dirty little secrets

As a child I never really had friends. I lived in a small town, i mean, really small, maybe less than 400 people....
we lived in a neighborhood with lots of kids, so, it wasnt the fact there was no one to play with.
The girls down at the other end of the block were my age, and, if one of them came to play with me, or i went to play with them, we did fine, until the third girl came into the picture, then, it was them against me.

I dont have many memories of my childhood, I have pictures of my childhood with my mom, my daddy, pushing me on my go gart....kids playing in the little blow up swimming pool....I always looked happy...I always had a smile on my face, but, why was i so unhappy?
I can remember going to my room so many times and crying....no one was there to help me...
The kids would be mean to me, why?
Our end of the block was the only one which had a side walk, and during those days, skates were a big thing.
the kids would come down to our side walk and want to skate, I was so excited to have "friends" but....they always turned against me...what did I do to make them so mad?
I remember one time I was at the kids down the other end of the block, and, we were climbing the apple tree, picking bees off of the flowers, putting them into a jar....or, even being so mean to pull the wings off....how cruel!!!
But I felt a part of what they were doing, I belonged...
so many of the times i didnt belong.....why?
I remember one time, they were chaising me I was running and crying as hard as I could because they told me if I didnt leave, they were going to beat me up, till I was black and blue....what did I do to make them so mad at me?
As I was thinking about that this afternoon, some vague flashes came to my mind...it made me feel very uncomfortable, it still makes my stomach turn when I think about it....did they do something to me, or did I do something to them?
Why can I not make friends and keep them?
Why am I so alone?
Why does "in the arms of an angel" by sara mclachlan make me cry so.....
Why do I not miss the one man whom I loved with my heart and soul, and tried to help.....but couldnt....when it was over...it was over....he is in prison now....and I probably wont ever see him again....
Why do I miss the one man I gave my whole heart and soul to with out even really knowing him....he came into my life so mysteriously, and was gone in such a mysterious way. I still cry for him....I still suffer pain of his tearing my heart and soul out, leaving me along the side of the road to die, a massave heart explosion....left as road kill, he never looked back, he never knew the pain he left me in....
Why did I love him so......
Why cant I just let those feelings go.......
Why have the only men I have really wanted to be with, been men who didnt really want me?
Why is it in my youth, I could throw my sexual self to a man and be taken, but, they never wanted me emotionally, or care about me in any other way....
what was my dirty little secret as a child.....
now as my youth is gone, my lonely life as a menopausal woman, invisible, unloved, lonely...this is not the way it was supposed to be.....there were other plans, werent there?
Didnt I have dreams?
Didnt I have plans in life?
Did I not dream big enough?
Did I not know how to reach for those dreams?
Was I afraid to reach out?
Now that I have slipped and fallen out of life, there is no one who seems to see...