HAPPY NEW YEAR! 2007

The new year is officially here, 2007, and, so far, so good!
no major problems in my life! YE-HA!
I have not posted much lately, since upgrading to the new IE7 it is difficult to type, at such a slow speed, and I dont know how to change the settings.
If anyone can enlighten me why it types so slow now, please let me know what I need to do
other wise my print will look like this, if, i dont go back and edit it.
It just makes me so issedoffhtat i cant get it strathgitned ou, and, it si a maesss a s yu ca n see.
why does it do this?

I have a new grandbaby coming in August, it might be a multiple birth, we will find out on Wednesday.! WOW.....im so happy my Grandaughter Jessi wont be an only child as I was.

My best Friend Cyn, is still not talking to me this is rediculous we are grown adults, but, for whtever reason, she has cutme off and it still hurts, majorly! I hope, in this new year, we can
heal the wounds, and make amends and become friends again....

My live-in partner is doing so much better, and, I know he will just keep getting better..

I have a new friend in Ghana, a refuge, who, is struggling to feed her three boys. She goes to do laundry for a cafe owner who has aa computer that he allows her to use.
I pray for her daily, and hope and pray something will happen to turn her life around...

I love my job, and, the live-in, is, going for an interview for the railroad, oh, I hope he gets thatjob!

Well....life is so much better than it was in July-August, I really didnt think I was going to live thru the hell we were living in at that time, Thank youLord for His mercies this year.
My prayer for this new year, is that I will no longer be full of ampathy, but empathy for my brothers and sisters, that my passion will grow to a passionate vision of hope
that we will see our tomorrows and bring the peace upon the hearts of the world.
Our children will become open to the HolySpirit, and not walk into the darkness...
The war in Iraq can fall into quiet peace, the men and women will walk in Peace towards each ther instead of death and difiance against one another.
Finding a peace that they never expected..

In the days before us, we will rejoyce instead of sorro, and the lonely can be loved and fullfilled
Giving our lives to walk in Jesus' footsteps, and, know Gods love wholly and holiness!

Happy New Year....

Thinking abut getting married? Think about it.....

35 years ago today Dec. 22, 1969. I got married at age 17....In love with love...Too proud to back away once I realized it was going to be a mistake. Back then....Girls didn't move out to live alone...
and...I didn't have plans to go to collage, no one in my family ever had gone..I didn't have a clue ever where to start....
these are a few of the lessons I Have learned in two marriages, and, a live in partner....
hope it helps someone from making the same mistake I made 35 years ago...
I wish someone would have given me these things to think about....Not sure If I would have been able to really comprehend them, but...Something in side of me wishes someone would have cared enough to talk to me about why I ws getting married so young!


if a guy doesn't treat you good before marriage, he AINT going to change the day you say I DO!

don't rely on any man to make you happy
and don't rely on any man to keep you warm, and fed.

Unless. HE has given you these things before your married, he will NOT change the day you marry him!

don't settle for less....
because the day you marry he is not going to have a light come on and say, I am going to fill every need from this day forward.
If he doesn't fill your needs now...He WONT do it the day after you say I DO....

don't be in love with love just because everyone else is....Or...Because your afraid of being alone...
if you don't know who YOU ARE before you say I DO
once you have another lug to pull around, and kids in tow..You WONT HAVE THE TIME to find out who you are until, your alone again!

Everyone woman has a purpose, we have been taught that the men had more purpose in life than women, but, that is such a lie!

Find your path, and take it, in that, your true joys will come, and your true love will show....

I have come full circle, with in living 5 houses from where I lived before getting married all those years ago. This time, no parents to keep me in line, or have to answer to, and no one to help me out when I fall down.
Ihave to become that independent person, Ialways wanted to be. But...how...

I have tried and tried to find that path, but, it sees to be so illusive

What car are you? take the test <

I'm a Chevrolet Corvette!

You're a classic - powerful, athletic, and competitive. You're all about winning the race and getting the job done. While you have a practical everyday side, you get wild when anyone pushes your pedal. You hate to lose, but you hardly ever do.

The Lost Room

Is anyone watchin?

wow, is it going to be the next reality show?

get the key, and go for it?

kind of what is behind door number 7
pretty intertaining stuff.
Are you going to play the text game worth 5milllion??

why is it so difficult to hook up with someone?

Miracles happen everyday so they say....
and to nice people who dont expect them
others who need them
and those who seem to expect it

what is the secret to "seeing them?"
I have had so many blessings in my life, and, I was so blind, and so stupid I didnt see them?

7th heaven....
then, ask to live....
i have never lived...
i have been afraid of life, taken steps to be independent and failed misserablly
and now with out money...lost..feeling totally a failure and unable to figure out how to make a living allone!
I cant kick him out, and, I dont have passion for him...
I love him, but not head over heals in love
I have had that kind of love...and its not there between us...
but, i have settled..and, he has settled somewhat, he still rebels with drinking too much once in a while, but nothign like it was last year.

so...am i fooling myself AGAIN?

how to proceed....

USA PEOPLE SEARCH_SUX

I got dumped several years ago 1997, and, have missed the dumper, so very much, not him but the "good" he made me feel, before he dummped me.....I have often felt he was a rip off artist that took it easy on me, he had told me he was a jigalo, maybe he was...he sure treated me special, until he dissapeared...with out notice....

Ifinally decided to go to one of those people search sites, paid the 9.95 it asked for, and, what a RIP OFF!
It not onlly didnt give me his current address but, didnt even give the info it said it would. DONT WAIST YOUR MONEY!

why is it on line crap is such a ripoff!!!!

Code Pink

women for peace

I have never supported a war, and love this new site I just found....

love this Bible study site

Lookup a word or passage in the Bible
Include this form on your page

http://thesecretpays.com?9574

If your Thankful, was it because of Missery?

It has taken me a while to allow this to really sink in, and, I knew this is where I wanted to be walking, and, always thought I was thankful for the good things in my life, but, my best friend, the other Cyn, pointed it out to me that my blog was full of ungratefulness. To her, I say, thank you for allowing me to be in my "missery"
Thank you for being there with me thru the bad, and the good, and, now, being gone for which, I say. "I miss you so much!" It is not until one has lost so much that even the little things like a phone call is missed, and, wished upon.
For the being different, and allowing those differences to grow a friendship, and not turning against each other, to be sad, and allow the other to bring forth laughter which produces tears. That is what friendship is all about, again, " I miss you so much!"

We had a Thanksgiving dinner at the church where I work, and, this is a passage which was read out of the book "If Your Christian, You must be from Missouri"

"One little word explains so much. Give thanks in all circumstances – the verse says in, not for. We are not asked to give thanks for cancer or heart attacks or unemployment or tragedy or costly and painful accidents, or violence or war; but in all those things – in everything – we can give thanks. God is with us in all circumstances. If we open our hearts to Him and hold on to Him in faith and hope and love, God will see us through. God will sustain us, deliver us, save us. It is God’s presence with us and his watchful care over us that are the real source of thanksgiving. In all things we can be grateful, because nothing, not even death, can separate us from the love of God."

With Thanksgiving coming up next week, and being 1/8 Cherokee, it is with mixed feelings I say "Thank you Lord"
The "American Indians" were gracious hosts to the new white man on his shores, only to have the white man take over and distroy the garden of Eden they had before them. But passing the many circumstances, God is with us ALL OF US, how we deal with it is all that counts.
So, is it because of the "bounty from God" that we white men can give thanks?
or..... Giving thanks for the many circumstances in which eyes were kept upon a God that brought them thru the many misserable moments, crossing the seas, starvation, and, wars against a dark skinned man who wanted to protect his land, that they could give thanks and we still celebrate today? Once again, the shores, the boarders, have been crossed with a multitude of other men, women, & children.
Will we find the blessings in the circumstances or allow it to distroy what we now call our own?

THE SECRET

Rest in Peace

Emma Louise my sister died... Sept 8, 2006, she was 58.... the same day we laid my adopted daddy to rest in 2002, the same day they laid my baby sisters adopted momma to rest in 2005, strange isnt it....

October 19, Judy, my friend who talked me into moving to Harper, small town USA, passed away on her birthday....she was 55. May they both, rest in Peace....

I know that God lives

Words of Job,
"everyone who knows me avoids me..............
If only my words were written in a book, better yet, chiseled in stone!
Still, I know that God lives----the One who give me back my life--- and eventually he'll take his stand on earth.
And I'll see him----even tho I get skinned alive!---See God myself, with my very own eyes, oh , how I long for that day! paraphrased from The Message

I love it!!! The introduction of Job in The Message says that Sufferers attract fixers the way roadkills attract vultures. At first we are impressed that they bother with us and amazed at their facility with answers. Actually, i have found no one with answers, other than telling me to kick the devil in the balls and start praising God!!!

I loved it Friday as I was grieving the passing of my sister, and the leaving of my partner one of the ladies from the church comes in and sits her ass down and pretends to be so sympathetic to me, listens to me pour out my heart then immediatly starts telling me how she has no status, about how the board of one of the nursing homes has nilled and nulified her and how she just isnt being listened to. LIKE I REALLY CARED ABOUT THAT AT THE MOMENT????
I didnt mean to be unsympathetic to her "problem" but I guess she really had nothing to say to me so to dump her lack of self worth on me too. She is one of the biggest problem makers in the church, causes people to not want to take on jobs and causes much hurt in peoples feelings because she jumps on them for not crossing t's and dotting i's!
Yet she is an ordained minister!!!!!!! HOW PATHETIC!!!!
I looked her in the eye, after her complaining that she had no status, and said " you know, that is what is wrong with this church, everyone has such a huge ego, there is no room for GOD"
Well, needless to say she didnt stay sitting much longer, she gathered her things and left.
I was in NO MOOD TO LISTEN TO THAT BULLSHIT!

I miss my partner, I miss my best friend, I dont want pity from people, I just want a friend!
Someone who says, I know, I have been there, I understand your pain, give me a hug and maybe stand in prayer with me and help me just move on....
The Message says it best....." So, instead of continuing to focus on preventing suffering--- which we simply won't be very successful at anyway--- perhaps we should begin entering the suffering, participating insofar as we are able--- entering the mysterday of looking around for God. In other words, we need to quit feeling sorry for people who suffer and instead look up to them, learn from them, and--- if they will let us---- join them in protest and prayer. Pity can be nearsighted and condescending; shared suffering can be difnifying and life-changing. As we look at Job's suffering and praying and worshiping, we see that he has already blased a trail of courage and integrity for us to follow".

"Sometimes it's hard to know just how to follow Job's lead when we feel so alone in our suffering, and unsure of what God wants us to do".

Her pain is over

Emma Louise, my sister, probably the only other person in my life that could look at me and know I was torn up inside is now gone. The window of opportunity to get to know her is now over.
Emmie as I called her, was taken from cemetary of our mom in 1959 by her bio dad, along with our other sister and two brothers, dropped off at his new wife (who didnt know he had another family) in Washington State. From there, taken to an abusive uncle, and then when he was done with her taken to an orphanage where she was sexually abused and made to feel even less of a human being.....she grabbed ahold of the first person who could help her get out of there when she was 18, from there on out her life was one living hell to another one. When I first found my bio granny in 1975, she told me she didnt know where any of the kids were since she had not seen them since our bio moms funeral in 1959. It was several years later that I recieved a phone call from Emmie excited that she thought I was the baby sister who was 2 when our momma died. It took me several months if not a year to convince her i was adopted out at birth, and, that I was not Nancy Jo who was 2 when our momma died.
Over the years of getting to know her, it was only thru snail mail letters since she could never afford to pay off her phone bills, and never had a phone for long. Even tho she never really opened up and told me her hurts and pains in life, she and i had a special emotional bond. I guess that is the sister thing.
Emma Louise passed on last night, alone, in a nursing home, full of bone cancer, she died with her own thoughts and dreams never told, never fullfilled....... Emmal Louise loved her kids more than life its self, and there is so much about my sister I will never know.....for that I mourn, the lost opportunities to know her more.
I love you Emmie.....

the two Cyns

It was an exciting day of my life, 1996, I was on the trail of a new life, taking an 18 month class on Travel, and going to be a travel agent. woo-hoo....I sat at the back table since the only other table was up front and a guy was sitting at it.It was close to time for class to start and a tall woman walked up and asked if she could sit at my table, of course, have a seat.
Hi my name is Cynthia, well, hello, my name is Cynthia also, but my friends call me Cindy. As we chatted during the day, we found we had so much in common, both had daughters with the basic same name, both had the same last name at one time in life, she was born a Lowe, and I was married to a Lowe, here is the freaky part, her dad's name was Jack, and my father-in-law's name was Jack! So it was one of those doo-doo-doo times....That day we became the Two CYNS>>>CIN & CYN....We became good friends during the course of the class, we both ended up teaching the class more than the paid teachers! The school had teachers who wouldnt show up, and, IM STILL PAYING FOR THE DAMNED PLACE!!! We would sit at the back, had the best grades of the class, and, would laugh and joke the whole day, our one of many instructors would get so pissed, thinking we were laughing about her, when she was the furthest thing in our minds. She found the class boring and disillusioned of not being able to learn what she had come to learn. She quit after 4 months of it. I remember the day she quit, I sat and bawled my eyes out because my best friend was gone, and once again, I was alone. No one in that class even came close to being the kind of friend she had been, and, now she was gone. We stayed in touch, altho she lived 50 miles away, and, then, my divorce (at her encouragement) then she moved to another state 6 hours away, and, still, we kept in touch. Calling each other at least once a week, always having a good laugh, and, I thought, we were best of friends.
Over the past two years since my BBQ went bellyup, and, my life has fallen apart, she has insistently told me to get my partner out of my life, and, I insistently kept telling her, I couldnt, wouldnt, and had many reasons why I didn't. Over the past 6 months with it being the worst 6 months in my life emotionally and partner in and out of rehabs, she has pulled back. I havent talked to her but maybe 6 times which was another emotional detatchment. I have called her but she doesnt answer, and doesnt call back. I finally left a message and asked if we were no longer friends. Today I got a shock of my life.
I received an email from her, and, she is not wanting to continue the friendship, which truly hurts, and, I guess she says we have grown apart, and have different phylosophies. I dont know what that means, but, hopefully some day we will be able to sit down and talk about it. I grew up in a family that didnt talk things over, just got pissed at each other, then, didnt deal with it....and apparantly she did the same. I have grown and learned to talk about problems, but, apparenly she still doesnt....I miss her, terribly, and hope we can talk about it, and make things right....I am sorry for what I have done to cause her to back away...please know Im sorry!


Am I this fucking bad of a person? I have always tried to put other people first, i felt safe with them, only to find out, I wasnt safe with them....So, I pull back into my own world, and, keep pluggin on, allowing others to tell me by their actions Im not worthy of their friendship...I dont know how many times I have been in a group of people, start to talk abotu something, only to have someone butt in and take over the conversation, and, I listen to them, pour it out, then they go in their own direction...My partner might be the biggest drunk of my life and, maybe will never change (altho, for now he has sobered up once again) ....I really do miss my other bestest friend Cyn!

RecoveryMan Need a Laff?

ok so I said I was done, but....

I guess my blog is about the only way to really express myself, and, after learning the news of my sister being on deaths door with cancer, I will most probably HAVE to have this place to vent.

It makes me so sad, she and I most probably could have been really close, but, for what ever reason, when we sstarted writing, we would carry it so far, and, then, life would get in the way and it would be years before I would hear frm her again.
She had such a difficult life, being sent off to live with the French woman then, their Uncle Frank who beat them, and, then took them to the orphanage. She had told me she was sexually abused in the orphanage which is why she would never allow her downs syndrome daughter to go to school, or put in a home. She left the orphanage when she was 18, and, met up with a guy who she had a son with, I dont know what happened to their relationship but I know she ended up nesting up with some old man who took her back and forth to California year after year. She never had much, she lived out of the car most of the time, bringing what she could back from California to start over every year. My brother who used to be the only one who didnt have a family to keephimself tied down, would go to Muskogee to check on her quite often, he always knew she would live in the same neighborhood when she came back from California, she never went far. If there was an old beat up car in the yard, he knew where to find her.

Now she is dying, and, I cant go to her.....being alone when I die....is what i fear most, and I cant go to her....I dont even know how I am going to pay this next months bills let alone find money to go to OKC to the hospital to see her.
I HATE BEING POOR! I never ever thougth I would end up in this posititon in my life, how in the hell did it all happen, I just wish someone could explain to me why things have happened the way they have. But, no one can...there are no answers...

I dont remember ever being told I was adopted, but..

I dont remember being told I was adopted, but, I have always known it.
My mother who wanted a baby so badly, said "I wanted a baby so bad it didnt matter if you would have been blue, green, purple, 13 fingers or 2 heads we would have accepted you no matter what!" She had already suffered 4 or 5 miscarriages...

The day came that I was brought to Potwin, a small village nestled off of hiway 96 SE of Wichita my mother had to call the grocery store owner because it was after hours, and she had no milk or food in the house for a new born baby. She was in such a hurry to get to the store and get back home she ran into the store owners car which was parked in front of the store. I dont know how much damage was done, most probably a scratch, but, knowing my dad she heard the living h*** for scratching his car....when she got home.
However, being as excited as they were to have this new baby in the house, hopfully he was not that mad.

I was always told, I had two older brothers, and two older sisters, and that the lawyer had a letter written by my birth mother for me when I got "old enough", I am not sure how old, "old enough" was supposed to be, but, someday I was going to go get that letter!

I was raised as an only child, feeling left out of neighborhood fun fests, and childhood birthday partys. The neighborhood was ruled by older boys who loved to chaise me out of the "club house's" and keep me from playing with their sisters who were my age. The child hood birthday partys came and went with out invitations, I learned later because, everyone was related to each other, and I was not one of them, I didnt get invited. My parents were always up for allowing me to have parties, and, so we did. Oh what fun, and the kids who never invited me, ALWAYS showed up....

I wish I could conger up some good child hood stories, what few I have are memories of hot summer days spent, laying under the shade trees listening to the mourning doves coo to each other, never seeing what was making that sound, and the once in a while visiting neighborhood neice or nephew of neighbors who could come over to play. Frequent days spent under the huge oak trees with my neighborhood "grandpa" making mud pies, or collecting acorns with him, or perhaps, picking beautiful zinnias out of his wonderful magical garden.

At 12, my mom and dad had to make a life change since the refinery which had fueled the local economy for decades, closed down.
My dad, with an education of 6th grade, and not knowing how to read, had to go find another job. Which he did in no time, but it was to a town, where I didnt know anyone, and, never wanted to live. I had one cousin in ElDorado, and I LOVED being there but they moved the other direction to Newton instead.

My teen years were spent as any teenager, going to school events and being as busy as I could doing the club thing at school, anything to keep me from having to be at home. My parents were wonderful parents, and did the best they could....for which I will always be thankful, but when you are a teenager who wants to be at home with their parents??

Fast forward, I got married at 17 in 1969, left home, and started that search for the "bio family". My mother went with me to the lawyers to retrieve that letter....
the lawyer who had handled the adoption had passed away a few years earlier, and, his son took over the office. This son, told my mother and myself, there was no letter, and, when his father passed away, he had destroyed all the records. SOOOO my record of existence no longer existed. All I knew was what my adopted mother "chose" to tell me. I was born in Joplin Mo. my biomoms name was Alberta Rooks, her husbands name was Roy C. and my pre adoption name was baby Rooks. I had two older brothers, two older sisters, and, she loved me but couldnt keep me, oh, and that I was part Indian. A fact that I always cherished. BUT, not knowing any tribal history, I cannot even build on that historical existence!

Armed with only my bio mothers name, and town I was born in, I started my search. This was 35 years ago, before, the internet made it so easy!
I had remembered seeing a show on Oprah about families who were reunited, and thought that would be the most exciting thing, to find my bio family. Since I had been raised with no siblings, and my relationship with my adopted family was not the best, I just HAD to find my siblings. After all on tv they all seemed to be so happy and excited about finding each other!! Fueled by the fact I was pregnant with my first child, I wanted to know if there was anything I needed to know about medical history.

I got addresses from calling the local water department, at that time, people werent bound by laws against giving out addresses over the phone!

I sat down and wrote what I thought to be the most beautiful letter asking people with the last name of my birth mother to help me find her. A week went by, no responce, a month went by no response.....maybe two years went by, and no response....

I had battled depression most of my life (didnt know what it was, just knew I was sad all the time). My depression had gotten pretty bad and I was talking to my minister at the church, and shared with him about my search for my biological mother, and how it had really upset my adoptive mother, but, she didnt or wouldnt talk to me about it, instead, she got a terrible rash, as they called it back then, a case of the nerves. I felt so guilty for putting her thru that, but, at the time, she didnt even have anything to worry about, I hadnt found anyone!!

(Or DID SHE?) I still wonder to this day, if she knew more than what she let on. No one is alive to tell me.....

My ministers response was "hey, I have a friend who is a minister in Joplin, let me call him, and see what I can do for you"

With-in an hour, he was calling me back, my first news of my bio family, he had found thru the Rooks name, my biomoms maiden name and called my biograndma....his message to me was "Cindy I have some news, but its not going to be easy for you. Are you sitting down?
Your bio mother died in 1959. Your sisters and brothers no one knows where they are. The lady whom I spoke to is your mothers, mother, your grandmother, but, she is elderly and doesnt seem to recall or accept the fact that her daughter had a child who was given away for adoption. Im sorry." He gave me her phone number and address, but, also said he had given her my phone number and address.

Needless to say, my heart was broke, once again I didnt exist.
....in later years, realized, my depression started approximately 1959, when I was 7, perhaps, having my bio mother pass that year, somehow in the stars effected my psyche ?
It wasnt until two weeks later, I had a phone call from one of my bio mom's sister Dorothy. She had gone to Joplin to visit her mother, my grandmother, and, found the letter which I had sent her after the ministers phone call, she had tucked it away for her daughter to look at when she came to visit from oklahoma.
Yes, my bio mother had given a child away in 1952, but, she hadnt told anyone because I was a product of an afair, her husband was in the army, having affairs marrying another woman and having children.... all over Europe, but, she was the one who was going to be judged because she was the "unfaithful" wife back home....so she gave me away. Or, is one of the three stories....

Being the "serviceman" he was, he had a family started while in the Army stationed at Fort Riley Ks. a wife, two little girls, and then, started on my bio mothers life.
He moved in with his new pregnant wife, leaving his other woman with two daughters to raise alone.....and...had not divorced her yet! Years later, we find out that this child might not even have been his!

Biomom had been married to this man for several years, and had three (two that we know forsure) children with him when he was called to Korea, and, she was left to raise her children alone, without SRS, or welfare. She took up working in a chicken factory, and fell for a fellow worker, or at least, gave in once to him!
this is story two....

After finally talking to my aunt, and she confirmed she knew my biomom had a baby in 1952 whom she left up for adoption. This aunt, claimed to have been pregnant by the same man at the same time but had an abortion instead of the baby.....so....i have a step brother or sister but not alive.
I asked the aunt if I could go visit my grandmother and I was informed "she is elderly, and very poor, dont expect to "get" anything from her. I never did know if she was speaking not to expect any info, or, any material gain from my grandmother. I got neither!

Grandma was a very frail, old for lack of better word, hillbilly type woman.
she had led a very difficult life, collected junk for a living, and, made do with what she had. Leading a life with a man whom was filthy, vial, and a child molester (as we found out later in the story). Our visit was probably one of her first vists from a grandchild for a very long time. She had not been to her home farm where her son lived for over 35 years, and it was just across the town. She offered us lunch but after looking at the table which was covered with the filth, old dirty cans, bugs crawling, chew in a can sitting, we offered to take them to lunch.
She choose to go to Kentucky Fried Chicken, she said she hadnt had any for so long. She was hunched over, grey braids, large bones holding an old weathered wrinkled body. Just looking at her, you could tell how diffciult her life had been. Oh how sad I was, wondering what she had to go thru to bring her to this point in her life.

Being raised to do what I was told, and not ask why, It has been difficult for me to grow up not asking why. Now, I wish I would have asked more questions!

The next contact I had was with an uncle

Adopted, and non existent....

Bio Uncle Rocky called me one night in a drunken stew. Telling me he had heard I had been calling asking questions. He said, "if you have questions, you ask me, no one else will tell you the truth, but I will"

so of course I asked about my bio mom, and how I became into being.
His version of the story was basically the same as the aunts, only, he didn't claim to know about his other sister being pregnant with a baby at same time as my biomom. He also, said, the guy was married, and left town with his wife, leaving my biomom to fend for herself with three children, one on the way from another man, meaning me. If he knew where the SOB was he would go shoot him!......so.....Not another good story.....He also informed me, that my bio mom had a child for another couple who couldn't have one. Meaning....There was another child adopted before me! Another mystery!! ??

Story number three comes several years down the road, after finding cousins, being told to just let dead dogs lie, and still not finding my siblings!

.... Biomom had gotten married again in 1954 , Wilbert Fisher, strangely enough, she got married in Newton KS. Which, is a mystery to all of us why she would come to Newton and get married! (where my adoption was legalized) They both being from Joplin, MO.??
She married a man with 6 other children (his total ended up being 10), and had two more with him, plus her own 4!!!! She gave me up in 1952, had another son by her first husband 13 months later, they had 4 kids not counting me! (the biggest question.....I had always been told I had two older brothers, and two older sisters) but....According to birthdates, there is no other older brother......So....Was it the older child she gave up for adoption before me?

She divorced Roy Rooks....(as he married a woman from France 2 more kids...) and we think he had one in Germany too with at least one more kid!!!!

We quit counting after finding his 9 or ?
Biomom, then, being married had 2 more kids....Totaling 7 kept, 2 adopted out...TWO?

Brings us to 1954, in steps a baby sitter. This baby sitter took care of the brothers and sisters, and while she was married to husband number two.
She became ill in 1957 after the last baby was born. The baby sitter was more and more involved with the care of the children, ranging ages 11-new born. The baby sitter was aprox. 14-15.....Remember this leg of the story later...


1959, Biomom is full of cancer, and dying. Fisher takes her to California to see her favorite sister, along with the 6 children.
She takes a turn for the worse, he puts her on the train, with a Red Cross lady, and sends her to the Newton train station, where her two sisters and husbands pick her up, along with the 6 children and Red Cross lady and take them to the Joplin hospital where she died with in days.
The last my grandmother had seen any of the grandchildren had been the day of the funeral, their dads picked them up from the cemetery and drove off with them all.
4 with one, 2 with the last husband. She never knew where any of them were taken.

This brings me to 1979. The phone rings, and it is a "sister", she had surfaced in Joplin to visit our bio grandmother. Grandma had shown her the letter I had written back in 1972 asking if anyone knew Alberta Rooks bio moms name. After speaking for a couple of minutes, she insisted I was the baby driven away from the cemetery in 1959. I kept telling her no I was born in 1952, but, she didn't want to believe me, and refused to believe her mom had given a baby away ...She insisted she would have been 4 years old and would have REMEMBERED a baby not coming home....But....She didn't..... Because....I was that baby!
She was in California, her husband was a migrant worker and they would work their way back to Muskogee when the crops were done. They work there way back to Musgokee in the winter, and would call me when she gets back.

At that time, she didn't know where any of the other brothers or sisters were either but, when she got back to Muskogee she would look for addresses.

During this time we wrote letters, exchanged info, and she still didn't believe I was the baby born in 1952, but, once she finally communicated with Aunt Dorothy, she finally believed I was who I said I was!

February 1979, we went to Muskogee, to meet my first sibling.
they always say the First impression is the lasting impression..... Not true, I have a very loving impression now, years later....
but that day, it was of Louise, the victim....
It was chilly, we drive up to the very dilapidated house, and three small children run out all three in diapers. Ages, ranging from 5 to 2. The next person I see is a very large, dark headed woman, who to me was beautiful, but had the "typical look of an Indian squaw" and, once again, the children were filthy, she was not well kept, very dirty clothing, and, another child looking out the window and she probably weighed 350 or more!
She invited us in, her husband, at that time being maybe 65, she said he wasn't sure of his birthday!! , sat in his chair, never getting up. She gave me the tour of the house, no furniture in the living room, but, hand prints all over the walls as if the children had nothing else to do but run around putting their dirty hands on the walls. The bathroom was not a place I wanted to put my toush, and, they had no beds, only mats on the floors, with piles of dirty clothing on the floor. She tried to pull out clothing for the kids to put on instead of their diapers.... My heart broke as I saw this type of poverty for my sister. I had led a very sheltered life up to that point, as the bugs crawled on my feet, up my leg, all over the furniture, I cried inside, wondering what I had gotten myself into sibling wise. (she has since, gotten a new life, and lost weight, and I am proud she is my sister!)

Her life had dramatically changed the day our bio mom died in 1959, her daddy taking her off in the car to his "French wife" in Washington state, who didn't have a clue he had an exwife with 4 kids, let alone that they were going to be staying with her while he left to go back to Korea!
Our oldest sister became a baby sitter for the 4 and her 2, while she enjoyed the night life, bars, men & booze....He came home a year later and died of cancer, leaving all the kids in Washington with no one who really cared for them. His brother came and picked them up, and took the oldest sister to his sisters home, and took the other 3 to his farm, expecting them to be the work slaves, and beating them if they didn't do as he said, damaging them in their childhoods....When he got the government check from their fathers payment of death, he took the kids to the orphanage and dumped them off. Her story is just so sad, she never had a chance in life....
My heart broke for her while we drove home, I cried, because she had such a difficult life, and I had such good parents whom I hadn't learned to appreciate!!! BUT I DID NOW!!!

When I got home from meeting Louise (Emmie) my adoptive mom ran out of her house and hugged me saying she thought I would not want to come back home!

After our meeting Emmie, she wrote my brothers 1 in Oklahoma , and 1 in KC., and other sister in MO., and gave them my address. To which they wrote, and we ended up meeting one by one over the years. We all had such different life styles, and upbringings it was very difficult to "bond" and get to know each other.

Story three, SEVERAL years later, probably back to 1999, A cousin who had formerly lived in Joplin but had moved away, moved to Wichita, and called me asking to meet up with her. We hit it off right away, she was energetic and full of stories, but, none about my mom. Apparently, aunt "Teeny" which is what they called biomom, was kept away from family by her controlling husband when he wasn't in the army he was controlling her, so she stayed home, away from most family and that is how no one knew about me.....BUT.....Cousin believes, her dad, had a problem keeping his pants zipped, and, got to my biomom...So...She thinks, my biodad is her dad! BOY I NEED A BREAK! I STILL have not had any kind of proof from this, and, the only way we could actually find out would be DNA tests. Everyone who knows the truths in this family took the truth to their grave. We have one living Aunt, but she chooses not to face any of this and refuses to give us any information. Altho, she did offer info about our biomom, needing love and having made bad choices in men! DUH!
She also gave information which was not expected but gives us reason to believe the story of the child being given away to a couple who couldn't have one could have some validly to it. Our frail grandma's old husband seemed to have a bad case of child molestation, and got to our biomom, could this be the baby given away to the couple who couldn't have a child? The 14-15 year old baby sitter? but wait, theres more to this mystery!

Back to 1987, I received a phone call from a lady in Hutchinson KS. She had been to Joplin MO to visit her step mom (French Lady) she had never met her before but wanted to know the lady who had been married to her dad. French lady, took out a box with some letters and in the box was a letter written in 1971 asking help to find an Alberta Rooks, or Roy Rooks. She hadn't known what to do with the letter since he had died in 1961, and, she didn't now anything about Alberta, she just put it in a box.
Now, 16 years later, it was being answered!
Jeanette was the oldest child of Roy Rooks, and she remembered fully when her daddy left her, her mom, and sister for our biomom!
She didn't hold it against our mom, but she sure did against her dad.
Her mom had remarried a wonderful man a few years later and she was thankful she had such a good step daddy. She has a heart as big as Texas, and has been the baby sitter for most of Hutchinson! Her sister is Barbara in Savannah GA. We got together quite often for a few years but have since lost touch.

1988 My wonderful Adoptive parents, had a birthday party for me after finding my siblings, and, we had our first reunion! We at that time had not found the baby sister Nancy Jo or her biobrother Michael. Louise didn't have a way to come, but my two brothers Carl & Roy were there, my oldest sister Annie from Missouri meeting her for the first time, she was the sister, I had always hoped for!!! The two step sisters Jeannette, Bill & Delaine, & DJ & Barbara& Cheryll WOW WHAT A 36th Birthday PARTY!!! It made up for all the ones I missed as a child! My two brothers even took care of the entertainment, we had a water hose fight! WHAT FUN!

1997, I got my first computer. I had heard about "chat" rooms for adopted people, and I was still looking for the baby sister and brother who had been driven off from the cemetery on the day of biomoms funeral.
I took home the computer, hooked it up, not knowing that AOL was a long distance call, and not knowing anything about computers, I think I did pretty good hooking it up, and getting on line with in a day! My first phone bill was 90.00!!! That quickly got taken care of once I learned local numbers to get hooked up to.
I put in the word adoption and found a world of info, and chat rooms.
But, not my sister. Time passed, now aprox 1998, and, we moved. I got back online, and, found a message board where I could put a listing for my baby sister asking for anyone knowing of a Nancy Jo Fisher daughter born 1957, and Mike Fisher, born 1955, children of Alberta Rooks Fisher please contact me. With in days, I had an email from a lady who had also seen a search put out by my baby sister looking for for Alberta Rooks.....she put two and two together and put my baby sister in touch with me!
I drove to Texas to meet her, and this was a VERY happy Reunion!!

As she had a cell phone, and I had a cell phone, we called each other to check and see our locations, trucks we were driving, etc, and out she flew, came running to my truck, all 95 pounds of her....here was this tiny little spit fire from Texas, the baby sister we finally had found each other!! !

We enjoyed a week in Texas, and then drove to Muskogee, met her/our brother Michael who had been missing since 1959, and all the rest of us.... on March 3, 1999 we, all 7 of us, were in the same room, for the first time in 40 years! Here were the oldest 3, then me whom they hadn't known about, the next three two of which had been whisked away when 2, and 4, and now for the first time we sat with some of our children and visited in the same room! The oldest remembered the two youngest, so were totally thrilled at reuniting with them, but, once again, I was the outsider, but at least I was part of the reason we got all together!!

It was not an Oprah style reunion, and it took several years to get it all together but I am so very happy we were able to get that one reunion it.
Our oldest brother Roy who, also kept us all stirred up with his behaviors and gossips about one another, came to Kansas to see our step sister, but, choose not to stop in and see me since he was upset with me for not loaning him some money. He was in Kansas for Christmas 1999, drove back to Oklahoma, and, on the day before New Years Eve of 2000, I got a call he was found dead in his apartment, apparently a heart attack when he got home from Hutchinson.
Since he was always showing up unannounced and always upset if I already had plans, it didn't surprise me he died on THE WEEKEND of the Millennium for party plans! I packed up and went to Oklahoma to help clean out his apartment, there was no one else that could go do it at that time except Delaine her sister DJ, and brother Carl, and myself. We had his body cremated, and, laid to rest in a local cemetery, but, had no service.....Which I feel sad about but my niece wanted to put something together after the holiday when everyone could be there, but..never did...

Baby sis, Nancy Jo, has since been doing so much more searching, and, has come up with the biggest mystery......Her adoptive mom was the 14-15 year old baby sitter from 1957, who, also, might be that child who was given away to the couple who couldnt have a child!!!!
Baby sis has found so many other mysteries, I have asked her to QUIT looking, we will NEVER find answers, these people are dead and buried! Her adoptive father is still alive, but...wont tell her anything....why do people think they are doing a favor by keeping secrets!!!

middle of the night intimacy was only there with one...

dream of returning to the past
fear of going back to same old behaviors

waking up facing the past

revolution of the mind.....

have to wake up, but yet this nitemare continues

cant grasp on to the merrygoround ring
keep missing it and getting thrown off....

falling out of life, every fall takes a tole on my body and soul
i keep trying to grab on and i keep falling off

The one I really wanted didnt want me, he walked outwithout saying goodbye, and I never heard from him again.....he tore my heart out, and left me along the road as road kill, to bleed todeath...

partner is gone again in treatment center, now, do i wait for him, hoping the changes will actually take place or is he hopeless, I just hate feeling hopeless for him....he is such a good person when he is sober, but.....can he change? or, am i alone the rest of my life?

My only dream was to be in love and loved....
I guess that is why I dont know what I want to be when I grow up because every time I have left a relationship, its starting over again, loosing all the dreams, and visions of my future, taking me down to the pits of hell, and not knowing how to rise up on my own instead of having another man in my life....
I hopelessly believe in soul mates
and i believe our souls travel searching for that soul
sometimes it is fluttered by a second of recognation, but, until it is truly touched by the other soul, it cant be connected
When that love fleets away our heart is broken, shattered, takes a long time putting it back together....
WHAT IS HAPPINESS ?
being here with you.....The one who is love....who can love....who does love...

memories of the fall, faces from the past
who was the love from the past...?
subconscious thing, treated women carelessly, here today gone tomorrow, never seen again....life moved on but yet my heart lingers for his touch, his look, his gentleness....

then partner came into my life, became like family to me, i dont want to give up on him, i need an answer, i need more...i am loosing hope, and dont like that feeling..
you tell me you want to have a future with me but your actions dont show it...I cant keep going like this...

Hi Ho Hi Ho Back to the Looney Bin he goes....

He stayed away 4 days, showed up on my doorstep asking to take a shower, and sleep in his bed once last time. Of course me being the push over, I allowed it.
He slept most of the next day, Im sure being out in the elements for 4 days, with 99 degree temps, he was totally wiped out. The next day after his sleep, we enjoyed the 4th of July, knowing he had a new job waiting for him on the 5th, he seemed excited, humbled, and knowing this was his last chance at change.
At least I have good memories of our last day together, he wasnt DRUNK on his ASS!
It was the good guy I fell in love with and have not been able to let go of.

The 5th came, he got up early to get to work by 7am. At 8:45 he called saying they were sending him over to the next town to pick up some parts, he would call me at lunch. He never did. I left work at 12pm, drove by the job sight and his truck was not there, he didnt answer his phone, I went home, threw his cloths on the porch and called his cell phone leaving a message that his clothes were on the porch, he needed to pick them up before I got home at 3pm.

5pm came along, he showed up, not drunk, but, had had a beer in hand.
Saying he was going back to the looney bin, for me to sell his stuff he cant seem to get it together and knows he is leaving me in a mess financially since he has not been able to hold down a job for more than a few of months at a time for the last 4 years.

Today I went and picked up boxes to get his stuff packed and off my porch.
I have gone through so many ranges of emotions, pissed off at myself for allowing him to stay almost 6 years, wanting to believe in him so much, knowing he could change if he just allowed the holy spirit to take over his life, but, he is void, empty, and cant seem to grasp hold of the teachings, or..doesnt want to.

I dont know what the answers are but, now, once again, I find myself having to start over AGAIN!
My life has been total hell for the last 30 years with little repreive inbetween.
Divorced twice, now this relationship over, broken dreams, faded visions, nothing more than void in my life also. Trying to hold on to what Faith I have left, and the memories of what few good times I have had in my life.
Each divorce is like a death, family and friends fall by the wayside, no one invites me to dinners, I have become invisible to them, and, others. I can walk into a grocery store or department store and no one notices me, i can rarely get a smile out of others walking past me.

I just feel so empty and unfullilled.
I know there are millions of others out there less fortunate than me, and right now I am feeling very self centered, but, cant seem to get past the pain of loss, over and over and over...I keep a smile on my face at work, few people know my problems, but.....I am dying on the inside, and, no one can help me....

I read articles about "I am in control of my future" THAT IS BULLSHIT!
Every step I have taken to secure my future has sent me deeper in to hell....
I just dont know how to pull my bootstraps up and get going again.
My body is so out of shape, my self confidence is wiped out, and, Iam totally alone.
Son lives in Colorado, daughter lives 40 minutes away both have their own lives.
Son didnt even call me for my birthday yesterday.
Daughter and family took me out for dinner last night which was very much appreciated. Several people from my job acknowledged it, which made me feel appreciated but.....where are tehy today when Im really needing someone?

Life sux then you die.....

shit hit the fan

he is finally gone, it took less than 6 years for him to go nuts and get kicked out
once again a woman gave up on him....
i loved him so much, not physically but emotionally, he was so kind, and gentle when sober, but....such an asshole when drunk...and, got more stupid everday after 5 years NOTHING MAKES anysense anymore...

now that he is out of the house maybe my life will start making sense?
but...I miss the phone calls in the middle of the day, asking "hey woman what you doing?"
there was a time we talked but, it got to the point, if he was drunk, he talked a short time then he was out of control, and nothing but fighting...he drinks less but out of control faster, it was escalating
he felt so hopeless, put himself into the state mental hosptial, but didnt like being there asked to be let out. He lasted less than two weeks at living up to the rules of no drinking, go to work, and, going to meetings
he couldnt do it....he left for 36 hours with out letting me know where he was..i was calling and begging him to come home, which was the LAST THING i should have been doing but, I wanted him to know how much he was loved and needed...
I felt sorry for him and didnt want him to feel so hopeless, but, obviously he doesnt want me or be with me, just another rejection....in life....altho he says I should not be so egotistical, its not rejection of me its just his inability to not drink....

his sanity times were shorter and shorter....
he used to make it 6 weeks sober...
Was I that hard to live with?

I just want to understand the mind of an alcoholic
the treatment centers arent helping them, but sure cost plenty of dough!

Is there an answer?
Scientology claims to have the answer, but, it is brainwashing, however, church does the same thing, why is is so difficult to hang on to the message from the church?
each church teaches basically the same thing but, each one has its own flavor, and, most of what i have found most dont really want to deal with hurting people...
Just like the lady I met recently...she is one of the CRAZIEST people I have EVER KNOWN....all types of diagnosis, but...no one wants to be around her, I dont even want to but....She is hurting so badly, her tears just ran down her face, poor child, she just wants a "normal" life....instead of being on disability....
but she lives in a tiny room, having to keep her important things in a travel bag and carry them downstairs with her because she says people get into her things.
If it is true or not she is phycho, but at the same time hurting so badly.

I just hope and Pray God will show me how to help her, I couldnt help Him, he wanted his life, not what I had to offer....
he said he did, but obviously he didnt....



I know its in Gods hands now, nothing can be done for him, no one can do anythig for him he has to pull himself up....
and he doesnt think he can....

i just hope he doesnt end it all as he has said many times, and, never been able to do...
not being able to hear from him is difficult but, at least i cant call him, i kept his phone!
He is out there with out money, wiht out phone, and will most probably find another sugar momma to keep him in booze and a place to live....I guess I was pretty stupid for putting up with him for so long, I just wanted him to know I believed in him, and our dream of the best bbq!!! but dreams are gone, spirit is almost gone...
with out spirit, no dream, no vision...no life....
where will it go from here?
either up or down
if I live with Faith, it HAS TO GET BETTER because that is what they keep telling me, but, for over 30 years it hasnt gotten better it keeps getting WORSE!

all perspective...all the way you look at it, so far i have not been able to see the blessings in any of the life changes i have had in the last 30 years
just al ot of heart ache and pain...
please help me see the blessings....


any one out there?
they say blogs draw over 8 million people a day....DOES ANYONE READ ME?

anyone out there?

Chocolate set to conquer the health-food market�|�Reuters.com

Chocolate set to conquer the health-food market�|�Reuters.com

Goodnews for the chocolate lover!!!!

What a 36 hour day its been!

After going to the nuthouse to get my nut out, we had a wonderful weekend, talked about a future, talked about our plans, and enjoyed the time of being back together..,....or, so I thought....
at 10:30 on Monday morning, he came into my office and told me he was going to the next town for a job interview, saying it sounded pretty promisiing for a job starting in two weeks. Overjoyed I praised God and we prayed together asking for the blessing of employment and getting back on our feet.
That was over 36 hours ago, he has not been home since. I made a missing persons report yesterday after him being gone 24 hours. Finally last night at 9 he called to let me know he was ok, he would be home in 5 hours. He had gone to his "hometown" to face his demons.....ok....so....once again, forgiveness, I felt he was showing a sign of really trying to make life right.
NOW....12:30 he is still not home!

I must be the stupidist person on earth to keep believing this guy!

long time

Its been a long while since I had time to just sit and write.
It seems life keeps me busy, but, im not accomplishing anything!
I went to a program the other day given by a fellow highschool student. She was always the brains in the class, way above all of us other students. She is a Dr. of Divinity, music major, has written several books, travels to the Holy Lands, has worked on archilogical digs, song writer, and Professor at the local Bible College here in town. So much in her 53 years, and I have NOTHING TO SHOW for my labors.
That is enough to depress me big time!
All in the name of love have I stood by my men, until I couldnt stand anylonger, each time, giving up everything for my freedoms.
Now, here I sit once again, wating for my man to get grow his balls and GROW UP!
THEY DONT GROW UP, just grow OLD!

While he is in the state hospital trying to figure out what is wrong with him, I struggle to pay bills, and keep things afloat, I wish I had the chance to go to the hospital and find ME! But, floating thru life with no direction seems to be my way of life.

While he is gone, I should be able to have time for me, but, with trying to keep bills paid, I find myself busier than normal at work, and, had 17 hours over time, but, the church doesnt want to pay me over time, so, told me to take the days off!
WHAT A BUNCH OF BULL! I NEED THE DOLLARS! NOT THE TIME OFF, but, am trying to find the blessing in having the time off instead of the extra money!
One good thing came about, partner had taken on painting a house for a guy at the church, and, with his "dissapearing" to the hospital, his brother took over painting, but was doing a crappy job, so the guy didnt want to pay for the job, Partner told the guy he would make it right when he gets out, but that I needed the money to stay afloat. He evaded me daily, walked around the church as to not have to talk to me in the office, and I finally confronted him on his ignoring me and trying to not have to pay me, knowing I was depending on the money to come in. He stumbled a bit knowing he has been caught. We talked about the situation, and, I left it up to the Lord last night. This morning he showed up with the promised amount of $$, and told me he knew we would do the job when partner gets out of the hospital! I cried, feeling rather badly knowing he was paying for a job not well done! BUT we will make it right!

I will make it thru this, I just hope partner is capable of holding on to some of the gentleness and goodness God is showing him, and me!

I am going to the hospital tomorrow to see partner, I sure hope he has a spark of life in him, the last time I saw him he looked so hopeless.
He hasnt sounded too much better on the phone, but I do know they have been sending him to a lot of classes, such as anger management etc
He needs group support in child abuse issues, and, hopefully, he can learn to let it go, and move on...

It is easier to build a child, than to fix an adult....which is the scarey part, but, I am believing GOD CAN HEAL HIM!

strange road ahead

Partner left in a state car, going to the state looney bin, and, this is the most distanced we have been in 6 years. It is scarey, not knowing what they will do to him, and not knowing how they are going to treat him.
He cant bullshit his way thru this time, hopefully....

Did he go because he didnt want to leave me? Or, just too chicken scared of living out on the streets alone?
The last time he went into street l iving, he was in california, and had a woman pulling him thru with her.

He has never stood on his own two feet.
He is afraid, and, what else?
What else has kept him from being the man he is supposed to be?

How can the men in the church help him?

I wish they would have stopped at PV to pray with him, but not one guy has offered to go see him or help him while he is there. As long as he came to them, they talked to him for a short while, but, have you noticed, no one has more than a few minutes for each other anymore?
WHAT IS IT THEY ARE ALL SO BUSY DOING
THEY ARE FUCKING RETIRED!!!!

Im so tired of being brushed off, and, when I finally open up...become vulnerable, they all turn and run....

How in the hell is a person supposed to get their shit together when everyone runs away?
no one wants to get involved anymore! AND IT SUCKS!

I cant even go into the ministers office and feel "free" to express myself with out feeling as tho I am taking up too much of his time...

He has a lot of time on his hands, but, seems to keep quite a few people in his office too, but...i think they are more the bullshitters than people in need.

Working in a church once again, and the one I grew up in...brings me full circle
but, hopefully I have grown alot, spiritually since then!

I stsill get so frustrated at the lack of "spirituality" in the church, seeing the religious stiff neckedness just makes me sick! but....

I try to not make waves, just pray for the people....

doesnt it seem strange, lost, codes, what is the cosmos trying to tell us?

For about 25 years the cosmos has been trying to tell me something...
I am only able to tune in ever so rarely, as life has kept me running to and fro, and no one to help guide me.
Life has been so difficult, and, yet, I know some of the new strength I have recieved is thru all the pain I have endured, but not many people really know about it.
The ones who know, only know part of it, as I have never been able to really get to the nitty gritty in my story, cuz everyone else has a story too....and, no one wants to listen with out giving advice, and I get so fucking tired of people telling me what to do, then, i do it, and my life goes crazy again!

Im able to have an evening with the cosmos and hopefully find some piece of the puzzle.
I just wish I hda someone to talk to face to face, online is nice but, face to face is so much nicer, but...no one wants to talk....
unless they are being intertained its not something most people do....at least not here in home town!

erase anything that is linked to pagen rituals
the church didnt want the world to know they have been in the world of paganism
Christ and Magdalene, Cyrus,
Faith on the sacred Union, sexual
Traditional Christianity, cannot see MAry as a Goddess....
creating her in the image that we want?
The church made her a saint...not something they would do if they wanted to put her in as a SAint?
Descentants, keep the royal blood line going

Speak in tongues
rituals

If Christains believed in anything like that they would be crucified
for heiresy...wasnt that what Jesus was crusified for?
while people stood back and watched My Jesus being stoned....(naturally!)
My Jesus was stripped of his clothes.....naked he walked.....
MY Jesus was beaten to red blood flesh stripped from his body with the scorge of the whip....
My Jesus was looking up at his MEN asking WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?

Doesnt it seem strange, that the Bible would quote four different stories?
dont they want the truth to come out? Or was confusion the name of the game?

Oh how I wish I had someone to talk to about these things..anyone here in hometown would think I was the biggest sinner believing the things I do...

like, Jesus was a partier, they dont want that to be known...
why else would he need more wine at the wedding?


curator of the church, legend made famous by the novel.
no normal renovation, image of Christs body, being removed after night fall

Mary, normally called a prostatute
sonaire, makes an astonishing find

pappia dosia sangral my spelling is awfull sorry

blood lines of Jesus, holy Blood, holy Grail

OK WHAT ARE ALL THESE CODES ABOUT?

is anyone out there trying to find the answers too?

please write me......

Hello Ex!

Wow, Saturday was the most amazing day, Im still in a daze.
I had prayed for my ex, and my partner the night before. Not knowing where the partner was, and knowing he was supposedly in a detox, going into rehab on the next day, and supposedly into a half way house after the rehab, I have made up my mind I would sell my home in hometown and move to Colorado to be closer to my son.
Amazingly enough, early Saturday morning there was a phone call from my Ex!! Asking if he could come over, since I had not talked to him since Christmas, I was totally taken back. He said he would be over shortly, he was there with in seconds!
I was amazed at his quickness, when we were married it was the "social" thing to do ....be late!
I invited him in, since I had called him several weeks ago with a problem on my computer, that was his first thing he asked about, and, we ended up talking about computer talk for over 2 hours! Then I told him about my plans to go to Colorado this weekend to check things out, and, hopefully find a job, and apartment close to son....and to get my house on the market with in a couple of weeks. I asked if he wanted to buy the house...he said "I might!"
So we discussed him buying the house, I would leave all big stuff so not to have to move it, and, he would pay cash! WOW what a blessing that would be, plus he said I could leave all the stuff I couldn't get moved in the first truck if I wanted, and he would allow me to store it here till I was able to come back and get it.....
During lunch, I asked him what was the real reason for his call, and visit. He said he had a dream about us the night before. After some prodding, he finally told me he had dreamed we had sex. Then he turned bright red!!!
When we were together the sex was AMAZING! It was good enough to keep us together for 13 1.2 years!!! I was surprised at his answer, and, hadn't given "us" a thought since he had not returned phone calls since Christmas, I had let us go.....
When I said, "no" he came right over to where I was sitting and got on his knees and said "you know we had great sex together" It was all I could do to keep myself from falling into his hands....which is where he had me for all of those years. We may not have had anything else together but we had great sex, especially after a fight! It has been over 5 years almost 6 years for me, so it was all I could do to say "NO" As he was working on me the rest of the afternoon, he became rejected, and finally left. I on the other hand, felt empowered, and the final closure came when I remembered all the times he let me down, by coming home drunk, being too drunk to go to school programs, being too drunk to go to family reunions, nothing I ever wanted to do was accomplished by him with me. He was a great maintenance man, always fixed things that needed to be fixed, and boy is that a GREAT thing in a marriage! BUT...there is more....I wanted to travel, the closest we got to traveling was go to KC to see his dad after finding him after 26 years of separation.
As he tried so diligently to get me to say "yes" I kept asking myself if I wanted to get back into the need for sex. After a person does with out it for so long the desire goes away, and the pump definitely goes dry. I didn't allow my pump to be primed, and, even tho, wish I could have said yes one last time to him, I am glad I didn't. Partner, showed up drunker than a skunk soon after he left.....
and, once again, here I go again.....
now...I am sitting tight hoping ex will come thru with buying my house, so I can go on to Colorado.

Here I go again

Partner started drinking again, 6 weeks after getting out of a 10,000.00 rehab!
I could see the signs comin on, but, he refused to be truthful. He said he was going to meetings, and maybe he was, but, he never got a sponsor, and, never asked me to go to any open meetings, so...who knows if he was actually going?

He had a good job, one he said he enjoyed, but....it gave him too much freedom, and, with in a week, he was drinking on the job...came home drunk, DROVE 30 miles home!
After telling me he would NEVER drink and drive having his license back meant all the world to him...yeah right...
I cant beleive I have fallen for his shit for 6 years!
I look back now, and, almost every 6 months he was in a dry out tank, or a rehab center, his sister says he has NEVER been sober longer than 4 years and she thinks that was when he was in the prison in California when he lost his lisence.

I really like him, cant say I love him with all my heart, but, for a companion we had a great time...except when he drinks too much. Cant say I ever felt secure with him, he didnt bring much into the relationship, financially or emotionally, so, why did I put up with him this long?

He doesnt know it yet, but, he is not coming back here. Im packing up his computer and clothes and few items that belong to him, and, moving him out.
I will take his stuff to his sisters with in the next week or so, when i have time.

I dont know how im going to have time to get things done once I start working for B.
If she ever signs papers for me to be her care taker, she is going to be taking up what little free time I have. Since partner is being kicked out, I will need the extra dollars that the care taker job will bring in...but...not going to have time to get rid of all my shit.

I wish I werent emotionally tied to so much of my furniture and crap...it makes it so difficult to unload my "life".
Being alone sux, but it is definatly better than living with a man like a brother.
I just hope he can find some happiness in his life, I just cant be in it anylonger.
I feel sorry for him, I really feel as tho I am giving up on him, which is what I said I would never do, but, I just cant deal with his behaviors anylonger.

He is doing nothing but dragging me down with him, and, I WANT TO LIVE before I DIE!

My son wants me to move to Colorado where he is, and, I am seriously concidering it.
but...I HAVE ALL MY STUFF!!!!!
and, I dont know how I will do it alone, it takes so much physical strength to pack, move stuff and load it...and, i have NO one to ask, everyone is in worse shape than I am, and older....

Sometimes I just feel like giving up...but...to me that looks like sitting on the couch the rest of mylife watching tv all night..and that really scares me!
IM TOO YOUNG TO GIVE UP.....sigh....
I ahve to get out of hometown, cuz, if I dont I will die here..a young age!

Something has to be done!

LEAP

alt="Law Enforcement Against Prohibition" border="0">


Partner and I just came home from a lecture on Stop The War On Drugs!
A retired police officer from Boston who was on one of the first drug DEA teams in 1970's is finally speaking out....he created

LEAP Law Enforcement Against Prohibition

WOW....we been sold a war that will NEVER be won with the way it is being fought. I already knew, and I would hope most everyone else does too, but...the truth is finally coming out about the fact that THE GOVERNMENT created the drug problem, sold the drugs in return turned around "arrested" the same people they gave and sold the drugs to in the beginning so to have people to arrest!!!!!! for votes for the politicians wanted to look good and get votes! NOW they spend 69BILLION dollars a year keeping the monster fed!
new prisons, no money for schools, no money for health care but now 30 years later, with what started as a lie....a we didnt have a drug problem, just a little weed and hash their first seizure was 19 pounds!!!! and that was planted for publicity sake!!!!
today drug profits are 500 BILLION DOLLARS A YEAR on the all created by OUR government!!!!
PEOPLE NEED TO BE PISSED AND DO SOMETHING!!!!

JOIN LEAP!!!! http://leap.cc


It doesn't cost anything, if they can get 1million people to join the STOP THE WAR ON DRUGS, they can get things turned around in Washington....

If I were to die tomorrow

No one would even notice.
That picture that goes around online about the guy who died at work, and was dead for 5 days before someone noticed, is rather scarey, but oh so true.
Would anyone really notice if I died tomorrow?

My partner would when he got home to see I hadnt moved out of bed ....but, when we go to eat he doesnt even talk to me, or look at me....why are we together?

my boss would, when I didnt show up for work, and, maybe took a day to decide to call and see where I was...he doesnt even come talk to me, just passes the office and says hi..."any messages?"
and walks on....

my kids ....might take a month, or more before they noticed....my son doesnt call back when i call him....my daughter, well....She makes an attempt to show she cares....but, if I were gone, I would be one less person she had to deal with in her own complicated life....
my granddaughter told me the other day I wasnt a part of her family....because my name wasnt the same as hers, or her grandpa's.....she has cut my heart out so many times....She has never been a loving grandchild, and has said hurtful things ever since she was capable of talking....she has pushed me away, doesnt want to sit on my lap, or give me hugs, and kisses with out her mommy telling her to....

My email friends...very few of them ever reply, even to my personal notes, whom I pass on intimate "funnies" several times a day, but, only a very very few ever even send back anything...most of what they send to me is a repeat of something i sent out months ago...like they dont even look at what i send, and i send the only the best of the best!

My church people really dont even know i am there on worship day, the only one who says hi is the one who leads my Bible study, and that is when I walk in the door cuz she is the greeter!

My cousins forsure wont miss me, I havent heard from any of them since my mom and dad died!

My cousin whose mom lives in town, only time I have heard from her was when she needed someone to check on her mom, once the crisis was over, she never calls, or writes....

Maybe I am just too sentimental, allways have been, allways will be, even when I was little, I tried to get the people in my moms family to have little plays, showing each other how much we loved each other, but, they all thought it was stupid...

My home town where I lived till 12, no one there remembers me, so why go back...

I just dont exsist....

My bleeding has started back up, my herbalist hasnt been able to get it to stop, I refuse to go to the dr. She said, If I go, they will tell me I have cancer, which is a lable they always put on something they dont know what it is....
I have had trouble with vaginal bleeding for over 5 years, at first it was just really heavy periods, then, once i got so involved with my restaurant, and all the stress, it didnt quit...I went for over 6 months, heavy before I finally went to a Dr. I was too far from her to be able to get down to see her, so, went to the local hospital. They gave me the abortion pill, which expelled my utturus lining, and the tumor....the heavy bleeding quit, but, I was still having periods so when I had them, they were heavy!
Once I moved back to hometown, it started up again, no insurance, so continued with herbalist.
She gets it to quit for a few months, then it comes back...
If I died tomorrow, no one would notice, so, why keep trying....
Maybe being Easter, and thinking about Jesus, and the torture he lived in his last days.
He tried to tell his friends he would be gone but they didnt understand, didnt pay attention to what he was telling them....
How he lived thru the pain and suffering is beyond me other than GOD willing his life, but, even at the end, he said..."Why have you forsaken me"

I think there is so much more to the Jesus story than what we really know and have been told...but....its herasy to dig deeper and find those truths...but, yet Jesus said "the truth shall set you free"

If I were to die tomorrow...would anyone even miss me......?

Just dont know if I can handle all the excitement

Standing still waiting is one of the hardest things I hvae done in the past ten years. Nothing like the past 4 years emotionally, but, not knowing where Im headed, or what my purpose for being back in hometown is driving me NUTS! During the week when I am busy with work is ok, but, being home, weekends, with no money to do anything is the PITS!
I suppose I can always go visit the people who are still alive, since they are the ones who never went to see my dad, and, I have supposedly forgave them. Which, is, NOT what I want to do, but...then, when is walking in a journey doing what we want to do, not my will but Thy will.
The one uncle who is still living, is 90+ and seemingly getting meaner and nastier all the time, I am not sure why I feel I should go see him, or that I have to go see him, but, If this is the reason he is still alive, then, he is holding on and Im ignoring the push to go see him. Does that make sense?
His daughter always says mean spirited things and, I end up retreating into my pitty hole after talking to her, so, it is just something I really rather spare myself.
I have been fighting depression for the last several days, I fell again, and messed up my knee which I messed up a year and half ago, and...has taken until just last week to be able to walk with out a limp. I was so exicted I pointed it out to one of the ladies at the church that my limp was healed, the next day, I tripped on a crack on a driveway while helping with a garage sale, and, down I went on both knees, my fall was broken with a box thank GOD, but, not till after I landed with all weight on my bad knee. It is bulging, and bruised. Also hurt my wrist that I cracked in Florida. Since then, depression has been very heavy. I have done the EFT several times but cant seem to shake it. Guess Im not using the right words....
Im snappy at partner, and, just over all, feel so unapreciated, and un verified, back to just feeling as tho I barey exist. Im just so tired of feeling like that.
I wrote the minister an email asking if I could talk to him, but, he has not answered it either..
Just feel as tho no one cares if i exist.....
my life has been totally waisted....no one even knows who I am in the town where I was raised as a child, my bio family didnt even know I existed when I found them....
my adopted family has not called on me once since my parents have died....
im just floating....hoping to find a place to be planted....but...so far, no place really cares....
The church were I work, which is also the church were I attended from 12 until I was 26 and, got married the first time, cares, they like my work, but, that is 5 days a week, the rest of the week im non existant....
The search for significance....I think I read that book once....guess it didnt do much good, cuz, im still insignificant....
ok, im done eating worms....maybe tomorrow I will fell better, its MONDAY.

The difference between an adventure and journey

I was asked to write a short column on my spiritual Journey for the church I work for.
WOW She doesnt have a clue what I have been thru in the past 10 years, and, how, my journey has been more of an adventure than anything else.

So, as lying in bed at 2am, not being able to sleep, I started thinking about my "adventure" or, is it Journey?

what is the difference between the two?
lets take a look....
Journey: has 228,000,000 links on the web, and looks like most of them have to do with the BAND JOURNEY! One can get lost just taking a journey on the internet looking for a word!

Dictionary has to say:

The act of traveling from one place to another; a trip.
A distance to be traveled or the time required for a trip: a 2,000-mile journey to the Pacific; the three-day journey home.
A process or course likened to traveling; a passage: the journey of life.

The Thesaurus has to say:

To make or go on a journey: pass, peregrinate, travel, trek, trip. Idioms: hit the road. See move/halt.
To move along a particular course: fare, go, pass, proceed, push on, remove, travel, wend. Idioms: make one's way. See move/halt.

The verb journey has 2 meanings:

Meaning #1: undertake a journey or trip
Synonym: travel


Meaning #2: travel upon or across

Synonym: travel

journey
v
Definition: travel
Antonyms: stay, wait





The word Adventure has 334,000,000 links:
The dictionary has to say:
An undertaking or enterprise of a hazardous nature.
An undertaking of a questionable nature, especially one involving intervention in another state's affairs.
An unusual or exciting experience: an adventure in dining.
Participation in hazardous or exciting experiences: the love of adventure.
A financial speculation or business venture.

v., -tured, -tur·ing, -tures.

v.tr.
To venture upon; undertake or try.
To expose to danger or risk; hazard.
v.intr.
To take a risk; dare.
To proceed despite risks.
[Middle English aventure, from Old French, from Latin adventūrus, future participle of advenīre, to arrive. See advent.]

The Thesaurus says:
noun

An exciting, often hazardous undertaking: emprise, enterprise, venture. See safety/danger.
verb

To run the risk of: chance, hazard, risk, venture. See safety/danger.
To expose to possible loss or damage: compromise, hazard, risk, venture. See safety/danger.

Adventure refers to events which happen unexpectedly and involve the chance of danger or loss. Adventures can include daring feats, remarkable occurrences, stirring encounters, and major life undertakings.

Adventurous experiences create psychological and physiological arousal which can be interpreted as negative (e.g., fear) or positive (e.g., flow) (see Yerkes-Dodson law). For some people, adventure becomes a major pursuit in and of itself, for example see Extreme Sports.


Applications of Adventure
Adventure is a term used in many contexts and situations. For example, it is a key component of narrative, story-telling, drama and role-playing and the concept is used to structure and interpet books, films, music and computer games. Adventure is also used within education, sport, tourism and others forms of entertainment. Examples of these adventure genres and applications include:

Adventure education is the use of challenging experiences for learning.
Adventure film is a film genre.
Adventure game is a computer game genre.
Adventure novel is a fiction genre.
Adventure (role-playing games) involve acting out a specific storyline or plotline.
Adventure racing involves competing in multiple outdoor adventure extreme sports.
Adventure tourism offers travellers chances to have exciting travel encounters.



Well it looks like I could take a life time looking up the real meanings of the words but what comes out boldly to me, is,
Adventure is risk taking
Journey is travel with stay and wait as a major part.

The past 10 years I have called my life an adventure, never knowing where Im going from one moment to the next. Taking risks, moving out of comfort zone hometown, to the city, doing the yahoo personal match dating game before it was "popular" risking my life with men I didnt know, and some were probably pretty risky moments!
Putting all of my money on the line going to a little town, to "run a business" which I had NO Business doing, except working for a lady who had done the same years ago and seemed to make it look so easy, and profitable...thinking "if she can do it I can too!" WRONG!
She even told me, "oh why didnt you call me before taking the plunge!"

Coming back to home town with my tail between my legs, mainly because my dad was old and needed me, but also because I was going broke, and thought a bigger town would be my salvation. WRONG....WRONG....WRONG....financially it finished me off.
BUT....I have started my JOURNEY....
A Journey I started when I was but a child, knowing Jesus, knowing He was my everything. BUT....not understanding the journey started, and I had a long walk ahead of me. Oh, if I could go back, would I do things differently?
I dont know, probably not. Im head strong, always have to know WHY, and always have to find out the hard way. SO...probably not....
My adventurous days may be over, no money, no energy, no ability to move on.
My journey, is here, in the spiritual realm, in a town where I do not want to be, the town I ran away from 10 years ago, and, feel stranded, but...that is what Journey says: Stay, wait......for the next adventure?

When she asked me to write a short story on my journey.....how in the world do I write a SHORT STORY?
by going back to basics,
Adventure....to take risk
Journy...to travel, wait, stay....

My adventures took me to many places, lots of traveling, lots of excitement, and lots of pain.
My journey, its a life time, where it takes me in life I still dont know, but, one thing for sure, I know, someday I will get to see Jesus' glorious Face. Or, at least that is what the Bible tells me so.
Journey....to walk, to ponder...to find self....with Jesus at the lead....can only lead to Faith, Peace, and Love.

Rosaleas Birthday Wish

Rosalea's big Birthday Wish

Check out the other blog I built for a friend of mine.
and feel free to tell me your comments...

gosh I sure wish I could figure out how to do websites, blogs are so much easier!

let me know what you think, PLEASE...no comments makes me think, NO ONE CARES!!!!
which....they DONT---- which is a huge disapointment!!!

interesting reading

sometimes something comes along worth checking into
this is one of those times....

Every once in a while

Every once in a while, I feel hope. This is one of the few times!
I have finally plugged into a great Bible study, the ladies are very accepting, and make me feel good about being there, non judgmental, and accepting.
Partner is in rehab, and I really think he is in good counseling. In fact the councilor has taken me in, for counseling also, and, so far has given us two free counseling sessions to ge me involved with "getting better". I also started going to Al-anon, however, I feel less hopeful about going to that group. I will go, and give it a chance, as they said "give us 6 tries, if you don't like us then, we will gladly refund your misery" funny....But...True!
I cant imagine going and sitting listening to them read chapter after chapter in their "blue book"
nothing is more boring to me than, reading, let alone listening to others reading! I will try to get past that, and try to listen and learn, but...I have my doubts!

My job is going well, I have enjoyed living with out partners drunken bouts of belligerence
I wish I could say I miss him, I do, but, I dont. If I were passionately inlove with him it would be different Im sure. I do love him, but, as a brother, which takes me way back to a full circle with my first ex. I might as well have stayed married to him, he was a good man, would have never put me thru the fighting, and drunken stewed fits I have lived with in my last marrage, and now, live in relationship. BUT....I dont know if I could have lived with him forever! I never saw us as an old couple together. I definately could have lived with my 2nd husband the rest of my life, or, at least I think I could have. BUT< I couldnt live with the rejection.
There have been other men in my life, whom I know I could have lived with all my life, but...they didnt want me even longer than 6 weeks. Which brings me to, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Going to the group meetings for rehab, just makes me really want to get into some good counceling, become more self aware, and find out why I have been rejected all my life.
Of course, thru my spiritual training I have had over the years, I know God accepts me just as I am. BUT...I have never felt truly accepted by man of flesh!
Yesterday in counceling, we had to do a "what I like, dont like" about each other.
He found very few things he didnt like about me, infact, he said, he would only change three things.....my self physical care (he doesnt like it that I go to an herbalist instead of medical Dr.
second, he feels I dont have much trust in other humans....GEE I WONDER WHY>?
three, he wishes I could open up more and be more involved with others......WOW...after lving with rejection all my life, I REALLY DOOUBT IM GOING TO OPEN UP ANYTIME SOON!

but, I guess those are achievable goals?
with some decent counceling, maybe, but, when the councelor asked if I had ever gone to counceling, I said, yes, in Wichita, the councelor fell asleep while I was talking to her.....gee, Im that exciting huh?

One thing I know I have to get past if I am to grow where Im planted, is....
how do I learn to accept the fact Im back in the town where I never wanted to be, where I never wanted to "grow old" Where I cant seem to see any possibilities of growing an income, or,
ever becoming financially able to live, instead of just barely surviving.

oooooooooooooooooo kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.....now what?

Falling Girl

just a little fun for the day, this is how I feel my life has been!

She can be controlled by the curser try it its rather different being in control for a change!

A-A

I went to an A-A meeting with partner last night, and as the circle of people all introduced themselves, when it got to me, I said, I was glad they allowed me to come to their meetings at night because " I cant come during the day, someone in the family has to work and pay the bills"
Partner got so pissed at me. Well DUH! Is it like, he thinks he can just waltz in and out of treatments and it doesnt effect me?
As I think about it, over the past 2 years since the bbq closed, he has had lets see.....
5 or 6 jobs, and each time he has blown them off with his drinking. He has been in and out of treatments and ems emergancy trips for overdosing with pain pills they gave him at a treatment weekend detox, the list goes on and on, and he has the RIGHT to get pissed at me for saying "someone has to work and pay the bills?"
THE NERVE OF HIM!
I am definatly going to take it up with his councilor when I go next week.

Epiphany

I wish I knew how to put new fonts on here, I have seen other blogs with creative writings, and so many creative things, but, dont have a clue how to put them on.

I went to treatment center to see partner today, had to introduce myself, and, tell abit about our "crisis" that took him into treatment. I feel apart,started crying, it was very difficult to talk about all that has happened in the past few months leading up to him going.
They will most probably want him to go into a half way house after treatment, which i fully agree on, but, how the hell am I going to pay bills while he is not here and paying his way in a half way house?

I know my faith is being stretched but, my earthly eyes just cant see how this will happen?
Im already going to most probably end up with my wages garnished because of my owed debts, now this, it just gets to be WAY TOO MUCH to have to deal with! but, Im trying really hard to just let it be with God!

Something in a Bible Study I went to last night was stated which made so much sense,
in Exodus, the Isrealites were not following Moses because they believed, but because they feared Pharoah, they did not cry out in Faith, but, unbelief. The whole book doesnt show us in our own personal Egypt moment, that all things are going to go the way we want them, but, to keep us from getting disappointed in God when our expected "deliverance" does not come!
WOW...did that hit home!

Because during the week in my other Bible study, I had the epiphany God doesnt promise to pay my bills, but, promises to be there with me when I cant! Altho, he does promise to be enough!
which still blows my mind in understanding totally!

ok just so you know

Everyone seems to make money off the internet but ME, OK so I cant figure out how to do it, just figured ide get me a cool donation button....go ahead, try it out :)
save me from drowning out here on the kansas wheatfields!

more faithbuiling strategy

Well, its at an all time high, or low which ever direction you want to look at it.
Thursday was my court date, i took the 2 years of records they demanded, the lawyer they hired to "meet" me was from here in town, and, known to be a lazy sob, so, hopefully, he isnt agressive! but dont know that....
I explained why my debts, and gave him my paper work, and asked what they would most probably do, with out looking at my numbers and income, he said, most probably garnish your wages. Well.....working 5 hours a day, 5 days a week, doesnt pay my bills the way it is, let alone after they take their share, so.....hanging on to a tiny thread here....

Got home..and found the partner sitting with his sister, he hadnt gone to work GRRRRRR makes the 3 day this week, and...he was too drunk!
He was supposed to leave on Sunday for his treck to California to work with his friend out there, and, help us get out of debt! yeah right!
he is now sitting in rehab, another 10,000.00 bill coming to us after he gets out!

Plus he had quit his job, to go to california, so.....not only is he not going to california for 23.00 an hour, he quit his 10.00 an hour job, and jobs around here are TOO HARD TO FIND!!!! let alone for even 8.00 an hour!
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FAITH IS GETTING A MAJOR WORK OUT.....................

does anyone else have problems with blog?

(my blog doesnt seem to publish the whole thing anymore not sure what is going on?) this is the bottom of the "Soul" post


We visited an awesome church on Sunday, The Journey, and, it was so right on with where Im at emotionally, I wont be able to go for the next two Sundays because of commitments in other directions, but, hopefully, I can get plugged in there, with Partner leaving, I will go frickin nuts in this town alone!
I went to Bible study last night, with several women in the next town over, the yuppie snobby type of town, a town which is so "religious" and clique-ish. When I walked into the house, they seemed nice enough, the lady I had talked to at church on Sunday was there, I went and sat beside her, she didn't say a word to me. Sunday I tried to talk to her, and ask questions, get to know her, but, after small talk she walked away, and, never said another word to me.....So....going to Bible study with these people will be a challenge, but the name of the study is "Walking by Faith out of the dark" boy have I and am I there! SO I HAVE TO GO....
one of the first things I have to do is ask God to help me get past the inferior feelings I feel being in that group of women.

It doesnt help that I lived in my dream home, 2 miles from that town, 12 years ago, and was happy, living with my love of my life, my three foster kids, and, life was good.....then, we took that dreadful turn, and moved to the country, to raise EMU's, and....lost...everything...every penny, our love for each other, his drug involvement, I had to give up my foster kids, my moms accident, then, pending divorce...so much has happened in those 12 years, and, now, i have to drive past that house...every time I go to the Bible study....and...the church where we visited, happens to be the church where I got married 22 years ago!
Oh the flood of emotions that hit me that day at church I was not expecting...

Lord if I can ask for one thing, please give me strength, Im not feeling very strong right now....
it hurts so much.....


my head is pounding, my heart is racing, my soul is dying....
but...when I think of the pain Jesus went thru when he carried that cross up the hillside, then the pain of the nails going thru his flesh, and his body.... we will never know the cost of the cross....oh Jesus, my pain is nothing to compare to yours....