Life in Kansasgals head

visions
seeing things
knowing there is more to life than what they allow a person to receive
the most fun i had in my life was when i didnt live in newton.
ElDorado gave me fun
Potwin kind of did, but, I didnt belong.
Wichita, I LOVED it there, I LOVED THERE, I was a slut there, a drunk, and a bad girl.......
and I loved my job, but, didnt know how to keep it, my boss turned against me, and I was the first one to go, I was not making him money, altho, he was training me to but expected too much too soon.
he pushed more and more responsibility on me and i crumbled, and he knew I couldnt do more, so, he let me go, because he wanted to be able to lay it all on me and knew I couldnt handle it yet, and didnt want to continue paying me.
He used bank ruptsy as a reason for letting me go, but, I never really believed it, altho, he did put a young highschool girl in my place after that, and, when I went back to see him, he didnt seem real thrilled, so it made me feel as tho he really let me go cuz he didnt want me there.

When we left to go to Florida, we didnt have the money to enjoy it, we did some fun things but, not very many and we couldnt spend money, so, it limited what we could do. We saw the free things, and they were wonderful, I appreciate the nature and things we did get to see.
But it wasnt exciting and thrilling, and make me want to go back.
I need to call cousin , ask to rent a house in Hutch, or if he would help me buy one....sell this one....get out of HOMETOWN!!!

Im bleeding, from the rectum, if it is my time to go, I will dye, if people care to get to know me, they need to try now, other wise it will be too late.

If i tell my "christian friends" will they care enough to actually pray for me? Whom do I trust?
no one....
but Him....
He has not been the love of my life, but he has been here for me, and he has allowed me to be me.
He hasnt loved me the way I needed to be loved but I know he loves me. I have not loved him the way he needs either, because he doesnt know what he needs, or wants. I know.....that is my problem...if i cant find what I want, and accept something less, I cant complain about it, or I hear too many people tell me to get out.
They dont understand.....
maybe its a sick kind of love, we are both so needy, and we are all we have, so, what is wrong with that love?
We both are seeking God, and, we both accept each other the way we are.
The only thing I cant accept in him is his bitterness when he has drank too much, that is why I refuse to be around him if he is drunk. That is his problem he cant shake, his dysfunction from his childhood....
but just because he cant be perfect, doesnt mean im going to throw him to the wolves....
He trusts me, I trust him, that is important....