Friday, December 17, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Hiding
When I was probably 4 or 5 my folks went to visit my mom's favorite cousin, I dont remember growing up going there it was just one of those things we started doing....they had a daughter my age, well about 9 months older than me. I always felt as tho she was my sister, but, I think it was only in my heart.
As we grew up, I dreaded going home each time I would hide, my favorite place was in this hamper....
I would also hide under the bed....one night I got my hair caught on the bed spring, and my mom cut my hair to get me out....
My hope was that my mom wouldnt find me and leave me there. Sometimes it won me a over night stay, but other times it got me a spanking and told to get into the car......was it a spanking?
I dont remember....
I just know, I hated living with my adopted parents, I just wish I could figure out why...
Recently, this cousins mom sold her personal property so she could go live in an assisted living property. The first thing I was bidding on was a big flower pot. I went to load it in my car and an older woman was lifting it up to put it in her cart. I said oh how sweet are you going to load it in my car for me? She looked at me in distain and said " i bought this, its mine" Well....I had to go check on who bought it...she did....I bought....a hamper...which...I had hidden in years ago.....now, my granddaughter can hid in it, and she is 9....I surely cant remember the two of us hiding in it at 9 but I do wonder how old I was when I found the sanctuary of a hamper from my mom....
Friday, July 16, 2010
Time does fly
My Grandma used to tell me when I went to her house and was bored....
"you just wait until you grow old....time flies so fast"
hot damn gram was right!!!!
i dont remember learning alot from my grandma, but she was sure right about time flying when I got old...I have never felt young, and full of joy, except maybe in my first 12 years...but have few memories about child hood, teen years, married early, and
tonight had the AW HA moment....
Each life I have lived has been hoping someone would make me happy...
wanting a boy in first grade to make me happy....
he finally did and my mom made me give his gift back....
I found him on face book, and after 52 years, he didnt remember me, didnt even know "we" had a thing for 3 years....because, it was in my heart, not his....wow how defleeting that was!
As my childhood was played out feeling sad and left out most of the time, knowing the other girls were having fun together while i was at home feeling sad....
I spent a lot f years in my room, hoping the fairies would come out of my closet and allow me into their life....
hearing the mice scamper thru the walls, oh how it scared me...
going to school seemed to be the place I enjoyed being at, but yet so rejected too.
I always felt like the dufas of the class...
I wanted to be one of the crowd, but never quite fit in....
I would call the girls to ask what they were wearing to school, they woud tell me leotards
i would wear mine, and they showed up in socks .....I was set up and went home so crushed....
Hoping to find happiness, a perverbial carrot before me with a trail of tears and fat....
As I learned the rejection game well, and became the victim of it...
food found me and i devoured it with glee.
Looking for love in all the wrong places, gave me a boost, knowing what i wanted in love
was nothing i had ever thought about....i jumped ship for the first time
while i was sinking in a deep hole of depression....
Leaving my two children with my husband of 14 1/2 years and had gone with him a year and half before we got married, I was only 17 getting married. WTF did I know about love?
Marriage is something sacred, and beautiful, if....you find that one to love for ever....
I had no idea what I wanted in life, with a man, all I knew I felt good with him....at the time, it was not the deep feel good, it was the sexual feel good...and wow does that die out fast....
KNowing nothing more than the need to feel sexual, I went for what I knew I could have if I married this guy....We had never even takled about how many kids, if we wanted kids....
or how we would live our life, what his plans were, or what my dreams were....wow
how young and dumb and in lust!!!
Allowing myself to be used sexually by a boy who was 21, I was 17 and knew nothing about love, lust, sex, having babies, paying bills, or even cooking and buying groceries!!!!
Sex wears out and the lust wears off, nothing to keep us together except two wonderful kids which I walked away from...along with the life we had built together...which was all about him....
40 years later, walking along the dusty roads in the wilderness
alot of regrets, not many joys, many sorrows...
i just want to live before I die....
is that the promised land?
Is that the carrot beyond the olden years?
to want to live that long
I never thought I would live this long, or I would have taken better care of my body
is not funny anymore.....along with "help I have fallen, and cant get up" oh no
the fear of falling is now upon me in every walk....
I honestly do not know If I will live long enough to learn to enjoy life
the work has been hard
the labor has been difficult
and the journey winding
but knowing without a vision my people shall parish
oh give me a dream
where my life can become complete...
Come, walk with me, give me your hand, I dont want to lead
I dont want to follow
Just walk with me and see where we can learn to be I....
When I allow someone to take my picture in a bathing suit
I will have finally become happy with me...
"you just wait until you grow old....time flies so fast"
hot damn gram was right!!!!
i dont remember learning alot from my grandma, but she was sure right about time flying when I got old...I have never felt young, and full of joy, except maybe in my first 12 years...but have few memories about child hood, teen years, married early, and
tonight had the AW HA moment....
Each life I have lived has been hoping someone would make me happy...
wanting a boy in first grade to make me happy....
he finally did and my mom made me give his gift back....
I found him on face book, and after 52 years, he didnt remember me, didnt even know "we" had a thing for 3 years....because, it was in my heart, not his....wow how defleeting that was!
As my childhood was played out feeling sad and left out most of the time, knowing the other girls were having fun together while i was at home feeling sad....
I spent a lot f years in my room, hoping the fairies would come out of my closet and allow me into their life....
hearing the mice scamper thru the walls, oh how it scared me...
going to school seemed to be the place I enjoyed being at, but yet so rejected too.
I always felt like the dufas of the class...
I wanted to be one of the crowd, but never quite fit in....
I would call the girls to ask what they were wearing to school, they woud tell me leotards
i would wear mine, and they showed up in socks .....I was set up and went home so crushed....
Hoping to find happiness, a perverbial carrot before me with a trail of tears and fat....
As I learned the rejection game well, and became the victim of it...
food found me and i devoured it with glee.
Looking for love in all the wrong places, gave me a boost, knowing what i wanted in love
was nothing i had ever thought about....i jumped ship for the first time
while i was sinking in a deep hole of depression....
Leaving my two children with my husband of 14 1/2 years and had gone with him a year and half before we got married, I was only 17 getting married. WTF did I know about love?
Marriage is something sacred, and beautiful, if....you find that one to love for ever....
I had no idea what I wanted in life, with a man, all I knew I felt good with him....at the time, it was not the deep feel good, it was the sexual feel good...and wow does that die out fast....
KNowing nothing more than the need to feel sexual, I went for what I knew I could have if I married this guy....We had never even takled about how many kids, if we wanted kids....
or how we would live our life, what his plans were, or what my dreams were....wow
how young and dumb and in lust!!!
Allowing myself to be used sexually by a boy who was 21, I was 17 and knew nothing about love, lust, sex, having babies, paying bills, or even cooking and buying groceries!!!!
Sex wears out and the lust wears off, nothing to keep us together except two wonderful kids which I walked away from...along with the life we had built together...which was all about him....
40 years later, walking along the dusty roads in the wilderness
alot of regrets, not many joys, many sorrows...
i just want to live before I die....
is that the promised land?
Is that the carrot beyond the olden years?
to want to live that long
I never thought I would live this long, or I would have taken better care of my body
is not funny anymore.....along with "help I have fallen, and cant get up" oh no
the fear of falling is now upon me in every walk....
I honestly do not know If I will live long enough to learn to enjoy life
the work has been hard
the labor has been difficult
and the journey winding
but knowing without a vision my people shall parish
oh give me a dream
where my life can become complete...
Come, walk with me, give me your hand, I dont want to lead
I dont want to follow
Just walk with me and see where we can learn to be I....
When I allow someone to take my picture in a bathing suit
I will have finally become happy with me...
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Loosing
for 40+ years I have been over weight
trying to find happiness
following the American dream
thinking as a teenager Marriage was going to bring all my dreams come true
but wait....what was my dream?
to have a nice home, loving husband, and beautiful children....
damn, where did it all go wrong......
trying to find happiness
following the American dream
thinking as a teenager Marriage was going to bring all my dreams come true
but wait....what was my dream?
to have a nice home, loving husband, and beautiful children....
damn, where did it all go wrong......
Friday, February 26, 2010
Lost Viewers
For all of you "lost" viewers, here is a great blog with discussion
I have been lost for so long
kind of like being out in the wilderness
trying to fit in all my life
and never quite being there.
I was raised by two people who loved me very much
but, they loved me too much to alow me to learn
the lessons of life I needed to survive.
Life for a spoiled brat is hell on earth
Dont be afraid to give some discipline
with true meaning.
A child who never hears no, with meaning, always plays to find the yes....
Lord Forgive me for being so stuborn.
Hell hath no fury like a fucked up mother....
Lost, why is it I have felt so lost, so left out, so alone, and so unaccepted all of my life, when I actually had parents who loved me, and only wanted the best for me.
Why has my life been so screwed up, and messed up, wandering around in the darkness
feeling like a child in the skin of Helen Keller, who, was one of my few Idols as a child. And look how her blindess gave her sight.
To help the blind see
Being adopted is a gift from God, to a woman who cries at night feeling so empty because her loving arms have nothing to hold, and little to give.
Children who are concieved of lust, uncontrolled sex, out of wedlock, bastard child,
son of a bitch name given, how many names have been called.
How much crying can one child do.....
Going down the road of trying to be that perfect child, the one that was an answer to prayer......giving the best, giving the prayers, giving the thanks,
dedicating the child,
guided to church,
given a choice....
taken away
to a place so not understood
a place full of ritual
words not understood
sometime some where
steps were taken
down a path unknown
Married at 17 to get out of the home, away from all the "love"
no memories are there
other than friends who were desired to have that life
away from the HOME
Everything was given
every desire to please
everything was earned
with goodbehavior and good grades
promises of having that
material gain
I have been lost for so long
kind of like being out in the wilderness
trying to fit in all my life
and never quite being there.
I was raised by two people who loved me very much
but, they loved me too much to alow me to learn
the lessons of life I needed to survive.
Life for a spoiled brat is hell on earth
Dont be afraid to give some discipline
with true meaning.
A child who never hears no, with meaning, always plays to find the yes....
Lord Forgive me for being so stuborn.
Hell hath no fury like a fucked up mother....
Lost, why is it I have felt so lost, so left out, so alone, and so unaccepted all of my life, when I actually had parents who loved me, and only wanted the best for me.
Why has my life been so screwed up, and messed up, wandering around in the darkness
feeling like a child in the skin of Helen Keller, who, was one of my few Idols as a child. And look how her blindess gave her sight.
To help the blind see
Being adopted is a gift from God, to a woman who cries at night feeling so empty because her loving arms have nothing to hold, and little to give.
Children who are concieved of lust, uncontrolled sex, out of wedlock, bastard child,
son of a bitch name given, how many names have been called.
How much crying can one child do.....
Going down the road of trying to be that perfect child, the one that was an answer to prayer......giving the best, giving the prayers, giving the thanks,
dedicating the child,
guided to church,
given a choice....
taken away
to a place so not understood
a place full of ritual
words not understood
sometime some where
steps were taken
down a path unknown
Married at 17 to get out of the home, away from all the "love"
no memories are there
other than friends who were desired to have that life
away from the HOME
Everything was given
every desire to please
everything was earned
with goodbehavior and good grades
promises of having that
material gain
Saturday, February 06, 2010
Mystery and Passion of the Knights Templars : inTerjeCted
Mystery and Passion of the Knights Templars : inTerjeCted
as I have said many times before Im an open book,
ill probably be hung out to dry with things I say here but no one reads it anyway so
......
I think the web is a good place for people to meet up online
find those who are of the same thought
sameness, a world in search of who
what and when
is the hobbit
the continuation of the story of.....
as I have said many times before Im an open book,
ill probably be hung out to dry with things I say here but no one reads it anyway so
......
I think the web is a good place for people to meet up online
find those who are of the same thought
sameness, a world in search of who
what and when
is the hobbit
the continuation of the story of.....
Sunday, January 31, 2010
bEing a gRandparent
If ever there was a day I needed to have my grandkids here it was today.
Im thankful they were able to come stay.
Im afraid my g'daughter is too bored, but yet she seems to have a good time....
I try to engage her into conversation but she doesnt seem interested in anything I want to talk to her about and when I ask her questions she rarely has an answer, nor aability to talk to me about it. She is 9, and has been sheltered her entire life
I was the same way, and I rebeled and paid the price for it. I dont want to see her end up the same way, her mom didnt want to listen to me, why would a granddaughter want to either. Her mom did turn out good but she had to follow the route I took and have her consequences hit her in the face. I have had them hit me in the face many times. However, I do not know what I did to deserve most of the times I have been hit. I would gladly admit, and ask for forgiveness If someone would come forth and convict me of my sins, so I could move on. There are plenty of mistakes I have made which were of my own doing but there were so many others that I do not believe were mine. such as the death of 4 lovely people who were taken out of our lives when we probably needed them the most....wiped out in a second....
wiping out more than their lives but our whole family, by a semi, taking them out and damaging many others. If I could just understand why.....Its not for us to know at this time, but some how someday, I hope to understand why it all had to happen.
Most of the persons I have loved in my life have died, and it makes me sad, to know that the one who has had some of the most influence in my life died Thursday. I have to face the fact that I didnt go visit her in the nursing home because of my own pain of seeing her there, and loosing so many others before her I just couldnt deal with going and seeing her slipping away ......Pauline.....please forgive me.....
Im thankful they were able to come stay.
Im afraid my g'daughter is too bored, but yet she seems to have a good time....
I try to engage her into conversation but she doesnt seem interested in anything I want to talk to her about and when I ask her questions she rarely has an answer, nor aability to talk to me about it. She is 9, and has been sheltered her entire life
I was the same way, and I rebeled and paid the price for it. I dont want to see her end up the same way, her mom didnt want to listen to me, why would a granddaughter want to either. Her mom did turn out good but she had to follow the route I took and have her consequences hit her in the face. I have had them hit me in the face many times. However, I do not know what I did to deserve most of the times I have been hit. I would gladly admit, and ask for forgiveness If someone would come forth and convict me of my sins, so I could move on. There are plenty of mistakes I have made which were of my own doing but there were so many others that I do not believe were mine. such as the death of 4 lovely people who were taken out of our lives when we probably needed them the most....wiped out in a second....
wiping out more than their lives but our whole family, by a semi, taking them out and damaging many others. If I could just understand why.....Its not for us to know at this time, but some how someday, I hope to understand why it all had to happen.
Most of the persons I have loved in my life have died, and it makes me sad, to know that the one who has had some of the most influence in my life died Thursday. I have to face the fact that I didnt go visit her in the nursing home because of my own pain of seeing her there, and loosing so many others before her I just couldnt deal with going and seeing her slipping away ......Pauline.....please forgive me.....
Monday, January 11, 2010
Time moves faster
I cannot believe it has been so long since I posted on my blog, it used to be my daily diary of such. Maybe since there is no feedback, no body checking in with me, that I lost interest of writing but nonetheless im back. I had some trouble logging in guess it has been a long while since I have been here!
After 10 years of divorce, and now, Two NewYears days have gone by since my ex moved back in, needing a place to live since he basically screwed up his life so well, he has no place else to stay. He was here things went great till June the first year, then it all fell apart in one simple sentence. Have you ever said something that you wish you could take back......I did, and it was over, the bliss we had lived with for 5 months, it was over in one quick swift moment.
Two years have passed, he has come and gone many times in those two years, but, he keeps coming back, and I keep taking him back. What is it all about, I dont have a clue, but I do know we are getting along well, knowing we care for each other, and both need each other.
Situations have come up that neither of us could control, and life seemed to just bulldoze its way to bring us back together pushing and pulling until the wave of surrender came from with in. Ok now, Lord we are back together but for what purpose?
Our interests are so different, we seem to have nothing in common, and knowing each other as well as we do, there doesnt seem to be a lot to talk about. What is the purpose for relationships, other than to have a soft place to fall when we are in need?
Life goes on at a pace somedays I cant keep up with, other days, slower than mollasses and try swimming thru that for a change!
till the next post, who knows what will bring me back, but, i do wish there was another out there to connect with, isnt that what the soul searches for continually?
After 10 years of divorce, and now, Two NewYears days have gone by since my ex moved back in, needing a place to live since he basically screwed up his life so well, he has no place else to stay. He was here things went great till June the first year, then it all fell apart in one simple sentence. Have you ever said something that you wish you could take back......I did, and it was over, the bliss we had lived with for 5 months, it was over in one quick swift moment.
Two years have passed, he has come and gone many times in those two years, but, he keeps coming back, and I keep taking him back. What is it all about, I dont have a clue, but I do know we are getting along well, knowing we care for each other, and both need each other.
Situations have come up that neither of us could control, and life seemed to just bulldoze its way to bring us back together pushing and pulling until the wave of surrender came from with in. Ok now, Lord we are back together but for what purpose?
Our interests are so different, we seem to have nothing in common, and knowing each other as well as we do, there doesnt seem to be a lot to talk about. What is the purpose for relationships, other than to have a soft place to fall when we are in need?
Life goes on at a pace somedays I cant keep up with, other days, slower than mollasses and try swimming thru that for a change!
till the next post, who knows what will bring me back, but, i do wish there was another out there to connect with, isnt that what the soul searches for continually?
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