my surgate mom

My mom's cousin, had surgery today. She is 86, and, when I was little, I always wished she was my mom. We would go visit her and her husband and two daughters and as soon as i would hear my mom or dad say it was time to get ready to leave, I would hide. I didnt want to go home. I had such fun at their house. She talked to me like a person, she didnt talk down to me, and, she was the only person in my whole life that told me I was pretty. My cousin was like a sister I never had, and, she and I just had so much fun playing outside, climbing trees, running as fast was we could from the neighbor boys, riding horses, playing with her dinosaurs, going swimming, or roller skating. I remember hiding under the bed and my hair got caught on the springs. My mom was NOT happy with me, and, had to climb under to get my hair loose...I believe there was a pair of scissors used to release me from that bed spring! Yet, when my cousin would come to my house to stay the night, my parents always had to take her home at 10 because she would be crying to go home! Here I cried because I didnt want to go home, and she cried because she did. Then I would cry because I didnt want her to go home with out me!

Anyway, when my mom died, her cousin was living in Arkansas and didnt come home for the funeral. Then a couple of years later, her and her husband moved back to my hometown, and, never once came to visit my dad infact, never even let him know they had moved back!!! He had to find out from my moms sister. That hurt him and me terribly. He was so very lonely after mother died, no one visited him, he would go visit others but, being the non verbal person he was, it was difficult for him to "visit". Ultimatly quit going to see people. He sat at home alone after I moved away, and, dwindled away. My biggest regret is moving away and not being here for him. Even tho I moved home before he died, I only had less than a year with him.
Getting back to my mom's cousin. I asked her once to go see daddy, he was so lonely and would love to see her. She just flat said, "oh, I just cant stand to go see him with your mother not being there" That hurt me so very much. 6 months after daddy died, her husband of 59 years, died and left her so "lonely" it was another 9 months before I could go see her. THe hurt in my heart from how she wouldnt go see daddy was just more than I could forgive at that time. I worked thru it, and forgave her. Then got busy with work, painting house, emotional depression etc. It took me until this past August to finally go see her. I went to see her again last week. She was so frail and weak. She said she had a dr appointment the next day, which ended up keeping her in hospital. Her heart is basically shot, and she has already had 2 bypass surgeries. Today they did the roter rooter thing on one artery, the other is blocked completely. I dont know if she will make it thru this ordeal. I am so sorry I didnt go see her more often. If she makes it thru, I will be better at going to visit her. Its just so difficult to see the people I have loved dying, there are not many left, just when I get attached, they leave me.
I wonder if that is why it was so difficult for me to get "attached" to my parents?
I was strong when they were dying, almost as tho I was emotionally detatched.
I miss them terribly, and I wish I would have done things differently, but, I dont remember having fear, or anxiety, or alot of real pain when they died, or is it that I have had so much loss in my life, by the time they left me I was just used to it?
Being alone in life is something I have just always been, so, now, as more and more people die, it just leaves me knowing that being alone is just a way of life.
My fear is that I will not allow myself the pleasure of spending time with her, because I wont want to get attached, and feel the pain when she does die...
but, I know the pain of regret is even worse, so, I know I will go see her more!
Guess that took care of that didnt it :)
ok, time for bed....i have to work again tomorrow.
Then, get things ready for my son to come home from Colorado. I cant wait to see him and his girlfriend, we always have a good time when they are here.

Happy Thanksgiving!