Life in Kansasgals head

Being poor is....

this website cant say it any better. I started out with nothing, went to having everything, and am back to nothing....
hanging on to a bare thread at the moment, and scared to death!

I have NEVER been to the point i have no money to pay my bills, but, i am damned near close. thanks to the drunk who lives with me. I took him in because he needed a place to live, and because I needed help in life....
we are a perfect fit, except, he has over stayed his welcome, has become a real bum who could care less about anyone but himself.

I am so sick of it, but, yet, dont know how to change anything.
Jobs in this town suck getting paid 9.00 an hour is a "privelage"
they make me feel like I OWE them EVERYTHING for working for a fucking 9.00 an hour, in 25 hour weeks, when they KNOW i cant afford to live on that...

the head elder of the church, complains if i work over time, and, bitches when i
have to wear my other work clothes to work so i can make a fast get away to be to my other job on time.

I have tried to give my self, tried to be nice, and loving, but, im becoming bitter, and angry....
Im deperatly hanging on, i have written on my blog since 2003 i think. When my dad died, i lost my business, and, tried to move, start over and over and over
but, nothing is working...
I dont know what to do anylonger.
I have cried out to the Lord over and over, but, i dont hear anyanswers
I dont know how to make people hear me either....
When i open up, and cry, they shut down so fast, and, back away....
Im dying here, and no one gives a rats ass....

I know there are millions of people out there, why cant i FIND ONE?
Its as tho, I have become invisible, and, unvoiced.
Im ugly, over weight, and down on life, after loosing everyting in my life.

Job, lost everything, and still had faith...
Im trying to hang on, i trully am...
I am just so wishing, and praying, to find my purpose, my will, my desire
my passion in life.
Life is NOTHING WITH OUT PASSION....
I have had most all experiences but, nothing gave me hope in life like when i had passion.

I have cried out to Jesus, and, even tho, He seems to becoming more and more real to me, He isnt the Jesus they protray in church, or, reading from the Bible,
i feel so confused, but yet, no one else seems to "agree" they make me feel like some sort of totally lost soul....

The judgements I have gotten over the few months, have been terribly difficult to walk over. Jesus, had to walk over so many obsticles, how did he do it?
How did he keep his faith, of knowing he was walking in the right direction?

NO ONE in this town is going in the same direction as myself, or, at least no one has come aboard of knowing we are walking together.
My house mate/drunk/ says he is, but, he doesnt have a clue.....
he is just too drunk to have any sanity in his and my life right now...

He is a survivor, but, has lost his will to survive.....he just would rather drink, than work for a living.
He seems to think the money is just going to appear...

He wont admit where he gets the money for his booze, i know im not giving i tto him...and that really bothers me....if he can come up with money to get drunk
he can come up with money to pay bills...but...doesnt....and it pisses me off!
I cannot talk to him anylonger
he only hears me as
"bitching at him"

Dont tell me to go to alanon meetings, those women have lived out of distruction for so long, they have forgotten what it is like to live in it, or, are still living in it, and have no answers....
i have not been able to go to a meeting and "get it" so i quit going...
they say. "keep coming back" it works" but....i gave up....

I get off work, and im just too tired to face other people, so, i stay home
and get into my pity parties alone, at least i dont have to face others who dont get it either...

I just feel as tho, my life is drifting past me, im gettin older and older, but, not golder....
crotchity, and aches and pains, and mentally dissassociated

Im so sorry, i have failed so badly
I never have amounted to anything
i let my parents down terribly
I ended up divorced twice, which, even once in my adopted family was too many times!
It was nothing in my bio family to have people married, divorced, still married to first wife, while married to second, third, fourth....
shit, who knows how many wives he had!
and how many kids
his name was ROY ROOKS
if anyone is his kid, give me a holler
there are 7 of us that we know of, and im not sure if he is my bio dad, but, his wife was the mother of my other siblings
her name was Alberta M. Epperson/Rooks/Fisher

this is a long ways from my original beginning statements, but, this is where i began...
1952
Born of a poor woman
and the beginning of my daily blog is....what it is like to be poor....
back to my bigginnings