how to survive life and get out alive.....or, maybe just, get to enjoy it!!!

I have never had happiness, nothing makes me happy, I cant seem to find it alone, or with anyone.
It illudes me, it pulls at me like a carrot on the string, but, can never be caught.

Why is it so difficult for me to just say, hey, I dont give a fuck and enjoy every moment in front of me?
Why must I fight for every dime, to survive?

I have worked hard to find a way to make a living, been thru hell trying to make things work, but, nothing works, nothing grows, nothing materializes.
I have given up too soon, I have held on too long, I have nothing left to hang on with.
Why cant I find answers?
Why cant I find sense in my life?
Im 52, shouldnt there be something to show for my life?
I look at DeVinci, he was 56 when he painted the last supper, so, by that I guess I still have a few years to go.
The book of life is written about the people who God decided gave good example of life, they were not all perfect, they were not all rich, poor, or even spiritual, they were people of what life was and is, and always will be built of.
Why do churches crucify those who do not walk the narrow street of goodness?
Is the hell God and our selves throws down on us not enough?
Do we have to be judged by man too?

How can I live in a town who is so judgemental on each other?
One side whines about the Mennonites not standing up for the flag, and, the Mennonites say they stand up for nothing but our God, and lifting arms against another human is not in Gods plan.
But yet the other side of town is "christian too" does that make sense to you?
its hypocracy at its greatest!