Today is the day

I will be having dinner today with my kids, my ex, my live in, and mygranddaughter
for the first time in 10 years.

My first 1/3 of my life was put out to my parents, my 1st husband, my children, being married at 17, and becoming a mother at 20. I didnt have a clue to how to make a husband happy and be a fun mommy because I was trying so hard to please my parents, and give them what they wanted to see. A happy wife and mother, just like they set out for me. BUT!!! NO ONE WAS HAPPY!!!!

walking in the door, hearing my mom crying, I would walk in to the living room to see her sitting on the chair in the corner, crying. "whats wrong mommy?"
to which she would say something about a headache, and rush me out of the door to the neighbors house.
Anna and Ralph were more like my grandparents than my real grandma and grandpa.
They were the ones who took me outside and played, made mud pies, and talked to me.
I dont remember what they said, but, I always felt loved by them. I dont know if they ever told me that they loved me, but, they just seemed so happy to see me when I would get there.

I couldnt wait to see my dads truck coming down the street. I would run down to catch a ride with the other men crowded on the truck. 2 on the side rails, and two in the back of his truck. Maybe more along the way, but there they all came, barroling down that street in the Old Blue 1949 Ford....and I catching my ride home!
I can remember one time, I wanted to wear my daddy's clothes he had from his childhood. I wanted to excite him, let him see me in his clothes and maybe get excited to talk to me, but....he all he said, "yup that is what your daddy used to wear". Welp, like I knew that, I wanted to know more! I wanted to know what it was like when he was little, what he liked as a kid in school, but, all he ever said was how they worked so hard, didnt get to play much.


Maybe that is why he always let me go out to play, so I wouldnt feel like I had to work. They surely didnt make me do any work. I didnt have to clean my room, mother would yell at me and bitch at me about not cleaning, but, it didnt bother me to have a messy room, why was it a bother to her. As I look back now, how disrespectful I was! oh Mother I wish I could tell you how so sorry I am for being such a bratttt!!!
I would begrudgingly clean it, but, it was never CLEAN! I mean get rid of crap, wash down woodwork, clean out closets, etc......but yet I cleaned houses for a living! and i HATED IT< BUT IT WAS MONEY!!!!how in HELL does one make a living doing something they enjoy????????

Mother was very dependent on what other people thought of her, and her apperence was very important to her. She and her sisters just had to dress nice in public, never sloppy. I can understand why mother was disappointed in me, I didnt take an interest in how I looked, she didnt like me wearing jeans. She would MAKE ME wear a dress, even tho I would cry and moan about it, I would wear it, then, as soon as we went out to play, I was in my jeans no matter what!!!
She basically let me do what ever I wanted, I think because she was a fraid of a confrontation with me. I was a strong willed child, and she was a push over for
not saying NO and meaning it, Im sure, after seeing my granddaughter throw her temper tantrums, Im sure....I was most probably the same way!!

Because she was so into what people thought and what people expected of her.
I dont think she was happy in her marriage, and in those days, they didnt even think about a divorce. She couldnt stand to be the black sheep of the family to be the rebelious one.

BUT SHE WAS!!
She was the one who worked in a restaurant, and put on lipstick, walking down the street, her daddy saw her and came up and washed her face right their on main street.
She was so humiliated but never wore it again until she got married. Mother ....
she seemed happy to other people, she laughed, but never really just let go.
She liked to keep a little wine made up, but after she quit making wine, they quit drinking it because, now, I can see she was too embarressed to go into the store and get it, and daddy couldnt read, so he wouldnt go. I never ever thought about that until right now.
So she did with out her wine all those years because of fear of being seen going into the liquor store. That is what this town is all about. Not doing something others will see you doing, and then talk about you for doing....
I know Im rambling here but it is coming together.
My life has been such a shambles, and, I havent been able to make sense of ANYTHING for so long.

I have walked around like a zombie, in lala land, not knowing what the FUCK IM DOING!
I would go to person after person asking for advice, asking to listen to me, asking for some sort of validation that I even exist. ..... and I DONT!

It has become very clear to me, my kids came home from Colorado, and, unless we take out the wine and a little mind unwinding we dont do much communication at all.
Yesterday when they got here, they came in all happy and joyfull. Nothing like what we were 10 years ago. We had 3 hours to talk. Brother did I break down and talk. Told them everything that has been happening for the past 10 years, and, after a while, he had to go "see friends" enough of listening to mom!
AFter 1 more hour, his girlfriend decided it was time to call him to come home and get her so she could see his friends too.....meaning she had enough of me too..

BUT at least we sat and talked to 3 hours!
Today instead of sticking around here, they had to run off to a movie....now that one kind of pissed me off because its not like they cant watch movies back in colorado. It just makes me think that I was such a bad mom that they dont even care to be around me?
When they were teenagers they didnt want to be around either.
They were off partying with their friends, or, didnt want to be home seeing my ex drunk and passed out on the floor.

This is just so jumbled up, I hope I can make sense of it later!

I have not had time to just sit and think things thru, or rethink my past.
When our parents try to talk to us about their past, it is the only time they get to talk about it, then, we never learn anything about our heritage.
They dont want to listen to me because its been so depressing.
I dont have fun stories to talk about, only things that were painfull.
Who wants to listen to that?
Kids forsure dont!

Well, my ex just stopped in to tell me he wasnt coming to dinner tonight.
MAJOR BUMMER, IT wasnt important enough for him to want to come see the kids, and the granddaughter, whom he had not seen for 10 years+
Now I am really sad. I really wanted him to come and be a part of our "extended" family but I guess he isnt ready for it, or just doesnt care ????
I Want to talk to him, I want to know what happened right before I left him, why things went so weird, if there was another woman, or just his drugs?????
I just want to know if I made a difference in his life, of, if I wasted those 13 1/2 years loving him with nothing coming back my way.

I loved him so much, I didnt want the divorce but I didnt know how to make our marrage work anylonger. He was doing things I never knew about, and I just thought he was drinking more and more. I finally walked out.
the night I remember making the decision to leave, he was on his computer
doing what ever he did on it at that time. I walked in and put my shirt over his head and rubbed my boobs against the back of his neck and said, "how about coming to bed with me?" He basically blew me off, he never came to bed until after 3am, and I had to be up at 6am, I never even let him know I was STILL awake.
The next morning, I got up, put my clothes on, packed a suit case and said I would be back at another time after my things. I left. to start over again.

Now, 10 years later, he has been into and back out of prison, and, we finally were going to have time to talk....but, I guess not...not now.

But he cant come, said he is going to see the mother of his son, whom she had right after he went into prison. I dont know what their relationship is now but, I know he definately didnt want to be here.
It hurts.


but life goes on.....