well, Christmas is over...
boy did it come fast for you too?
I cannot believe it has come and gone, and,
we in Kansas actually had a white Christmas!
its been years since we have had actual snow to enjoy over the Christmas vacation.
We took Jessica to the "hill" in town, built (pile of dirt) at the local park, so when we did actually have a snow we could go enjoy sledding...instead of sliding down the entrance ramps of 1-35!!
or being pulled behind a tractor on snow skies pulled by a ski rope.....oh what fun!!
there were not many people out there, I think people have forgotten the joys of sledding...
Jessica had my old sled from the 50's, and she out slid those kids on the new fangled saucers, and tubes. In fact she sat down, rob pushed her, and I looked up only to see her coming straight for me, and 2 other people right behind me
I turned around and said," MOVE MOVE GET OUT OF THE WAY"....We all jumped out of the way, and she went air bound over one of the plastic tabogans...it was hillarious, just like something in a movie...we all just stood their and died laughing.....
(all except the guy I was yelling at, he looked at me like, "Lady why are you yelling at me?")
She landed and said, "Wow lets do that again"
Reminds me of the day I was riding my 125 Honda around the curve in Missouri, and I missed the curve, ended up going about 50 feet into some-ones yard...getting stopped about 2 ft from a trailer house. My (Briana) 3 year old sits calmly on the front of my bike and said "Wow mom do dat again"
As my heart pounded through my chest, I laughed until I cried realializing & knowing I could have killed my child...
BUT....all three of us have a sense of adventure.... :)
now, its GREAT to know my granddaughter is going to have one....YEHA...only hope I can help her go less painful paths.......and make it further than I did...before falling oft to painville....(getin old is for the birds!)
here's to my 7 year old adventurist....
Sunday ends the vacation with a dinner at the "Budde's" I was actually invited so ought to go..
Robs sister asked him to come help her with putting a stair case in her new home, since he owes her big bucks...I will take him up there on new years eve, to look at the place, and give her an idea how much it is going to cost.
We don't know yet, about his homeless shelter program, since the court date seems to be in limbo.
I thought we had it all figured out but, I guess God has other plans, I just hope we make the right choices, we have seemed to make so many wrong ones over the years....Living by faith over the years, not worrying about the consequences seemed a lot easier....took us down some wild roads, and gave us a lot of challenges...
now...asking for help spiritually, and, not really knowing if we are asking for God's will, or our own....is the challenge...
and waiting for his answers is teaching patience
seeking his wisdom, not really sure how to do this, for, reading His word doesn't always speak to Rob or I....is this because we have not been selected to receive, or be blessed with God's Word, or just don't read enough, it just seems so difficult to understand.....plus, I know....its a very big lack of discipline our own fleshly parts...(how does one get this?) I say I want to know the lord but, something keeps me out of the word....
Friday, December 28, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Shes coming back
Depression....the one that seems to know me best. It would be fitting to name her I guess? Depre' she is now named, and from now on will be known as Depre'. I have fought with her as long as I can remember, and to go back and figure out when she first started visiting me the best i can do is.....ALL OF MY LIFE. If I were to go thru therapy regression as they call it, I think, the day my bio mother held me, said good bye to me, kissed me and said "I will always love you but I cannot take you home with me" Depre' latched on to me and has never let go. My earliest memories of being depressed were the rejection of so called friends in our little home town of Potwin KS. Unknown to me at the time, everyone else was related to each other, and I was the outsider.
Not knowing that, made it hard to understand why the kids had birthday parties and didnt invite me. Why they all went to the same church, and all had so much fun together. Why the kids at the end of the block all played together and very seldomly invited me to come join them. Other than the fact that, when I would go into the house to my bedroom and stay there all day....not wanting to tell my adoptive mom why I was in my bedroom. She always wanted to go fix everything. I became embarressed when she would go out and yell at the kids
so, it was just easier to go to my room, and stay there. I remember crying alot....wishing I werent alone. KNowing I had brothers and sisters out there somewhere didnt help me much, it just made me want to know where they were.
Being alone, one would think I would have developed my imagination.
I remember laying in bed, looking at the light fixture, it had a design something like a lymbryth. I remember following the lines, hopeing it would take me to the place.....
Its time to go to work....the place....for now....
Not knowing that, made it hard to understand why the kids had birthday parties and didnt invite me. Why they all went to the same church, and all had so much fun together. Why the kids at the end of the block all played together and very seldomly invited me to come join them. Other than the fact that, when I would go into the house to my bedroom and stay there all day....not wanting to tell my adoptive mom why I was in my bedroom. She always wanted to go fix everything. I became embarressed when she would go out and yell at the kids
so, it was just easier to go to my room, and stay there. I remember crying alot....wishing I werent alone. KNowing I had brothers and sisters out there somewhere didnt help me much, it just made me want to know where they were.
Being alone, one would think I would have developed my imagination.
I remember laying in bed, looking at the light fixture, it had a design something like a lymbryth. I remember following the lines, hopeing it would take me to the place.....
Its time to go to work....the place....for now....
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Final time to kick out
Once again, he got a great job, he came home telling me he loved his job,
it was a total God given job, i could see Gods work in the whole thing,
and, after getting his training done, his shots, and his keys. Plus praise from his bosses. He took off on a binge, and screwed up big time.
DUI bad checks, the whole lot.
Humiliation was my feeling, knowing he had screwed up and basically slapped God, his boss, me, in the face once again.
I just felt dead inside, no anger, no pain, no emotions.
My friends thougth i was at peace.....
was it peace, or just plain being worn out, tired of trying...
He came home, I told him he was leaving, and if he didn't want to live on the streets again, he was going to the state hospital.
Which, is where he is now, but, I will not allow him to come back here
until he has proven himself.
I just cannot take it any longer,
I know, I should have sent him packing along time ago, but,
God ALWAYS closed doors, and, gave me mercy for hm, and each time he has gotten worse, each time racking up bigger bills, etc...
Now....most of my friends don't believe that, they think I was just totally being an enabler. Most probably so, but, in my heart of hearts, God would not allow me to give up on him. I still have not given up on him, I KNOW MY GOD IS BIG ENOUGH TO HEAL HIM...
Why is it, that no one else seems to stand with me?
Here I am in the middle of Bible Belt USA and no one can see how God is working and getting my faith built, and allowing him to become broken.
Unless a spirit has been broken, it is unyielding to the Holy Spirt.
Jesus, my Lord, Please make me a part of the solution
not a part of the problem.
I REFUSE TO GIVE UP....
Lord you made me stubborn, you made me put my feet to the ground and stand my ground. It was the only way I ever got anything I really wanted.
of course, now, people see me as spoiled, and most of my adopted relatives don't give a cow about me.
I am alone here, one or two who really know my heart.
I just want to make a difference in someones life....
but most people don't even know I'm alive...
When I was adopted in 1952, they thought i died...
so, its fitting that i have lived my life as an alien amongst strangers
I have made a quiet landing...just hoping to figure out how to live the rest of my life with out falling off the cliff, hanging on to one knot at a time......
it was a total God given job, i could see Gods work in the whole thing,
and, after getting his training done, his shots, and his keys. Plus praise from his bosses. He took off on a binge, and screwed up big time.
DUI bad checks, the whole lot.
Humiliation was my feeling, knowing he had screwed up and basically slapped God, his boss, me, in the face once again.
I just felt dead inside, no anger, no pain, no emotions.
My friends thougth i was at peace.....
was it peace, or just plain being worn out, tired of trying...
He came home, I told him he was leaving, and if he didn't want to live on the streets again, he was going to the state hospital.
Which, is where he is now, but, I will not allow him to come back here
until he has proven himself.
I just cannot take it any longer,
I know, I should have sent him packing along time ago, but,
God ALWAYS closed doors, and, gave me mercy for hm, and each time he has gotten worse, each time racking up bigger bills, etc...
Now....most of my friends don't believe that, they think I was just totally being an enabler. Most probably so, but, in my heart of hearts, God would not allow me to give up on him. I still have not given up on him, I KNOW MY GOD IS BIG ENOUGH TO HEAL HIM...
Why is it, that no one else seems to stand with me?
Here I am in the middle of Bible Belt USA and no one can see how God is working and getting my faith built, and allowing him to become broken.
Unless a spirit has been broken, it is unyielding to the Holy Spirt.
Jesus, my Lord, Please make me a part of the solution
not a part of the problem.
I REFUSE TO GIVE UP....
Lord you made me stubborn, you made me put my feet to the ground and stand my ground. It was the only way I ever got anything I really wanted.
of course, now, people see me as spoiled, and most of my adopted relatives don't give a cow about me.
I am alone here, one or two who really know my heart.
I just want to make a difference in someones life....
but most people don't even know I'm alive...
When I was adopted in 1952, they thought i died...
so, its fitting that i have lived my life as an alien amongst strangers
I have made a quiet landing...just hoping to figure out how to live the rest of my life with out falling off the cliff, hanging on to one knot at a time......
Thursday, November 01, 2007
We sold our dream
He was on one of his binge drunks, I prayed out to the Lord if he wanted me to get from under the stress of the BBQ for HIM to send a buyer for the BBQ.
We had no income for that week, and he finally got home from his drunk, and
I told him we needed to set up to sell BBQ that night.
We sat up at 4:30 as usual, and, was NOT busy, which was a first.
By 6:00 we were wondering where all our customers were.
At 6:30 a young couple and three little girls came up and ordered hot dogs.
Then, she came with a cell phone asking me to talk to Divina, who is our neighbor. I picked up the phone, and it was Divina, asking if the couple could look inside the BBQ Van, they were wanting to build one like ours to sell beans and tacos out of.
After talking for a short while, I asked if they wanted to buy this one, remembering the prayer I had just prayed earlier that week.
He said "how much" I told him 15,000. He said he was interested and would be back to look on Saturday.
Saturday came, and he actually showed back up, and, had his brother inlaw with him. He saw we were busy so asked if I would call him when it was time to close down so he could come back and look some more.
They showed up at 5:30 and left with a hand shake and a deal of paying cash, $12,500 for the BBQ Van!
WAS THAT A GOD THING OR WHAT!!!
We were under the impression they wanted to keep the BBQ and our name, etc
but, have now totally turned it into a taco wagon...
Our dream, is gone.
BUT GOD sent a buyer, it was so awesome!!
We sent out a note to all of our loyal "Booser Fans" and only one sent any response saying they were sad to see us sell. That was so devistating, do people not even care about anything anylonger? Guess we sold at the right time, if business was going to drop dead....
We at least sold it, didnt loose it like our first BBQ, that killed us emotionally.
IT shocked my partner into stop drinking!
or, at least out of his binge, he has been to detox, we went on a vacation to Missouri with hopes to move there.
The cost of living is so much less, but the wages are SO MUCH LOWER too.
Being scared is not something I am thrilled of feeling, one thing I have learned living on the edge has become the only way i have lived for 7 years. I dont want to live like that anylonger, but, going to Missouri for $6.50 an hour would totally SUCK!
Altho, my sister and her husband have asked us to bring our BBQ down there!
and, now we have no BBQ VAN!
Since the vacation, my first in 4 years...
We have the desire to move out of state, to start totally over, but....
not knowing about any real jobs down there, is the scarey part.
Do we step out in total faith, or, is my "maturity" finally kicking in...
I used to jump on the chance to move, and start over, but.....
When ever i have had a vision, and put it into motion quickly, but I have never succeeded financially. Always had great success in putting it together, but, never being able to make money to live on. SO WHAT AM I MISSING HERE?
We had no income for that week, and he finally got home from his drunk, and
I told him we needed to set up to sell BBQ that night.
We sat up at 4:30 as usual, and, was NOT busy, which was a first.
By 6:00 we were wondering where all our customers were.
At 6:30 a young couple and three little girls came up and ordered hot dogs.
Then, she came with a cell phone asking me to talk to Divina, who is our neighbor. I picked up the phone, and it was Divina, asking if the couple could look inside the BBQ Van, they were wanting to build one like ours to sell beans and tacos out of.
After talking for a short while, I asked if they wanted to buy this one, remembering the prayer I had just prayed earlier that week.
He said "how much" I told him 15,000. He said he was interested and would be back to look on Saturday.
Saturday came, and he actually showed back up, and, had his brother inlaw with him. He saw we were busy so asked if I would call him when it was time to close down so he could come back and look some more.
They showed up at 5:30 and left with a hand shake and a deal of paying cash, $12,500 for the BBQ Van!
WAS THAT A GOD THING OR WHAT!!!
We were under the impression they wanted to keep the BBQ and our name, etc
but, have now totally turned it into a taco wagon...
Our dream, is gone.
BUT GOD sent a buyer, it was so awesome!!
We sent out a note to all of our loyal "Booser Fans" and only one sent any response saying they were sad to see us sell. That was so devistating, do people not even care about anything anylonger? Guess we sold at the right time, if business was going to drop dead....
We at least sold it, didnt loose it like our first BBQ, that killed us emotionally.
IT shocked my partner into stop drinking!
or, at least out of his binge, he has been to detox, we went on a vacation to Missouri with hopes to move there.
The cost of living is so much less, but the wages are SO MUCH LOWER too.
Being scared is not something I am thrilled of feeling, one thing I have learned living on the edge has become the only way i have lived for 7 years. I dont want to live like that anylonger, but, going to Missouri for $6.50 an hour would totally SUCK!
Altho, my sister and her husband have asked us to bring our BBQ down there!
and, now we have no BBQ VAN!
Since the vacation, my first in 4 years...
We have the desire to move out of state, to start totally over, but....
not knowing about any real jobs down there, is the scarey part.
Do we step out in total faith, or, is my "maturity" finally kicking in...
I used to jump on the chance to move, and start over, but.....
When ever i have had a vision, and put it into motion quickly, but I have never succeeded financially. Always had great success in putting it together, but, never being able to make money to live on. SO WHAT AM I MISSING HERE?
Friday, October 19, 2007
The Birth of Jack
I should be ashamed of myself, my first grandson was born August 27th
and, i am just now writing about him.
Naughty grandma!
We are not the closest family. As much as I have tried to stay sane, and, give what i could to my children, i feel it was not enough, for they could really care less if i am alive or dead...
No one ever gave of themselves in my childhood, i have very few memories of people giving me love, but, material things...
my memories are in pictures only.
That scares me, because, why dont i remember the act its self?
My children have not cared to talk to me about my life or want to know.
I thuoght i was starting to have a good relationship with my son, but, i guess i shared too much, because he wont answer my phone calls now.
It breaks my heart, to be rejected by my own son, but, what can i do?
I will send him a box of cookies tomorrow, its going to cost over 12.00.
I know that doesnt sound like much, but, it is almost half of my weekly food allowance...
I had money when they were teenagers, but, only after they were out of the house...
, Their dad kept us from having money to do what i wanted, but had plenty to do whta he wanted.
I sacrificed my idea of vacation for his dream of fame in racing.
We never made a lot of money, it barely paid the cost of the event, but, it was our form of "vacationing"
i spent most of the time being drunk, wishing i was enjoying it with out being drunk...
but, sitting around in the dust, bullshitting with people who never had much to say, was not my idea of a vacation.
AFter his mom and dad and two sisters were killed in a car wreck, i left my emotional sanity at the door for a while...
When i came to, i was dead inside, i needed life, i needed guidence
but, i didnt know who to ask for help, i went to the church, they turned me away, i went to mental health venue, and they just took my money
I ran to other mens arms
learned the excitement was at least a feeling....
my friends lived vicariously thru my actions....
I left my childrens dad, with out viewing it thru their eyes, i just tried to hurt them as little as i could. If i stayed with their dad, and stayed dead emotionally, i was going to damage them even more...
I didnt know how to fix what was broken...from the start....
that was back in 1980, i remarried, and divorced after 13 1/2 years also..
now...
Its taken me 10 years to become more aware of my emotional state of being.
and no one to really share it with, other than my live in partner.
We are not passionately in love, but, have so many reasons we are together...
is, no passion, a reason to leave, and, move away from what companionship i have had over the last 7 years?
i am at a cross road once again, trying to figure out if im going to stay, or leave...leave a place i have not wanted to live since 1964...
My grandson....yes, my grandson, will he even know who i am....
little baby Jack, Nanna loves you. I can only hope, you will know who i am to love me back....welcome to the world...even tho its a screwed up mess....
im sorry, i have given you such a family to be in....
love, Nana
and, i am just now writing about him.
Naughty grandma!
We are not the closest family. As much as I have tried to stay sane, and, give what i could to my children, i feel it was not enough, for they could really care less if i am alive or dead...
No one ever gave of themselves in my childhood, i have very few memories of people giving me love, but, material things...
my memories are in pictures only.
That scares me, because, why dont i remember the act its self?
My children have not cared to talk to me about my life or want to know.
I thuoght i was starting to have a good relationship with my son, but, i guess i shared too much, because he wont answer my phone calls now.
It breaks my heart, to be rejected by my own son, but, what can i do?
I will send him a box of cookies tomorrow, its going to cost over 12.00.
I know that doesnt sound like much, but, it is almost half of my weekly food allowance...
I had money when they were teenagers, but, only after they were out of the house...
, Their dad kept us from having money to do what i wanted, but had plenty to do whta he wanted.
I sacrificed my idea of vacation for his dream of fame in racing.
We never made a lot of money, it barely paid the cost of the event, but, it was our form of "vacationing"
i spent most of the time being drunk, wishing i was enjoying it with out being drunk...
but, sitting around in the dust, bullshitting with people who never had much to say, was not my idea of a vacation.
AFter his mom and dad and two sisters were killed in a car wreck, i left my emotional sanity at the door for a while...
When i came to, i was dead inside, i needed life, i needed guidence
but, i didnt know who to ask for help, i went to the church, they turned me away, i went to mental health venue, and they just took my money
I ran to other mens arms
learned the excitement was at least a feeling....
my friends lived vicariously thru my actions....
I left my childrens dad, with out viewing it thru their eyes, i just tried to hurt them as little as i could. If i stayed with their dad, and stayed dead emotionally, i was going to damage them even more...
I didnt know how to fix what was broken...from the start....
that was back in 1980, i remarried, and divorced after 13 1/2 years also..
now...
Its taken me 10 years to become more aware of my emotional state of being.
and no one to really share it with, other than my live in partner.
We are not passionately in love, but, have so many reasons we are together...
is, no passion, a reason to leave, and, move away from what companionship i have had over the last 7 years?
i am at a cross road once again, trying to figure out if im going to stay, or leave...leave a place i have not wanted to live since 1964...
My grandson....yes, my grandson, will he even know who i am....
little baby Jack, Nanna loves you. I can only hope, you will know who i am to love me back....welcome to the world...even tho its a screwed up mess....
im sorry, i have given you such a family to be in....
love, Nana
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Being poor is....
this website cant say it any better. I started out with nothing, went to having everything, and am back to nothing....
hanging on to a bare thread at the moment, and scared to death!
I have NEVER been to the point i have no money to pay my bills, but, i am damned near close. thanks to the drunk who lives with me. I took him in because he needed a place to live, and because I needed help in life....
we are a perfect fit, except, he has over stayed his welcome, has become a real bum who could care less about anyone but himself.
I am so sick of it, but, yet, dont know how to change anything.
Jobs in this town suck getting paid 9.00 an hour is a "privelage"
they make me feel like I OWE them EVERYTHING for working for a fucking 9.00 an hour, in 25 hour weeks, when they KNOW i cant afford to live on that...
the head elder of the church, complains if i work over time, and, bitches when i
have to wear my other work clothes to work so i can make a fast get away to be to my other job on time.
I have tried to give my self, tried to be nice, and loving, but, im becoming bitter, and angry....
Im deperatly hanging on, i have written on my blog since 2003 i think. When my dad died, i lost my business, and, tried to move, start over and over and over
but, nothing is working...
I dont know what to do anylonger.
I have cried out to the Lord over and over, but, i dont hear anyanswers
I dont know how to make people hear me either....
When i open up, and cry, they shut down so fast, and, back away....
Im dying here, and no one gives a rats ass....
I know there are millions of people out there, why cant i FIND ONE?
Its as tho, I have become invisible, and, unvoiced.
Im ugly, over weight, and down on life, after loosing everyting in my life.
Job, lost everything, and still had faith...
Im trying to hang on, i trully am...
I am just so wishing, and praying, to find my purpose, my will, my desire
my passion in life.
Life is NOTHING WITH OUT PASSION....
I have had most all experiences but, nothing gave me hope in life like when i had passion.
I have cried out to Jesus, and, even tho, He seems to becoming more and more real to me, He isnt the Jesus they protray in church, or, reading from the Bible,
i feel so confused, but yet, no one else seems to "agree" they make me feel like some sort of totally lost soul....
The judgements I have gotten over the few months, have been terribly difficult to walk over. Jesus, had to walk over so many obsticles, how did he do it?
How did he keep his faith, of knowing he was walking in the right direction?
NO ONE in this town is going in the same direction as myself, or, at least no one has come aboard of knowing we are walking together.
My house mate/drunk/ says he is, but, he doesnt have a clue.....
he is just too drunk to have any sanity in his and my life right now...
He is a survivor, but, has lost his will to survive.....he just would rather drink, than work for a living.
He seems to think the money is just going to appear...
He wont admit where he gets the money for his booze, i know im not giving i tto him...and that really bothers me....if he can come up with money to get drunk
he can come up with money to pay bills...but...doesnt....and it pisses me off!
I cannot talk to him anylonger
he only hears me as
"bitching at him"
Dont tell me to go to alanon meetings, those women have lived out of distruction for so long, they have forgotten what it is like to live in it, or, are still living in it, and have no answers....
i have not been able to go to a meeting and "get it" so i quit going...
they say. "keep coming back" it works" but....i gave up....
I get off work, and im just too tired to face other people, so, i stay home
and get into my pity parties alone, at least i dont have to face others who dont get it either...
I just feel as tho, my life is drifting past me, im gettin older and older, but, not golder....
crotchity, and aches and pains, and mentally dissassociated
Im so sorry, i have failed so badly
I never have amounted to anything
i let my parents down terribly
I ended up divorced twice, which, even once in my adopted family was too many times!
It was nothing in my bio family to have people married, divorced, still married to first wife, while married to second, third, fourth....
shit, who knows how many wives he had!
and how many kids
his name was ROY ROOKS
if anyone is his kid, give me a holler
there are 7 of us that we know of, and im not sure if he is my bio dad, but, his wife was the mother of my other siblings
her name was Alberta M. Epperson/Rooks/Fisher
this is a long ways from my original beginning statements, but, this is where i began...
1952
Born of a poor woman
and the beginning of my daily blog is....what it is like to be poor....
back to my bigginnings
this website cant say it any better. I started out with nothing, went to having everything, and am back to nothing....
hanging on to a bare thread at the moment, and scared to death!
I have NEVER been to the point i have no money to pay my bills, but, i am damned near close. thanks to the drunk who lives with me. I took him in because he needed a place to live, and because I needed help in life....
we are a perfect fit, except, he has over stayed his welcome, has become a real bum who could care less about anyone but himself.
I am so sick of it, but, yet, dont know how to change anything.
Jobs in this town suck getting paid 9.00 an hour is a "privelage"
they make me feel like I OWE them EVERYTHING for working for a fucking 9.00 an hour, in 25 hour weeks, when they KNOW i cant afford to live on that...
the head elder of the church, complains if i work over time, and, bitches when i
have to wear my other work clothes to work so i can make a fast get away to be to my other job on time.
I have tried to give my self, tried to be nice, and loving, but, im becoming bitter, and angry....
Im deperatly hanging on, i have written on my blog since 2003 i think. When my dad died, i lost my business, and, tried to move, start over and over and over
but, nothing is working...
I dont know what to do anylonger.
I have cried out to the Lord over and over, but, i dont hear anyanswers
I dont know how to make people hear me either....
When i open up, and cry, they shut down so fast, and, back away....
Im dying here, and no one gives a rats ass....
I know there are millions of people out there, why cant i FIND ONE?
Its as tho, I have become invisible, and, unvoiced.
Im ugly, over weight, and down on life, after loosing everyting in my life.
Job, lost everything, and still had faith...
Im trying to hang on, i trully am...
I am just so wishing, and praying, to find my purpose, my will, my desire
my passion in life.
Life is NOTHING WITH OUT PASSION....
I have had most all experiences but, nothing gave me hope in life like when i had passion.
I have cried out to Jesus, and, even tho, He seems to becoming more and more real to me, He isnt the Jesus they protray in church, or, reading from the Bible,
i feel so confused, but yet, no one else seems to "agree" they make me feel like some sort of totally lost soul....
The judgements I have gotten over the few months, have been terribly difficult to walk over. Jesus, had to walk over so many obsticles, how did he do it?
How did he keep his faith, of knowing he was walking in the right direction?
NO ONE in this town is going in the same direction as myself, or, at least no one has come aboard of knowing we are walking together.
My house mate/drunk/ says he is, but, he doesnt have a clue.....
he is just too drunk to have any sanity in his and my life right now...
He is a survivor, but, has lost his will to survive.....he just would rather drink, than work for a living.
He seems to think the money is just going to appear...
He wont admit where he gets the money for his booze, i know im not giving i tto him...and that really bothers me....if he can come up with money to get drunk
he can come up with money to pay bills...but...doesnt....and it pisses me off!
I cannot talk to him anylonger
he only hears me as
"bitching at him"
Dont tell me to go to alanon meetings, those women have lived out of distruction for so long, they have forgotten what it is like to live in it, or, are still living in it, and have no answers....
i have not been able to go to a meeting and "get it" so i quit going...
they say. "keep coming back" it works" but....i gave up....
I get off work, and im just too tired to face other people, so, i stay home
and get into my pity parties alone, at least i dont have to face others who dont get it either...
I just feel as tho, my life is drifting past me, im gettin older and older, but, not golder....
crotchity, and aches and pains, and mentally dissassociated
Im so sorry, i have failed so badly
I never have amounted to anything
i let my parents down terribly
I ended up divorced twice, which, even once in my adopted family was too many times!
It was nothing in my bio family to have people married, divorced, still married to first wife, while married to second, third, fourth....
shit, who knows how many wives he had!
and how many kids
his name was ROY ROOKS
if anyone is his kid, give me a holler
there are 7 of us that we know of, and im not sure if he is my bio dad, but, his wife was the mother of my other siblings
her name was Alberta M. Epperson/Rooks/Fisher
this is a long ways from my original beginning statements, but, this is where i began...
1952
Born of a poor woman
and the beginning of my daily blog is....what it is like to be poor....
back to my bigginnings
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
is he going to run?
know I send out way too much junk, I hope you have room for one
spiritual mailing....
(the following websites are about Mother Teresa and how she lived with out knowing God, but her faith was big enough to keep doing what she felt He had called her to do.
Im still in AWE of Mother Teresa, and, learning she lived in the dark most of her life....
it came at just the right time for Us, and more and more is being revealed, please keep praying....
He is wanting to run, I know he is, he is scared, he doesn't understand the new world, and he misses his territory of hell....I am not sure he has tasted the good life, enough, with me, to want to go forward. Our life in Florida was just an existence, we couldn't afford to do fun stuff,
and, our business ventures havent been very successful....yes the bbq is doing good, but, not making money ....I know it takes time, but not sure I have time before my bills are not paid....he has led me to believe he is sincere with his yearning for the Lord, but....his actions lately make me wonder....
I don't know if he will come thru or not, I want my faith to be big enough, but, if its not Gods will, please help me to stay standing as I sink in sinking sand....does that mean my faith was not big enough?
"From the dark night of mystics such as Mother Teresa, we can learn "how to behave in the time of dryness," a preacher said at a mediation in the presence of the Pope.
The whole article is about the silence of God in Mother Teresa's life. anyway, I just thought you might want to read it..
http://WWW.zenit.org/phpdf.php Dark nights
"Through such an experience "the mystics have arrived with in a step of the world of those who live "without God" to the etent that they become "the ideal eveangelizers in the postmodern world, where one lives as if God did not exist"
I have lived there, I have sinned, and I have asked God to forgive me, I still have trouble believing he has forgiven me, and I can walk free of the guilt, and power the sins had over me....
He , on the other hand, I am not sure where he stands.... he claims he was born again several years ago, about the time, I thought I was, but, I have found, I maybe was born again, but I never started over....I just kept plodding thru the muck
We have both walked in the dark night as mother, we just havent learned to use the pain to keep walking in the joy of knowing we are walking where are supposed to be walking....
one grows where he is planted, but, why are the roots so short....
even tho, they should be long.....
spiritual mailing....
(the following websites are about Mother Teresa and how she lived with out knowing God, but her faith was big enough to keep doing what she felt He had called her to do.
Im still in AWE of Mother Teresa, and, learning she lived in the dark most of her life....
it came at just the right time for Us, and more and more is being revealed, please keep praying....
He is wanting to run, I know he is, he is scared, he doesn't understand the new world, and he misses his territory of hell....I am not sure he has tasted the good life, enough, with me, to want to go forward. Our life in Florida was just an existence, we couldn't afford to do fun stuff,
and, our business ventures havent been very successful....yes the bbq is doing good, but, not making money ....I know it takes time, but not sure I have time before my bills are not paid....he has led me to believe he is sincere with his yearning for the Lord, but....his actions lately make me wonder....
I don't know if he will come thru or not, I want my faith to be big enough, but, if its not Gods will, please help me to stay standing as I sink in sinking sand....does that mean my faith was not big enough?
"From the dark night of mystics such as Mother Teresa, we can learn "how to behave in the time of dryness," a preacher said at a mediation in the presence of the Pope.
The whole article is about the silence of God in Mother Teresa's life. anyway, I just thought you might want to read it..
http://WWW.zenit.org/phpdf.php Dark nights
"Through such an experience "the mystics have arrived with in a step of the world of those who live "without God" to the etent that they become "the ideal eveangelizers in the postmodern world, where one lives as if God did not exist"
I have lived there, I have sinned, and I have asked God to forgive me, I still have trouble believing he has forgiven me, and I can walk free of the guilt, and power the sins had over me....
He , on the other hand, I am not sure where he stands.... he claims he was born again several years ago, about the time, I thought I was, but, I have found, I maybe was born again, but I never started over....I just kept plodding thru the muck
We have both walked in the dark night as mother, we just havent learned to use the pain to keep walking in the joy of knowing we are walking where are supposed to be walking....
one grows where he is planted, but, why are the roots so short....
even tho, they should be long.....
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Supernatural
supernatural
adjective
Of, coming from, or relating to forces or beings that exist outside the natural world: extramundane, extrasensory, metaphysical, miraculous, preternatural, superhuman, superphysical, supersensible, transcendental, unearthly. See supernatural.
Greatly exceeding or departing from the normal course of nature: preternatural, unnatural. See usual/unusual.
Is anyone going to follow the new Supernatural Show on CW channel this fall?
adjective
Of, coming from, or relating to forces or beings that exist outside the natural world: extramundane, extrasensory, metaphysical, miraculous, preternatural, superhuman, superphysical, supersensible, transcendental, unearthly. See supernatural.
Greatly exceeding or departing from the normal course of nature: preternatural, unnatural. See usual/unusual.
Is anyone going to follow the new Supernatural Show on CW channel this fall?
Friday, August 17, 2007
This has been a journey thru Kansasgals head
I started this blog when I was at my lowest ebb in life, I really didnt care if I lived or died.
I felt no one cared, and no one really gave a shit if i lived or died.
I had lost my buisness, my dad, his inheritance, my love of my life, my mom, my marriage which meant everything to me, and the fact that, nothing was working in my life.
Everything I did, turned to shit, and I just didnt know where to turn, or what to do anylonger.
I needed to have something to believe in
I needed someone to believe in me.
My marriage was over at least 1 year before It ended, but, i hung in there for 12 years hoping it would work out...But as much as i loved him, he couldnt show me he loved me back, other than a great sex life, we had money, we had a home, we had everyting, except, intimacy....nothing together other than material things....and lust.....
I left him, and he set me free.
I wanted to regret leaving and having lost yet another marrage, but.....i had died inside and really didnt feel anything anylonger.
Going to California for a "getaway" to meet an online friend, got me nothing but raped, and, finished emotionally.
I went home with out what i had hoped for renewed feelings for my husband, instead, came home with shame, and fear he would find out i had un-intended, un-invited, sex.
The guy in california, lied, did everything he could to get me to have sex with him, even tho he had promised he was just a friend who wanted me to come out and visit and get my head put on straight.
I have not told many people this, but, it is finally time to tell it.
I had just gotten my computer, I was finally "connected" to the world.
I wanted nothing more than to find my bio family, my little sister, my little brother, anyone else whom I had not found yet. I joined a chat room for adopties. Back then, in 1995-6 it was easy to hook up with people, and, just made a new family. We had a good time chatting about our hunt for family, and brought joy when a find happened.
They even had reunions to meet each other on the chat room.
My marriage was on the rocks, bad choices had taken us into a stupid decision of trying to raise EMU's and, loosing our money, things were going down fast....
I walked out, I left him, to deal with the mess himself....for that I am sorry....
but....he gave me nothing to hang on to....
after I got back from California, the fear of him finding out what had happened in California
made me want to move out even faster.
I ddnt want to hurt him by him finding out....I NEVER EVER wanted to be unfaithful to him.....
and I was, but not by choice. The only choice I had was a bad one, I choose to go to California...which...was the bad choice.
I had an awesome time, but, with the wrong person.
I should have pushed my ex to go with me, but, instead, I flew into another mans arm's.
But NEVER intended on having sex with him.
After the incident, he made me feel like shit, and, treated me horribly.
He was the most awful man I have ever met in my life, but, yet online he was so "sincere, so loving, so willing to be my "soulmate" The person who understood all my thoughts, and feelings.
Oh boy was he practiced! Funny thing is, the internet wasnt even out there very far, so, he was a fast learner or had been practicing on realife women for many years!
He talked me into bording a plane and flying half across america to just "visit" in real life.
yeah right, he immediatly started trying to get me into bed. He didnt STOP until he had worn me down, and, after, he says "oh God, I feel so dirty"
and refused to talk to me, actually took me to the airport, dumped my bags and left while i went to the bathroom. WHAT A JERK!
I forgive him, as I hope my ex has forgiven me. I am sure he found out, but,
never said anything to me. I had left my journals there when i moved out. Sigh, I think he read them.
He ended up having a meth lab in our home, and got caught, ended up in prison, and, has done his time, but, we never could reconnect, we tried, i tried, but, with out the sex he wasnt interested. I had to let him go this time....it tore my heart out, but, its over ....
I didnt date another man until the day i signed the divorce papers of a divorce i never wanted.
I loved him so so very much, or, should i say, lusted after him?
We had such good sex! WOW....
Its been 10 years since the day my mister wonderful rang the phone looking for a ticket to New Mexico.
He made a date with me, which I never expected to happen.
He totally shocked me when he actually showed up to my door, and, had me at hello.
His gorgeous Blue Eyes, oh my GOD MOMENT....
We sat and talked for hours before we realized we were hungry.
He asked where I wanted to go, we drove across town to get there, but, it was so crowded, we decided to go to another place, which, ended up being perfect. quiet, alone, we talked more....
stared into each others eyes....
i was so shy, i couldnt look him in the eye, but....i felt as if he was looking into my soul....
I just didnt know how to look back....
We went to the mall, walked hand in hand looking into the windows of material things...
He was excited about his new job, he was going to be able to buy things he said he had hoped to buy for years.
My thought was that no one had ever walked in a mall with me hand in hand just to look in windows....
Both ex husbands hated shoping, hated malls, and we were never shopping for the same things.
He took me to a movie, Dr Do Little....
His seduction started at the movie, as, his fingers started running along my fingers.
As his finger followed my arm up to my neck, then around my neck....
oh i wanted to melt in his arms...but...not afraid....
no fear, no emotional skill to keep from walking into the den of pain, vulnerable, i wanted that attention so badly.... I was not prepared for his seduction, his most incredible ability to make me feel so at ease, and so vulnerable....
to feel so connected to
was it a lie?
was it a deception?
what felt so real......
how could it cause so much pain?
how could he have killed me and left me on the highway to hell....?
how could something so beautiful be so ugly in the end?
I still dont understand why he came into my life, the beautiful experience the short 6 weeks of passion, desire, and being made to feel like such a queen, then, one day, he was gone, no goodbye, no notice, just gone. How could I be so stupid to believe he was into me, when he was only there for a minute then gone.
It was such a sureal experience, the pictures I took, didnt develope, the hat he left on my couch the last day he was there, the goodbye with out the normal, see ya when he left...
How did I fall so deeply for him, when, he was only there to distroy my heart...it took me so long to get over him...and, may never be able to trust again...
I always believe things happen for a reason, what was his reason for being in my life.....
so many questions....and never any answers...
I felt no one cared, and no one really gave a shit if i lived or died.
I had lost my buisness, my dad, his inheritance, my love of my life, my mom, my marriage which meant everything to me, and the fact that, nothing was working in my life.
Everything I did, turned to shit, and I just didnt know where to turn, or what to do anylonger.
I needed to have something to believe in
I needed someone to believe in me.
My marriage was over at least 1 year before It ended, but, i hung in there for 12 years hoping it would work out...But as much as i loved him, he couldnt show me he loved me back, other than a great sex life, we had money, we had a home, we had everyting, except, intimacy....nothing together other than material things....and lust.....
I left him, and he set me free.
I wanted to regret leaving and having lost yet another marrage, but.....i had died inside and really didnt feel anything anylonger.
Going to California for a "getaway" to meet an online friend, got me nothing but raped, and, finished emotionally.
I went home with out what i had hoped for renewed feelings for my husband, instead, came home with shame, and fear he would find out i had un-intended, un-invited, sex.
The guy in california, lied, did everything he could to get me to have sex with him, even tho he had promised he was just a friend who wanted me to come out and visit and get my head put on straight.
I have not told many people this, but, it is finally time to tell it.
I had just gotten my computer, I was finally "connected" to the world.
I wanted nothing more than to find my bio family, my little sister, my little brother, anyone else whom I had not found yet. I joined a chat room for adopties. Back then, in 1995-6 it was easy to hook up with people, and, just made a new family. We had a good time chatting about our hunt for family, and brought joy when a find happened.
They even had reunions to meet each other on the chat room.
My marriage was on the rocks, bad choices had taken us into a stupid decision of trying to raise EMU's and, loosing our money, things were going down fast....
I walked out, I left him, to deal with the mess himself....for that I am sorry....
but....he gave me nothing to hang on to....
after I got back from California, the fear of him finding out what had happened in California
made me want to move out even faster.
I ddnt want to hurt him by him finding out....I NEVER EVER wanted to be unfaithful to him.....
and I was, but not by choice. The only choice I had was a bad one, I choose to go to California...which...was the bad choice.
I had an awesome time, but, with the wrong person.
I should have pushed my ex to go with me, but, instead, I flew into another mans arm's.
But NEVER intended on having sex with him.
After the incident, he made me feel like shit, and, treated me horribly.
He was the most awful man I have ever met in my life, but, yet online he was so "sincere, so loving, so willing to be my "soulmate" The person who understood all my thoughts, and feelings.
Oh boy was he practiced! Funny thing is, the internet wasnt even out there very far, so, he was a fast learner or had been practicing on realife women for many years!
He talked me into bording a plane and flying half across america to just "visit" in real life.
yeah right, he immediatly started trying to get me into bed. He didnt STOP until he had worn me down, and, after, he says "oh God, I feel so dirty"
and refused to talk to me, actually took me to the airport, dumped my bags and left while i went to the bathroom. WHAT A JERK!
I forgive him, as I hope my ex has forgiven me. I am sure he found out, but,
never said anything to me. I had left my journals there when i moved out. Sigh, I think he read them.
He ended up having a meth lab in our home, and got caught, ended up in prison, and, has done his time, but, we never could reconnect, we tried, i tried, but, with out the sex he wasnt interested. I had to let him go this time....it tore my heart out, but, its over ....
I didnt date another man until the day i signed the divorce papers of a divorce i never wanted.
I loved him so so very much, or, should i say, lusted after him?
We had such good sex! WOW....
Its been 10 years since the day my mister wonderful rang the phone looking for a ticket to New Mexico.
He made a date with me, which I never expected to happen.
He totally shocked me when he actually showed up to my door, and, had me at hello.
His gorgeous Blue Eyes, oh my GOD MOMENT....
We sat and talked for hours before we realized we were hungry.
He asked where I wanted to go, we drove across town to get there, but, it was so crowded, we decided to go to another place, which, ended up being perfect. quiet, alone, we talked more....
stared into each others eyes....
i was so shy, i couldnt look him in the eye, but....i felt as if he was looking into my soul....
I just didnt know how to look back....
We went to the mall, walked hand in hand looking into the windows of material things...
He was excited about his new job, he was going to be able to buy things he said he had hoped to buy for years.
My thought was that no one had ever walked in a mall with me hand in hand just to look in windows....
Both ex husbands hated shoping, hated malls, and we were never shopping for the same things.
He took me to a movie, Dr Do Little....
His seduction started at the movie, as, his fingers started running along my fingers.
As his finger followed my arm up to my neck, then around my neck....
oh i wanted to melt in his arms...but...not afraid....
no fear, no emotional skill to keep from walking into the den of pain, vulnerable, i wanted that attention so badly.... I was not prepared for his seduction, his most incredible ability to make me feel so at ease, and so vulnerable....
to feel so connected to
was it a lie?
was it a deception?
what felt so real......
how could it cause so much pain?
how could he have killed me and left me on the highway to hell....?
how could something so beautiful be so ugly in the end?
I still dont understand why he came into my life, the beautiful experience the short 6 weeks of passion, desire, and being made to feel like such a queen, then, one day, he was gone, no goodbye, no notice, just gone. How could I be so stupid to believe he was into me, when he was only there for a minute then gone.
It was such a sureal experience, the pictures I took, didnt develope, the hat he left on my couch the last day he was there, the goodbye with out the normal, see ya when he left...
How did I fall so deeply for him, when, he was only there to distroy my heart...it took me so long to get over him...and, may never be able to trust again...
I always believe things happen for a reason, what was his reason for being in my life.....
so many questions....and never any answers...
Beautiful prayer.....
This prayer has been prayed as of today, August 17, 117220752680211171422 times...
it was sent as an email where you add a number to it everytime it is read, and sent on...
please join the prayer, it will change the world...
this is my prayer to you.
PRAY THIS EVEN IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE IT!!
Dear Lord, I thank You for this day. I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you. I ask now for Your forgiveness. Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You. Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over. And It's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits. I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak... Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others.
I pray for those that are lost and can't find their way.
I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately.
I pray for those that will delete this without sharing it with others. I pray for those that don't believe.
But I thank you that I believe. I believe that God changes people and God changes things.
I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For each and every family member in their households.
I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met. I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight.
I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees it.
Father God, I love you and I need you, come into my heart, please.
Know that you are blessed by the person who sent this to you
"If you want peace, work for justice." Henry Louis Mencken
We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of the bad people but for the appalling silence of the good people. Martin Luther King Jr.
Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase. ... Martin Luther King, Jr
it was sent as an email where you add a number to it everytime it is read, and sent on...
please join the prayer, it will change the world...
this is my prayer to you.
PRAY THIS EVEN IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE IT!!
Dear Lord, I thank You for this day. I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you. I ask now for Your forgiveness. Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You. Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over. And It's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits. I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak... Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others.
I pray for those that are lost and can't find their way.
I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately.
I pray for those that will delete this without sharing it with others. I pray for those that don't believe.
But I thank you that I believe. I believe that God changes people and God changes things.
I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For each and every family member in their households.
I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met. I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight.
I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees it.
Father God, I love you and I need you, come into my heart, please.
Know that you are blessed by the person who sent this to you
"If you want peace, work for justice." Henry Louis Mencken
We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of the bad people but for the appalling silence of the good people. Martin Luther King Jr.
Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase. ... Martin Luther King, Jr
Monday, July 16, 2007
Here it is, the Rollin Rib Cage, our dream.Our first baby died when the Outlet Mall Management killed it with their poor management.....taking our "dream, our baby" down with it.
It has been 3 years since we closed our doors and much depression, and sickness, heart ache, and craziness, but, we are back on track
and gonna do it
we have to, this is my last hope....
Clear the way, The Loose Caboose, Rollin Rib Cage, Smokin BBQ
in back on track!
Coming thru....
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Mother
When I was small you were there to tell me to stand tall
As I grew you asked me to stay small
As life went on we separated our paths
I wish I could go back and say
Thank you for all you gave to me
Those days are gone
as the shadows grow dim
life is shorter than I expected
One day, you were gone
Now, I wish, I could say so many things
When you left, I had so many regrets
Life is so short, there never was enough time
to do the things you wanted, I always had to run.
Mother Forgive me for not being there on that day
that you so gleefully went walking
to the light and then left daddy and me.
Its been 10 years since the day you left us, last night I had a dream of all the pain I have had since you have passed
and, how much I have missed you but was never able to tell you.
Mother I wish, I would have loved you more
I wish I would have given you more of me
I wish I wouldn't have resented your over powering hold, the over protectiveness you held over me
I wish I could talk to you about my biomother, the one who gave me to you
So many questions, and now, no one to ever give the answers.
Mommy, I miss you
I wish I could go back
I wish I could be that little girl you wanted so badly, but I never wanted to be
I can only imagine, you wanting a baby so badly
You gave me the best you knew how, but, never understood what I needed, not the material stuff, but the inner relationship between mother and child, the bonding, the touching, the discipline...
I rebelled and ran from you, not sharing my feelings and tears
Knowing you would only want to fix it, and not be able to do so
Oh mother, as I grew and you knew I was leaving
your hold started to let go
We never became friends, and now, I resent that I never got to know you
I am sorry mother, I wish I could go back, and do things differently
but, as they say, we cannot go back and fix, only live forward and do.
As my own daughter rejects me, as I have rejected you, she too has passed on the seed to her daughter, my own granddaughter who really doesn't accept me.
I can only live in today, and find the little things to be thankful for
and not live in sef-pity
I wish I could bring you some flowers today, and tell you Happy Mothers day and give you a kiss, and just sit and talk....I miss you mother....
I am sorry
I am sorry
I am SORRY
Please forgive me
As I grew you asked me to stay small
As life went on we separated our paths
I wish I could go back and say
Thank you for all you gave to me
Those days are gone
as the shadows grow dim
life is shorter than I expected
One day, you were gone
Now, I wish, I could say so many things
When you left, I had so many regrets
Life is so short, there never was enough time
to do the things you wanted, I always had to run.
Mother Forgive me for not being there on that day
that you so gleefully went walking
to the light and then left daddy and me.
Its been 10 years since the day you left us, last night I had a dream of all the pain I have had since you have passed
and, how much I have missed you but was never able to tell you.
Mother I wish, I would have loved you more
I wish I would have given you more of me
I wish I wouldn't have resented your over powering hold, the over protectiveness you held over me
I wish I could talk to you about my biomother, the one who gave me to you
So many questions, and now, no one to ever give the answers.
Mommy, I miss you
I wish I could go back
I wish I could be that little girl you wanted so badly, but I never wanted to be
I can only imagine, you wanting a baby so badly
You gave me the best you knew how, but, never understood what I needed, not the material stuff, but the inner relationship between mother and child, the bonding, the touching, the discipline...
I rebelled and ran from you, not sharing my feelings and tears
Knowing you would only want to fix it, and not be able to do so
Oh mother, as I grew and you knew I was leaving
your hold started to let go
We never became friends, and now, I resent that I never got to know you
I am sorry mother, I wish I could go back, and do things differently
but, as they say, we cannot go back and fix, only live forward and do.
As my own daughter rejects me, as I have rejected you, she too has passed on the seed to her daughter, my own granddaughter who really doesn't accept me.
I can only live in today, and find the little things to be thankful for
and not live in sef-pity
I wish I could bring you some flowers today, and tell you Happy Mothers day and give you a kiss, and just sit and talk....I miss you mother....
I am sorry
I am sorry
I am SORRY
Please forgive me
Saturday, April 28, 2007
mothers of mankind
taking on more responsibility so he doesn't have to
the women need the time alone to get it sorted thru
men don't want to think aobut the everafter
the before and behind of things
we must stand united
where R U mothers of mankind....
the men took the lead in the walk out of the desert
now it is time for the woman to walk back into the garden
nothing like a strole thru the park with the one you love
tell me have you felt the love of the soul
seen thru the portal of the heart
into the eyes
falling into love with the one
who would touch the golden spot of
desire
doors are closed unable to visit that spot
to make love thru the night
I have runaway, oh my love to runaway with you
to fall into the deep abyss of blyss
to fall inlove and know the soul has been touched
to know that the spirit has been brought alive
and given the lust for life
to be rebirthed into the air of golden sunlight
clouds of white feathers lightening the way into the path of
enlightenment
how to live the life which is poured out before us but yet
hidden to those who are dead and blind
oh to taste and know it is good
oh to love and know it is real
oh to desire and know the way
As I was given the day
the darkness brought out the light
a spark like a diamond in the dark
that led me to the holy night
to go back, to know the way forward
the circle of life beyond the belief of
existence
we know not what we are speaking
when we have lost our way
the spirit is lost, and no way back
no guide to find the way
only little hints along the way
has my mind been able to make contact with
but yet the days are empty with out one bit of sight
oh my God in front of me give me a climbse
they speak not of you in the chambers of their religions
I ask for the one word I can recognize but no voice is heard
I know in my heart you are there
I know I must find you
but where....
the women need the time alone to get it sorted thru
men don't want to think aobut the everafter
the before and behind of things
we must stand united
where R U mothers of mankind....
the men took the lead in the walk out of the desert
now it is time for the woman to walk back into the garden
nothing like a strole thru the park with the one you love
tell me have you felt the love of the soul
seen thru the portal of the heart
into the eyes
falling into love with the one
who would touch the golden spot of
desire
doors are closed unable to visit that spot
to make love thru the night
I have runaway, oh my love to runaway with you
to fall into the deep abyss of blyss
to fall inlove and know the soul has been touched
to know that the spirit has been brought alive
and given the lust for life
to be rebirthed into the air of golden sunlight
clouds of white feathers lightening the way into the path of
enlightenment
how to live the life which is poured out before us but yet
hidden to those who are dead and blind
oh to taste and know it is good
oh to love and know it is real
oh to desire and know the way
As I was given the day
the darkness brought out the light
a spark like a diamond in the dark
that led me to the holy night
to go back, to know the way forward
the circle of life beyond the belief of
existence
we know not what we are speaking
when we have lost our way
the spirit is lost, and no way back
no guide to find the way
only little hints along the way
has my mind been able to make contact with
but yet the days are empty with out one bit of sight
oh my God in front of me give me a climbse
they speak not of you in the chambers of their religions
I ask for the one word I can recognize but no voice is heard
I know in my heart you are there
I know I must find you
but where....
Friday, April 13, 2007
Imagine a world with out .....
Years ago there was a song which asked us to imagine a world with out heaven
sitting here at home, being eaten away with pain, anger, i had a choice
i could move forward or live in the past
but I have to forgive self
no one can survive unless the man at the top finds a way to forgive himself...
I just don't know what I'm asking forgiveness for
lossing ones self....not knowing who or where i have been other than lost...
needing reason to get married, life was empty
marriage was going to full fill that emptiness
but....it didn't....
I wasnt ready for marriage, I had not tasted the world, to know what I wanted.
BUT, I had dated a couple of guys, i fended them off all the while wanting to give in so badly...but
good girls dont give in....dont have sex out side of marriage....
do they?
my life has been so screwed up
sitting here at home, being eaten away with pain, anger, i had a choice
i could move forward or live in the past
but I have to forgive self
no one can survive unless the man at the top finds a way to forgive himself...
I just don't know what I'm asking forgiveness for
lossing ones self....not knowing who or where i have been other than lost...
needing reason to get married, life was empty
marriage was going to full fill that emptiness
but....it didn't....
I wasnt ready for marriage, I had not tasted the world, to know what I wanted.
BUT, I had dated a couple of guys, i fended them off all the while wanting to give in so badly...but
good girls dont give in....dont have sex out side of marriage....
do they?
my life has been so screwed up
Friday, March 09, 2007
Vicki and new machine
This is my sister in Christ, Vicki, she is a refugee from Liberia, in Ghana. She and her three boys have been through a lot and, hopefully, now, with her new machine, God provided for her, she will be able to make a decent living for her children and her self.
I pray this will help you ....
in Jesus Name...
My dear Sister in Christ Vicki
Back in January, I was blessed with meeting up a dear girl in a refugee camp, trying desperatly to get on her feet, after such horrible things in Liberia, she made it to Ghana with her twins, and, another boy she adopted along the way, whose parents had died.
I wanted desperatly to help her, but had no money, I prayed about her, and with in weeks, the idea of helping her get a sewing machine which doesnt require electricity came to my heart.
I received 50.00 for christmas, and, then with saving from waisting money on things I didnt need, I was able to purchase her sewing machine.
Here she is with her three boys, and the new machine.
I am so excited for her, now, she must learn to sew :)
March 9, her small son Emmanuel, is now sick with typhoid.
Please pray for him! and her....
I wanted desperatly to help her, but had no money, I prayed about her, and with in weeks, the idea of helping her get a sewing machine which doesnt require electricity came to my heart.
I received 50.00 for christmas, and, then with saving from waisting money on things I didnt need, I was able to purchase her sewing machine.
Here she is with her three boys, and the new machine.
I am so excited for her, now, she must learn to sew :)
March 9, her small son Emmanuel, is now sick with typhoid.
Please pray for him! and her....
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
new upgraded blog?
we will see!
I shutter everytime they say, new and improved....it normlly means, its over my head...and
i wont be able to figure it out.
Im still having problems ith my keyboard, not keeping up with my speed of typing, so,lots of back spaces and editing GRRRRR
so..ok what is new, and better?
I shutter everytime they say, new and improved....it normlly means, its over my head...and
i wont be able to figure it out.
Im still having problems ith my keyboard, not keeping up with my speed of typing, so,lots of back spaces and editing GRRRRR
so..ok what is new, and better?
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Make me an instrument of YOUR PEACE
for so manyyears my life hs been such a screwed up mess.
I have finally had my Faith Lifted ....... I haven posted for a long while...but no one seems to read ths anyway so, ill just keep writing to no one....
It has been a long month, but a productive one....
Before Christmas I had met a girl online from Ghana, a refugee from Liberia, who, (seemed strange for her to be online) but, she claimed she cleaned and did washing for some people in her village who owned a cyber cafe in the refugee camp (unlike our cyber cafe's) but set up for people to keep in touch with the world.
As the days went by her story just tore my heart out, 3 small boys, twins of her own, and one she had adopted whose parents had died, her husband had died of malaria.
I checked out the refugee camp sights online, and, started praying and asking Jesus if she was real, and not a scam artist, to show me how to help her.
After all, who can turn down a mothers cries that she has no food to feed her children?
no water unless they buy it by the gallon, and no way to make a livnig other than washing clothes for a little bit of food for her chilldren.
Christmas was coming, Partner went on a binge, I was with out any money, but, I prayed if she was real, for Jesus to sustain her, and give her peace in her life, and to show me how to help her, and bring the money to me to help her.
With in a couple of weeks, the idea was brought to me to buy her a sewing machine that runs with out electricity, and asked her how much it would cost for her to buy one over there.
She said, something like 4524395768304.00 Cedi....well....i laughed and thought holy cow, no way i can come up that much money....but, prayed about it anyway....
Some one left an envelope in my mail box at the church in it was 50.00 anonymously ....before christmas...
then, the church takes up a staff gift and splits it between the 9 staff members, my share was 28.00, so, i just kept praying.
and everytime i cash my pay check i always take out 10.00 for little things i mght need during the pay period, and as I break it, i drop the change in my purse...etc...
I went to Wally world to ask how much it was going to cost to send 100.00 to Ghana it was 9. 46, so, i went home, took out the 78.00 that i knew I had, and, prayed the rest would show up.
I emptied out my purse, finding a bank envelope with 10.00 , a few 1.00, then a 20.00!!!
all done I counted what I had and I had 111.00!!!!!!
I hurried back to Wally world and got the paper work to send the money over to her, and, yesterday I got word back from her
she was able to get 1 sewing machine, some material, scissors, thread and needles!!!!! and TWO WEEKS Worth of food for her boys!!!! PRAISE JESUS!!!!!
I was on cloud 9 all day, its such a rush to see a miracle work!!!!
I wanted to tell everyone....
The least excited when I told him was my minister-boss! IT made me sad, but didnt steal my excitement and praise for Jesus....
I have had so many losses 4 inaws in wreck, husband from early teen age marraige. beloved myhusband whom I loved with all my heart both parents, a grandchild, two siblings, two foster children, three businesses, my credit, and, the love of my life, and relationships, as Partner was driving me nuts, job-people are selfish, and uncaring, or, more like two faced....
and, i was doubting if Jesus was even there....
Oh my cries at night, my fears, my angers, my worries, my lack of joy, and depression, my whole world had been shattered, and dumped to the ground, nothing made sense, nothing worked, nothing was there to hold on to, except, hoping the stories of Jesus were true. I had only had them as a child,
and so many unanswered prayers the past 30 years, especially the last 10 years and even worse the last 6 years.....
I was really starting to doubt that I knew God, as I should..... was he even hearing my prayers? I didnt want to ask God why, but, What was I not learning, not paying attention to, what could I do to make things different in my life, I loved Jesus, I wanted to be more like Him, I begged him for his mercies, and asked him to show me how to love those who were hurting me, and asked him help me love my husband thru his eyes,which he dd many times, but, for what ever reason,
we just couldnt make it work...I ended up loosin mybusiness, taking in adrunk (didnt know hw ewas a drunk) I didnt understand the disease.....the drunk came in to help me with my business. We did great until 911, thngs started going down aat a fast speed.
I couldnt keep up with anything durng that time, loose after loss i was barely hanginng on for dear life..
I asked for forgiveness of al my sins, and, asked for a new start...
what a Ride!
Things are finall starting to turn around, and maybe time, I can make sense of why things have happened, and ho NOT to make the same mistakes, over and over again...
anyway, He gave me the money to get her a way of life.
It doesnt even matter to me if she wasnt real, but, I have to believe she was.
So many "men" have taken advantage of me, and I have lost so much. If I cant help another woman get on her feet, even If I havent been able to do it on my own, then, I am so glad I have been patient, but going crazy....
I have finally had my Faith Lifted ....... I haven posted for a long while...but no one seems to read ths anyway so, ill just keep writing to no one....
It has been a long month, but a productive one....
Before Christmas I had met a girl online from Ghana, a refugee from Liberia, who, (seemed strange for her to be online) but, she claimed she cleaned and did washing for some people in her village who owned a cyber cafe in the refugee camp (unlike our cyber cafe's) but set up for people to keep in touch with the world.
As the days went by her story just tore my heart out, 3 small boys, twins of her own, and one she had adopted whose parents had died, her husband had died of malaria.
I checked out the refugee camp sights online, and, started praying and asking Jesus if she was real, and not a scam artist, to show me how to help her.
After all, who can turn down a mothers cries that she has no food to feed her children?
no water unless they buy it by the gallon, and no way to make a livnig other than washing clothes for a little bit of food for her chilldren.
Christmas was coming, Partner went on a binge, I was with out any money, but, I prayed if she was real, for Jesus to sustain her, and give her peace in her life, and to show me how to help her, and bring the money to me to help her.
With in a couple of weeks, the idea was brought to me to buy her a sewing machine that runs with out electricity, and asked her how much it would cost for her to buy one over there.
She said, something like 4524395768304.00 Cedi....well....i laughed and thought holy cow, no way i can come up that much money....but, prayed about it anyway....
Some one left an envelope in my mail box at the church in it was 50.00 anonymously ....before christmas...
then, the church takes up a staff gift and splits it between the 9 staff members, my share was 28.00, so, i just kept praying.
and everytime i cash my pay check i always take out 10.00 for little things i mght need during the pay period, and as I break it, i drop the change in my purse...etc...
I went to Wally world to ask how much it was going to cost to send 100.00 to Ghana it was 9. 46, so, i went home, took out the 78.00 that i knew I had, and, prayed the rest would show up.
I emptied out my purse, finding a bank envelope with 10.00 , a few 1.00, then a 20.00!!!
all done I counted what I had and I had 111.00!!!!!!
I hurried back to Wally world and got the paper work to send the money over to her, and, yesterday I got word back from her
she was able to get 1 sewing machine, some material, scissors, thread and needles!!!!! and TWO WEEKS Worth of food for her boys!!!! PRAISE JESUS!!!!!
I was on cloud 9 all day, its such a rush to see a miracle work!!!!
I wanted to tell everyone....
The least excited when I told him was my minister-boss! IT made me sad, but didnt steal my excitement and praise for Jesus....
I have had so many losses 4 inaws in wreck, husband from early teen age marraige. beloved myhusband whom I loved with all my heart both parents, a grandchild, two siblings, two foster children, three businesses, my credit, and, the love of my life, and relationships, as Partner was driving me nuts, job-people are selfish, and uncaring, or, more like two faced....
and, i was doubting if Jesus was even there....
Oh my cries at night, my fears, my angers, my worries, my lack of joy, and depression, my whole world had been shattered, and dumped to the ground, nothing made sense, nothing worked, nothing was there to hold on to, except, hoping the stories of Jesus were true. I had only had them as a child,
and so many unanswered prayers the past 30 years, especially the last 10 years and even worse the last 6 years.....
I was really starting to doubt that I knew God, as I should..... was he even hearing my prayers? I didnt want to ask God why, but, What was I not learning, not paying attention to, what could I do to make things different in my life, I loved Jesus, I wanted to be more like Him, I begged him for his mercies, and asked him to show me how to love those who were hurting me, and asked him help me love my husband thru his eyes,which he dd many times, but, for what ever reason,
we just couldnt make it work...I ended up loosin mybusiness, taking in adrunk (didnt know hw ewas a drunk) I didnt understand the disease.....the drunk came in to help me with my business. We did great until 911, thngs started going down aat a fast speed.
I couldnt keep up with anything durng that time, loose after loss i was barely hanginng on for dear life..
I asked for forgiveness of al my sins, and, asked for a new start...
what a Ride!
Things are finall starting to turn around, and maybe time, I can make sense of why things have happened, and ho NOT to make the same mistakes, over and over again...
anyway, He gave me the money to get her a way of life.
It doesnt even matter to me if she wasnt real, but, I have to believe she was.
So many "men" have taken advantage of me, and I have lost so much. If I cant help another woman get on her feet, even If I havent been able to do it on my own, then, I am so glad I have been patient, but going crazy....
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Interesting clock
It has been almost a month since I posted, so many amazing things have happened, but, one is
a new Friend, Richard "Lee" Thank you for coming into my life!
he has some awesome pictures, check em out here... photobird.com/zoomsnap4him
Also, a new Sister in Christ, Vicki I will write about Vicki's world, soon, but for now..here is
a website of just a small part of her world....it doesn talk about the hunger, the lack of clean water, or, lack of sanitation, and bathrooms!
Vicki, God Bless you and your children!
http://www.volunteer.org.nz/ghana/refugeecamp/
http://www.globalvoicesonline.org/2005/07/22/ghana-life-in-a-liberian-refugee-camp-2/
a new Friend, Richard "Lee" Thank you for coming into my life!
he has some awesome pictures, check em out here... photobird.com/zoomsnap4him
Also, a new Sister in Christ, Vicki I will write about Vicki's world, soon, but for now..here is
a website of just a small part of her world....it doesn talk about the hunger, the lack of clean water, or, lack of sanitation, and bathrooms!
Vicki, God Bless you and your children!
http://www.volunteer.org.nz/ghana/refugeecamp/
http://www.globalvoicesonline.org/2005/07/22/ghana-life-in-a-liberian-refugee-camp-2/
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