those who join me in my head--hello---is anyone there?

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Signs for coming here

I really have been trying to not have to file bank ruptsy, I hope, you realize how difficult it has been.
I wanted to become self sufficient so I wouldnt have to have a man in my life, or, have to depend on anyone else.
I wanted to be able to work for my self, and be self reliant.
I cried out to the Lord to give me wisdom, guidence, and, deliverance unto the path in which he has called me.
The path has been narrow, but wide, no railings and always the chance to fall off.
I have taken the path with no guidence, no early father to show me, and, no person to light my way.
I have cried out to GOD<>
I read the bible with no revealing stance
I beg for Gods love, understanding, and healing.
I plead for HIS mercy
I stand before your judgement!!!

In hometown, I felt as I had failed, I could not make a living, I could not hear GOD
I couldnt find life outside of work, and, my children didnt have a chance to learn to know me, nor I got to learn to know them, or, learn to communicate with them.
We have become alienated from each other, and, this trip, being gone from them, Im hoping to be allowed some time on phone, emails, and prayers, to become closer to them.

I asked God for a sign, that we could become better people by leaving, find a way to make a living, and in my heart, had hoped to fall in love with each other.
I love my partner, but, Im not in love with him, nor, is he with me.
I ache for love, I ache to be held, I ache to ache for a man.

Having James here this weekend, awakened those feelings, I so much want to feel love lust, passion again.


If I cant make some changes in my life, I don want to go back to hometown, I dont want to go back, feeling as tho I failed being in Florida.....I HAVE TO FIND A NEW ME<>>>>
I HAVE TO HAVE HELP~!~~~~~

Thursday, November 18, 2004

havent been here for a while

The move to florida was uneventfull, well, mostly.
We were to meet up with my two sisters, one from Texas, one from Muskogee, we ended up being late, and barely having time to meet up with Dinkie, from Texas.
We had a snack with her and Geo, met my nephew Tony, and, left with in an hour. We did not have time to go see if we could find Lou in Muskogee.
We drove on to Arkansas, had a great time with my friend Cyn, wish I lived there, I miss her so much. We had a toke, laughed till we cried, and left two days later.
Missouri bound, to see another sister, Annie, supposed to stay 2 days,but her constant chatter drove me to leave after 1 day. We were to go on to Tennessee and stay two weeks with Robs brother helping them with their house, but, seeing the caos, the total mess they lived in, leaving the mess we lived in, there was no way in hell we were going to stay long, we left in 2 hours!
driving on to a roadside motel, we checked in, Rob went out to see what some noices were, the lady at the office called asking if he had seen anything, telling us to keep our eyes open for theft going on, boy that gave a good nights sleep setting!
We got up and left early in the morning!
MAking it thru Atlanta, 8 lanes of traffic, HATED IT the whole while.
Drove to Dawlton Georgia, rented a room at Hotel 8, went to eat, got great service at a new mexican restraunt, then, went to get beer. Walked out, hit the key release, nothing happend, Rob tried to unlock with the key, and the alarm went off...sending the liqour store owner out to see what was going on. He ended up taking us to the Walmart to get some batteries.
He was so nice, so cute, and very intellegent. We got back in car, spent the night, and left.
Getting into Florida on Nov. what ever day it was.
It has been one day after another of nothing but shoping, driving, applying for jobs, and eating out, it is so boring here, I dont know if I can make it 6 months.
I dont dare say im bored, the last time I did that, I spent 10 years in Hell!!!!
What am I going to do...
I thought life sucked in Newton, why cant anything ever get better instead of worse.....
life sux then you die....
cant wait!


Tuesday, November 02, 2004

kansasgal2 (3:01:55 AM): oh darn your gonekansasgal2 (3:02:15 AM): im sorry i left the room awhile ago, rob was bugging me,and the only way i can have some peace is to walk away from him.kansasgal2 (3:02:34 AM): im rather worried how i will walk away from him when i live in a 12 x 40 trailerkansasgal2 (3:03:02 AM): you and i havent been able to talk for a long time, i dont know if you have read most of my emails. I hope your up to snuff on what is going on....kansasgal2 (3:04:57 AM): i also wanted to talk to you about the elections, we are with the british, the british took iraq, and put them into dictaorship, which caused them to go broke, and fall into the poverty they have lived in since ...sadam came and took it back from them, he gained back what was once iraq's the oil fields, and put the money back in their pockets...till the US came in and took Kuwait back....now....we are in the same boat as the british...kansasgal2 (3:05:59 AM): which candidate can see into the future by reading what the past is? for in how we handle it from now on out will be the deciding point....of.....to be continued may the best man WIN!!! OH WHAT A PRAYER< IM GOING NUTS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO TO VOTE FOR!!!!