something weird

I have been having the weirdest dreams lately, perhaps is only because im rested enough to actually wake up and remember them, or, before I was way too tired to dream??????
Last night was the most incredable one in which my inlaws came to me, which have been dead since 1978, my mother inlaw whom I loved very much, came to me, and hugged me, "I told her thru tears, Oh I have missed you so very much,"and she said," and I have missed you too"
I could see my father inlaw stading to the side, and, earlier I had my sister inlaw in a dream in which I asked her to sell my book, with her mothers german mennonite name, and I was going to set up down the street and try to sell the same book with my dads german name, it was a race to see who could sell the most books!
Then, I saw us all at Harper in the dining room this is where my mother inlaw came in and hugged me.
Since 1978, I have only seen her once in my dreams it was fleeting, this one was so real, I could feel her, I cried I was so happy to see them, I turned to hug Kathy, and, I woke up.
I was sad because I didnt get to see Lisa, why did I have this dream?
It just seems so bizzarre to me since I have not even thought of them for weeks.
My dreams are never very clear, and I very seldom remember them when I wake up, nor, do I recognize faces.

It just makes me wonder what it all means.
We both got jobs today, nothing at all what we had hoped for, I didnt waant to go back into food service, but, it was my first application I put out, and, got hired on the spot, she is going to work us into management asap. Guess she was desperate!
We are still going to hold out for the big job Rob is trying to get, but, wont know till after Christmas.
Nothing other than that, still trying to reinvent myself, but, damned hard to do on my own, especially when I have to fight depression.
I wish I could get on one of those shows like starting over, or, Dr Phil Or Oprah.
my life sux big time.
BUT, if you look at all I have done, most people envy me!
If they only knew how much of a slug I am, no life out side, and, no excitement, no love life, no social life, just moving alot.
How do people make thier life work, make money, have social lives, and happy homes?
Do I want too much?
such is life,
merry Christmas, in what ever way we can find it.
:)

where do we go from here?

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH THE REST OF OUR LIVES?????

I have been watching Starting Over only the past two days, sure wish I could go on that show, let them beat me into a new person!!!

What is it that is holding us back from doing what we want to do?

What is it that is holding us back from succeeding?

How do we get from there to here and from here to there?

You have had goals, I have had goals, both of us seem to have feelings of failure, in who's eyes?

in our own eyes?

in others eyes?

What do we need to do to get past the point of dissatisfaction in our everyday life?

I guess Im here in Florida to make me totally stripped of everything I have held as a "goal" in life, only knowing what I had in front of me as "successfull" people, wanting a life that I saw them living and wanting to have that lifestyle in front of me.

Now, I am here where people have little life left, short in years, and, what are they doing with their life?

sitting at home watching tv??? seems like it

shopping in low scale franchise stores like, Dollor General.....seems like it...

Working part time jobs to suppliment their small retirements which they either didnt prepare wisely for, or, life just dealt them a shorter version of success than what they had hoped for.

none the less....it SUCKS being here...and, I KNOW<>

Im angry, at the Mall, I feel they stripped me of my "nest egg"

Im angry at myself, for allowing them to do it to me, not standing up to them a year ago when I was asking out of my lease and they didnt respond.

Im angry at the Newton people for not supporting my business as much as I felt they would.

and Im angry at my employees for letting me down, feeling I was a good boss to them, but, they couldnt find it in themselves to do things to help boost our business, like asking friends to come eat there, doing things like being "extra" to the customers...

There is nothign this anger can do but distroy me from inside, so, my work is to let go of it...

but, what do I do with it?

My Christian up bringing says, {pray, give it to God)

THEN WHAT!!!!

move on....to WHERE?

I read stories of people who were on the last leg of finances, of, hope, of, deperation, and, boom, out of the blue something comes out of the sky and points them in the right direction....

am, I being so naive that would ever happen to me?

I dont want to be the woman who gives up all hope and just accepts life as it is meant to be....working in Dollar General as a sales clerk, but, looks like that is what it is going to end up being.

Im ready to head back to Kansas, if I accept employment in Florida, I have to get a florida drivers license, which means, I dont have all the paper work to get one. All my papers are back at Newton in safety box, or......who knows where!

BUT<>

On Starting Over today, the girl who is 27, and basically, in same shoes as me, except younger, was put into a cage, and left with "keys" she had to write on each key, why she ended up in cage, and, a way, action, to get out....she was there ALL DAY, finally ended up screaming and crying, and begging to get out, the leader told her she was a spoiled brat!!! (OUCH)

The finaly piece of the key was to go back and make ammends to all who she had hurt, and put into ridicule once she accepted that, the leader put her out on probation, with her terms being she had to list 9 people whom she had to make ammends to.....

Im sure I have probably hurt people, but, for the life of me, if I have not asked for forgiveness already, they are not in my mind of who they might be....so, not sure that was my missing key....but, HOW do I find out?

lacking of vision and purpose

i just lack vision in my life, never really having a purpose. my passion went into the bbq, and, now, i feel totally with out passion, or vision. I know, we are to keep our eyes upon jesus, but, when i havent even really seen Jesus, it is hard to keep my eyes on someone I dont relaly know. i only know him thru what i have learned in church, reading, and knowing people like you, and dreiers, I have my own believes, but, they are so far off from anything I have been taught. Sometimes i just feel as tho im a total alien. If i were to really say what is in my heart and my thoughts, you nor anyone else would have anything to do with me. you have listened to my weird wayout ideas, and been so kind...but sometimes, i just feel so totally out there. maybe i need some drug, anti depressent, or something to keep my feet on ground...haha i know i came to florida for a reason, and, im BOUND AND DETERMINDED TO FIGURE OUT WHY!!! cuz this place really SUX! even more than NEWTON if that is beleivable, but, .....at least it has made me appreciate Newton! for its weirdness....it is far better than this place! Just have not figured out how to make a living....nothing appeals to me, and, being my own boss just doesnt work.... working a dead end job taking money from customers all day seems to be about the only thing around here that will hire me, so, i guess if im going to be a zombie, i need an easy way of just standing there taking money all day.... ARGH! boy am i doing a good job or what! just my ranting....
Some nights are better than others, just depends on the frame of mind im in, the spirit of things.....there, that seems to be the whole matter of fact in anyones life, which spirit is their ruler?
Who rules who?
Religion, I ran from a deeply religious area, hoping to be away from the influence.
The influence of what?
their prejudices, their insecurities, their need to control what they dont understand?
now, being in a land of .....on the highway, life seems normal, like mosst of the united states , but the interior of this state is ruled by the gun, by desires of keeping their own laws, and doing their own thing, but, what is their own thing?

Signs for coming here

I really have been trying to not have to file bank ruptsy, I hope, you realize how difficult it has been.
I wanted to become self sufficient so I wouldnt have to have a man in my life, or, have to depend on anyone else.
I wanted to be able to work for my self, and be self reliant.
I cried out to the Lord to give me wisdom, guidence, and, deliverance unto the path in which he has called me.
The path has been narrow, but wide, no railings and always the chance to fall off.
I have taken the path with no guidence, no early father to show me, and, no person to light my way.
I have cried out to GOD<>
I read the bible with no revealing stance
I beg for Gods love, understanding, and healing.
I plead for HIS mercy
I stand before your judgement!!!

In hometown, I felt as I had failed, I could not make a living, I could not hear GOD
I couldnt find life outside of work, and, my children didnt have a chance to learn to know me, nor I got to learn to know them, or, learn to communicate with them.
We have become alienated from each other, and, this trip, being gone from them, Im hoping to be allowed some time on phone, emails, and prayers, to become closer to them.

I asked God for a sign, that we could become better people by leaving, find a way to make a living, and in my heart, had hoped to fall in love with each other.
I love my partner, but, Im not in love with him, nor, is he with me.
I ache for love, I ache to be held, I ache to ache for a man.

Having James here this weekend, awakened those feelings, I so much want to feel love lust, passion again.


If I cant make some changes in my life, I don want to go back to hometown, I dont want to go back, feeling as tho I failed being in Florida.....I HAVE TO FIND A NEW ME<>>>>
I HAVE TO HAVE HELP~!~~~~~

havent been here for a while

The move to florida was uneventfull, well, mostly.
We were to meet up with my two sisters, one from Texas, one from Muskogee, we ended up being late, and barely having time to meet up with Dinkie, from Texas.
We had a snack with her and Geo, met my nephew Tony, and, left with in an hour. We did not have time to go see if we could find Lou in Muskogee.
We drove on to Arkansas, had a great time with my friend Cyn, wish I lived there, I miss her so much. We had a toke, laughed till we cried, and left two days later.
Missouri bound, to see another sister, Annie, supposed to stay 2 days,but her constant chatter drove me to leave after 1 day. We were to go on to Tennessee and stay two weeks with Robs brother helping them with their house, but, seeing the caos, the total mess they lived in, leaving the mess we lived in, there was no way in hell we were going to stay long, we left in 2 hours!
driving on to a roadside motel, we checked in, Rob went out to see what some noices were, the lady at the office called asking if he had seen anything, telling us to keep our eyes open for theft going on, boy that gave a good nights sleep setting!
We got up and left early in the morning!
MAking it thru Atlanta, 8 lanes of traffic, HATED IT the whole while.
Drove to Dawlton Georgia, rented a room at Hotel 8, went to eat, got great service at a new mexican restraunt, then, went to get beer. Walked out, hit the key release, nothing happend, Rob tried to unlock with the key, and the alarm went off...sending the liqour store owner out to see what was going on. He ended up taking us to the Walmart to get some batteries.
He was so nice, so cute, and very intellegent. We got back in car, spent the night, and left.
Getting into Florida on Nov. what ever day it was.
It has been one day after another of nothing but shoping, driving, applying for jobs, and eating out, it is so boring here, I dont know if I can make it 6 months.
I dont dare say im bored, the last time I did that, I spent 10 years in Hell!!!!
What am I going to do...
I thought life sucked in Newton, why cant anything ever get better instead of worse.....
life sux then you die....
cant wait!

kansasgal2 (3:01:55 AM): oh darn your gonekansasgal2 (3:02:15 AM): im sorry i left the room awhile ago, rob was bugging me,and the only way i can have some peace is to walk away from him.kansasgal2 (3:02:34 AM): im rather worried how i will walk away from him when i live in a 12 x 40 trailerkansasgal2 (3:03:02 AM): you and i havent been able to talk for a long time, i dont know if you have read most of my emails. I hope your up to snuff on what is going on....kansasgal2 (3:04:57 AM): i also wanted to talk to you about the elections, we are with the british, the british took iraq, and put them into dictaorship, which caused them to go broke, and fall into the poverty they have lived in since ...sadam came and took it back from them, he gained back what was once iraq's the oil fields, and put the money back in their pockets...till the US came in and took Kuwait back....now....we are in the same boat as the british...kansasgal2 (3:05:59 AM): which candidate can see into the future by reading what the past is? for in how we handle it from now on out will be the deciding point....of.....to be continued may the best man WIN!!! OH WHAT A PRAYER< IM GOING NUTS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO TO VOTE FOR!!!!

I didnt realize the Kennedy fortune was made on prohibition, he ran rum from canada !

Bernstein boys, other ideas where the purples should make their money, jewish mofia
in Detroit
1925/1932 unsolved murders most attributed to the purple gang
take over the river and control of alcohol from canada
1927, highth of their power, over half was brought in down the detroit river
sell most of their bootleg to Al Capone
he sets his sites on Detroit, opening up a franchise with the Bernstein boys,
they told him to get out of Detroit,
he knew a gang war was impossible, he made an allignment with the purple gang
Buggsy, Highjacks intended Capone whiskey. St Valentines day massicre, missed the target, Buggsy wasnt there, he didnt get killed...
Taken from the History channel, on bootlegging
Country was tired of prohibition
it wasnt working, more death in the streets, more war on streets than when people were able to drink!

soooo where does that take us for the war on drugs?
the killing in our streets because of drugs has created another impossible war to win.
and, look at the evidense, not the propaganda, what the government force fed the nation to believe it was the only way to get rid of drugs!



I find it interesting Kennedys fortune was made on illegal activity, then, it was ok?

the revolution

are we honest in life?
is our life built on truth, or, on lies...

can anyone know, during ones life who they are really bowing down to which GOD?

where i live

I have lived here since 1965, I have very few real friends, ones that can identify with my life, who can know the pain I live in everyday. Some, can try to talk to me, but when they hear of my pain, they are gone, never call me or reciprocate the invitations.

Alcohol seems to be a binder that brings women together, something in comon.
Those who need one another.

Children are a bond, that parents should have with their children.
As much as I love my daughter now,
I dont think we bonded, when my daughter was born, I wanted a son, I was so dissapointed when they told me the baby was a girl. I didnt nurse her, I watched her grow in my arms, but, not sure we bonded. I went forward when she was 6 weeks old, and cried out to God to give me the love and ability to raise her to be the wonderful young woman she is now, she is such a blessing. So adult, and so Christian, so, ............
I loved her, but, didnt know how to deal with the dissapointment.

When I was really small, I had good things happen to me, I was "special" I was given prizes at the Whitewater festival, and, I never knew why, all tho, I felt loved, and special.

Something happened, something during my 10 or 11 year and from there on out, my life changed. I was no longer special, but, cursed, given no choices always taken first thing that took on in my road, thinking, it was a gift given to me, and not checked out.

We were given the choice of the trailer house, kitchen....i didnt want to have to work that hard, and, have no guarentees of finding a living in that life style.
Every choice I have walked into was a choice of peace, a feeling that it was right, it had come up to me and I freely took it.
I freely accepted the responsibility of the work required, the little knowledge given on how to run my business, and very little advice from "friends, co workers, or even professionals, paid big bucks for "advice" no one could give me direction, no one would listen long enough to talk to me, or help me walk thro the direction I was being taken.

We were blessed, given a huge sum of money, and, it was taken away.....so fast.....

I take the turn, and, life changes, nothing goes as I had "expected" or, how, in my mind it made so much sense, and should have worked.
Like buying the Emu's, when we finally got set up, had all the dollars invested, the people who were supposed to be there to help us market, by teaching us, like the big guy south west of town, he got everyone excited about emu's about the wonderful things emu's brought into the owners lives, the pro's and con's, mostly telling the pro's, leaving out the con's.
We were taken for a ride, which left us broke, family distroyed, and divorced.
That was the begging of my end, or, was it the begging of the beginning :)


Leaving for Wichita took me on another adventure, I got a school loan, went to school to become a travel agent, the school was a sham, I didnt learn anything, and, I was not prepared for the job.
My first job was a small travel agency, and, the woman who hired me was a nice down to earth woman, who, I think I could have learned alot from. But, she was let go, and, another manager was brought in who was a small, young, executive agent, who demanded experience, and professionalism which I hadnt learned yet.
I lasted 6 months. In between, while trying to do the job, my divorce went thru, I had ended my 13 1/2 year marrage and, received my freedom. I was a woman who could do anything, I had a career, I had a nice appartment, and I was free to do those things, to live the life I had always dreamed of....
Find a wonderful man, become a wonderful wife, and, have a wonderful home.
What I found, was finding that man isnt easy, in fact it is very diffciult, but, can be alot of fun, challenging, and, rewarding, and hell!!!!
I found myself, heart broken, by one of these "wonderful men" who walked into my life unannounced, mysterically, and, I became another one of his victims, someone who probably was not experienced for his divineer way of swooning me, who, gave me self worth the first time he looked at my eyes, and, the whole evening, something I had NEVER FELT IN MY LIFE....

HE hooked me into his web into his eyes, the first 15 minutes we were together, before the night was over, I was his prey.....
and he became my PRAY!

I lost every piece of my self, I was gone, I was invisible, I didnt exist anylonger, he was gone....

my deep sorrow

Sorrow, faith, regret, lingering pain.....
The two people I look up to so highly, are going thru a desperate time of sorrow,
they have just lost another son, their family of 5 children is now, 3 living.
Jon died, 3 years ago, now, David died last week, after missing for 10 days they found his body, in a delapidated building, he collapsed, and died...
what did he die of?
They say he has been depressed, he has had a lot of rejections, his diabetis has kept him from living the life he had dreamed of. Did he kill himself? not, physically, they cant find any wounds or reasons....
did he die of a broken heart, of unfullfilled dreams?
I can understand how that can happen, I feel the same way, I just want to go off, alone, and die.......

How do they do it?

Some people walk thru life like it is just a normal everyday thing, nothing much bothers them, and, life is good.
My life has been anything but normal, and never seems to be good!
I try to see the blessings, and the normal things, such as my kids are such a blessing, and they are fairly NORMAL! Which is a miracle in its self concidering the crap they ahve had to grow up with, my divorce, twice, my many moves, my living with Rob, and my numerous business failings. The money they should have been able to inherit, which I have gone thru trying to grow, instead of....lost...evrey penny of it....
over and over, more and more, pisses me off, and the anger comes thru more and more.

Dreams

I never remember my dreams, and when I finally have one that I wake up to, it lingers in my mind for days, trying to figure out what it means.
Last night, I was hanging around with a group of people who were teaching me how to fly, I mean, we would get in a circle, jump up into the sky and take off, we could stay up in the air for hours it was incredible. I remember the freedom of drifting around, looking below to see all the worries of the day below. No one knew about our group of people, we got together several times a week, and just had a great time. (did i dream that?) mmmmm its building as I think of it haha...
For some reason we were at a big store, like a Penny's or Montgomery Wards or something like that, not a WalMart, but a old fashioned department store. There was a big car parking lot type of area, my leader who ever she was, told me to come on out to the parking lot, she wanted us to fly in front of the people, I remember being totally exhausted from the week of flying before, and, I couldnt get up, I was too tired.

Im sure it has everything to do with my exhaustion in life im feeling right now, my dispair of not getting my life together once again.
I had it all planned, I would get this house ready for sell, move to missouri and start over....right?
not....its totally in disarea again.
Rob is talking abut going to Florida to work on construction, it would be greta, if he could do it, with his drinking as bad as it is, I trully cant see him down there alone, and making it.
ITs a dream to get rid of him!!! and, know he could walk on his own two feet.
It is amazing to me how half of his brothers are such assholes, and the younger ones are great providers and wonderful husbands, fathers. The abuse the older ones lived thru has such a hold on them they dont function and are dependent in their lives, dependent on alcohol, drugs, women. They cant live with out a woman, but they make life so misserable for that woman they cant stay with one longer than 4 or 5 years, or, that is the story im living right now.
He is a wonderful guy when he is sober, but, he doesnt stay sober very long, 3-4 months at a time, if that long....
Since we have been together he has been in two treatment centers, a dry out center, and each time he stayed sober only short times.
I know he wants to not be the asshole he is when he is drunk, but he doesnt want to do the work of being sober to not be the asshole. Cutting down on his beer is his only choice he takes, which, he can maintain for a few days at a time, then its like he gets tired of being "nice" and has to take his medicine to be the nasty guy and get really bad, the next morning regrets hit him, he cleans up for a couple of days, then, back to the races....im just really tired of the roller coaster ride.
Perhaps my flying dream was a freedom, but, we always have to come down...

the promise.....

Dearest Briana
Im so sorry I have caused you to be so upset with me.
Im also I havent been the mom you wanted or needed.
I have only been able to be me, the way i know to be.
I have tried to be what everyone wants me to be all of my life
and, when i cant do it, i have run, i have had to get away to become ME!
I loved being in Wichita, but, I missed you, it seemed we didnt get together much, I wasnt what you wanted me to be, by going to church, and so we couldnt just do mother and daughter things.
I appologize we missed that time together.

I couldnt be the wife your dad wanted, to sit in the hot sun weekend after weekend, and drink the day away, and jump into bed with him every chance he wanted.(sorry dont mean to give more info than you want), and then not be talked to and loved emotionally....i had to get away....

I couldnt be the daughter Grandma and Granpa wanted, so I had to get away, by getting married, back then, girls didnt move out and live alone, that is why I gave you your chance to live out on your own, i knew you needed that time away....

Im sorry you were so lonely in Wichita when you moved there alone, I had never lived alone at that time, so, I didnt reallize how lonely it can get, but, I learned after leaving Mark.....living in newton, with only him, and Grandpa after Grandma died....
I couldnt be wife, or daughter, i had to run away.....to wichita....where i wasnt a mom.....
but, i was learning alittle about me....
i couldnt be the employee the travel agent wanted, and, i was too defeated to find a decent travel agency job, so walked away from what i wanted to do, but felt not ready for it....
no self confidence....
I loved my job with the body shop, and when he layed me off, i was so depressed, but, kept trying to make do....
Today you made me feel like all my life changes have been my fault, and i have taken the blame for years, for feeling guilty of not being able to "relate" to people, but, its not that, i havent ever felt accepted to be who i am....
no one ever asks, nor ever really means it when they say "how you doing?"
They dont care, and dont really want to know.
I have no one to talk to, and no one to share those misserable feelings with.
Galen and Debbie are always too busy, I know, one is supposed to go to church, read the bible, to find the answers, but, when i go sunday after sunday and dont have answers....
i guess maybe im too impatient, and go off on my own search, altho, Galen gave us councel in the emu's, my divorce, and my move to wichita.....
so...was i totally wrong?
just because id ont go to your church? is your church the only church?

There is a reason why I was sent off on my mission
and, there is a reason why i have been brought back to newton, i just have to figure out how to live here and not go totally nuts!!!!!
I CANT LIVE HERE.....emotionally, and spiritually, but, i have also promised I wont go until I hear where I am to go...from God, and no one else.....
I will promise that to you...
which means, i maybe here the rest of my life or, Lord willing, he will alow me to leave, and live to enjoy it.....
but, you have to be there for me, i cant go it alone anylonger....
Love Mom

I dont get much email anymore, and, havent been sending out much
seems after i sent email to people asking to change my address, or, after i told them we closed the bbq, they quit writing,
so, i sit watch tv, work on house, try to figure out how to live in newton and not go totally nuts....or, die first!
I cant go to florida with Rob, its too far, and i wont go that far with him as long as he is drinking...
he cant quit here, i dont know what makes me think he will quit there, and, i dont see him making it in florida alone...
obviously, he doesnt care if im out of the picture, this morning he was all for going alone to florida, knowing his drinking will get in the way if he doesnt stop....what does he do tonight? drink a case....
sounds like a fucking plan to me doesnt it to you
I cant deal with him, and have told him, i wont go to florida, or missouir with him, since he prefers to be drunk instead of living life, i dont intend on living my life sitting at home watching tv day in and day out because he has to be home getting drunk.
Newton has nothing we like to do so we sit at home.
I just got done ranting and raving my heart out to him, telling him the reason i want to leave newton is because people are always telling me im wrong, no one ever encourages me to do well, they sit back and watch me distroy my life, telling me to get rid of rob, but, not being there for me if i do.
I have st ood up for him telling them he is a wonderful man, he has treated me great except when he gets drunk ,then he treats me worse than anyone ever has....
I know they would not be there for me if he did leave. I know, they werent there for me when i left mark, and they had encouraged me to stay with him.
Now, he is upset because people know he is a drunk....like he actually thought he had hid it that well?
GEEEZ!@!@#(&$(*@)

I ordered a little mini cam, its supposed to make little mpg movies....oh will he be surprised!
I really think if he could see himself as a drunk he would clean up real fast, its my last hope....if that doesnt work, then he is forsure gone...
Peggy, I have loved him as much as i can, i have given him everything i know to give,but he wants more, he wants different, always allows me to feel guilty for not loosing weight by saying things like, i have a fat womans complex, that i feel so inferiour because of my weight, and that i would have more friends if i wasnt fat!if they cant like me the way i am FUCK ALL OF THEM!

I have never fit into the round hole, being the square peg, but, actually, i think this town is a town full of dead people...who are too afraid to live, because living means having some immoralities in your life...
i cant imagine going thru life, being on that fucking farm, day in and day out, for over 35 years!
watching tv, working everyday, and never going anywhere ......
except, now, with his wife, he learned to take vacations, after ME!!!!!
because I told him that was one reason I was leaving him, because he never wanted to go anywhere on a vacation except Tractor pulling (boy that was real fun!)
the only fun i had was playing lust tag with one of the other tractor pullers, and getting drunk!

I hated sitting in the dirt, getting sunburned every weekend!
My life has been hell, but, at least i have had experiences....i have had some fun, some things i shouldnt have done, and sold my soul,

its going to happen, one way or the other, but promises are made, to keep....

I know about your computer, been there had same problems, and know the frustration!
and as you said, I wasnt meaning you....
It just hurts that my whole email llist just quit.....some of these people i have had on list for 5-7 years...
I guess when I told them i was moving AGAIN...they figure, geeeez, there she goes again....
I am so tired of starting over again, but, damnit, i refuse to die here!!!! I promised my daughter last night I wont leave until I feel God has shown me where I need to go next....
she doesnt think I walk in Gods will, but, believe me, i never make a move until I have total peace about moving....
each move has taken mme on a journey and, each move has had something to teach me, Im just stupid sometimes, at learning that im supposed to learn.
One thing I have learned here tho, I am not a part of newton no matter how much I try....
the scripture always comes to my mind, about walking away and letting the dirt fall from my feet, not to look back.....
We are going to paint the bathroom...i picked a earthtone mauve color, I sure hope it isnt TOO PINK!!!!
it was pretty on the paint chip.....

waves taking me clear out there......

I cant say that Rick was ever a bad husband he just didnt know how to be a GREAT one...
even now, we talk, when we are all together as "family" for Briana's functions she invites us to, and they have come to some of our BBQ functions like steak night etc....our relationship is the same now as it was then, only difference, he goes home to his big fat blonde wife instead of me.....she is a natural blonde, and, when we got divorced he thru it at me that he should have known i wasnt what he wanted in a wife when he found out I colored my hair!
(I had always been a blonde until highschool, my hair turned dark, so, i bleached it...) HE didnt know till we had been married two years! I didnt even think about it being a problem! till he turned on me with his remark....
but he has a real blonde now.....
she is a really nice person,(now) but, was told by one of his tractor pulling buddies, he sure didnt see what Rick saw in her she sure wasnt eye candy!
When they got together she was the bitch from hell, and, I will always be sorry my kids had to go thru that.....she said in front of the kids (10 & 6) Im getting a tubaligation we have two too many brats in this house the way it is!!!!
she proceded to get rid of all of my kids toys, and baby furniture, etc....with out asking them!
It was several years after the fact that my daughter told me all of that....i felt so bad for my kids....
then, my kids had to grow up with a drunk passing out on the front room floor....never wanting to bring their friends home....
Briana told me yesterday she will not let jessica stay all night, nor will Jessica ever come to missouri to stay a week if Rob is in my life.....as long as he is drinking....
so......I wont ever tell that to rob, and please dont mention it to him....
I chose Mark *My second * over what Briana said as a 10 year old(mom please dont marry mark he is an asshole) coming from her, I should have listened, she has amazing wisdom, even as a child she knew clear passages.....
I on the other hand always take the more adventuresome roads....haha....
she likes safety.....being grounded in a good church....which she found when she was living in Wichita, alone and lonely....Im glad for that, but, she sure changed personality, from being care free and fun, to being a stiff necked stuffy religious morality checking Christian.
Not that I Love her anyless, she just isnt as much fun!!!!
She did tell me yesterday she admires me for my sence of adventure, but, "mom, your getting too old for that lifestyle" I know she is right, i need to find a decent job and get some social security built up, but, shit......nothing ever works out for me!
SO...i just keep riding the waves.....only thing is, the waves are taking me out to pretty deep waters anymore.....pretty soon there wont be any turning back....

day in and day out

Which will it be, my life is taking a turn again, one that will totally change everything, my location, my belongings, my finances, my climate, every bit of me will be changed, except inside....and at 52, i still dont know who i am, or why im here.
My life has been so fucked up for so long, I dont even know where I am most of the time, let alone why im there!

I try to be aware of my surroundings of people around me, and how I can make a difference in their life, but, I have been hurt so many times, and let down by others, it is difficult for me to reach out anylonger.
Everytime I try, there is a road block, the phone is busy, or, they dont have time for me.
Even the minister, whom I tried to talk to didnt have time to talk, where do i fit in?
How do i find help, or even be able to help those around me when im such a fucked up mess?
Writing my thoughts here is about as much as I can get from anyone...dead silence.
I need to find some answers but where do i look?
How do I find those inner most thoughts that will guide me in the right direction?
I do not exist, I do not mean anything to anyone, except maybe my kids, and hopefully my partner, but, since he is drunk 98% of the time, I dont even know where I stand with him.

How do people have lives that work for them?
I have been a slave to my life, and it hasnt worked, everything i have done has failed.
Except, my kids, they are both great, and doing great!
Nurse and a plumber, and a granddaughter!

oh, life goes on, or does it....everyone walks around like they are dead because they are afraid to walk forward, afraid to live....when we allow morality to drown life, we leave alot unlived.....i want to LIVE...im so tired of walking around in the land of the living dead!

Im not a charity case!

Altho I have hoped to receive some help, from SOMEONE, im not a CHARITY CASE!!!!

I have paid in every way possible, havent i?

I have gotten fucked over and over, and didnt even get to enjoy it! nor a KISS!

Im just tired and cranky, tomorrow will be better, wont it?
That is what they always say.....look to tomrrow, things will be better...
ok....i guess, I keep hoping for the better, but, somehow cant seem to see each step as a "reward" for waiting and hoping...

How do we hang in there, when there are very few knots to hang on to???

Im just ready for something better to happen....for a new start...one that will be "better" than what I have had....I just hope I was thankfull enough for the few blessings I can see, so far....im still trying to find the blessings in my life, I have been so fucking torn up starting over every 12-24 months, i havent had time to look and see, its like hanging in there for dear life as i go around curves and the wind brushes past my face so fast I cant see where im going....
then, when things stop, I say WHERE THE FUCK HAVE I BEEN?

Im so fucking messed UP.....

and just cant make sence of anything....no one can stay long enough to help me walk thru it.

My travel bud, is the closest thing I have ever had for a best friend for as long as I have had, but, she never reciprocates my love and affection, she very seldom calls me, and almost never answers my emails....i have to make the first moves...

How do I keep on going?
I dont know.....Im really wanting to quit, but, cant....
quitting isnt an option....
I didnt quit, they evicted me!
I gave it my all, every piece of my energy, every penny, and every piece of love I could muster, Im done, I dont have anything else to give, im done!

Men cant give answers

JESUS is the only one who can give answers!
I have been chaising after answers from man to man....business, professionally, emotionally, they have miss led me over and over, and no one can give me answers to my life problems.
there is only one way to go...
It took me 52 years to trully cry out, I have always cried out, asking for help, then, get side tracted looking in all directions but the only direction.

I have followed after lust, money, love, as a carrot in my face, dragging me along never being able to truly find the answers to my problems, never finding happiness, always finding more dispair, debt, and loneliness.

People say "dont give up, keep going"
WHERE THE FUCK WOULD I GO?
HOW DO I NOT KEEP GOING?
KEEP GOING< DOING WHAT?

I cant go anywhere, there is no place to go...other than church...
more pain, more frustration, more guilt....

Im a fish out of water, floundering around, never knowing where to turn, always looking for that next fix, something to make my ego feel better, to wipe my tears, to wash the blood, giving me solance.....

Our local highschool is doing a program for graduation, which makes the student volunteer for community service for free, for 20 hours....

some crazy nit wit father says, "its not constitutional to be FORCED to help"
JESUS CHRIST!!!!!!! ITs gotten so bad that we have to FORCE PEOPLE TO HELP ONE ANOTHER?
I called my former employee to ask for his help to get our stuff moved out of the building, and moved over here to my place.
AT THE SAME TIME< he has just dumped on me that this forced issue was bing a real problem at school.
I jumped all over him, telling him that he needed to look at the true issue, that he has to see that it is insane that they have to FORCE people to volunteer...when people should be willing to volunteer to help the needy....
I pointed out how much i really needed his help, and if he couldnt "GIVE of himself, I couldnt give him a recommondation for his volunteering 20 hours..." I hope he understood, how much it means to help out of the heart....

but, nothing is done for love of neighbor anymore....
time is too "quality" people dont have time for others, no one has time to give of themselves...

alot to say

I have so much to say, and no one to say it to. I never feel welcome when i go visit anyone, they never offer me to sit down, stay awhile.

I know people who never come to my house probably feel overwhelmed with my excitement of having company....im so used to watching tv, i can barely talk to them, i just sit and watch the tube....wishing they would talk to me....

i try to start a conversation but its always about something pretty heavy, or a joke that is way over their head, they dont get it, and we both feel uncomfortable....

I have always had problems making friends, I have been alone all of my life.
I ache for companionship, but, when i have husbands, they cant communicate with me....nor, I with them....

Rob and I get along great, we work together quite well, but, we cant talk....we used to before he started drinking again, but, now, we dont talk at all....mostly fight....
i get so tired of trying to talk to him, and feeling like he doesnt listen to anything i say, and then when he makes a mistake, it drives me NUTS becasue I TOLD HIM HOW I WANTED IT...but he doesnt listen...or take me seriously....

I try to listen to his point of view, but many times, there is no point to get....
and then im pissed because I was realy trying to understand what he was saying, and, there was NO POINT...he wasnt telling me anything that made any sence! or at least to me!!!!!!!

Im so vented up, about to explode, and no one is there.....how do i find my venting point...
i cry out to GOD....and feel there is no one there....
If i go to my "friends" and tell them this, they will only "try" to be better friends out of quilt....I dont want love out of guilt...I had that in my 2nd marrage, he felt sorry for me, and married me, then, i had to live with guilt for 13 1/2 years, him rejecting me, and only accepting me once in a while, out of guilt, or, his own needs...not because he really wanted me....

13 1/2 years, lust....guilt....love....or was it....
was it my needs that drove me to him, an alcoholic who curled up into a ball when faced with having to meet up with his mother..
my heart broke the first time I saw him, knowing, he was in such pain, he drew up into a fetal position, needing comfort, needing love, needing assurance.....
but, he didnt want it from me....
he wanted it from his bottle.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What....did his bottle give him that I couldnt?
His comfort, quietly, with out judgment....
His love, given to his most innerself from his innerself.....
His ability to communicate with himself.....
with his GOD.....
His ability to be shown his crowning glory, his ego, his castle......
his land of milk and honey....

Self Employement is such an addiction...
one lonely road a person takes, even if no one else knows the road, no one else understands the sacrifice, the pain, the needs....
where does one go to find the answers, how does one get time to go to the classes?
How does one get money to take time to go to the classes?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Im bouncing tonight, cant focus on one thing, it like my mind is streaming by and im trying to catch a thought, type it, then there is another....
Oh, how I Wish I could find like minded people, someone to talk to....I have always felt so alone, so unable to communicate my needs to...no one ever has time to listen....
Maybe its just an ego thing, I want some attention....I want to be heard.....
but, why should i be any different than anyone else....do i listen to them?
Do I give my time to share with them?....no...they dont listen....
IF i say anything, no one speaks back, there is no incoming conversation...
I say something and either they dont get it, or, they take it as the ALMIGHTY SAID IT, and they dont want to contradict me....am I THAT BAD to be around?
I dont mean to be....
but, when I see something I dont like, I tell them, it is MY business. and if I want it cleaned, it better be cleaned!
but....THEY WOULDNT DO IT....
three times being told, they were out....tough?
yeah, im sure they think of me as the bitch from hell....
but, I really cared about these kids....
They came from bad childhoods, and didnt really stand a chance if they didnt get their lives changed...and, I was a place to work, if they worked for me, they had to listen to my phylosophy of life (spelled wrong) who gives a shit....no one else is reading these anyway....Spelling never was a good thing for me, it was one of my worst classes....
Im so glad I dont have to go back to gradeschool, altho, I think it would be a blast now....
watching all those little guys learning new things....
helping them see the world thru different eyes...
~~~~~~ child physc.....
is this were im supposed to be?
I NEED A SHRINK!!!!!
GOD AM I GOING CRAZY!!!!!

just another thought....

In cleaning fish, there is muck, and yuck to get rid of....who takes out the trash????????????

Joy......the final frontear????????

Do we all suffer from lack of joy.....JOY.......JOY.......JOY!!!!!!!!

Knowing Jesus, is supposed to bring us JOY....
but, does it?

It brings with it, responsibility....follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.....

BUT I DONT LIKE TO CLEAN THE FISH!!!!!! <<<<>>>>>

if you bring the fish to church, who gets to clean them?

most churches, put it upon a group of leaders, mostly the preacher.....
who, in turn gets burned out, tested, reviered, or, rejected, how does one really get to know the minister?

Speaking thru the pulpet?
going to dinners....?
working on projects????????
CLEANING FISH?????????

shouldnt it be everyones job?????
shouldnt it be up to the whole church to go fishing, and bringing the catch to the whole church, to clean, and wipe, and anoint.....?

Love, what is the price?

To have love, to give love, to recieve love. There is a price to pay,
Jesus, paid with his life, the true sacrifice, the life he was living with his friends, ......
his friends.....
his friends.....!!!!!
where were they, when they were accusing him of the crimes he supposedly partook of.

What were his crimes?
What did he do wrong?
Didnt he tell truth?
Didnt he bring healing?
Didnt he allow for forgiveness?
Didnt he accept people for what they were?
Didnt he give women a right to be heard?
What was Jesus all about?
and WHERE WERE HIS FRIENDS?

As he hung on the cross, asking why he had been forsaken....
Did God his father forsake him, or, was he speaking of his friends?

He tried to pray at night, but, his friends fell asleep.....

He tried give notice that some friends would be falling behind, and not recieving the blessings of God, at least not right away....

He tried to tell his friends, his brothers, that their world in which they lived, was nothing of the world they knew....

He spoke to deaf ears, what did they hear?

He gave legs to the man who couldnt walk, where did he go?

Jesus, would you know him, if he walked up to y ou and said, hello?

Do you know his voice?

Do you know his life?

Do you know his face?

Do you know his lap??

Do you know his smell?

Do you know his spirit?

I want to know his all, know he will be there with me no matter where I go, I want to go, in his name, to become a fishers of men, but, i hate cleaning fish!!!!

Having Faith?

Was it Faith that took me to Harper, or, stupidity?
I had been with out a job for several weeks, a friend kept asking me to move to Harper, telling me there was a great little restaurant which needed a person to run it. Harper was a small town, not much going on, and, i was neive enough to listen to a guy tell me this building which he had put a laundromat in, a small restaurant, and an appartment would support a single woman like me.

I asked for the loan, and got it!

all 30,000.00 worth.
I headed to Harper, not knowing a soul, except the friend who told me about the place.
20 years earlier we had been best of friends...she was just getting settled out of her divorce.
And I was just heading into my divorce. We partied together, we baked cookies together, our kids played together we lived across the street from each other. We were together alot!

I needed a friend, I needed a life, so, I thought, ok....Ill go to Harper, it seemed right. The laundromat made 900.00 a month..that would be enough to pay the utilities, and the payment on the building. I would live in the appartment, and run the restraunt, wala, instant life, and money!

RIGHT?
yeah right!

I had been there two months. I had hired a girl out of desperation, help was not easy to find.
She came to me, knowing I needed help, she admitted she was recovering from drug use.
She felt no one would give her a chance in town, and I was her last chance.
Desperate, I was! I hired her. She was GREAT, she was fast, she just knew what to do!
She was the best employee I ever had, even after what she did, I can still say she was the 3rd best employee!

She worked for me for about 3 months, and then came to me saying she had to quit because it was painting time and she was going back to painting houses, she could make three times what i was paying her painting. I had to let her go I couldnt afford to pay her more.

She was gone, two or three weeks when, I got a phone call, telling me I had a fax at the grocery store. Now, I thought that was weird, but, being new to town, I thought maybe that was how things were done. In stead of calling the grocery store, I took off down to the store to retreave my fax.

To my amazement, there was no fax! As I was driving home, I was asking myself what that was all about. Why did I get that phone call?
I went back to work, customers had come in while I was gone, so I took care of their orders.
Two days went by and I was getting ready to leave for the weekend. I went to get my purse and it was GONE! I couldnt find it ANYWHERE... I always put it in the same place, so I woudlnt go half crazy trying to find it, so, I was going NUTS knowing it was GONE!

I finally called the credit card co. to tell them my purse was missing, they checked on accounts to see if anything was amuck...and sure enough..that day I got that weird fax call, my credit card was being charged for beautisupplies in a town 200 miles away!!!!
SHE HAD STOLEN MY PURSE!
I called police, told him exactly what happend, and, he put it out on her..they caught up with her in a matter of hours because of my credit card number she was using and traced her back to Missouri.

I have never been so dissapointed in a "friend" as I was in that moment!

BUT, I would forgive her in an instant if I knew she has learned anything thru it all, If she was trully remorsefull?

I never felt so loved in all my life as I did in Harper, but once we finally had to move back to my hometown, I have had some contact with some of them, but, not many.
the one I was closest with doesnt keep in touch at all.
The friend that talked me into going down there, we saw each other three or four times the whole 2 years I was down there!
That really hurt me. Sometimes I feel like she felt responsible for me going down there and it being such a bust. We just never really had time to talk.
Maybe having friends down there that cared, gave me new faith in people, new love for people, and new acceptance of people, which I felt in return...I dont know but it was a great place to live. I have so many stories to tell, but wont tonight.

Following Faith, finding peace....searching for spiritual oneness, fullfilling basic needs...
brings one to that place called happiness!
awww will it ever come close?
My decision to move away from my home town has to happen, or, I will not ever find this peace Im searching for. I feel so much pain, bitterness, and dissapointment in my life here, I dont know if Icould ever over come it.

Im not sure Rob wants to move, but, Rob doesnt know what he wants...I just know, I dont want to be burdened by him, is he too far gone to ever become peacefull to live with, or is it always going to be the caotic mess i have now?
I cant deal with it much longer.
Oh GOD...I ask , why, did I end up in another relationship with an alcoholic, when I KNEW I couldnt live with one, giving up Mark.....
The other thing I have not found peace about was how John gave me such joy, and feeling of hightened love that I still cry, missing him, missing how he made me feel!
BUT the pain he gave me was even more painfull, a pain I have never felt before.

That has been the most painfull of all happenings in my life the one that almost killed me almost sent me over the edge, sent me to the depths of dispair. Loosing 4 members of our family to the semi running over their car, took me low, lower than ever, loosing my mother, aunt, daddy, business, all have been tremendously painfull, but, nothing was the loss of John.
The unanswered questions the inability to see it for what it was.
The pain of knowing it would never come about by him again.
The inability to let go of the need to feel like that, but, the inabiility to let go of the fear of ever having it happen again, keeps me from wanting to have another real relationship.

Pain caused by Rob is real, but, I knwo he wont ever leave me!
I have left all other relationships because of fear of being left.
So I left first....
it wasnt so painfull if I left because I could prepare myself for the pain, I could predict when it was going to happen and prepare for it.
But, when I got left, I had no warning, no signs that showed me it wsa going to happen, at least no signs that I was reading, nor picking up on.
No patter I was familure with.
he was just gone.

thankfulness?

Are we thankfull for the many blessings that have been brought upon us?

Why were we blessed with such wealth, such beauty, so many good things in our United States
and, why, are we throwing it all way?

I know I have not been thankfull enough for all that has been around me, even tho I felt like I was thankfull, I still complained about plenty of crap.
I see the negatives in my life, they have over come my mentality, and, I want to see the positives!
I want to see how life has been hell, and, now, I have a chance to GET OUT! and, do what I WANT TO DO
but, what is that?
How do I make it happen?

When I watch the documentaries of the war torn countries, and watch the women struggle in life, it makes me realize my life hasnt been THAT BAD!
I can only hope, GOD can forgive me for taking so much for granted, and help me know, my life is worth while, and HE WILL LEAD me to do what it is I was put on this world for!

I can only hope and pray, He knows Im still here!

I have begged I have pleaded, for my life to change, I guess Im asking for the wrong things.
the pain, the loneliness, the asperation of not knowing where to look for answers, seeing the world around me lacking so in caring about their surroundings, people around them, and knowing profit is always the number one reason people help people!

Where can life from here go?

so difficult not to be negative

In the days behind me, Im wishing I hadnt advertised we were closing, now, business has dropped of completely. We didnt even sell 100.00 for lunch! not good when we HAVE to have 500.00 a day to make a profit. We have not had many of those days, and that is why we are closing!
The right location....
I thought by being in a mall setting, food court, with at that time 5 venders, it was a GREAT location!
but, one by one, over two years each has dropped off,taking more and more business with them.
The biggest blow was when Subway pulled out, it was over for us.
Even tho while they were there, we probably held a close second to their sales, once they pulled out, we lost all draw. People wouldnt even come in the door, they would look to see that Subway was gone, and keep on going.
I wish I would have pursued franchising, but, I just didnt know how to do it.
That has been my problem all my life, I have ideas, but, can never find anyone to help me develope them. When a person has not many friends in life, and, not many family, where does one turn for help?

This town is so "religious" but, yet, claims to be such a wonderful place to live, why am I so lonely!
Why cant my businesses develope, and survive?
Why cant I make a living here?
IM struggling to not get depressed, and climb into my hole, where i have had to climb out of so many times.
I have had to start over, and over, and over, and always tried to keep a positive attitude about being placed there by "the LORD" isnt this how good Christian people live their lives?
Arent we supposed to have
"FAITH"
"TRUST"
"LOVE"
"HOPE"

How do I hang on to sanity?
How di I hang on to hope?
Hope for things not seen, but, faith to know life will change?
How do I give love when there is no one there to receive it?
Why am I so alone?

My life as I have known it, is over, I have to believe it is going to get better, for with out that hope, I will surely sink to the lowest levels of self pitty. I dont want to go there, I dont want to live in sorrow, and pain.
I want to rejoice, recycle every laugh I have had, recycle every feeling of love, and passion....

I want to love, be love, give to, and be given to, see life in a whole new face, see GOD, for what HE TRULY IS?

Does anyone really know GOD?
I mean in the Bible when ever someone saw God, they dissapeared, vanished off the face of the earth!

I can understand giving up

When one has lost everything, except two most important things, how does he go on?
People keep telling me to hang in there, where else would i go?

Loosing my business, is almost as painfull as loosing my dad last year.
It was my lifeline, my goal in life, my desire, my passion. Now its gone, im 52, unskilled, bad economy, my home town doesnt pay for labor, they expect it to be cheap labor.
Im so alone, no one was there to support me during my dads death, oh sure they are there when the loved one dies, and, then, they are gone.
Loosing my business, no one is there...but my live in partner, has been there thru these past 4 years, even tho he was drunk most of it. As long as he doesnt verbally abuse me, I can deal with it, but sometimes living with him is so unberable. I feel so trapped. I cant afford to pay for help, he lives with me, for basically beer money, and, then, companionship, altho its not sexual.

There was another thing I never understood, he and I had a decent sex life before he moved in with me, but after he moved in, he decided he didnt want that type of relationship.
It blew me away, but by that time, I was committed to being his room and board for help.

Life sux then you die!

closing business

I wish I hadnt advertised closing on Sept. 20th, I thought, just thought maybe people would want to come in and get their last bit of great bbq before it was too late I felt it was the right thing to do, giving them fair warning.
But, once again I have been left down by the people in this town. We have had the worst Saturday since opening back in my home town 2 years ago.

Being 52, is not a good age to be finding ones self unemployeed with no real job skills, and in a bad economy as we have now. It makes me so angry to hear Bush telling people "America is better off today than 4 years ago."
4 years ago, I owed 600.00 on one credit card and had 20,000.00 in stocks, today, I owe over 85,000.00 on 6 credit cards, trying to keep my bbq going, and, have gone thru my dads inheritance he worked so hard to save up for me, IN ONE YEAR! I will never see the end of day on this debt thing, and, with 7.00 an hour jobs here, there is no way I can ever pay it off.
I wont file bank ruptsy, but, I really dont have a clue what I will do.
Will Oprah, come in and save my day?

Being young and adventurous is one thing, but, being old, tired and worn out, and having failed at everything i have ever tried, gives me little hope for something wonderful to happen.
I have always believed I lived my life in Faith, but, my Faith is wearing very thin at this time.

Being stranded in my home town where I have felt so rejected, is not what or where I want to be in this time of my life.
IS anyone out there, can anyone hear me?

vacation?

I just came home from vacation with my daughter, and grandchild.
Isnt a vacation supposed to give you relaxation, and, rest?
How can one get those two things when all they get off in 4 years is 2 days off work!

I cant do this much longer, and, I dont know how to get out of the hell I am in.
I have tried to talk to people, ask for their advice, nothing ever changes, no one can give me any advice. Their advice are things that I have already tried, and already have failed at, nothing works to build my business. The business, that should have been the biggest success in Newton!

I have failed once again in the eyes of friends, and family.
I have tried so many businesses, and nothing ever flies!

I had a business in 1976, and it should have worked, but, people chose to come in, get ideas for their crafts, and then walk out and make the item themselve, and not support my business to keep me in business. Then, in 1977, I lost my lease, to one of the bigger stores in town, they rented my building from under me. I was just starting to make a profit, and, then I had to move again. Two blocks off of main street. I had to advertise three times more than ever, and, buisness fell of 50%. I would see people in the grocery store or somewhere in town, and they would ask, what happened to my store, why did i move off of main, and where did I move?
After explaining the situation to them, asking to to come look me up, then on Broadway, the support didnt follow. With in 6 months, I had to close, broke, and in debt.
Little did I know, that, with in 1 week of closing, my whole life would change, and, I would loose 4 people in my husbands family.

Life, as I knew it, being accepted by people who knew nothing about me, they loved me and accepted me, and, they were taken away, in an instant, killed by a semi driver, who failed to stop at a construction sight, killing 4 people in our family, mom, dad, two sisters. Four people who had wonderful lives, and projects going in life, taken away from many people who loved them very much.
AND NO ONE TALKS ABOUT THEM>>>>my kids know very little about their grandparents, and two aunts, because they are mentioned so few times. It has been so painfull to talk, that the children never got to know them......how sad.....

MY buisness closed, I lost my family, and, the death of life as I knew it, once again....

My first rejection came with my adoption, I mentioned that earlier in the first few pages.
Being rejected by my own mother, for, another man, an already messed up life, she knew having me in her life would cause nothing but more problems, and, wanted more for me.

I know in my heart she did what she felt was the best thing at that time.
I know some how she knew my adoptive mother, but, no one will admit that.
No one will allow me to know anything about before I was born. The stories I have been given nothing matched, no two stories were the same.

I have had so many stories told to me, by so many "biological" uncles, and aunts. Who do I believe? They are all gone now, not one of them is alive, but, the youngest, and, she is a hypocondriac who doesnt remember anything about my mothers life because she was in California at the time, where my mother went, to visit..with her husband, and my two youngest siblings. I think for the first time in her life she was happy, and, her life was cut short at 35.
Leaving 4 or 5 older siblings, orphaned, beaten, molested, put in foster care, orphanages.

And, TWO younger siblings left with their father, who, after a year or two, found he couldnt deal with having two young children, and, gave my sister up for adoption, then, lost his son to srs, when his wives abused Micheal.
Child abuse, once again, changed lives in my family, I was not abused, physically, but my life has been so screwed up, why cant I get into my life and know what the fuck is going on?

We, all siblings have finally found each other, we all had different lifestyles,
we all have different outcomes in our life, but, all have been so fucked up!

who do YOU trust?

The world had changed,
retrofusion
vampires
Since the 6th century
war its self became more perilis
weapons have evolved
one goal
hunt them down kill them all one by one
successfull campaign, perhaps too sucessfull
I am obsolete,I used to live for it...

Jesus was ________?
he taught everlasting life
drink MY BLOOD
and have everlasting LIFE
One must know the evil, to know the good
We all believe things are good because we have only lived in it....

Living in the bad, knowing the shit of hell.....makes one yearn for the good times, look fore the good times, and not know how to get them back

Everyone tries to get a person scooted over to a church, to be in a church inviroment, but, there isnt the one on one, the real friendships formed.
When in a prayer circle, they tell short stories of the problems at home, ask for prayer, then, expect the problem to go away.
How many people have really received the help they needed when going thru hell, in a church?
I know they are out there, but, where?
who?
I have gone thru hell the past several years, and, no one, NO ONE, could help.....
I begged, cried, asked for help, but, not one person offered any type of help, or, even few said they would pray for me, and the other day, Tad seemed the most genuine when he said he would pray for me! I think I can trust him.


I can only hope Carol prayed for me, but, she didnt say she would.

The Lawyer hasnt called me back, even tho i called twice on Friday.
How do I survive in a town I feel so little care and love from?

I dont even know who I can trust.

new days coming along

Sept. 3, one year ago today my daddy died. He was a gentle man, not very smart in todays terms. He only went to the 6th grade, and then, didnt get to finish it. In those days, they had to work, no matter how old. When time came to work in the fields, it didnt matter how much school work was assigned. He had to quit to work. He and my mom didnt have any kids of their own, she wasnt able to get pregnant. They adopted me at 13 days old.
Back in 1952, they had to own a home, and, have 1000.00 in the bank before they could even talk to anyone about adopting. Working in a refinery for most probably a very low wage, he was able to put enough money together to not only talk to the adoption people, but, to adopt me!
They took me out of a very broken family, a mother who already had 3 children, a husband who left for the army, and only came home on leave long enough to get her pregnant again, then leave. She became pregnant with me, but I dont know if he was my sperm donor or not. Some biological uncles and aunts, have told me she was pregnant with another man. Everyone is dead now who can tell me the truth. Over the years, I have found my siblings, 3-me-3 more, then, there was the 2 before the first three, by his first wife. Who he was married to when he married our mother.

Back to my daddy, even tho he never had a high paying job, the most he ever made an hour was 6.25, he worked some times, 10 hours a day, 7 days a week. I never heard him complain about having to go to work, or being tired!
There was always plenty of food on the table, enough money to remodel our modest home. My mothers kitchen was the envey of all the neighbor ladies!
I am told by cousins, I was the envy of them all, I always had the newest, bestest toys.
But, I never knew my daddy. He never talked to me, and never played with me. I never had a one on one talk, never had him ask where i was going or who i was going with. My mother always had to know, and always had to make sure I wasnt getting into trouble, not that my dad didnt care, I just think he didnt know how to show it. I know he loved me and my mother, but, I never felt it emotionally.

One year ago today he died, he was a broken lonely man, so lonely, I feel he died of lonliness!
After my mother died, 10 years ago, it was as if he died. All of their friends kind of forgot he was around, quit going to see him, quit going out to dinner and inviting him.
I had just gotten sepreated from my 2nd husband, who was an alcoholic. My mother had just died, and I had just moved to a new town, only 30 miles away, but, daddy didnt drive to the city anylonger, so, I was not close enough to him to come see me. I didnt know how terribly lonely he was, even tho I could hear it in his voice, I could hear the strain in his voice as he talked, as he told me how he didnt have anyone to have dinner with how he didnt have company. How he would go over to his friends homes, and feel unwelcome. HE was so lonely, and I was so far away. Emotionally, and miles. I was so selfish, I wanted my OWN life, I wanted to not have anyone to deal with, I wanted to live a life I had nevr had a chance to live while I lived in my home town. For the first time in my life I was dating, I was going out having a good time, and, I didnt have to worry about what my mommy said, or how she would dissaprove of who I was going out with. Even tho she never ever told me she dissaproved of the men in my life, in fact she seemed to like my first two husbands very much. She never told me so, she never offered her opinions, maybe because as a child, I had grown to hate her for NOT giving me her opinion?
Funny how, I felt so overly protected, I protested, then she just quit telling me how she felt about the things I did, but, by that time I was so ingrained with feelings that she dissaproved of me that I couldnt get past the rejections.
BUT THE LOVED ME....I know they did, why didnt I feel it?
Why didnt I know it? Why didnt I accept it?
Why did I feel so rejected even in their home?


Rejections, I have carried them all of my life,, from birth, childhood, teen years, adult hood.
Today, is my ultimate rejection to date.
I had to close my business, after I had moved away from my ex, my dad, and my home town....I gained enough balls to open a restraunt. In my home town I had tried to be self employeed most of my married life. I had a craft store, just as it was starting to turn a profit, a local church group bout out my building and moved me out.
I didnt see it as a blessing at the time, but, one week after I had to close, my first husbands family was killed in a car accident. We lost 4 valuable people in our life, in an instant!
If ever there was pain in life, it is loosing one person to death, but, 4 people in one accident, is unbearable! Life changed for all of us in that one instant. married, 1969-1982.6
Marriage ended 3 years after the accident, we werent strong enough to deal with all of the pain.
Lonliness was a big factor, life had changed, and we didnt know how to cope....




I tried several multilevel types of things, the pink makeup, lots of others after that, but, I just couldnt find enough people to make me rich!!!
Even tho I talked to lots of people, trying to get them to join up, they would in turn, join up undersomeone else! After a while, the rejections just got too much.
I soon started cleaning houses, and throwing local newspaper motor routes.
I tried my hand at customer service rep for the local newspaper, and cable company, but, both jobs came down to too much stress, and I quit before being there two years each.
Today I closed my restraunt, which I moved to my home town, to be closer to my dad. I signed a 3 year lease to a mall, and, felt it was such a good location. I had moved back from a small town 90 miles from my dad. They accepted me, they made me feel loved and accepted. BUT, I couldnt make a living there, I was racking up debt daily, to the tune of 60,000.00! All on credit cards!

My second husband had lived all but his first 6 years with out his biological dad.
I helped him find his dad, after 30 years of thinking he was dead....as his mother had told him when he was a child. He grew up in the shadow of his fathers drinking days, became an alcoholic, and dissaproved of by his mother because he reminded her of his father.
We found his dad, and after 6 years of good relationship, cutting back on drinking, becoming a more loveable man, his dad died, leaving him with almost 500,000.00 which....we went thru in less than 4 years, not lving high on the hog, but, by bad business ventures, in a home town where we just didnt fit in. Once again, his drinking took over, my mother died, and I left.
Not being strong enough to cope with the changes, the life I couldnt deal with, the stresses of life, I ran away once again....

Today, once again, my life is changed in an instant,
I have gone thru almost all of the money my dad left me, he was never paid more than 6.25 an hour, but he had an estate of almost 100,000.00! To which I now have only about 28,000.00 left! in ONE YEAR!
My restraunt never took off here in my home town, where I moved back to, to take care of my dad, he died after my first year here, leaving me with two years left in my lease, I had boughten a house, and trying to make it in business.
Today, my life changed, once again... I had to close, I just cant afford to keep it open anylonger.
We had the BEST FOOD in town, but, the location was 3 miles off of main street and people didnt like to drive out there.
WE quit paying rent in December, I payed up 1/2 of the rent after I sold my daddies house, but, today, they evicted us.

Today my life changed again.

Life in Kansasgals head

Life in Kansasgals head ok its going to take a while to figure out how to do this, as i work on it, please know, im under construction, always looking for a way to better myself. will you join me?

Today is the first day of inside kansasgalshead

I write emails to myself all the time, but, the other day, i thought, well, gee, if i die, no one will ever know what is going on in this lame brain of mine.
I was in a weird mood tonight, so, I put something like, "something really weird" in my search module, and, wala, up came something really weird. A BLOG....a young man writing his feelings about the war in Iraq. Now, this would not be so weird, as in its self, but, this young man is from IRAQ. It was his personal diary, then, his mothers, etc. It was a very nice insite into what is really going on there. I have been so very tired of watching the mainline news and listening to the political races, and all the lies they are telling us.
I can only hope, by reaching out, writing what I feel, and believe, someone will read it, and maybe agree with me, and, possibly find a real person in life to communicate with. Most people dont have a clue what is really going on in the world around them, and, to talk to anyone about current events is practically impossible!
so...talk to me....Kansasgal2, get into my head.....