Saturday, January 14, 2012
4 helmets, a bucket list on a fence = Family
Given away at birth
Into a family unkown
Given to those who cared
Loved and wanted
Given to those who knew nothing about the birth
Who gave too much attention to the baby
And pushed away as the baby grew to into the child
The child, was what she was called
Names changed as time went by
First baby Rooks
Then Cynthia Elaine Budde
Cynthia named for a soap opera ho who had many lovers
Elaine, for that intellectual one sounded too grown up for the child
Some how along the way the child became Cindy
Never knowing who she was and seldom did anyone care enough to find out
Walking home from school was always a thrill untl the boys caught up and made fun
And chanted about her being ugly or stupid
Or the girls walking by not even to say hello
Seldom was there a day to walk home chatting along the way happily with a friend who seemed to really care
Off they went moving a way, never got to know them very long
WAtching from the wall hung picture, watching the life moving on
Fun, laughter, beautiful colors of gift wrappings being unwrapped
All the others were enjoying as she was watching from the wall hung picture
Fast forward 40+ years,
Wandering thru the wilderness
Chosen paths with many branches
Tuesday was the day she was born
And Ruby is her stone
Rubes a name of endearment chosen
Watching life from the wall hung picture
Rubes has tried to fit in
More secluded and alone she becomes where perhaps
She actually might find who
She is
Why she is
Where she is
Thank you for going on the journey with her
So her life can become more than a wall hung picture
Watching life from afar
Wishing she was a part of the fun and laughter
To become a part of a FAMILY
@CEM Jan 14, 2012
Into a family unkown
Given to those who cared
Loved and wanted
Given to those who knew nothing about the birth
Who gave too much attention to the baby
And pushed away as the baby grew to into the child
The child, was what she was called
Names changed as time went by
First baby Rooks
Then Cynthia Elaine Budde
Cynthia named for a soap opera ho who had many lovers
Elaine, for that intellectual one sounded too grown up for the child
Some how along the way the child became Cindy
Never knowing who she was and seldom did anyone care enough to find out
Walking home from school was always a thrill untl the boys caught up and made fun
And chanted about her being ugly or stupid
Or the girls walking by not even to say hello
Seldom was there a day to walk home chatting along the way happily with a friend who seemed to really care
Off they went moving a way, never got to know them very long
WAtching from the wall hung picture, watching the life moving on
Fun, laughter, beautiful colors of gift wrappings being unwrapped
All the others were enjoying as she was watching from the wall hung picture
Fast forward 40+ years,
Wandering thru the wilderness
Chosen paths with many branches
Tuesday was the day she was born
And Ruby is her stone
Rubes a name of endearment chosen
Watching life from the wall hung picture
Rubes has tried to fit in
More secluded and alone she becomes where perhaps
She actually might find who
She is
Why she is
Where she is
Thank you for going on the journey with her
So her life can become more than a wall hung picture
Watching life from afar
Wishing she was a part of the fun and laughter
To become a part of a FAMILY
@CEM Jan 14, 2012
Sunday, January 01, 2012
2012
Another year gone, what do I have to show for it?
July 7 1952-
Jan 1-2012-
another year paid on my home, no improvements made because I cannot afford the cost of even little improvements. 2012- came from nothing- going out as nothing...
Another year gone, how far have I gone?
5 houses around the block and back.....
I have made 21 moves in my life time
I am 59 and feel as tho I have learned so little
in all of the experiences I have had
When I speak to councelors, they fall asleep
when I speak to friends from years back
they tell me they live vicariously thru me
when i speak to friends from today
they know little from the deep blue see......sea....
why is it my friends who seem to know me are on facebook....
where there is no physical intimination......
but plenty of emotional atraction......
but the one friend I love the most, says im such a drama queen....
and returns so little ....so little to hold on to.....
the one thing i have always wanted.....
and its the perverbial carrot dangling in front of my face
saying.....
your not good enough
your not pretty enough
your not thin enough
your not rich enough
your not funny enough
your not smart enough
your not cool enough
your not there enough
your not .....enough.....
your too emotional
your too fat
your too stupid
your too .....
ok get the picture.....
Amazing Grace how sweet tit is
to save a slut like me.....
@@@_@@@@_@@@_@@@_@@@_@@@_@@@
OMG,
there are boys in my lawn....the grass is always greener on the other side....
I watched from a far, knowing he was a "boy"
my first notice of being different from all the other kids in school,
telling my mommy, "Oh yes I loved school,
i even got to meet a boy, and he is a BOY!!!"
I do not remember what my mommy's remark was
but from that day on, I knew my vision was to find
that love I had felt for the first time.... what did i feel?
I dont have a clue, but he loved me, and i loved him, and it was going to be for ever and ever.....
he noticed me, he treated me nice, he even gave me his mothers necklace in the 3rd grade for christmas.....
my mommy made me give it back saying it was most probably his mommy's....
I lost track of him after that, I moved to another town in the 7th grade
and I vaguely remember him being sent to a different school, he sent me a graduation invitation. I always wondered how he got my address because I know I never gave it to him, or anyone else, no one from my gradeschool asked for it.... I became lost- and un-remembered....
In 2010, I found him on Facebook....and he didnt remember me....never had a crush on me, never gave me a necklace....cuz he doesnt remember me.....more verification....im invisible, have never existed.....
one friend came to stay with me after moving to my new town
I took her on a double date, and the guy tried to take advantage of her all night long.....
she went home, I never heard from her again.....
I wrote her and told her I was sorry for his behavior, I had asked my boyfriend who was a Fr in college.....
What in the world was I doing dating guys from college when I was just a freshman in highschool!!!! meaning I MET THEM WHEN I WAS still an 8th grader!!!!!!
the boys in my jr high didnt notice me so, I took what came along...my cousins friends....he was like my big brother, the one I looked up to.... he was 4 years older than me....his friends were too...but he was my cousin....
the one who took me to the drive in movies with his friends....
then by myself.....
and the moves were made....
I said "no" your my cousin....I lost a friend that night....
a cousin, a brother....lost family.....
my first experience of sex getting in the way of a relationship.....
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@_->SEX<-_
Somewhere in my 12th year, my first kiss happened
he tasted like corn....yuck.....
I never saw him again after that Friday night which felt so right
but tasted so terrible......
I just want to be ok, I just want to know that my life will someday
be the one which was worth living.....
WHAT DO I HAVE TO LOOK BACK ON
which was worth the journey....
WHAT DO I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO?
will my life be one which was worth living?
July 7 1952-
Jan 1-2012-
another year paid on my home, no improvements made because I cannot afford the cost of even little improvements. 2012- came from nothing- going out as nothing...
Another year gone, how far have I gone?
5 houses around the block and back.....
I have made 21 moves in my life time
I am 59 and feel as tho I have learned so little
in all of the experiences I have had
When I speak to councelors, they fall asleep
when I speak to friends from years back
they tell me they live vicariously thru me
when i speak to friends from today
they know little from the deep blue see......sea....
why is it my friends who seem to know me are on facebook....
where there is no physical intimination......
but plenty of emotional atraction......
but the one friend I love the most, says im such a drama queen....
and returns so little ....so little to hold on to.....
the one thing i have always wanted.....
and its the perverbial carrot dangling in front of my face
saying.....
your not good enough
your not pretty enough
your not thin enough
your not rich enough
your not funny enough
your not smart enough
your not cool enough
your not there enough
your not .....enough.....
your too emotional
your too fat
your too stupid
your too .....
ok get the picture.....
Amazing Grace how sweet tit is
to save a slut like me.....
@@@_@@@@_@@@_@@@_@@@_@@@_@@@
OMG,
there are boys in my lawn....the grass is always greener on the other side....
I watched from a far, knowing he was a "boy"
my first notice of being different from all the other kids in school,
telling my mommy, "Oh yes I loved school,
i even got to meet a boy, and he is a BOY!!!"
I do not remember what my mommy's remark was
but from that day on, I knew my vision was to find
that love I had felt for the first time.... what did i feel?
I dont have a clue, but he loved me, and i loved him, and it was going to be for ever and ever.....
he noticed me, he treated me nice, he even gave me his mothers necklace in the 3rd grade for christmas.....
my mommy made me give it back saying it was most probably his mommy's....
I lost track of him after that, I moved to another town in the 7th grade
and I vaguely remember him being sent to a different school, he sent me a graduation invitation. I always wondered how he got my address because I know I never gave it to him, or anyone else, no one from my gradeschool asked for it.... I became lost- and un-remembered....
In 2010, I found him on Facebook....and he didnt remember me....never had a crush on me, never gave me a necklace....cuz he doesnt remember me.....more verification....im invisible, have never existed.....
one friend came to stay with me after moving to my new town
I took her on a double date, and the guy tried to take advantage of her all night long.....
she went home, I never heard from her again.....
I wrote her and told her I was sorry for his behavior, I had asked my boyfriend who was a Fr in college.....
What in the world was I doing dating guys from college when I was just a freshman in highschool!!!! meaning I MET THEM WHEN I WAS still an 8th grader!!!!!!
the boys in my jr high didnt notice me so, I took what came along...my cousins friends....he was like my big brother, the one I looked up to.... he was 4 years older than me....his friends were too...but he was my cousin....
the one who took me to the drive in movies with his friends....
then by myself.....
and the moves were made....
I said "no" your my cousin....I lost a friend that night....
a cousin, a brother....lost family.....
my first experience of sex getting in the way of a relationship.....
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@_->SEX<-_
Somewhere in my 12th year, my first kiss happened
he tasted like corn....yuck.....
I never saw him again after that Friday night which felt so right
but tasted so terrible......
I just want to be ok, I just want to know that my life will someday
be the one which was worth living.....
WHAT DO I HAVE TO LOOK BACK ON
which was worth the journey....
WHAT DO I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO?
will my life be one which was worth living?
Saturday, December 31, 2011
flushed- down-
ever have that sinking filling that all was not what it was supposed to be?
all of my life i have been guided by the Christian heritage
adopted out of mormanism
i kept my eyes on jesus, wanting so, to be with him in my walk
i evern fell in love with men with dark hair, beards, feeling it would bring me closer to a G)D so miss understood
so confused
so lost
but yet feel so much different than others who have no god
knowing im saved because thats what they have told me
"Believe upon him and have ever lasting life"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Man I love
or is it MEN....
standing up for a man i loved
who gave me the only sight of what i believe is gods heart
the lust was so strong when we first met
omg i would give anything to be with him
and i did....
family, please forgive me for leaving you...standing on the front porch the day
i drove away....
we have never spoke of that day and how it made you feel....
PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR BEING SO BLIND
I didnt see the pain it gave to you
for all i could see was the pain i felt, the hurt and sorrow un healed
my life was so lacking of hope
faith could not take hold
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ after leaving....
I knew not where my soul laid yet
and I didnt know how to love you
I never knew what I was giving up until IT was totally gone....
Please forgive me for not being available for your lives to grow
God knew I needed help with you
he gave me your wonderful dad
your faithful nanna and poppo
how did you feel about being there
did you find great joy and fun?
or was it just sitting in front of the tv
and waiting for mom to come get you....
you had experiences with dad I never experienced in my life
you have been blessed with the family i so wanted, and felt i had lost
after Grandma and Grandpa and LIsa and Kathy left
my family was gone.....Rod and Debby left us, the neuclear was gone
and now, I know Im not the nuclear anylonger
i feel as tho i have been flushed down the toilet
before even getting to sit on the thrown
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Dec 31-2011 6:21pm
and he has treated me so harshly
is it normal to want to spend the day
with the person you fell in love with 31 years ago today....
divorced in 1997, and living back together for 4 years ago today?
we have had some really difficult times over the last 31 years....
but i have stood beside him time after time
with my family turning their back on me over the last year
because i have stayed the trail with him, and he pushes me away time after time...
its like a slap in the face now after asking if we could invite some friends over
for tonight and he refused
and at 4 say's
"im going over to see some friends, Ill be back at 7"
he has yet to come home at the time he ever says some times being 2 days later
tearing my heart out time after time
always forgving what i do not ever recieve an "im sorry" for
how stupid can i be, how much love does one deserve
i think my heart just got flushed down the drain
http://youtu.be/Yl4J1fjuKdg
all of my life i have been guided by the Christian heritage
adopted out of mormanism
i kept my eyes on jesus, wanting so, to be with him in my walk
i evern fell in love with men with dark hair, beards, feeling it would bring me closer to a G)D so miss understood
so confused
so lost
but yet feel so much different than others who have no god
knowing im saved because thats what they have told me
"Believe upon him and have ever lasting life"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Man I love
or is it MEN....
standing up for a man i loved
who gave me the only sight of what i believe is gods heart
the lust was so strong when we first met
omg i would give anything to be with him
and i did....
family, please forgive me for leaving you...standing on the front porch the day
i drove away....
we have never spoke of that day and how it made you feel....
PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR BEING SO BLIND
I didnt see the pain it gave to you
for all i could see was the pain i felt, the hurt and sorrow un healed
my life was so lacking of hope
faith could not take hold
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ after leaving....
I knew not where my soul laid yet
and I didnt know how to love you
I never knew what I was giving up until IT was totally gone....
Please forgive me for not being available for your lives to grow
God knew I needed help with you
he gave me your wonderful dad
your faithful nanna and poppo
how did you feel about being there
did you find great joy and fun?
or was it just sitting in front of the tv
and waiting for mom to come get you....
you had experiences with dad I never experienced in my life
you have been blessed with the family i so wanted, and felt i had lost
after Grandma and Grandpa and LIsa and Kathy left
my family was gone.....Rod and Debby left us, the neuclear was gone
and now, I know Im not the nuclear anylonger
i feel as tho i have been flushed down the toilet
before even getting to sit on the thrown
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Dec 31-2011 6:21pm
and he has treated me so harshly
is it normal to want to spend the day
with the person you fell in love with 31 years ago today....
divorced in 1997, and living back together for 4 years ago today?
we have had some really difficult times over the last 31 years....
but i have stood beside him time after time
with my family turning their back on me over the last year
because i have stayed the trail with him, and he pushes me away time after time...
its like a slap in the face now after asking if we could invite some friends over
for tonight and he refused
and at 4 say's
"im going over to see some friends, Ill be back at 7"
he has yet to come home at the time he ever says some times being 2 days later
tearing my heart out time after time
always forgving what i do not ever recieve an "im sorry" for
how stupid can i be, how much love does one deserve
i think my heart just got flushed down the drain
http://youtu.be/Yl4J1fjuKdg
2012
The days are moving faster, the years have flown by
so many mistakes so few successes
life is the most challenging it has ever been at this point of my life
so alone
so secluded
the only interaction i have that isnt volitile is
those friends on FB
and they arent even people i know
its pretty depressing when my online friends know me better than
my home town friends
i have had many friends in home town
but, im the one who has to invite them out
twice in 3 years i have gotten an invite to lunch with a friend
other than with a realitive
how in the world has my world gotten so small
I have brought men into my life, whom i loved so very much
both have so many friends outside of me
and i am the one who wanted the friends
my tears are silent
my heart grows dull
love given to those i love
the old ones
the ones who knew me as a child
all of my life
i have watched from afar
as others had fun, going to parties
and being their
in the laughter
me...... off by myself watching from afar <<->>
@>->0Mg<=-<@
talking to a boy was always a big cheer
only to have another girl come
take them away
the two i ended up with
were mine, until the sex ran out
sex...over love....
what do we do for love??
so many mistakes so few successes
life is the most challenging it has ever been at this point of my life
so alone
so secluded
the only interaction i have that isnt volitile is
those friends on FB
and they arent even people i know
its pretty depressing when my online friends know me better than
my home town friends
i have had many friends in home town
but, im the one who has to invite them out
twice in 3 years i have gotten an invite to lunch with a friend
other than with a realitive
how in the world has my world gotten so small
I have brought men into my life, whom i loved so very much
both have so many friends outside of me
and i am the one who wanted the friends
my tears are silent
my heart grows dull
love given to those i love
the old ones
the ones who knew me as a child
all of my life
i have watched from afar
as others had fun, going to parties
and being their
in the laughter
me...... off by myself watching from afar <<->>
@>->0Mg<=-<@
talking to a boy was always a big cheer
only to have another girl come
take them away
the two i ended up with
were mine, until the sex ran out
sex...over love....
what do we do for love??
Saturday, May 14, 2011
10 year death.......is there life again?
ok, life has seemed to illude me,
im not sure how it happened, but loosing my buisnesses, my inlaws, my love, but the one thing that i have lost in life that i cannot live without...is passion...
without passion, there is nothing to live for....
im not suicidal, im just not knowing how to do this thing they call life.....
everyone aroundme has hard times, lots of losses, but they keep going with a smile on their face....
I have been putting on a happy face for 10 years....
and cant seem to get thru it
Blogging hasnt helped there is no feed back, but, it does help me journal my distractions in life the things i have taken interest in...nothing...my feelings
pages over pages of hurt the same pain over and over
the desire to find others who are like minded
who are hurting, and finding ways out of the muk
and puke
Alcoholics have each other
over eaters have each other
only when we find each other
an alien i am
alienated from others by my spirit
my depression
my negativity
my hurt
my pain
my desire to be accepted as i am
i dont even like who i am so why should anyone like me?
im not sure how it happened, but loosing my buisnesses, my inlaws, my love, but the one thing that i have lost in life that i cannot live without...is passion...
without passion, there is nothing to live for....
im not suicidal, im just not knowing how to do this thing they call life.....
everyone aroundme has hard times, lots of losses, but they keep going with a smile on their face....
I have been putting on a happy face for 10 years....
and cant seem to get thru it
Blogging hasnt helped there is no feed back, but, it does help me journal my distractions in life the things i have taken interest in...nothing...my feelings
pages over pages of hurt the same pain over and over
the desire to find others who are like minded
who are hurting, and finding ways out of the muk
and puke
Alcoholics have each other
over eaters have each other
only when we find each other
an alien i am
alienated from others by my spirit
my depression
my negativity
my hurt
my pain
my desire to be accepted as i am
i dont even like who i am so why should anyone like me?
Sunday, April 03, 2011
we are not #1's yet...
This Dr. Makes so much sense, I pray there are ears that hear and eyes that see
and words to be said....
He claims we have yet another 100 years before Mankind is at the point of becoming fully awakened in the new awakenings.....
give me a shout on your ideas.....
I think its enlightening and refreshing
......Im ready!!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Its a sad and happy day,
it was a closing of an erra which has been so very painful,
of loosing most everything I have ever owned, in businesses which have failed.
The sadness of it started with being told I shouldnt comment on my daughters boyfriends page, that it was creepy and I was like a stalker and weird.
This, coming 5 months after my granddaughter who is 10 crushed my heart after I sent her a text saying "Happy Thanksgiving, I miss you and hope your having a good Thanksgiving" her mom and dad had recently divorced and this was her first holiday without her mom, she had plenty of holidays without me.
I had written to her just to let her know I missed her and was thinking of her.
She wrote back, "Nana please dont text me, im spending time with my Aunt Robin, I dont get to see her very often"
perhaps, anyone else would let that roll of their back, but to me, it was extra crushing to have something so simple as a text message which could have been sent saying "thanks nana, I love you too"
Am I wrong? do grandkids not care about their grandparents anymore?
I always wanted to be my grandma's favorite but I wasnt..
it was a closing of an erra which has been so very painful,
of loosing most everything I have ever owned, in businesses which have failed.
The sadness of it started with being told I shouldnt comment on my daughters boyfriends page, that it was creepy and I was like a stalker and weird.
This, coming 5 months after my granddaughter who is 10 crushed my heart after I sent her a text saying "Happy Thanksgiving, I miss you and hope your having a good Thanksgiving" her mom and dad had recently divorced and this was her first holiday without her mom, she had plenty of holidays without me.
I had written to her just to let her know I missed her and was thinking of her.
She wrote back, "Nana please dont text me, im spending time with my Aunt Robin, I dont get to see her very often"
perhaps, anyone else would let that roll of their back, but to me, it was extra crushing to have something so simple as a text message which could have been sent saying "thanks nana, I love you too"
Am I wrong? do grandkids not care about their grandparents anymore?
I always wanted to be my grandma's favorite but I wasnt..
The happy part, is I went out with a new friend today. I had met her a few weeks ago where I work, and we went out tonight for the first time. She is beautiful, I mean drop dead beautiful. I have not been out publicly other than with friends who have known me for over 10 years.....or male friends I had met online, which, never ended up being 2nd dates because I was not interested or they didnt ask again.... this time it was a woman...and no im not lesbian.....altho at times I think.....men have pissed me off enough to become one...
its been 13 years as a single woman, going broke with a dream which flowed down the river of lost dreams. Everytime I drive down town it is a reminder of all of my businesses I have tried and failed, it had become my rut, my excuse not to enjoy downtown activities. She went with me tonight and it was good....to forget about the past pains and hurts and have a new experience with a new friend :)
We went to a nice little cozy kitchen with a quartet of women singing, didnt have a clue what type of music, it was.....way too old for me to enjoy and forsure not her type of music either. We ate and then the music was over and we left.
Sat in her car for about an hour talking, and her daughter called her and asked when she was going to go home to which she said soon, as soon as she hung up, I told her it was ok she could drop me off at home she took me home immediatly.
This is weird, its like it was a date with a man except with a woman, not romantically involved, but to just be a friend is a good thing, one that i have not had happen in a while....in a long while, now will she call me back or do i call her back???!!!!
it is a good day even tho.....and I pray you have enough.....
eventho my kids and grandkids dont seem to need me at this time, I will survive and find there is life after 58 :)
love ya
Sunday, January 23, 2011
True Grit
something is wrong with this picture, they say a picture is worth a 1000 words
what does this one have to say.....
Sunday, January 09, 2011
The Story of Jonah
This little Angle has most probably the BEST story telling skills I have EVER seen!
I would love to listen to her all day, and most probalby get more out of listening to her than all the preachers in my life.
Somehow, I just feel as tho there has been a HUGE piece of the story left out!
I would love to listen to her all day, and most probalby get more out of listening to her than all the preachers in my life.
Somehow, I just feel as tho there has been a HUGE piece of the story left out!
A new year a new beginning
such plause'
It has been three years on new years that my ex moved back in, we had not really seen each other in the 10 years we had been divorced, with him being in prison, and me being in very small town usa, trying to make my millions with my little deli and bbq buisiness. Oh how I loved living there the people were such characters, and I actually found I had a sense of humor, no one had ever laughed at anything I said until I lived there. I was someone, I had followers, I had friends who thought I was "cool" I loved it there!!!! It still brings tears to my eyes that I had to move back to this town where no one, and i MEAN NO ONE has a sense of humor! Even Momma B Uglie cannot get a smile out of them, instead the look of distain and rejection.
My first Halloween back to town and Momma came out hoping to bring some smiles, but instead ended up going to the Dr for anti depressents due to the rejection she recieved on that first day out in the public in home town usa...
back to the day my ex came back, it was Thanksgiving 2005. I had lost my business, closed it down, broken hearted and lost. My business partner was drunker than ever, and not doing well at keeping a job so I could "get my life together"
I had closed the book on our marriage and he had moved on with his life, had a child with a woman he obviously thought much of, as he was not over her yet, but she was not working to keep him or the child in her life, he came home, to me for a family dinner with my kids, his step kids whom he had helped me raise from their ages of 10 and 6, and now, they were adults with their own lives, and a granddaughter, the age of his own son....He ate dinner with us, and when it was time to leave he gave me a hug which I shall never forget, and it drew me right back into the desire I had for him 16 years earlier. OMG that lust we once had was so unbelieveable, one that just never seemed to be fed completely...
April 27, 1997 the day after signing the divorce papers there was a phone call at work, asking for a ticket to Roswell New Mexico, it was going to be very expensive and so the voice at the other end of the phone asked me if I would like to go to dinner with him instead of him going back to New Mexico. Unbelieving he meant it, I said sure, and a date we made....
That date became the marker of what I wanted in life, the man who had brought me such lust, and desire, had been replaced....
I now had someone who made me happier and more fullfilled than ever in my life.
He looked into my eyes, he gave me such desire, he completed me, I was what I wanted to be for the first time in my life, he made me feel like ME, I was completed I was a person desired for me not just sex, and he talked to me, he called me, he gave me self worth....and all in one swift swoop, he took it all away, and left me with out a good bye....left me broken and bleeding as tho I was nothing more than a deer along the road as road kill.....never in my life had I been so happy, and never in my life had I been so destroyed, my heart was broken, my spirit was dead, my life was over....
I lived from July 1997 with no soul, spirit, or heart....Moving to little town usa
to make my millions had been my savior, my heart had some healing with the people there that gave me love, and healing.
10 years of Meeting men online, hoping to find one who could take away that pain of loss, bring back those feelings of self worth, hoping to find that one person who could take the place of the one I loved with all my heart, soul, and spirit...but they were all jerks...all such assholes...nnot one was even close....to my ex...or my mr perfect who was not so perfect....
Much had happened since our last meal in 1997, when I told him it was over, I was going to sign the papers to end our marrage, my lover, husband, became my ex...
and I never looked back....until that Thanksgiving day, here he was back in my home, with my kids, grandkids and we were happy... HE stopped in once in a while to say hi, and came to check on me, and ran back to his other woman off and one, and his many friends over in the next town, where he had his other women friends....
IT became obvious that his life was still out of order, and full of chaos, his son had been lost in a custody battle to foster parents when his own parents would not step up and help him with day care, and once again his life was transgressing on a down hill spiral. IT was not December, and he was needing a place to stay, he had lost his job, had no pay coming in and no place to live.
My buisness partner was on the road to being put out of my home with his drinking being out of control once again, and I had made my line and was finally able to stand on it, tellhim he had to move out....he searched the internet for housing and found a place in the state where his son lived and checked into it, yes, they would take him as a placement, and, yes, my ex could move in....
Having two men in my home, and no sexual contact with either of them, working in a church, wow, was i ever the woman at the well with many husbands as far as the church people thought....It was not a situation I would ever suggest anyone to take on. I loved both men but not sexually, we co-existed and found it rather challenging.
Finally the date came for my business partner to leave on the plane for his son, and a new life in a homeless shelter for addicts, a program to help him clean up and hopefully regain the respect of his own self and others.
I drove him to the air port and put him on the plane, thinking I was going to go join him after a year or two, but, its been three years in March, and even tho i still have the desire to move from this town, I will never rejoin him, may never see him again which does make my heart sad, we did share some very good times together but I could NEVER live with him again...
The business partner was now gone, March 21st...and the sexual tension in the house with my ex and I had become very evident....that night, a kiss turned into much much more....but, it was unfullfilled sex, which opened doors into a relationship which was painful, and full of more hurt....
his trips over to the city, not knowing when he was going to be home, the trust issues. Wanting to please him I found myself giving into his sexual needs, only to find myself desireing more than what he was willing to give me, and found myself turned off, lockig the key to my heart away and not wanting to find it again....
A year of him being in my home, many many fights over his coming and going, he finally left. He had a job, had his own apartment, and I had my home quiet, starting to date once again, and life was starting over once again.....
My job kept me very busy, my dating kept me occupied on weekends, but life sucked more than ever, no one could take the place of the man who had left me so broken and loveless, no one could ever take his place, not even my ex whom I had loved for so many years and yearned to be his one and only. His addictions took my place, he never could love me as much as his addictions and I was always going to be 2nd place.
It was New YEars 2010 once again he found himself without a home, with no job, and needing a place to live, and, once again, I let him back in...
this time there was hummility and some form of respect that he had messed up his life, and needed me once again, and, I needed him more than I had ever realized.
We....needed each other for more than just the sex we had enjoyed in our younger years....
Now it seems fitting that our first real date was on new years eve in 1981
we have made it thru many dark times, and
2011 finally joy is in our life....we do not share a sexual bond, but possibly for the first time, we are FRIENDS!!! yes, it is going to be a good year....
It has been three years on new years that my ex moved back in, we had not really seen each other in the 10 years we had been divorced, with him being in prison, and me being in very small town usa, trying to make my millions with my little deli and bbq buisiness. Oh how I loved living there the people were such characters, and I actually found I had a sense of humor, no one had ever laughed at anything I said until I lived there. I was someone, I had followers, I had friends who thought I was "cool" I loved it there!!!! It still brings tears to my eyes that I had to move back to this town where no one, and i MEAN NO ONE has a sense of humor! Even Momma B Uglie cannot get a smile out of them, instead the look of distain and rejection.
My first Halloween back to town and Momma came out hoping to bring some smiles, but instead ended up going to the Dr for anti depressents due to the rejection she recieved on that first day out in the public in home town usa...
back to the day my ex came back, it was Thanksgiving 2005. I had lost my business, closed it down, broken hearted and lost. My business partner was drunker than ever, and not doing well at keeping a job so I could "get my life together"
I had closed the book on our marriage and he had moved on with his life, had a child with a woman he obviously thought much of, as he was not over her yet, but she was not working to keep him or the child in her life, he came home, to me for a family dinner with my kids, his step kids whom he had helped me raise from their ages of 10 and 6, and now, they were adults with their own lives, and a granddaughter, the age of his own son....He ate dinner with us, and when it was time to leave he gave me a hug which I shall never forget, and it drew me right back into the desire I had for him 16 years earlier. OMG that lust we once had was so unbelieveable, one that just never seemed to be fed completely...
April 27, 1997 the day after signing the divorce papers there was a phone call at work, asking for a ticket to Roswell New Mexico, it was going to be very expensive and so the voice at the other end of the phone asked me if I would like to go to dinner with him instead of him going back to New Mexico. Unbelieving he meant it, I said sure, and a date we made....
That date became the marker of what I wanted in life, the man who had brought me such lust, and desire, had been replaced....
I now had someone who made me happier and more fullfilled than ever in my life.
He looked into my eyes, he gave me such desire, he completed me, I was what I wanted to be for the first time in my life, he made me feel like ME, I was completed I was a person desired for me not just sex, and he talked to me, he called me, he gave me self worth....and all in one swift swoop, he took it all away, and left me with out a good bye....left me broken and bleeding as tho I was nothing more than a deer along the road as road kill.....never in my life had I been so happy, and never in my life had I been so destroyed, my heart was broken, my spirit was dead, my life was over....
I lived from July 1997 with no soul, spirit, or heart....Moving to little town usa
to make my millions had been my savior, my heart had some healing with the people there that gave me love, and healing.
10 years of Meeting men online, hoping to find one who could take away that pain of loss, bring back those feelings of self worth, hoping to find that one person who could take the place of the one I loved with all my heart, soul, and spirit...but they were all jerks...all such assholes...nnot one was even close....to my ex...or my mr perfect who was not so perfect....
Much had happened since our last meal in 1997, when I told him it was over, I was going to sign the papers to end our marrage, my lover, husband, became my ex...
and I never looked back....until that Thanksgiving day, here he was back in my home, with my kids, grandkids and we were happy... HE stopped in once in a while to say hi, and came to check on me, and ran back to his other woman off and one, and his many friends over in the next town, where he had his other women friends....
IT became obvious that his life was still out of order, and full of chaos, his son had been lost in a custody battle to foster parents when his own parents would not step up and help him with day care, and once again his life was transgressing on a down hill spiral. IT was not December, and he was needing a place to stay, he had lost his job, had no pay coming in and no place to live.
My buisness partner was on the road to being put out of my home with his drinking being out of control once again, and I had made my line and was finally able to stand on it, tellhim he had to move out....he searched the internet for housing and found a place in the state where his son lived and checked into it, yes, they would take him as a placement, and, yes, my ex could move in....
Having two men in my home, and no sexual contact with either of them, working in a church, wow, was i ever the woman at the well with many husbands as far as the church people thought....It was not a situation I would ever suggest anyone to take on. I loved both men but not sexually, we co-existed and found it rather challenging.
Finally the date came for my business partner to leave on the plane for his son, and a new life in a homeless shelter for addicts, a program to help him clean up and hopefully regain the respect of his own self and others.
I drove him to the air port and put him on the plane, thinking I was going to go join him after a year or two, but, its been three years in March, and even tho i still have the desire to move from this town, I will never rejoin him, may never see him again which does make my heart sad, we did share some very good times together but I could NEVER live with him again...
The business partner was now gone, March 21st...and the sexual tension in the house with my ex and I had become very evident....that night, a kiss turned into much much more....but, it was unfullfilled sex, which opened doors into a relationship which was painful, and full of more hurt....
his trips over to the city, not knowing when he was going to be home, the trust issues. Wanting to please him I found myself giving into his sexual needs, only to find myself desireing more than what he was willing to give me, and found myself turned off, lockig the key to my heart away and not wanting to find it again....
A year of him being in my home, many many fights over his coming and going, he finally left. He had a job, had his own apartment, and I had my home quiet, starting to date once again, and life was starting over once again.....
My job kept me very busy, my dating kept me occupied on weekends, but life sucked more than ever, no one could take the place of the man who had left me so broken and loveless, no one could ever take his place, not even my ex whom I had loved for so many years and yearned to be his one and only. His addictions took my place, he never could love me as much as his addictions and I was always going to be 2nd place.
It was New YEars 2010 once again he found himself without a home, with no job, and needing a place to live, and, once again, I let him back in...
this time there was hummility and some form of respect that he had messed up his life, and needed me once again, and, I needed him more than I had ever realized.
We....needed each other for more than just the sex we had enjoyed in our younger years....
Now it seems fitting that our first real date was on new years eve in 1981
we have made it thru many dark times, and
2011 finally joy is in our life....we do not share a sexual bond, but possibly for the first time, we are FRIENDS!!! yes, it is going to be a good year....
Friday, December 17, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Hiding
When I was probably 4 or 5 my folks went to visit my mom's favorite cousin, I dont remember growing up going there it was just one of those things we started doing....they had a daughter my age, well about 9 months older than me. I always felt as tho she was my sister, but, I think it was only in my heart.
As we grew up, I dreaded going home each time I would hide, my favorite place was in this hamper....
I would also hide under the bed....one night I got my hair caught on the bed spring, and my mom cut my hair to get me out....
My hope was that my mom wouldnt find me and leave me there. Sometimes it won me a over night stay, but other times it got me a spanking and told to get into the car......was it a spanking?
I dont remember....
I just know, I hated living with my adopted parents, I just wish I could figure out why...
Recently, this cousins mom sold her personal property so she could go live in an assisted living property. The first thing I was bidding on was a big flower pot. I went to load it in my car and an older woman was lifting it up to put it in her cart. I said oh how sweet are you going to load it in my car for me? She looked at me in distain and said " i bought this, its mine" Well....I had to go check on who bought it...she did....I bought....a hamper...which...I had hidden in years ago.....now, my granddaughter can hid in it, and she is 9....I surely cant remember the two of us hiding in it at 9 but I do wonder how old I was when I found the sanctuary of a hamper from my mom....
Friday, July 16, 2010
Time does fly
My Grandma used to tell me when I went to her house and was bored....
"you just wait until you grow old....time flies so fast"
hot damn gram was right!!!!
i dont remember learning alot from my grandma, but she was sure right about time flying when I got old...I have never felt young, and full of joy, except maybe in my first 12 years...but have few memories about child hood, teen years, married early, and
tonight had the AW HA moment....
Each life I have lived has been hoping someone would make me happy...
wanting a boy in first grade to make me happy....
he finally did and my mom made me give his gift back....
I found him on face book, and after 52 years, he didnt remember me, didnt even know "we" had a thing for 3 years....because, it was in my heart, not his....wow how defleeting that was!
As my childhood was played out feeling sad and left out most of the time, knowing the other girls were having fun together while i was at home feeling sad....
I spent a lot f years in my room, hoping the fairies would come out of my closet and allow me into their life....
hearing the mice scamper thru the walls, oh how it scared me...
going to school seemed to be the place I enjoyed being at, but yet so rejected too.
I always felt like the dufas of the class...
I wanted to be one of the crowd, but never quite fit in....
I would call the girls to ask what they were wearing to school, they woud tell me leotards
i would wear mine, and they showed up in socks .....I was set up and went home so crushed....
Hoping to find happiness, a perverbial carrot before me with a trail of tears and fat....
As I learned the rejection game well, and became the victim of it...
food found me and i devoured it with glee.
Looking for love in all the wrong places, gave me a boost, knowing what i wanted in love
was nothing i had ever thought about....i jumped ship for the first time
while i was sinking in a deep hole of depression....
Leaving my two children with my husband of 14 1/2 years and had gone with him a year and half before we got married, I was only 17 getting married. WTF did I know about love?
Marriage is something sacred, and beautiful, if....you find that one to love for ever....
I had no idea what I wanted in life, with a man, all I knew I felt good with him....at the time, it was not the deep feel good, it was the sexual feel good...and wow does that die out fast....
KNowing nothing more than the need to feel sexual, I went for what I knew I could have if I married this guy....We had never even takled about how many kids, if we wanted kids....
or how we would live our life, what his plans were, or what my dreams were....wow
how young and dumb and in lust!!!
Allowing myself to be used sexually by a boy who was 21, I was 17 and knew nothing about love, lust, sex, having babies, paying bills, or even cooking and buying groceries!!!!
Sex wears out and the lust wears off, nothing to keep us together except two wonderful kids which I walked away from...along with the life we had built together...which was all about him....
40 years later, walking along the dusty roads in the wilderness
alot of regrets, not many joys, many sorrows...
i just want to live before I die....
is that the promised land?
Is that the carrot beyond the olden years?
to want to live that long
I never thought I would live this long, or I would have taken better care of my body
is not funny anymore.....along with "help I have fallen, and cant get up" oh no
the fear of falling is now upon me in every walk....
I honestly do not know If I will live long enough to learn to enjoy life
the work has been hard
the labor has been difficult
and the journey winding
but knowing without a vision my people shall parish
oh give me a dream
where my life can become complete...
Come, walk with me, give me your hand, I dont want to lead
I dont want to follow
Just walk with me and see where we can learn to be I....
When I allow someone to take my picture in a bathing suit
I will have finally become happy with me...
"you just wait until you grow old....time flies so fast"
hot damn gram was right!!!!
i dont remember learning alot from my grandma, but she was sure right about time flying when I got old...I have never felt young, and full of joy, except maybe in my first 12 years...but have few memories about child hood, teen years, married early, and
tonight had the AW HA moment....
Each life I have lived has been hoping someone would make me happy...
wanting a boy in first grade to make me happy....
he finally did and my mom made me give his gift back....
I found him on face book, and after 52 years, he didnt remember me, didnt even know "we" had a thing for 3 years....because, it was in my heart, not his....wow how defleeting that was!
As my childhood was played out feeling sad and left out most of the time, knowing the other girls were having fun together while i was at home feeling sad....
I spent a lot f years in my room, hoping the fairies would come out of my closet and allow me into their life....
hearing the mice scamper thru the walls, oh how it scared me...
going to school seemed to be the place I enjoyed being at, but yet so rejected too.
I always felt like the dufas of the class...
I wanted to be one of the crowd, but never quite fit in....
I would call the girls to ask what they were wearing to school, they woud tell me leotards
i would wear mine, and they showed up in socks .....I was set up and went home so crushed....
Hoping to find happiness, a perverbial carrot before me with a trail of tears and fat....
As I learned the rejection game well, and became the victim of it...
food found me and i devoured it with glee.
Looking for love in all the wrong places, gave me a boost, knowing what i wanted in love
was nothing i had ever thought about....i jumped ship for the first time
while i was sinking in a deep hole of depression....
Leaving my two children with my husband of 14 1/2 years and had gone with him a year and half before we got married, I was only 17 getting married. WTF did I know about love?
Marriage is something sacred, and beautiful, if....you find that one to love for ever....
I had no idea what I wanted in life, with a man, all I knew I felt good with him....at the time, it was not the deep feel good, it was the sexual feel good...and wow does that die out fast....
KNowing nothing more than the need to feel sexual, I went for what I knew I could have if I married this guy....We had never even takled about how many kids, if we wanted kids....
or how we would live our life, what his plans were, or what my dreams were....wow
how young and dumb and in lust!!!
Allowing myself to be used sexually by a boy who was 21, I was 17 and knew nothing about love, lust, sex, having babies, paying bills, or even cooking and buying groceries!!!!
Sex wears out and the lust wears off, nothing to keep us together except two wonderful kids which I walked away from...along with the life we had built together...which was all about him....
40 years later, walking along the dusty roads in the wilderness
alot of regrets, not many joys, many sorrows...
i just want to live before I die....
is that the promised land?
Is that the carrot beyond the olden years?
to want to live that long
I never thought I would live this long, or I would have taken better care of my body
is not funny anymore.....along with "help I have fallen, and cant get up" oh no
the fear of falling is now upon me in every walk....
I honestly do not know If I will live long enough to learn to enjoy life
the work has been hard
the labor has been difficult
and the journey winding
but knowing without a vision my people shall parish
oh give me a dream
where my life can become complete...
Come, walk with me, give me your hand, I dont want to lead
I dont want to follow
Just walk with me and see where we can learn to be I....
When I allow someone to take my picture in a bathing suit
I will have finally become happy with me...
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Loosing
for 40+ years I have been over weight
trying to find happiness
following the American dream
thinking as a teenager Marriage was going to bring all my dreams come true
but wait....what was my dream?
to have a nice home, loving husband, and beautiful children....
damn, where did it all go wrong......
trying to find happiness
following the American dream
thinking as a teenager Marriage was going to bring all my dreams come true
but wait....what was my dream?
to have a nice home, loving husband, and beautiful children....
damn, where did it all go wrong......
Friday, February 26, 2010
Lost Viewers
For all of you "lost" viewers, here is a great blog with discussion
I have been lost for so long
kind of like being out in the wilderness
trying to fit in all my life
and never quite being there.
I was raised by two people who loved me very much
but, they loved me too much to alow me to learn
the lessons of life I needed to survive.
Life for a spoiled brat is hell on earth
Dont be afraid to give some discipline
with true meaning.
A child who never hears no, with meaning, always plays to find the yes....
Lord Forgive me for being so stuborn.
Hell hath no fury like a fucked up mother....
Lost, why is it I have felt so lost, so left out, so alone, and so unaccepted all of my life, when I actually had parents who loved me, and only wanted the best for me.
Why has my life been so screwed up, and messed up, wandering around in the darkness
feeling like a child in the skin of Helen Keller, who, was one of my few Idols as a child. And look how her blindess gave her sight.
To help the blind see
Being adopted is a gift from God, to a woman who cries at night feeling so empty because her loving arms have nothing to hold, and little to give.
Children who are concieved of lust, uncontrolled sex, out of wedlock, bastard child,
son of a bitch name given, how many names have been called.
How much crying can one child do.....
Going down the road of trying to be that perfect child, the one that was an answer to prayer......giving the best, giving the prayers, giving the thanks,
dedicating the child,
guided to church,
given a choice....
taken away
to a place so not understood
a place full of ritual
words not understood
sometime some where
steps were taken
down a path unknown
Married at 17 to get out of the home, away from all the "love"
no memories are there
other than friends who were desired to have that life
away from the HOME
Everything was given
every desire to please
everything was earned
with goodbehavior and good grades
promises of having that
material gain
I have been lost for so long
kind of like being out in the wilderness
trying to fit in all my life
and never quite being there.
I was raised by two people who loved me very much
but, they loved me too much to alow me to learn
the lessons of life I needed to survive.
Life for a spoiled brat is hell on earth
Dont be afraid to give some discipline
with true meaning.
A child who never hears no, with meaning, always plays to find the yes....
Lord Forgive me for being so stuborn.
Hell hath no fury like a fucked up mother....
Lost, why is it I have felt so lost, so left out, so alone, and so unaccepted all of my life, when I actually had parents who loved me, and only wanted the best for me.
Why has my life been so screwed up, and messed up, wandering around in the darkness
feeling like a child in the skin of Helen Keller, who, was one of my few Idols as a child. And look how her blindess gave her sight.
To help the blind see
Being adopted is a gift from God, to a woman who cries at night feeling so empty because her loving arms have nothing to hold, and little to give.
Children who are concieved of lust, uncontrolled sex, out of wedlock, bastard child,
son of a bitch name given, how many names have been called.
How much crying can one child do.....
Going down the road of trying to be that perfect child, the one that was an answer to prayer......giving the best, giving the prayers, giving the thanks,
dedicating the child,
guided to church,
given a choice....
taken away
to a place so not understood
a place full of ritual
words not understood
sometime some where
steps were taken
down a path unknown
Married at 17 to get out of the home, away from all the "love"
no memories are there
other than friends who were desired to have that life
away from the HOME
Everything was given
every desire to please
everything was earned
with goodbehavior and good grades
promises of having that
material gain
Saturday, February 06, 2010
Mystery and Passion of the Knights Templars : inTerjeCted
Mystery and Passion of the Knights Templars : inTerjeCted
as I have said many times before Im an open book,
ill probably be hung out to dry with things I say here but no one reads it anyway so
......
I think the web is a good place for people to meet up online
find those who are of the same thought
sameness, a world in search of who
what and when
is the hobbit
the continuation of the story of.....
as I have said many times before Im an open book,
ill probably be hung out to dry with things I say here but no one reads it anyway so
......
I think the web is a good place for people to meet up online
find those who are of the same thought
sameness, a world in search of who
what and when
is the hobbit
the continuation of the story of.....
Sunday, January 31, 2010
bEing a gRandparent
If ever there was a day I needed to have my grandkids here it was today.
Im thankful they were able to come stay.
Im afraid my g'daughter is too bored, but yet she seems to have a good time....
I try to engage her into conversation but she doesnt seem interested in anything I want to talk to her about and when I ask her questions she rarely has an answer, nor aability to talk to me about it. She is 9, and has been sheltered her entire life
I was the same way, and I rebeled and paid the price for it. I dont want to see her end up the same way, her mom didnt want to listen to me, why would a granddaughter want to either. Her mom did turn out good but she had to follow the route I took and have her consequences hit her in the face. I have had them hit me in the face many times. However, I do not know what I did to deserve most of the times I have been hit. I would gladly admit, and ask for forgiveness If someone would come forth and convict me of my sins, so I could move on. There are plenty of mistakes I have made which were of my own doing but there were so many others that I do not believe were mine. such as the death of 4 lovely people who were taken out of our lives when we probably needed them the most....wiped out in a second....
wiping out more than their lives but our whole family, by a semi, taking them out and damaging many others. If I could just understand why.....Its not for us to know at this time, but some how someday, I hope to understand why it all had to happen.
Most of the persons I have loved in my life have died, and it makes me sad, to know that the one who has had some of the most influence in my life died Thursday. I have to face the fact that I didnt go visit her in the nursing home because of my own pain of seeing her there, and loosing so many others before her I just couldnt deal with going and seeing her slipping away ......Pauline.....please forgive me.....
Im thankful they were able to come stay.
Im afraid my g'daughter is too bored, but yet she seems to have a good time....
I try to engage her into conversation but she doesnt seem interested in anything I want to talk to her about and when I ask her questions she rarely has an answer, nor aability to talk to me about it. She is 9, and has been sheltered her entire life
I was the same way, and I rebeled and paid the price for it. I dont want to see her end up the same way, her mom didnt want to listen to me, why would a granddaughter want to either. Her mom did turn out good but she had to follow the route I took and have her consequences hit her in the face. I have had them hit me in the face many times. However, I do not know what I did to deserve most of the times I have been hit. I would gladly admit, and ask for forgiveness If someone would come forth and convict me of my sins, so I could move on. There are plenty of mistakes I have made which were of my own doing but there were so many others that I do not believe were mine. such as the death of 4 lovely people who were taken out of our lives when we probably needed them the most....wiped out in a second....
wiping out more than their lives but our whole family, by a semi, taking them out and damaging many others. If I could just understand why.....Its not for us to know at this time, but some how someday, I hope to understand why it all had to happen.
Most of the persons I have loved in my life have died, and it makes me sad, to know that the one who has had some of the most influence in my life died Thursday. I have to face the fact that I didnt go visit her in the nursing home because of my own pain of seeing her there, and loosing so many others before her I just couldnt deal with going and seeing her slipping away ......Pauline.....please forgive me.....
Monday, January 11, 2010
Time moves faster
I cannot believe it has been so long since I posted on my blog, it used to be my daily diary of such. Maybe since there is no feedback, no body checking in with me, that I lost interest of writing but nonetheless im back. I had some trouble logging in guess it has been a long while since I have been here!
After 10 years of divorce, and now, Two NewYears days have gone by since my ex moved back in, needing a place to live since he basically screwed up his life so well, he has no place else to stay. He was here things went great till June the first year, then it all fell apart in one simple sentence. Have you ever said something that you wish you could take back......I did, and it was over, the bliss we had lived with for 5 months, it was over in one quick swift moment.
Two years have passed, he has come and gone many times in those two years, but, he keeps coming back, and I keep taking him back. What is it all about, I dont have a clue, but I do know we are getting along well, knowing we care for each other, and both need each other.
Situations have come up that neither of us could control, and life seemed to just bulldoze its way to bring us back together pushing and pulling until the wave of surrender came from with in. Ok now, Lord we are back together but for what purpose?
Our interests are so different, we seem to have nothing in common, and knowing each other as well as we do, there doesnt seem to be a lot to talk about. What is the purpose for relationships, other than to have a soft place to fall when we are in need?
Life goes on at a pace somedays I cant keep up with, other days, slower than mollasses and try swimming thru that for a change!
till the next post, who knows what will bring me back, but, i do wish there was another out there to connect with, isnt that what the soul searches for continually?
After 10 years of divorce, and now, Two NewYears days have gone by since my ex moved back in, needing a place to live since he basically screwed up his life so well, he has no place else to stay. He was here things went great till June the first year, then it all fell apart in one simple sentence. Have you ever said something that you wish you could take back......I did, and it was over, the bliss we had lived with for 5 months, it was over in one quick swift moment.
Two years have passed, he has come and gone many times in those two years, but, he keeps coming back, and I keep taking him back. What is it all about, I dont have a clue, but I do know we are getting along well, knowing we care for each other, and both need each other.
Situations have come up that neither of us could control, and life seemed to just bulldoze its way to bring us back together pushing and pulling until the wave of surrender came from with in. Ok now, Lord we are back together but for what purpose?
Our interests are so different, we seem to have nothing in common, and knowing each other as well as we do, there doesnt seem to be a lot to talk about. What is the purpose for relationships, other than to have a soft place to fall when we are in need?
Life goes on at a pace somedays I cant keep up with, other days, slower than mollasses and try swimming thru that for a change!
till the next post, who knows what will bring me back, but, i do wish there was another out there to connect with, isnt that what the soul searches for continually?
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