those who join me in my head--hello---is anyone there?

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Life in Kansasgals head: 4 helmets, a bucket list on a fence = Family

Life in Kansasgals head: 4 helmets, a bucket list on a fence = Family

4 helmets, a bucket list on a fence = Family

Given away at birth
Into a family unkown
Given to those who cared
Loved and wanted

Given to those who knew nothing about the birth
Who gave too much attention to the baby
And pushed away as the baby grew to into the child

The child, was what she was called
Names changed as time went by
First baby Rooks
Then Cynthia Elaine Budde

Cynthia named for a soap opera ho who had many lovers
Elaine, for that intellectual one sounded too grown up for the child
Some how along the way the child became Cindy
Never knowing who she was and seldom did anyone care enough to find out

Walking home from school was always a thrill untl the boys caught up and made fun
And chanted about her being ugly or stupid
Or the girls walking by not even to say hello

Seldom was there a day to walk home chatting along the way happily with a friend who seemed to really care
Off they went moving a way, never got to know them very long

WAtching from the wall hung picture, watching the life moving on
Fun, laughter, beautiful colors of gift wrappings being unwrapped
All the others were enjoying as she was watching from the wall hung picture

Fast forward 40+ years,
Wandering thru the wilderness
Chosen paths with many branches

Tuesday was the day she was born
And Ruby is her stone
Rubes a name of endearment chosen

Watching life from the wall hung picture
Rubes has tried to fit in
More secluded and alone she becomes where perhaps
She actually might find who
She is

Why she is

Where she is

Thank you for going on the journey with her
So her life can become more than a wall hung picture
Watching life from afar
Wishing she was a part of the fun and laughter
To become a part of a FAMILY

@CEM Jan 14, 2012

Sunday, January 01, 2012


Another year gone, what do I have to show for it?
July 7 1952-
Jan 1-2012-

another year paid on my home, no improvements made because I cannot afford the cost of even little improvements. 2012- came from nothing- going out as nothing...

Another year gone, how far have I gone?

5 houses around the block and back.....
I have made 21 moves in my life time
I am 59 and feel as tho I have learned so little
in all of the experiences I have had

When I speak to councelors, they fall asleep
when I speak to friends from years back
they tell me they live vicariously thru me
when i speak to friends from today
they know little from the deep blue see......sea....
why is it my friends who seem to know me are on facebook....
where there is no physical intimination......
but plenty of emotional atraction......
but the one friend I love the most, says im such a drama queen....
and returns so little little to hold on to.....

the one thing i have always wanted.....

and its the perverbial carrot dangling in front of my face

your not good enough
your not pretty enough
your not thin enough
your not rich enough
your not funny enough
your not smart enough
your not cool enough
your not there enough
your not .....enough.....

your too emotional
your too fat
your too stupid
your too .....

ok get the picture.....

Amazing Grace how sweet tit is
to save a slut like me.....


there are boys in my lawn....the grass is always greener on the other side....

I watched from a far, knowing he was a "boy"
my first notice of being different from all the other kids in school,
telling my mommy, "Oh yes I loved school,
i even got to meet a boy, and he is a BOY!!!"

I do not remember what my mommy's remark was
but from that day on, I knew my vision was to find
that love I had felt for the first time.... what did i feel?
I dont have a clue, but he loved me, and i loved him, and it was going to be for ever and ever.....

he noticed me, he treated me nice, he even gave me his mothers necklace in the 3rd grade for christmas.....
my mommy made me give it back saying it was most probably his mommy's....

I lost track of him after that, I moved to another town in the 7th grade
and I vaguely remember him being sent to a different school, he sent me a graduation invitation. I always wondered how he got my address because I know I never gave it to him, or anyone else, no one from my gradeschool asked for it.... I became lost- and un-remembered....

In 2010, I found him on Facebook....and he didnt remember me....never had a crush on me, never gave me a necklace....cuz he doesnt remember me.....more invisible, have never existed.....

one friend came to stay with me after moving to my new town
I took her on a double date, and the guy tried to take advantage of her all night long.....
she went home, I never heard from her again.....
I wrote her and told her I was sorry for his behavior, I had asked my boyfriend who was a Fr in college.....

What in the world was I doing dating guys from college when I was just a freshman in highschool!!!! meaning I MET THEM WHEN I WAS still an 8th grader!!!!!!

the boys in my jr high didnt notice me so, I took what came cousins friends....he was like my big brother, the one I looked up to.... he was 4 years older than me....his friends were too...but he was my cousin....
the one who took me to the drive in movies with his friends....
then by myself.....
and the moves were made....
I said "no" your my cousin....I lost a friend that night....
a cousin, a brother....lost family.....

my first experience of sex getting in the way of a relationship.....


Somewhere in my 12th year, my first kiss happened
he tasted like corn....yuck.....

I never saw him again after that Friday night which felt so right
but tasted so terrible......

I just want to be ok, I just want to know that my life will someday
be the one which was worth living.....

which was worth the journey....
will my life be one which was worth living?

Saturday, December 31, 2011

flushed- down-

ever have that sinking filling that all was not what it was supposed to be?

all of my life i have been guided by the Christian heritage
adopted out of mormanism

i kept my eyes on jesus, wanting so, to be with him in my walk
i evern fell in love with men with dark hair, beards, feeling it would bring me closer to a G)D so miss understood

so confused
so lost
but yet feel so much different than others who have no god

knowing im saved because thats what they have told me

"Believe upon him and have ever lasting life"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Man I love
or is it MEN....

standing up for a man i loved
who gave me the only sight of what i believe is gods heart
the lust was so strong when we first met
omg i would give anything to be with him
and i did....
family, please forgive me for leaving you...standing on the front porch the day
i drove away....

we have never spoke of that day and how it made you feel....
I didnt see the pain it gave to you
for all i could see was the pain i felt, the hurt and sorrow un healed
my life was so lacking of hope
faith could not take hold
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ after leaving....

I knew not where my soul laid yet
and I didnt know how to love you

I never knew what I was giving up until IT was totally gone....
Please forgive me for not being available for your lives to grow

God knew I needed help with you
he gave me your wonderful dad
your faithful nanna and poppo
how did you feel about being there
did you find great joy and fun?

or was it just sitting in front of the tv
and waiting for mom to come get you....

you had experiences with dad I never experienced in my life
you have been blessed with the family i so wanted, and felt i had lost

after Grandma and Grandpa and LIsa and Kathy left
my family was gone.....Rod and Debby left us, the neuclear was gone

and now, I know Im not the nuclear anylonger

i feel as tho i have been flushed down the toilet
before even getting to sit on the thrown


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Dec 31-2011 6:21pm

and he has treated me so harshly

is it normal to want to spend the day
with the person you fell in love with 31 years ago today....
divorced in 1997, and living back together for 4 years ago today?

we have had some really difficult times over the last 31 years....

but i have stood beside him time after time
with my family turning their back on me over the last year
because i have stayed the trail with him, and he pushes me away time after time...

its like a slap in the face now after asking if we could invite some friends over
for tonight and he refused

and at 4 say's

"im going over to see some friends, Ill be back at 7"

he has yet to come home at the time he ever says some times being 2 days later

tearing my heart out time after time
always forgving what i do not ever recieve an "im sorry" for

how stupid can i be, how much love does one deserve

i think my heart just got flushed down the drain


The days are moving faster, the years have flown by
so many mistakes so few successes
life is the most challenging it has ever been at this point of my life

so alone
so secluded
the only interaction i have that isnt volitile is
those friends on FB
and they arent even people i know

its pretty depressing when my online friends know me better than
my home town friends

i have had many friends in home town
but, im the one who has to invite them out

twice in 3 years i have gotten an invite to lunch with a friend
other than with a realitive

how in the world has my world gotten so small

I have brought men into my life, whom i loved so very much
both have so many friends outside of me
and i am the one who wanted the friends

my tears are silent
my heart grows dull
love given to those i love
the old ones
the ones who knew me as a child
all of my life
i have watched from afar
as others had fun, going to parties
and being their
in the laughter
me...... off by myself watching from afar <<->>


talking to a boy was always a big cheer
only to have another girl come
take them away

the two i ended up with
were mine, until the sex ran out

sex...over love....

what do we do for love??

Saturday, May 14, 2011

10 year there life again?

ok, life has seemed to illude me,
im not sure how it happened, but loosing my buisnesses, my inlaws, my love, but the one thing that i have lost in life that i cannot live passion...

without passion, there is nothing to live for....
im not suicidal, im just not knowing how to do this thing they call life.....

everyone aroundme has hard times, lots of losses, but they keep going with a smile on their face....
I have been putting on a happy face for 10 years....
and cant seem to get thru it

Blogging hasnt helped there is no feed back, but, it does help me journal my distractions in life the things i have taken interest feelings
pages over pages of hurt the same pain over and over

the desire to find others who are like minded
who are hurting, and finding ways out of the muk
and puke

Alcoholics have each other

over eaters have each other

only when we find each other

an alien i am
alienated from others by my spirit
my depression
my negativity
my hurt
my pain
my desire to be accepted as i am

i dont even like who i am so why should anyone like me?

Sunday, April 03, 2011

we are not #1's yet...

This Dr. Makes so much sense, I pray there are ears that hear and eyes that see

and words to be said....

He claims we have yet another 100 years before Mankind is at the point of becoming fully awakened in the new awakenings.....

give me a shout on your ideas.....
I think its enlightening and refreshing

......Im ready!!