ok, so now what, boy do I say that alot...

some days, I just guess life is not supposed to make sense!

If we dont walk the straight and narrow lane, is life not supposed to be an adventure?
are we not supposed to live life to the fullest?
does that not mean, we will make mistakes, we will do bad things, we will not always know how to fix what we fucked up?

BUT<>

some people learn earlier in life....
some people do right most of their life....
I remember the struggle I had with my first adulterous adventure....
I knew it was wrong, but, I couldlnt live in what was supposed to be blessed by God, and family and friends.....
I did what I thought I was supposed to do, I went to minister, I went to councelor, I went to husband, I did not go to family, or friends, altho, friends knew I was in trouble, having problems making my life feel right in marrage.

divorce was not as acceptable back then, but, my grandparents died, and i felt more freedom to get divorced.
I prayed for an open door, a way out, the money came in, the doors were open, a place to live was provided, and, it was ok to leave.

Things happened too fast, so smooth, and the children were hurt as minorly as possible, altho, there was pain for our children, but, I can only hope it was the least amount of hurt...I never wanted to hurt them.
I just new I couldnt live the lie anylonger.

that was 1969-1981.
our friends where his friends, so, no one followed along with me, and my friends have all been spuratic, and short termed.
so, im alone.....
and no one really knows how alone.
If I dont call someone, no one ever calls me. I have finally quit calling....
if they dont want to talk to me, then fine....i can remember my mom going thru that....and she had two sisters to call everyday.....they all talked at least once a day, even if just a few minutes...

Its ok....I will make it, im strong, but, its been difficult....
but, the thing I miss most is laughing....
no one in this town has a sense of humor....


welp, i guess its over for the night
short winded tonight....
maybe the world will end soon....
2012 has been a projected date....not far from now....