Partner left in a state car, going to the state looney bin, and, this is the most distanced we have been in 6 years. It is scarey, not knowing what they will do to him, and not knowing how they are going to treat him.
He cant bullshit his way thru this time, hopefully....
Did he go because he didnt want to leave me? Or, just too chicken scared of living out on the streets alone?
The last time he went into street l iving, he was in california, and had a woman pulling him thru with her.
He has never stood on his own two feet.
He is afraid, and, what else?
What else has kept him from being the man he is supposed to be?
How can the men in the church help him?
I wish they would have stopped at PV to pray with him, but not one guy has offered to go see him or help him while he is there. As long as he came to them, they talked to him for a short while, but, have you noticed, no one has more than a few minutes for each other anymore?
WHAT IS IT THEY ARE ALL SO BUSY DOING
THEY ARE FUCKING RETIRED!!!!
Im so tired of being brushed off, and, when I finally open up...become vulnerable, they all turn and run....
How in the hell is a person supposed to get their shit together when everyone runs away?
no one wants to get involved anymore! AND IT SUCKS!
I cant even go into the ministers office and feel "free" to express myself with out feeling as tho I am taking up too much of his time...
He has a lot of time on his hands, but, seems to keep quite a few people in his office too, but...i think they are more the bullshitters than people in need.
Working in a church once again, and the one I grew up in...brings me full circle
but, hopefully I have grown alot, spiritually since then!
I stsill get so frustrated at the lack of "spirituality" in the church, seeing the religious stiff neckedness just makes me sick! but....
I try to not make waves, just pray for the people....
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Thursday, May 25, 2006
doesnt it seem strange, lost, codes, what is the cosmos trying to tell us?
For about 25 years the cosmos has been trying to tell me something...
I am only able to tune in ever so rarely, as life has kept me running to and fro, and no one to help guide me.
Life has been so difficult, and, yet, I know some of the new strength I have recieved is thru all the pain I have endured, but not many people really know about it.
The ones who know, only know part of it, as I have never been able to really get to the nitty gritty in my story, cuz everyone else has a story too....and, no one wants to listen with out giving advice, and I get so fucking tired of people telling me what to do, then, i do it, and my life goes crazy again!
Im able to have an evening with the cosmos and hopefully find some piece of the puzzle.
I just wish I hda someone to talk to face to face, online is nice but, face to face is so much nicer, but...no one wants to talk....
unless they are being intertained its not something most people do....at least not here in home town!
erase anything that is linked to pagen rituals
the church didnt want the world to know they have been in the world of paganism
Christ and Magdalene, Cyrus,
Faith on the sacred Union, sexual
Traditional Christianity, cannot see MAry as a Goddess....
creating her in the image that we want?
The church made her a saint...not something they would do if they wanted to put her in as a SAint?
Descentants, keep the royal blood line going
Speak in tongues
rituals
If Christains believed in anything like that they would be crucified
for heiresy...wasnt that what Jesus was crusified for?
while people stood back and watched My Jesus being stoned....(naturally!)
My Jesus was stripped of his clothes.....naked he walked.....
MY Jesus was beaten to red blood flesh stripped from his body with the scorge of the whip....
My Jesus was looking up at his MEN asking WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?
Doesnt it seem strange, that the Bible would quote four different stories?
dont they want the truth to come out? Or was confusion the name of the game?
Oh how I wish I had someone to talk to about these things..anyone here in hometown would think I was the biggest sinner believing the things I do...
like, Jesus was a partier, they dont want that to be known...
why else would he need more wine at the wedding?
curator of the church, legend made famous by the novel.
no normal renovation, image of Christs body, being removed after night fall
Mary, normally called a prostatute
sonaire, makes an astonishing find
pappia dosia sangral my spelling is awfull sorry
blood lines of Jesus, holy Blood, holy Grail
OK WHAT ARE ALL THESE CODES ABOUT?
is anyone out there trying to find the answers too?
please write me......
I am only able to tune in ever so rarely, as life has kept me running to and fro, and no one to help guide me.
Life has been so difficult, and, yet, I know some of the new strength I have recieved is thru all the pain I have endured, but not many people really know about it.
The ones who know, only know part of it, as I have never been able to really get to the nitty gritty in my story, cuz everyone else has a story too....and, no one wants to listen with out giving advice, and I get so fucking tired of people telling me what to do, then, i do it, and my life goes crazy again!
Im able to have an evening with the cosmos and hopefully find some piece of the puzzle.
I just wish I hda someone to talk to face to face, online is nice but, face to face is so much nicer, but...no one wants to talk....
unless they are being intertained its not something most people do....at least not here in home town!
erase anything that is linked to pagen rituals
the church didnt want the world to know they have been in the world of paganism
Christ and Magdalene, Cyrus,
Faith on the sacred Union, sexual
Traditional Christianity, cannot see MAry as a Goddess....
creating her in the image that we want?
The church made her a saint...not something they would do if they wanted to put her in as a SAint?
Descentants, keep the royal blood line going
Speak in tongues
rituals
If Christains believed in anything like that they would be crucified
for heiresy...wasnt that what Jesus was crusified for?
while people stood back and watched My Jesus being stoned....(naturally!)
My Jesus was stripped of his clothes.....naked he walked.....
MY Jesus was beaten to red blood flesh stripped from his body with the scorge of the whip....
My Jesus was looking up at his MEN asking WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?
Doesnt it seem strange, that the Bible would quote four different stories?
dont they want the truth to come out? Or was confusion the name of the game?
Oh how I wish I had someone to talk to about these things..anyone here in hometown would think I was the biggest sinner believing the things I do...
like, Jesus was a partier, they dont want that to be known...
why else would he need more wine at the wedding?
curator of the church, legend made famous by the novel.
no normal renovation, image of Christs body, being removed after night fall
Mary, normally called a prostatute
sonaire, makes an astonishing find
pappia dosia sangral my spelling is awfull sorry
blood lines of Jesus, holy Blood, holy Grail
OK WHAT ARE ALL THESE CODES ABOUT?
is anyone out there trying to find the answers too?
please write me......
Monday, May 15, 2006
Hello Ex!
Wow, Saturday was the most amazing day, Im still in a daze.
I had prayed for my ex, and my partner the night before. Not knowing where the partner was, and knowing he was supposedly in a detox, going into rehab on the next day, and supposedly into a half way house after the rehab, I have made up my mind I would sell my home in hometown and move to Colorado to be closer to my son.
Amazingly enough, early Saturday morning there was a phone call from my Ex!! Asking if he could come over, since I had not talked to him since Christmas, I was totally taken back. He said he would be over shortly, he was there with in seconds!
I was amazed at his quickness, when we were married it was the "social" thing to do ....be late!
I invited him in, since I had called him several weeks ago with a problem on my computer, that was his first thing he asked about, and, we ended up talking about computer talk for over 2 hours! Then I told him about my plans to go to Colorado this weekend to check things out, and, hopefully find a job, and apartment close to son....and to get my house on the market with in a couple of weeks. I asked if he wanted to buy the house...he said "I might!"
So we discussed him buying the house, I would leave all big stuff so not to have to move it, and, he would pay cash! WOW what a blessing that would be, plus he said I could leave all the stuff I couldn't get moved in the first truck if I wanted, and he would allow me to store it here till I was able to come back and get it.....
During lunch, I asked him what was the real reason for his call, and visit. He said he had a dream about us the night before. After some prodding, he finally told me he had dreamed we had sex. Then he turned bright red!!!
When we were together the sex was AMAZING! It was good enough to keep us together for 13 1.2 years!!! I was surprised at his answer, and, hadn't given "us" a thought since he had not returned phone calls since Christmas, I had let us go.....
When I said, "no" he came right over to where I was sitting and got on his knees and said "you know we had great sex together" It was all I could do to keep myself from falling into his hands....which is where he had me for all of those years. We may not have had anything else together but we had great sex, especially after a fight! It has been over 5 years almost 6 years for me, so it was all I could do to say "NO" As he was working on me the rest of the afternoon, he became rejected, and finally left. I on the other hand, felt empowered, and the final closure came when I remembered all the times he let me down, by coming home drunk, being too drunk to go to school programs, being too drunk to go to family reunions, nothing I ever wanted to do was accomplished by him with me. He was a great maintenance man, always fixed things that needed to be fixed, and boy is that a GREAT thing in a marriage! BUT...there is more....I wanted to travel, the closest we got to traveling was go to KC to see his dad after finding him after 26 years of separation.
As he tried so diligently to get me to say "yes" I kept asking myself if I wanted to get back into the need for sex. After a person does with out it for so long the desire goes away, and the pump definitely goes dry. I didn't allow my pump to be primed, and, even tho, wish I could have said yes one last time to him, I am glad I didn't. Partner, showed up drunker than a skunk soon after he left.....
and, once again, here I go again.....
now...I am sitting tight hoping ex will come thru with buying my house, so I can go on to Colorado.
I had prayed for my ex, and my partner the night before. Not knowing where the partner was, and knowing he was supposedly in a detox, going into rehab on the next day, and supposedly into a half way house after the rehab, I have made up my mind I would sell my home in hometown and move to Colorado to be closer to my son.
Amazingly enough, early Saturday morning there was a phone call from my Ex!! Asking if he could come over, since I had not talked to him since Christmas, I was totally taken back. He said he would be over shortly, he was there with in seconds!
I was amazed at his quickness, when we were married it was the "social" thing to do ....be late!
I invited him in, since I had called him several weeks ago with a problem on my computer, that was his first thing he asked about, and, we ended up talking about computer talk for over 2 hours! Then I told him about my plans to go to Colorado this weekend to check things out, and, hopefully find a job, and apartment close to son....and to get my house on the market with in a couple of weeks. I asked if he wanted to buy the house...he said "I might!"
So we discussed him buying the house, I would leave all big stuff so not to have to move it, and, he would pay cash! WOW what a blessing that would be, plus he said I could leave all the stuff I couldn't get moved in the first truck if I wanted, and he would allow me to store it here till I was able to come back and get it.....
During lunch, I asked him what was the real reason for his call, and visit. He said he had a dream about us the night before. After some prodding, he finally told me he had dreamed we had sex. Then he turned bright red!!!
When we were together the sex was AMAZING! It was good enough to keep us together for 13 1.2 years!!! I was surprised at his answer, and, hadn't given "us" a thought since he had not returned phone calls since Christmas, I had let us go.....
When I said, "no" he came right over to where I was sitting and got on his knees and said "you know we had great sex together" It was all I could do to keep myself from falling into his hands....which is where he had me for all of those years. We may not have had anything else together but we had great sex, especially after a fight! It has been over 5 years almost 6 years for me, so it was all I could do to say "NO" As he was working on me the rest of the afternoon, he became rejected, and finally left. I on the other hand, felt empowered, and the final closure came when I remembered all the times he let me down, by coming home drunk, being too drunk to go to school programs, being too drunk to go to family reunions, nothing I ever wanted to do was accomplished by him with me. He was a great maintenance man, always fixed things that needed to be fixed, and boy is that a GREAT thing in a marriage! BUT...there is more....I wanted to travel, the closest we got to traveling was go to KC to see his dad after finding him after 26 years of separation.
As he tried so diligently to get me to say "yes" I kept asking myself if I wanted to get back into the need for sex. After a person does with out it for so long the desire goes away, and the pump definitely goes dry. I didn't allow my pump to be primed, and, even tho, wish I could have said yes one last time to him, I am glad I didn't. Partner, showed up drunker than a skunk soon after he left.....
and, once again, here I go again.....
now...I am sitting tight hoping ex will come thru with buying my house, so I can go on to Colorado.
Friday, May 12, 2006
Here I go again
Partner started drinking again, 6 weeks after getting out of a 10,000.00 rehab!
I could see the signs comin on, but, he refused to be truthful. He said he was going to meetings, and maybe he was, but, he never got a sponsor, and, never asked me to go to any open meetings, so...who knows if he was actually going?
He had a good job, one he said he enjoyed, but....it gave him too much freedom, and, with in a week, he was drinking on the job...came home drunk, DROVE 30 miles home!
After telling me he would NEVER drink and drive having his license back meant all the world to him...yeah right...
I cant beleive I have fallen for his shit for 6 years!
I look back now, and, almost every 6 months he was in a dry out tank, or a rehab center, his sister says he has NEVER been sober longer than 4 years and she thinks that was when he was in the prison in California when he lost his lisence.
I really like him, cant say I love him with all my heart, but, for a companion we had a great time...except when he drinks too much. Cant say I ever felt secure with him, he didnt bring much into the relationship, financially or emotionally, so, why did I put up with him this long?
He doesnt know it yet, but, he is not coming back here. Im packing up his computer and clothes and few items that belong to him, and, moving him out.
I will take his stuff to his sisters with in the next week or so, when i have time.
I dont know how im going to have time to get things done once I start working for B.
If she ever signs papers for me to be her care taker, she is going to be taking up what little free time I have. Since partner is being kicked out, I will need the extra dollars that the care taker job will bring in...but...not going to have time to get rid of all my shit.
I wish I werent emotionally tied to so much of my furniture and crap...it makes it so difficult to unload my "life".
Being alone sux, but it is definatly better than living with a man like a brother.
I just hope he can find some happiness in his life, I just cant be in it anylonger.
I feel sorry for him, I really feel as tho I am giving up on him, which is what I said I would never do, but, I just cant deal with his behaviors anylonger.
He is doing nothing but dragging me down with him, and, I WANT TO LIVE before I DIE!
My son wants me to move to Colorado where he is, and, I am seriously concidering it.
but...I HAVE ALL MY STUFF!!!!!
and, I dont know how I will do it alone, it takes so much physical strength to pack, move stuff and load it...and, i have NO one to ask, everyone is in worse shape than I am, and older....
Sometimes I just feel like giving up...but...to me that looks like sitting on the couch the rest of mylife watching tv all night..and that really scares me!
IM TOO YOUNG TO GIVE UP.....sigh....
I ahve to get out of hometown, cuz, if I dont I will die here..a young age!
I could see the signs comin on, but, he refused to be truthful. He said he was going to meetings, and maybe he was, but, he never got a sponsor, and, never asked me to go to any open meetings, so...who knows if he was actually going?
He had a good job, one he said he enjoyed, but....it gave him too much freedom, and, with in a week, he was drinking on the job...came home drunk, DROVE 30 miles home!
After telling me he would NEVER drink and drive having his license back meant all the world to him...yeah right...
I cant beleive I have fallen for his shit for 6 years!
I look back now, and, almost every 6 months he was in a dry out tank, or a rehab center, his sister says he has NEVER been sober longer than 4 years and she thinks that was when he was in the prison in California when he lost his lisence.
I really like him, cant say I love him with all my heart, but, for a companion we had a great time...except when he drinks too much. Cant say I ever felt secure with him, he didnt bring much into the relationship, financially or emotionally, so, why did I put up with him this long?
He doesnt know it yet, but, he is not coming back here. Im packing up his computer and clothes and few items that belong to him, and, moving him out.
I will take his stuff to his sisters with in the next week or so, when i have time.
I dont know how im going to have time to get things done once I start working for B.
If she ever signs papers for me to be her care taker, she is going to be taking up what little free time I have. Since partner is being kicked out, I will need the extra dollars that the care taker job will bring in...but...not going to have time to get rid of all my shit.
I wish I werent emotionally tied to so much of my furniture and crap...it makes it so difficult to unload my "life".
Being alone sux, but it is definatly better than living with a man like a brother.
I just hope he can find some happiness in his life, I just cant be in it anylonger.
I feel sorry for him, I really feel as tho I am giving up on him, which is what I said I would never do, but, I just cant deal with his behaviors anylonger.
He is doing nothing but dragging me down with him, and, I WANT TO LIVE before I DIE!
My son wants me to move to Colorado where he is, and, I am seriously concidering it.
but...I HAVE ALL MY STUFF!!!!!
and, I dont know how I will do it alone, it takes so much physical strength to pack, move stuff and load it...and, i have NO one to ask, everyone is in worse shape than I am, and older....
Sometimes I just feel like giving up...but...to me that looks like sitting on the couch the rest of mylife watching tv all night..and that really scares me!
IM TOO YOUNG TO GIVE UP.....sigh....
I ahve to get out of hometown, cuz, if I dont I will die here..a young age!
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