lacking of vision and purpose

i just lack vision in my life, never really having a purpose. my passion went into the bbq, and, now, i feel totally with out passion, or vision. I know, we are to keep our eyes upon jesus, but, when i havent even really seen Jesus, it is hard to keep my eyes on someone I dont relaly know. i only know him thru what i have learned in church, reading, and knowing people like you, and dreiers, I have my own believes, but, they are so far off from anything I have been taught. Sometimes i just feel as tho im a total alien. If i were to really say what is in my heart and my thoughts, you nor anyone else would have anything to do with me. you have listened to my weird wayout ideas, and been so kind...but sometimes, i just feel so totally out there. maybe i need some drug, anti depressent, or something to keep my feet on ground...haha i know i came to florida for a reason, and, im BOUND AND DETERMINDED TO FIGURE OUT WHY!!! cuz this place really SUX! even more than NEWTON if that is beleivable, but, .....at least it has made me appreciate Newton! for its weirdness....it is far better than this place! Just have not figured out how to make a living....nothing appeals to me, and, being my own boss just doesnt work.... working a dead end job taking money from customers all day seems to be about the only thing around here that will hire me, so, i guess if im going to be a zombie, i need an easy way of just standing there taking money all day.... ARGH! boy am i doing a good job or what! just my ranting....
Some nights are better than others, just depends on the frame of mind im in, the spirit of things.....there, that seems to be the whole matter of fact in anyones life, which spirit is their ruler?
Who rules who?
Religion, I ran from a deeply religious area, hoping to be away from the influence.
The influence of what?
their prejudices, their insecurities, their need to control what they dont understand?
now, being in a land of .....on the highway, life seems normal, like mosst of the united states , but the interior of this state is ruled by the gun, by desires of keeping their own laws, and doing their own thing, but, what is their own thing?