arms of an angel

It would feel so good to climb up into the arms of an angel, allow them to hold me, let me listen to their heart beat, feel safe, feel loved....again....
being so far from the love of anyone is the loneliest place to be.
Oh to be loved again...
or, have i ever really even been loved?
I know I have loved, but, Im not sure they loved me back, it was more of availability, someone to be with, someone to fill that need at the time.
When I see a couple together and they are truly in love, I think, wow, what a blessing to have a real love from both sides of the party.

I would love to have a lover once again, someone to look forward to seeing, someone who looks into my eyes, tells me he cares about me, some to tell me things i have never heard before.
When a woman reaches the age i have reached we become invisable, no one looks, no one cares.
oh how i miss crawling into bed with the urge of raging sexual lust, but those days are gone, never to see them again.

To touch the chest of a man, run my fingers thru his hair on his chest.
reaching my arms around his body, feeling his biceps, feeling his loins against mine...

Tears fall from my eyes at the thought of those days being gone never to be there again.
Knowing those things are gone from my life. Knowing I will never have those feelings again...I morn my future, I cry at night, in the aloneness of my bed, hugging the pillow out of desire of missing a man on my side.

Being around 300 men yesterday brought me to the reality of my invisableness.
My inability to ever be able to have a man look at me with desire again.
As each one came thru the line to be fed, some good looking, some not, some older with weathered wrinkles in their faces, some younger with hope in their eyes, each one with a story of their own. I couldnt help but look at their hands to see if they had a ring on their married finger.
Some did, some didnt...some spoke, some just wanted their food.

Life hands us each a different cup, and, I dont understand why some of us can not figure out how to fill it, and others seem to have over flowing cups all of the time.

Since the men are all workers of the railroad, getting paid big bucks, and to hear them complain about things that were going on, I just wanted to scream at them, telling them to be thankfull for their jobs, and their lot in life...

I have entered the realms of those who dont know where the next dollar is coming from, and, it is scarier than hell!