talk about, only things that were painfull.
Who wants to listen to that?
Kids forsure dont!
Well, my ex just stopped in to tell me he wasnt coming to dinner tonight.
MAJOR BUMMER, IT wasnt important enough for him to want to come see the kids, and the granddaughter, whom he had not seen for 10 years+
Now I am really sad. I really wanted him to come and be a part of our "extended" family but I guess he isnt ready for it, or just doesnt care ????
I Want to talk to him, I want to know what happened right before I left him, why things went so weird, if there was another woman, or just his drugs?????
I just want to know if I made a difference in his life, of, if I wasted those 13 1/2 years loving him with nothing coming back my way.
I loved him so much, I didnt want the divorce but I didnt know how to make our marrage work anylonger. He was doing things I never knew about, and I just thought he was drinking more and more. I finally walked out.
the night I remember making the decision to leave, he was on his computer
doing what ever he did on it at that time. I walked in and put my shirt over his head and rubbed my boobs against the back of his neck and said, "how about coming to bed with me?" He basically blew me off, he never came to bed until after 3am, and I had to be up at 6am, I never even let him know I was STILL awake.
The next morning, I got up, put my clothes on, packed a suit case and said I would be back at another time after my things. I left. to start over again.
Now, 10 years later, he has been into and back out of prison, and, we finally were going to have time to talk....but, I guess not...not now.
But he cant come, said he is going to see the mother of his son, whom she had right after he went into prison. I dont know what their relationship is now but, I know he definately didnt want to be here.
It hurts.
but life goes on.....
for the first time in 10 years.
My first 1/3 of my life was put out to my parents, my 1st husband, my children, being married at 17, and becoming a mother at 20. I didnt have a clue to how to make a husband happy and be a fun mommy because I was trying so hard to please my parents, and give them what they wanted to see. A happy wife and mother, just like they set out for me. BUT!!! NO ONE WAS HAPPY!!!!
walking in the door, hearing my mom crying, I would walk in to the living room to see her sitting on the chair in the corner, crying. "whats wrong mommy?"
to which she would say something about a headache, and rush me out of the door to the neighbors house.
Anna and Ralph were more like my grandparents than my real grandma and grandpa.
They were the ones who took me outside and played, made mud pies, and talked to me.
I dont remember what they said, but, I always felt loved by them. I dont know if they ever told me that they loved me, but, they just seemed so happy to see me when I would get there.
I couldnt wait to see my dads truck coming down the street. I would run down to catch a ride with the other men crowded on the truck. 2 on the side rails, and two in the back of his truck. Maybe more along the way, but there they all came, barroling down that street in the Old Blue 1949 Ford....and I catching my ride home!
I can remember one time, I wanted to wear my daddy's clothes he had from his childhood. I wanted to excite him, let him see me in his clothes and maybe get excited to talk to me, but....he all he said, "yup that is what your daddy used to wear". Welp, like I knew that, I wanted to know more! I wanted to know what it was like when he was little, what he liked as a kid in school, but, all he ever said was how they worked so hard, didnt get to play much.
Maybe that is why he always let me go out to play, so I wouldnt feel like I had to work. They surely didnt make me do any work. I didnt have to clean my room, mother would yell at me and bitch at me about not cleaning, but, it didnt bother me to have a messy room, why was it a bother to her. As I look back now, how disrespectful I was! oh Mother I wish I could tell you how so sorry I am for being such a bratttt!!!
I would begrudgingly clean it, but, it was never CLEAN! I mean get rid of crap, wash down woodwork, clean out closets, etc......but yet I cleaned houses for a living! and i HATED IT< BUT IT WAS MONEY!!!!how in HELL does one make a living doing something they enjoy????????
Mother was very dependent on what other people thought of her, and her apperence was very important to her. She and her sisters just had to dress nice in public, never sloppy. I can understand why mother was disappointed in me, I didnt take an interest in how I looked, she didnt like me wearing jeans. She would MAKE ME wear a dress, even tho I would cry and moan about it, I would wear it, then, as soon as we went out to play, I was in my jeans no matter what!!!
She basically let me do what ever I wanted, I think because she was a fraid of a confrontation with me. I was a strong willed child, and she was a push over for
not saying NO and meaning it, Im sure, after seeing my granddaughter throw her temper tantrums, Im sure....I was most probably the same way!!
Because she was so into what people thought and what people expected of her.
I dont think she was happy in her marriage, and in those days, they didnt even think about a divorce. She couldnt stand to be the black sheep of the family to be the rebelious one.
BUT SHE WAS!!
She was the one who worked in a restaurant, and put on lipstick, walking down the street, her daddy saw her and came up and washed her face right their on main street.
She was so humiliated but never wore it again until she got married. Mother ....
she seemed happy to other people, she laughed, but never really just let go.
She liked to keep a little wine made up, but after she quit making wine, they quit drinking it because, now, I can see she was too embarressed to go into the store and get it, and daddy couldnt read, so he wouldnt go. I never ever thought about that until right now.
So she did with out her wine all those years because of fear of being seen going into the liquor store. That is what this town is all about. Not doing something others will see you doing, and then talk about you for doing....
I know Im rambling here but it is coming together.
My life has been such a shambles, and, I havent been able to make sense of ANYTHING for so long.
I have walked around like a zombie, in lala land, not knowing what the FUCK IM DOING!
I would go to person after person asking for advice, asking to listen to me, asking for some sort of validation that I even exist. ..... and I DONT!
It has become very clear to me, my kids came home from Colorado, and, unless we take out the wine and a little mind unwinding we dont do much communication at all.
Yesterday when they got here, they came in all happy and joyfull. Nothing like what we were 10 years ago. We had 3 hours to talk. Brother did I break down and talk. Told them everything that has been happening for the past 10 years, and, after a while, he had to go "see friends" enough of listening to mom!
AFter 1 more hour, his girlfriend decided it was time to call him to come home and get her so she could see his friends too.....meaning she had enough of me too..
BUT at least we sat and talked to 3 hours!
Today instead of sticking around here, they had to run off to a movie....now that one kind of pissed me off because its not like they cant watch movies back in colorado. It just makes me think that I was such a bad mom that they dont even care to be around me?
When they were teenagers they didnt want to be around either.
They were off partying with their friends, or, didnt want to be home seeing my ex drunk and passed out on the floor.
This is just so jumbled up, I hope I can make sense of it later!
I have not had time to just sit and think things thru, or rethink my past.
When our parents try to talk to us about their past, it is the only time they get to talk about it, then, we never learn anything about our heritage.
They dont want to listen to me because its been so depressing.
I dont have fun stories to talk about, only things that were painfull.
Who wants to listen to that?
Kids forsure dont!
Well, my ex just stopped in to tell me he wasnt coming to dinner tonight.
MAJOR BUMMER, IT wasnt important enough for him to want to come see the kids, and the granddaughter, whom he had not seen for 10 years+
Now I am really sad. I really wanted him to come and be a part of our "extended" family but I guess he isnt ready for it, or just doesnt care ????
I Want to talk to him, I want to know what happened right before I left him, why things went so weird, if there was another woman, or just his drugs?????
I just want to know if I made a difference in his life, of, if I wasted those 13 1/2 years loving him with nothing coming back my way.
I loved him so much, I didnt want the divorce but I didnt know how to make our marrage work anylonger. He was doing things I never knew about, and I just thought he was drinking more and more. I finally walked out.
the night I remember making the decision to leave, he was on his computer
doing what ever he did on it at that time. I walked in and put my shirt over his head and rubbed my boobs against the back of his neck and said, "how about coming to bed with me?" He basically blew me off, he never came to bed until after 3am, and I had to be up at 6am, I never even let him know I was STILL awake.
The next morning, I got up, put my clothes on, packed a suit case and said I would be back at another time after my things. I left. to start over again.
Now, 10 years later, he has been into and back out of prison, and, we finally were going to have time to talk....but, I guess not...not now.
But he cant come, said he is going to see the mother of his son, whom she had right after he went into prison. I dont know what their relationship is now but, I know he definately didnt want to be here.
It hurts.
but life goes on.....
Friday, November 25, 2005
The day is fast approaching
Oh way cool, I just found the ABC check on my Google tool bar! No more having to type blog on email first to do a spell check! Hey this is getting better and better all the time, now if I could just figure out how to do some of the other things online I have always wanted to do, such as a REAL website, not just a blog!
Anyway, son is going to be coming sometime today, I still need to get groceries, and all the china out. Its been stored away wrapped in newspapers for over 10 years.
10 years, a hole nuther life time ago...I had money, I was married to a man I really loved, for the most part I was happy. It all changed in an wink of an eye or so it seems now so long ago.
But that was yesterday, today is a new start, I finally have my house looking like a home, going to have my china all unwrapped and on the table for a REAL meal!
no left over hospital food today!
I don't care if I don't have money for groceries for a month, just so I can get the food together for this meal. Things are looking better on that part too. I got my work schedule for December, she has me on for 14 days that month! Its going to keep me from going to a catering in KC but, to me that is well worth it. I really didn't want to go anyway. It sounded like a dreadfully difficult feed. 2 days (48hour) 2 different sites, at 2 different times with just the four of us! AND STEAKS no less! I'm glad I cant go. I hate to do it to my cousin, honestly I do, but, at the same time, I feel it is a saving grace on my end....
Those 2 day feeds are a real killer. She must make some really good money, or, she just cant say no! I would NEVER take on those kinds of ordeals in my own business, and the only reason I have gone so far is because I HAD TO HAVE THE MONEY!
Standing at a grill for 12-15 hours with Nothing but a potty break is JUST nothing less than HELL on the body. After being there 48 hours with little more than 4 hour sleep break and going after groceries every 4 hours or standing at the grill the whole time. Leaves me totally wiped out, I come home and just want to lay on the couch for 4 days! But, normally end up having to go to my other job. My other job is just as physically challenging, but at least after 8.5 -9 hours I get to come home and crash. Its when she puts me on the schedule for more than 4 days straight that gets to me. I just aint as young as I used to be!!!! The song, "The old grey mare aint what she used to be" brings on a whole nother meaning!!!
December will be one of those schedules but at least she didn't put me on 7 days straight like she did in August! I wish everyone who has NEVER worked in the food industry would have to work at least one month, at one very demanding position. They would become so much more appreciative at us "low life" workers.
I want out of the food service, but it seems no matter what job I go apply for, all they can see is my food service work, and bypass me on hiring. If I dont put my food service jobs down, I dont have anything on my application. How do people bluff their way into jobs they dont have experience for, but, know they can do it...?
Well this post has taken on a different direction than what I started out with.
But guess I needed to get it said.
Anyway, son is going to be coming sometime today, I still need to get groceries, and all the china out. Its been stored away wrapped in newspapers for over 10 years.
10 years, a hole nuther life time ago...I had money, I was married to a man I really loved, for the most part I was happy. It all changed in an wink of an eye or so it seems now so long ago.
But that was yesterday, today is a new start, I finally have my house looking like a home, going to have my china all unwrapped and on the table for a REAL meal!
no left over hospital food today!
I don't care if I don't have money for groceries for a month, just so I can get the food together for this meal. Things are looking better on that part too. I got my work schedule for December, she has me on for 14 days that month! Its going to keep me from going to a catering in KC but, to me that is well worth it. I really didn't want to go anyway. It sounded like a dreadfully difficult feed. 2 days (48hour) 2 different sites, at 2 different times with just the four of us! AND STEAKS no less! I'm glad I cant go. I hate to do it to my cousin, honestly I do, but, at the same time, I feel it is a saving grace on my end....
Those 2 day feeds are a real killer. She must make some really good money, or, she just cant say no! I would NEVER take on those kinds of ordeals in my own business, and the only reason I have gone so far is because I HAD TO HAVE THE MONEY!
Standing at a grill for 12-15 hours with Nothing but a potty break is JUST nothing less than HELL on the body. After being there 48 hours with little more than 4 hour sleep break and going after groceries every 4 hours or standing at the grill the whole time. Leaves me totally wiped out, I come home and just want to lay on the couch for 4 days! But, normally end up having to go to my other job. My other job is just as physically challenging, but at least after 8.5 -9 hours I get to come home and crash. Its when she puts me on the schedule for more than 4 days straight that gets to me. I just aint as young as I used to be!!!! The song, "The old grey mare aint what she used to be" brings on a whole nother meaning!!!
December will be one of those schedules but at least she didn't put me on 7 days straight like she did in August! I wish everyone who has NEVER worked in the food industry would have to work at least one month, at one very demanding position. They would become so much more appreciative at us "low life" workers.
I want out of the food service, but it seems no matter what job I go apply for, all they can see is my food service work, and bypass me on hiring. If I dont put my food service jobs down, I dont have anything on my application. How do people bluff their way into jobs they dont have experience for, but, know they can do it...?
Well this post has taken on a different direction than what I started out with.
But guess I needed to get it said.
Monday, November 21, 2005
my surgate mom
My mom's cousin, had surgery today. She is 86, and, when I was little, I always wished she was my mom. We would go visit her and her husband and two daughters and as soon as i would hear my mom or dad say it was time to get ready to leave, I would hide. I didnt want to go home. I had such fun at their house. She talked to me like a person, she didnt talk down to me, and, she was the only person in my whole life that told me I was pretty. My cousin was like a sister I never had, and, she and I just had so much fun playing outside, climbing trees, running as fast was we could from the neighbor boys, riding horses, playing with her dinosaurs, going swimming, or roller skating. I remember hiding under the bed and my hair got caught on the springs. My mom was NOT happy with me, and, had to climb under to get my hair loose...I believe there was a pair of scissors used to release me from that bed spring! Yet, when my cousin would come to my house to stay the night, my parents always had to take her home at 10 because she would be crying to go home! Here I cried because I didnt want to go home, and she cried because she did. Then I would cry because I didnt want her to go home with out me!
Anyway, when my mom died, her cousin was living in Arkansas and didnt come home for the funeral. Then a couple of years later, her and her husband moved back to my hometown, and, never once came to visit my dad infact, never even let him know they had moved back!!! He had to find out from my moms sister. That hurt him and me terribly. He was so very lonely after mother died, no one visited him, he would go visit others but, being the non verbal person he was, it was difficult for him to "visit". Ultimatly quit going to see people. He sat at home alone after I moved away, and, dwindled away. My biggest regret is moving away and not being here for him. Even tho I moved home before he died, I only had less than a year with him.
Getting back to my mom's cousin. I asked her once to go see daddy, he was so lonely and would love to see her. She just flat said, "oh, I just cant stand to go see him with your mother not being there" That hurt me so very much. 6 months after daddy died, her husband of 59 years, died and left her so "lonely" it was another 9 months before I could go see her. THe hurt in my heart from how she wouldnt go see daddy was just more than I could forgive at that time. I worked thru it, and forgave her. Then got busy with work, painting house, emotional depression etc. It took me until this past August to finally go see her. I went to see her again last week. She was so frail and weak. She said she had a dr appointment the next day, which ended up keeping her in hospital. Her heart is basically shot, and she has already had 2 bypass surgeries. Today they did the roter rooter thing on one artery, the other is blocked completely. I dont know if she will make it thru this ordeal. I am so sorry I didnt go see her more often. If she makes it thru, I will be better at going to visit her. Its just so difficult to see the people I have loved dying, there are not many left, just when I get attached, they leave me.
I wonder if that is why it was so difficult for me to get "attached" to my parents?
I was strong when they were dying, almost as tho I was emotionally detatched.
I miss them terribly, and I wish I would have done things differently, but, I dont remember having fear, or anxiety, or alot of real pain when they died, or is it that I have had so much loss in my life, by the time they left me I was just used to it?
Being alone in life is something I have just always been, so, now, as more and more people die, it just leaves me knowing that being alone is just a way of life.
My fear is that I will not allow myself the pleasure of spending time with her, because I wont want to get attached, and feel the pain when she does die...
but, I know the pain of regret is even worse, so, I know I will go see her more!
Guess that took care of that didnt it :)
ok, time for bed....i have to work again tomorrow.
Then, get things ready for my son to come home from Colorado. I cant wait to see him and his girlfriend, we always have a good time when they are here.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Anyway, when my mom died, her cousin was living in Arkansas and didnt come home for the funeral. Then a couple of years later, her and her husband moved back to my hometown, and, never once came to visit my dad infact, never even let him know they had moved back!!! He had to find out from my moms sister. That hurt him and me terribly. He was so very lonely after mother died, no one visited him, he would go visit others but, being the non verbal person he was, it was difficult for him to "visit". Ultimatly quit going to see people. He sat at home alone after I moved away, and, dwindled away. My biggest regret is moving away and not being here for him. Even tho I moved home before he died, I only had less than a year with him.
Getting back to my mom's cousin. I asked her once to go see daddy, he was so lonely and would love to see her. She just flat said, "oh, I just cant stand to go see him with your mother not being there" That hurt me so very much. 6 months after daddy died, her husband of 59 years, died and left her so "lonely" it was another 9 months before I could go see her. THe hurt in my heart from how she wouldnt go see daddy was just more than I could forgive at that time. I worked thru it, and forgave her. Then got busy with work, painting house, emotional depression etc. It took me until this past August to finally go see her. I went to see her again last week. She was so frail and weak. She said she had a dr appointment the next day, which ended up keeping her in hospital. Her heart is basically shot, and she has already had 2 bypass surgeries. Today they did the roter rooter thing on one artery, the other is blocked completely. I dont know if she will make it thru this ordeal. I am so sorry I didnt go see her more often. If she makes it thru, I will be better at going to visit her. Its just so difficult to see the people I have loved dying, there are not many left, just when I get attached, they leave me.
I wonder if that is why it was so difficult for me to get "attached" to my parents?
I was strong when they were dying, almost as tho I was emotionally detatched.
I miss them terribly, and I wish I would have done things differently, but, I dont remember having fear, or anxiety, or alot of real pain when they died, or is it that I have had so much loss in my life, by the time they left me I was just used to it?
Being alone in life is something I have just always been, so, now, as more and more people die, it just leaves me knowing that being alone is just a way of life.
My fear is that I will not allow myself the pleasure of spending time with her, because I wont want to get attached, and feel the pain when she does die...
but, I know the pain of regret is even worse, so, I know I will go see her more!
Guess that took care of that didnt it :)
ok, time for bed....i have to work again tomorrow.
Then, get things ready for my son to come home from Colorado. I cant wait to see him and his girlfriend, we always have a good time when they are here.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Vasila's Heart
see Vasila's story on this webpage....
She came to America to have her heart operated on
She went back to her homeland of Afghanistan taking with her a piece of America.
Her big voice singing We Shall Over Come in a church meeting,
Her big smile as she walked into the ocean
Her gigantic desire to become a Dr. so she can help other children when she grows up.
All things found in a new world of Freedom.
Her father said she will go back, and not have to quit school as most young girls do at puberty, and she will not have to go back to cover her face with the burqa she will be FREE.
My prayer for Vasila is that God will grant her the love, joy, and wisdom to truly over come the life she has set before her in her native land. It was truly inspiring to see the love her father had for her in the documentary.
Here is the address to donate help for Vasila and other children world wide who need surgeries.
Vasila’s Heart Fund will provide treatment for children like Vasila as well as training and equipment to improve cardiac medical care in Afghanistan. Tax-deductible donations to Vasila’s Heart Fund can be sent to:
Project Kids Worldwide Inc.
530 First Avenue, Suite 9Z
New York, NY 10016
Specify “Vasila’s Fund” in the memo line of the check. Credit card donations can be made by calling (212)263-8141 between 8:30 a.m. and 5:30 p.m.
Project Kids Worldwide is a New York based non-profit organization that is tax exempt under Section 501 (c)(3) of the Internal Revenue Code. Federal Tax ID 13-4163222. All donations are tax deductible. All donors will receive a receipt by mail confirming their donation. Donations made in honor or memory of or in tribute to a person or family will be acknowledged both to the donor and to the honoree or family. For more information, visit Project Kids Worldwide on the web at www.projectkidsworldwide.org.
http://www.med.nyu.edu/communications/news/pr_83.html
She came to America to have her heart operated on
She went back to her homeland of Afghanistan taking with her a piece of America.
Her big voice singing We Shall Over Come in a church meeting,
Her big smile as she walked into the ocean
Her gigantic desire to become a Dr. so she can help other children when she grows up.
All things found in a new world of Freedom.
Her father said she will go back, and not have to quit school as most young girls do at puberty, and she will not have to go back to cover her face with the burqa she will be FREE.
My prayer for Vasila is that God will grant her the love, joy, and wisdom to truly over come the life she has set before her in her native land. It was truly inspiring to see the love her father had for her in the documentary.
Here is the address to donate help for Vasila and other children world wide who need surgeries.
Vasila’s Heart Fund will provide treatment for children like Vasila as well as training and equipment to improve cardiac medical care in Afghanistan. Tax-deductible donations to Vasila’s Heart Fund can be sent to:
Project Kids Worldwide Inc.
530 First Avenue, Suite 9Z
New York, NY 10016
Specify “Vasila’s Fund” in the memo line of the check. Credit card donations can be made by calling (212)263-8141 between 8:30 a.m. and 5:30 p.m.
Project Kids Worldwide is a New York based non-profit organization that is tax exempt under Section 501 (c)(3) of the Internal Revenue Code. Federal Tax ID 13-4163222. All donations are tax deductible. All donors will receive a receipt by mail confirming their donation. Donations made in honor or memory of or in tribute to a person or family will be acknowledged both to the donor and to the honoree or family. For more information, visit Project Kids Worldwide on the web at www.projectkidsworldwide.org.
http://www.med.nyu.edu/communications/news/pr_83.html
Feels weird.... have you taken the survey?
Since Prez. Bush is going to Asia, and now, the bird flu has jumped to humans, if he will bring it back to the USA?
Will they ban him from re-entry?
Strange how that just happened at the time he happens to go there, huh?
I have been a mean "unlean" cleaning machine!
This house is finally looking like a HOME!
Damn, I might just decide to stay here!
It makes me NOT want to move AGAIN...too much fucking WORK!
Im starting to freak out about next week, I have NEVER had my kids stay the night since they moved out, let alone with a "girlfriend!" My son is bringing his live in girl friend from Colorado.....
PLUS the fact that (my ex) just got out of prison and is going to be here-he hasnt seen my kids or granddaughter since our divorce, and, stopped in after getting out of prison, he looked SOOOOOO GOOD...clean and sober and wonderful to see him, he wanted to see kids...soooo I invited him....
its like a huge 10 year emotional reunion with kids, Ex, then, there is house mate partner in the back ground (i hope he doesnt feel left out)....Its like saying, "hi, Im your mom, the one who has been emotionally gone for the last 10 years!"
just feels tooooo weird!
My life has been in such upheaval for so long, now, it feels like its coming together, but, how the hell do i FEEL about it, deal with it, and DO WITH IT?
ITS A REALLY WEIRD SPOT...I dont know if you can understand it but.....its WEIRD!
but, at least feels GOOD instead of like HELL!!!
Will they ban him from re-entry?
Strange how that just happened at the time he happens to go there, huh?
I have been a mean "unlean" cleaning machine!
This house is finally looking like a HOME!
Damn, I might just decide to stay here!
It makes me NOT want to move AGAIN...too much fucking WORK!
Im starting to freak out about next week, I have NEVER had my kids stay the night since they moved out, let alone with a "girlfriend!" My son is bringing his live in girl friend from Colorado.....
PLUS the fact that (my ex) just got out of prison and is going to be here-he hasnt seen my kids or granddaughter since our divorce, and, stopped in after getting out of prison, he looked SOOOOOO GOOD...clean and sober and wonderful to see him, he wanted to see kids...soooo I invited him....
its like a huge 10 year emotional reunion with kids, Ex, then, there is house mate partner in the back ground (i hope he doesnt feel left out)....Its like saying, "hi, Im your mom, the one who has been emotionally gone for the last 10 years!"
just feels tooooo weird!
My life has been in such upheaval for so long, now, it feels like its coming together, but, how the hell do i FEEL about it, deal with it, and DO WITH IT?
ITS A REALLY WEIRD SPOT...I dont know if you can understand it but.....its WEIRD!
but, at least feels GOOD instead of like HELL!!!
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Turkey stress
Im starting to stress over the next weekend. Its been so many years since I have really entertained for the holidays. This will be the first year since my daddy died, that I am not working 15+ hours a day. I have so many things I want to do and have stretched myself pretty thin right now. To add to the stress, my ex will be here along with my kids, his step kids. Plus housemate. Ex will be here since he has not seen them for 10+ years and never seen my (our) granddaughter.
I am putting together my three lives, if I invited my kids dad, wow, we would have my WHOLE life here. Except for those I have loved and are dead or gone.
It feels strange to know my life has drindled down to so few people.
If it werent for my online friends, I wouldnt have many people in my life, and, that SUX!
I am thankful for getting the painting done, I still have cleaning to do, and get the china out. Then, I have food to buy, I surely hope I have the money to pay for it. I dont want to use the credit card, but, such is life.
I wonder how many other people in the Good Ole United States wonder if they will be able to afford to feed the people coming to their homes?
I hate being in this situation Its almost like it was when I was first married, but somehow I always new the bills would be paid....now...i wonder all the time, pray all the time, and just always hope God will come thru....
I am putting together my three lives, if I invited my kids dad, wow, we would have my WHOLE life here. Except for those I have loved and are dead or gone.
It feels strange to know my life has drindled down to so few people.
If it werent for my online friends, I wouldnt have many people in my life, and, that SUX!
I am thankful for getting the painting done, I still have cleaning to do, and get the china out. Then, I have food to buy, I surely hope I have the money to pay for it. I dont want to use the credit card, but, such is life.
I wonder how many other people in the Good Ole United States wonder if they will be able to afford to feed the people coming to their homes?
I hate being in this situation Its almost like it was when I was first married, but somehow I always new the bills would be paid....now...i wonder all the time, pray all the time, and just always hope God will come thru....
Friday, November 11, 2005
Today is a turning point in my life, I will no longer allow a man to take charge of ME. My emotions are owned by ME, and I will not allow any man to dictate how I feel about my day! Finding a place in this life has been so difficult but I'm not done. I will not be done until my days are over. My mom used to have a plaque on her wall that said something about grow old with me, the best is yet to be.
Its gotta be better than the past! I AM READY FOR THE GOOD STUFF NOW
No more waiting on a man to catch up, or be there, or take control, I am going to do my thing and hopefully find some real meaning in MY LIFE!
To all who have stood by me over the years, my depressions my emotional craziness, thank you! Even tho I never hear from you, and I dont even know if you care or not, I AM MOVING ON....with or with out you...
Writing the last post is such a release, telling the world who broke my heart and warning other women out there for him!
Now, I CAN REALLY MOVE ON....
You stole my heart, and left me as road kill....never to look back
(Dont forget to take the survey at the bottom of the blog)
It was the day after I signed my divorce papers.
You came into my life in such a mysterious way, the phone call to find a flight to Albuquerque, New Mexico. Not finding a good price, and some chit chat, you asked me to dinner. I never expected to truly go out to dinner with you, I figured you would back out before the actual time came along. When you called me to confirm our date I was amazed. Then when you showed up at my door, I was REALLY amazed!
The knock on the door, my stomach bounced all over the place.
I opened the door, those deep blue eyes had me at hello.
OH MY GOD, the most beautiful man I had ever seen is at MY DOOR! I invited you in, you sat across from me, we chatted about my apartment, about your move to Kansas, you told me about your parents in the nursing home in Roswel New Mexico, about your sisters being there to take care of them, about your brother in Colorado, about you being in the Navy and being divorced and not seeing your son for years and years.
See, I took it all in, every word we said to each other. We talked for two hours before deciding to go eat some dinner. We drove clear across town to go to my favorite restaurant and it was TOOOO busy to stand and wait. So we went to another one not so busy. We looked in the paper for a movie to go see.
I even remember what I ate, and what you ate.
We left to go to the movie, walking into the theater we got the tickets then went "window shopping" you took my hand as we were walking thru the halls of the closed mall....pulling me to look at the sporting goods window, then to the jewelry store, each time making fun of me not liking to shop..
During the movie, you took my hand, ran your fingers over each finger, up my arm, making me feel so sensual. Yes I do remember the movie!! But it was difficult to concentrate on the movie when I had this handsome man sitting next to me tenderly touching my fingers, arm, my neck.....
As we walked out to the truck, you pulled me close, then as we got to the truck, you pulled me closer and kissed me. OH THE fireworks were exploding in my head!
You stole my heart that weekend, and for the next 6 weeks you continued to take a little more of my heart and soul. Our last date together was so special, but looking back now, you didnt say "see ya" when you got back into the truck, looking back, you mentioned not having a credit card to rent a car when you would be going back to Roswel. Was that a hint, you had hoped I would give you mine?
Was that the deciding factor you were going to leave and not come back? The next week we had a date for Saturday, you broke the date telling me you had forgotten about another activitiy you had already planned on going to. I forgave you and you said you would call me on Monday. Tuesday came, and by Wednesday realized you were never going to call me back....
Each day was another day of pain, my heart breaking, life gushing out, as tho, you had left me as road kill along the road of life, never to look back. You left me, and, at a time in my life when I had so many other losses I could not deal with the pain.. I wondered if you were even a real person or a figment of my imagination. Your last day with me, I had taken pictures, they didnt develop. You left a hat, you had NEVER left anything in my apartment, was that a reminder, or just one of your calling cards to the women who love you then leave?
It all seems so hooky reading this now. I hope I NEVER have that kind of pain again, not knowing where you were, what happened to you. Then, strangely enough, a year later when asking online guys if they knew you when I found out they worked where you worked. One telling me you had been involved with a gay woman, trying to get her pregnant because she wanted to have a baby, was this for real?
He even gave me her e-mail address, and, she never admitted sleeping with you, but did say she was a good friend of yours.
Then, she disappeared off line, just as you disappeared out of my life...
After months of agony, wondering what I had done wrong, why you just left me like you did, wondering if I could ever pick up the pieces and walk upright again, if my heart would ever heal.....I finally realized.....YOU had no right to space in my heart, you were not paying rent, you had not made any payments, and, you left with out notice. SOOOO At that point, I had to make amends with my own emotions, and, heal. It took years to get over the rejection, and the fact you just left. Its been almost 8 years now, where ever you are, I hope you have not done the same to other women.
You made me feel so wonderful while you were in my life, made me feel so special, made me want to be a better woman, continue my weight loss, and feeling good about myself for the first time in my life...then...it was gone! My trust in men, my newly found self became different, I knew I wanted to love like I had loved you, I knew i wanted to feel like you made me feel, but, something was different, and its never going to be the same...
You had told me you were a gypsy, a gigalo, now, I know you those were the truths about you.
Not the other things you shared with me. Sometimes I have even wondered if you were the devil in discuise?
JOHN E. DODDS I HOPE YOU NEVER HURT ANOTHER WOMAN AS YOU DID ME!
It was the day after I signed my divorce papers.
You came into my life in such a mysterious way, the phone call to find a flight to Albuquerque, New Mexico. Not finding a good price, and some chit chat, you asked me to dinner. I never expected to truly go out to dinner with you, I figured you would back out before the actual time came along. When you called me to confirm our date I was amazed. Then when you showed up at my door, I was REALLY amazed!
The knock on the door, my stomach bounced all over the place.
I opened the door, those deep blue eyes had me at hello.
OH MY GOD, the most beautiful man I had ever seen is at MY DOOR! I invited you in, you sat across from me, we chatted about my apartment, about your move to Kansas, you told me about your parents in the nursing home in Roswel New Mexico, about your sisters being there to take care of them, about your brother in Colorado, about you being in the Navy and being divorced and not seeing your son for years and years.
See, I took it all in, every word we said to each other. We talked for two hours before deciding to go eat some dinner. We drove clear across town to go to my favorite restaurant and it was TOOOO busy to stand and wait. So we went to another one not so busy. We looked in the paper for a movie to go see.
I even remember what I ate, and what you ate.
We left to go to the movie, walking into the theater we got the tickets then went "window shopping" you took my hand as we were walking thru the halls of the closed mall....pulling me to look at the sporting goods window, then to the jewelry store, each time making fun of me not liking to shop..
During the movie, you took my hand, ran your fingers over each finger, up my arm, making me feel so sensual. Yes I do remember the movie!! But it was difficult to concentrate on the movie when I had this handsome man sitting next to me tenderly touching my fingers, arm, my neck.....
As we walked out to the truck, you pulled me close, then as we got to the truck, you pulled me closer and kissed me. OH THE fireworks were exploding in my head!
You stole my heart that weekend, and for the next 6 weeks you continued to take a little more of my heart and soul. Our last date together was so special, but looking back now, you didnt say "see ya" when you got back into the truck, looking back, you mentioned not having a credit card to rent a car when you would be going back to Roswel. Was that a hint, you had hoped I would give you mine?
Was that the deciding factor you were going to leave and not come back? The next week we had a date for Saturday, you broke the date telling me you had forgotten about another activitiy you had already planned on going to. I forgave you and you said you would call me on Monday. Tuesday came, and by Wednesday realized you were never going to call me back....
Each day was another day of pain, my heart breaking, life gushing out, as tho, you had left me as road kill along the road of life, never to look back. You left me, and, at a time in my life when I had so many other losses I could not deal with the pain.. I wondered if you were even a real person or a figment of my imagination. Your last day with me, I had taken pictures, they didnt develop. You left a hat, you had NEVER left anything in my apartment, was that a reminder, or just one of your calling cards to the women who love you then leave?
It all seems so hooky reading this now. I hope I NEVER have that kind of pain again, not knowing where you were, what happened to you. Then, strangely enough, a year later when asking online guys if they knew you when I found out they worked where you worked. One telling me you had been involved with a gay woman, trying to get her pregnant because she wanted to have a baby, was this for real?
He even gave me her e-mail address, and, she never admitted sleeping with you, but did say she was a good friend of yours.
Then, she disappeared off line, just as you disappeared out of my life...
After months of agony, wondering what I had done wrong, why you just left me like you did, wondering if I could ever pick up the pieces and walk upright again, if my heart would ever heal.....I finally realized.....YOU had no right to space in my heart, you were not paying rent, you had not made any payments, and, you left with out notice. SOOOO At that point, I had to make amends with my own emotions, and, heal. It took years to get over the rejection, and the fact you just left. Its been almost 8 years now, where ever you are, I hope you have not done the same to other women.
You made me feel so wonderful while you were in my life, made me feel so special, made me want to be a better woman, continue my weight loss, and feeling good about myself for the first time in my life...then...it was gone! My trust in men, my newly found self became different, I knew I wanted to love like I had loved you, I knew i wanted to feel like you made me feel, but, something was different, and its never going to be the same...
You had told me you were a gypsy, a gigalo, now, I know you those were the truths about you.
Not the other things you shared with me. Sometimes I have even wondered if you were the devil in discuise?
JOHN E. DODDS I HOPE YOU NEVER HURT ANOTHER WOMAN AS YOU DID ME!
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Be sure to vote in my survey!
I added something new to this blogger thing.
I am just curious to why people blog!
Im also hoping to get some feedback on what others are thinking!
give it a check....VOTE! ==== its down at the bottom :)
you can add a survey to your blog free TOO!
http://www.pollhost.com/join.html
I am just curious to why people blog!
Im also hoping to get some feedback on what others are thinking!
give it a check....VOTE! ==== its down at the bottom :)
you can add a survey to your blog free TOO!
http://www.pollhost.com/join.html
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
blew me away
Last night the door bell rang. WE NEVER have company, so, it almost scared me to answer the door. I turned on the light, looked out the window and there was a smiling face I NEVER expected to see at my door. It was my ex-husband the one who was in prison, whom, I thought was put away for 12-15 years! It had been 4 years and some months since he first went in.
I was so blown away that he was at my door!!! I invited him in, he came in, we hugged, and, it felt so good! (tears in my eyes as I think about it)
He was the love of my life, I had loved him with all my heart and soul when we got married.
I fought tooth and nail for my marrage, but, I could never be thin enough, and never be what his love was....a mind altering experience. He was alcoholic. When I met him, I like millions of other women, thought if I could just love him enough, help him find his "triggers" he would not drink.
WRONG! Knowing he had a mother who displaced her anger for his dad towards him. I just felt as if he could be healed of that pain of not having a supportive mother, he would be able to over come the alcoholism. Being married to him I experienced her harsh tounge, I understood his pain stemming from her bitterness, and, I knew, he was a good person!
I had choose him over my first husband, after 13 1/2 years of marriage to my first marrage partner. Which fell apart after his parents fatefull accident bringing death to the 4 members of his family. I came out of that marrage needing to be needed. Needing to be loved, and cared for.
I left after 13 1/2 years yet again, it must be my breaking point, but, I remember the night I fnally had enough. We had moved to the country, invested every penny we had in a big bird buisness, of EMU's, one that was sweaping the area of "self employed wanna be's" here in our area. Little did I know, his new friend from the next town over, was doing meth, and, that was the beginning of the end.
He started going over to see his friend, and, not coming home until way late, 3 or 4 am, or, staying out in the barn until way late. As I tried to get his attention, talking to him, throwing my body at him. I had walked up behind him, put my breasts upon his back, and asked him to come to bed with me. He totally ignored me. I just walked away, packing my bags the next day. I had 13 years of rejection to his love of beer, now, I didnt know what was going on with him but nothing was making sense! It was as if he had another woman, and I didnt know how to fight anylonger for his love.
It has been almost 10 years since my divorce from him...5 years since seeing him last, and now, here he was at my door. Looking better than he had looked in past years, and....happy to see him, and he was happy to see me!
Now....my partner whom I have lived with for 5 years....is...jealous.....
I was so blown away that he was at my door!!! I invited him in, he came in, we hugged, and, it felt so good! (tears in my eyes as I think about it)
He was the love of my life, I had loved him with all my heart and soul when we got married.
I fought tooth and nail for my marrage, but, I could never be thin enough, and never be what his love was....a mind altering experience. He was alcoholic. When I met him, I like millions of other women, thought if I could just love him enough, help him find his "triggers" he would not drink.
WRONG! Knowing he had a mother who displaced her anger for his dad towards him. I just felt as if he could be healed of that pain of not having a supportive mother, he would be able to over come the alcoholism. Being married to him I experienced her harsh tounge, I understood his pain stemming from her bitterness, and, I knew, he was a good person!
I had choose him over my first husband, after 13 1/2 years of marriage to my first marrage partner. Which fell apart after his parents fatefull accident bringing death to the 4 members of his family. I came out of that marrage needing to be needed. Needing to be loved, and cared for.
I left after 13 1/2 years yet again, it must be my breaking point, but, I remember the night I fnally had enough. We had moved to the country, invested every penny we had in a big bird buisness, of EMU's, one that was sweaping the area of "self employed wanna be's" here in our area. Little did I know, his new friend from the next town over, was doing meth, and, that was the beginning of the end.
He started going over to see his friend, and, not coming home until way late, 3 or 4 am, or, staying out in the barn until way late. As I tried to get his attention, talking to him, throwing my body at him. I had walked up behind him, put my breasts upon his back, and asked him to come to bed with me. He totally ignored me. I just walked away, packing my bags the next day. I had 13 years of rejection to his love of beer, now, I didnt know what was going on with him but nothing was making sense! It was as if he had another woman, and I didnt know how to fight anylonger for his love.
It has been almost 10 years since my divorce from him...5 years since seeing him last, and now, here he was at my door. Looking better than he had looked in past years, and....happy to see him, and he was happy to see me!
Now....my partner whom I have lived with for 5 years....is...jealous.....
Saturday, November 05, 2005
Happy Anniversary Bri & Le
It was a beautiful day, Nov. 5 1994. One of the most beautiful weddings I had ever gone to. Her self designed, hand sewn gown was made of satin overlaid with soft chantilly lace. I enjoyed sewing the pearls on to the bodice of the gown(1 hour before the wedding started) OH what stress!! I standing there with my hair not done, and trying to sew pearls onto the bodice when a sister from the church saw my stress and came in and asked if she could do my hair. Oh Thank you sister! The dress was tea length with which she wore old fashioned cream colored boots. Burgandy floral dresses were worn by the attendants, the guys all got to wear cream linen jackets.As they walked down the isle, her dad with his little girl, the sun showed thru the stained glass windows bringing a rainbow down to the alter. It was as tho God was inviting them to worship HIM right there, right then. It was such a blessing.
After the reception we all went outside with 1000 balloons to be let loose in the Kansas wind. It was awesome to watch them being wisped away, pearl cream, burgundy, and forest green filled the sky.
It seems so long ago, she was just a tiny babe in my arms, now she is a wife, a mommy, a nurse, my daughter, my friend. She chose Nov. 5th to honor her grandma and grandpa, they were so proud. Grandma didnt get to meet her great granddaughter, she would have been so excited.
Happy Anniversary, Bri & Le, I love you so.
In Honor of my parents Anniversary Nov. 5 1942
He was leaving for the Army it was Nov. 5 1942, there was no time for a wedding, and no money for anything more thana quick wedding in Sterling Kansas, married by my mothers Uncle Ben who was a minister. Her sister was the maiden of Honor and I dont even know who stood up with my dad. Perhaps, my mom's brother inlaw? I dont know!
He left for Ft. Riley the next day, and, she went home to live with his parents. The German's out in the country. Mother worked as a waitress in town, and she would catch a ride into town with whomever was going that way. My grandparents didnt care for her, she was a poor farmers daughter, who didnt bring any money into the family. They wouldnt speak English when she was around, and, when her sisters came to visit her they would not let them come into the house.
She lived in this hostile environment for two years before my dad got out of the Army. She said it was the worst two years of her life. Sadly to say, she didnt talk about it much, except to say, if my dad's brother had not walked in to the barn one day, she might have not been alive. As she was pushed off the hay loft by my grandpa. She was pregnant, and lost the baby. One of three miscarrages she had.
When my dad got out of the Army, they rented a farm about a mile away. He tried his hand at farming my grandpa's ground along with his brothers. He didnt last at farming, he left and moved to Potwin Kansas where he landed a job with Vicker's Refinery. They were married 10 years before adopting me. My mom passed away on Jan. 18, 1996. My dad passed away on Sept. 3, 2003. My daughter got married on their 52nd anniversary.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Feeling so much better!
EFT Guide
I have been feeling so much better since taking the class on Emotional Freedom Technique. Everyone should look into it and try it.
I will be first to admit as I was taking the class, I thought it seemed rather hokie, but, after trying it that night before going to bed, I WAS HOOKED!
Its been 3 weeks, I am sleeping better, and emotionally, I am not allowing the crap at home drag me down. As you can see, I have even started writing more in my blog other than dulldrumbs and boring nothings!
THANKS GARY CRAIG for the EFT program, and Dr. Mercola for providing the website to the training.
go check it out...it WORKS....
I have been feeling so much better since taking the class on Emotional Freedom Technique. Everyone should look into it and try it.
I will be first to admit as I was taking the class, I thought it seemed rather hokie, but, after trying it that night before going to bed, I WAS HOOKED!
Its been 3 weeks, I am sleeping better, and emotionally, I am not allowing the crap at home drag me down. As you can see, I have even started writing more in my blog other than dulldrumbs and boring nothings!
THANKS GARY CRAIG for the EFT program, and Dr. Mercola for providing the website to the training.
go check it out...it WORKS....
Immigrant grandparents
After meeting my new friend Christina (Kweet) who is in the Philipines, and her mom living here in the States, I have a new appreciation of immigrants and what they go thru emotionally. It made me start thinking about my dads family once again. I have tried to write about them in other postings, but, will try a bit better this time. Try not to be so fractured in my writings....I promise to stay more FOCUSED! HAHA....
The picture is of William and Doretta Budde, taken sometime after 1909. They came to America from Germany, sometime in the late 1800's. Early in their lives, grandpa being something like 17, and the story has it, grandma came when she was 15. Both, leaving their parents and families. Not having computers, or even phones to keep in touch. Going to a new unknown land, how exciting, and frightening it must have been!
I have a few old letters which were salvaged from my Aunts home when she passed away, written in old style German language, very difficult for anyone to read. It is our only written link to the past....
It is not known if they knew each other before coming to the states but, they got married in Norborn Missouri. Grandpa had a brother in Illinois, I have pictures taken back in the 40's of him and his family but dont know anything about them.
Grandma and grandpa Budde came to Kansas with a horse and wagon, lived on a farm close to Winfield Kansas area for a few years before moving to the plot of ground they homesteaded 3 miles east of Newton Kansas. They raised their family of 12 living children, one baby died in Norborn, making a total of 13 children.
For what ever reason, no one really knows much about their life before coming to America as it was never passed down to the children. My dad, being the youngest of all the children, was 83 when he died in 2002. He hardly ever spoke of his mom or dad, and never shared much about his life as a child. My cousin's have had much of the same from their parents, not having much shared with them either, our heritage, a past, forgotten.
My grandfather William was born in 1864, they celebrated a 50th wedding anniversary, grandmother died I think in 1948 or 49, granddad died in 1953, a year after I was born. I found many pictures in my parents home which had been kept for safe keeping in a suitcase, as in many homes Im sure. They were un-named and nothing is known about the people in the pictures. Oh how I wish, I would have taken the time to go thru pictures when my mom was still living.
This picture,was taken on the farm on which they homesteaded. It was taken sometime after 1909 after the barn was built, which is still standing today in 2005. It has been taken care of re-painted and a wonderful new door on the hay loft with the family names and years written on it. I need to go take a picture of the barn, but, it sits on the land where my only living uncle still lives ....behind the "guards" of alot of the emotional pain in my life. Meaning, his daughter and I dont seem to be able to relate and commune, carrying down the pain from the first generation, now to our generation. I know I am bigger than all of this, but, for what ever reason, this past year has been hell, and, it has just been too difficult for me to go face the monsters in my closets....
It seems there has been a lot of pain, emotional shut downs, and denial in a family who could have been so rich in history but unfortunatly nothing is there now. It makes me so sad when I think that the past is all but buried. The only uncle who is still living, the middle child of the 13, is old, feeble, and, one of the main causes of pain in my dads life. It has been very difficult for me to go to my cousin and try to heal the past.
I will write more later, for now...just enjoy....your day, your family, and dont let your family history be buried with the last generation...
letter from Grandmother
this is a letter I found in my dads drawer when I was closing out his house after his death. I dont know if it is a letter from his mother, or my moms grandmother.
I had some friends from Germany translate it, but, with as unorganized as my life has been, I have lost the translation! It said something about when I die, give me a few flowers and be prepared in life to see me in your after life, or something to that sorts. I cant imagine my dads mother being that religious, but my moms grandmother would have been more likely to have said that.
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