flushed- down-

ever have that sinking filling that all was not what it was supposed to be?

all of my life i have been guided by the Christian heritage
adopted out of mormanism

i kept my eyes on jesus, wanting so, to be with him in my walk
i evern fell in love with men with dark hair, beards, feeling it would bring me closer to a G)D so miss understood

so confused
so lost
but yet feel so much different than others who have no god

knowing im saved because thats what they have told me

"Believe upon him and have ever lasting life"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Man I love
or is it MEN....


standing up for a man i loved
who gave me the only sight of what i believe is gods heart
the lust was so strong when we first met
omg i would give anything to be with him
and i did....
family, please forgive me for leaving you...standing on the front porch the day
i drove away....

we have never spoke of that day and how it made you feel....
PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR BEING SO BLIND
I didnt see the pain it gave to you
for all i could see was the pain i felt, the hurt and sorrow un healed
my life was so lacking of hope
faith could not take hold
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ after leaving....


I knew not where my soul laid yet
and I didnt know how to love you

I never knew what I was giving up until IT was totally gone....
Please forgive me for not being available for your lives to grow

God knew I needed help with you
he gave me your wonderful dad
your faithful nanna and poppo
how did you feel about being there
did you find great joy and fun?

or was it just sitting in front of the tv
and waiting for mom to come get you....

you had experiences with dad I never experienced in my life
you have been blessed with the family i so wanted, and felt i had lost

after Grandma and Grandpa and LIsa and Kathy left
my family was gone.....Rod and Debby left us, the neuclear was gone

and now, I know Im not the nuclear anylonger

i feel as tho i have been flushed down the toilet
before even getting to sit on the thrown

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Dec 31-2011 6:21pm


and he has treated me so harshly

is it normal to want to spend the day
with the person you fell in love with 31 years ago today....
divorced in 1997, and living back together for 4 years ago today?

we have had some really difficult times over the last 31 years....

but i have stood beside him time after time
with my family turning their back on me over the last year
because i have stayed the trail with him, and he pushes me away time after time...

its like a slap in the face now after asking if we could invite some friends over
for tonight and he refused

and at 4 say's

"im going over to see some friends, Ill be back at 7"

he has yet to come home at the time he ever says some times being 2 days later

tearing my heart out time after time
always forgving what i do not ever recieve an "im sorry" for

how stupid can i be, how much love does one deserve

i think my heart just got flushed down the drain

http://youtu.be/Yl4J1fjuKdg

2012

The days are moving faster, the years have flown by
so many mistakes so few successes
life is the most challenging it has ever been at this point of my life

so alone
so secluded
the only interaction i have that isnt volitile is
those friends on FB
and they arent even people i know

its pretty depressing when my online friends know me better than
my home town friends

i have had many friends in home town
but, im the one who has to invite them out

twice in 3 years i have gotten an invite to lunch with a friend
other than with a realitive

how in the world has my world gotten so small

I have brought men into my life, whom i loved so very much
both have so many friends outside of me
and i am the one who wanted the friends

my tears are silent
my heart grows dull
love given to those i love
the old ones
the ones who knew me as a child
all of my life
i have watched from afar
as others had fun, going to parties
and being their
in the laughter
me...... off by myself watching from afar <<->>

@>->0Mg<=-<@

talking to a boy was always a big cheer
only to have another girl come
take them away

the two i ended up with
were mine, until the sex ran out

sex...over love....

what do we do for love??

10 year death.......is there life again?

ok, life has seemed to illude me,
im not sure how it happened, but loosing my buisnesses, my inlaws, my love, but the one thing that i have lost in life that i cannot live without...is passion...


without passion, there is nothing to live for....
im not suicidal, im just not knowing how to do this thing they call life.....

everyone aroundme has hard times, lots of losses, but they keep going with a smile on their face....
I have been putting on a happy face for 10 years....
and cant seem to get thru it

Blogging hasnt helped there is no feed back, but, it does help me journal my distractions in life the things i have taken interest in...nothing...my feelings
pages over pages of hurt the same pain over and over

the desire to find others who are like minded
who are hurting, and finding ways out of the muk
and puke

Alcoholics have each other

over eaters have each other

only when we find each other

an alien i am
alienated from others by my spirit
my depression
my negativity
my hurt
my pain
my desire to be accepted as i am

i dont even like who i am so why should anyone like me?

we are not #1's yet...

This Dr. Makes so much sense, I pray there are ears that hear and eyes that see

and words to be said....

He claims we have yet another 100 years before Mankind is at the point of becoming fully awakened in the new awakenings.....

give me a shout on your ideas.....

I think its enlightening and refreshing

......Im ready!!

Its a sad and happy day,
it was a closing of an erra which has been so very painful,
of loosing most everything I have ever owned, in businesses which have failed.

The sadness of it started with being told I shouldnt comment on my daughters boyfriends page, that it was creepy and I was like a stalker and weird.

This, coming 5 months after my granddaughter who is 10 crushed my heart after I sent her a text saying "Happy Thanksgiving, I miss you and hope your having a good Thanksgiving" her mom and dad had recently divorced and this was her first holiday without her mom, she had plenty of holidays without me.
I had written to her just to let her know I missed her and was thinking of her.
She wrote back, "Nana please dont text me, im spending time with my Aunt Robin, I dont get to see her very often"

perhaps, anyone else would let that roll of their back, but to me, it was extra crushing to have something so simple as a text message which could have been sent saying "thanks nana, I love you too"

Am I wrong? do grandkids not care about their grandparents anymore?
I always wanted to be my grandma's favorite but I wasnt..

The happy part, is I went out with a new friend today. I had met her a few weeks ago where I work, and we went out tonight for the first time. She is beautiful, I mean drop dead beautiful. I have not been out publicly other than with friends who have known me for over 10 years.....or male friends I had met online, which, never ended up being 2nd dates because I was not interested or they didnt ask again.... this time it was a woman...and no im not lesbian.....altho at times I think.....men have pissed me off enough to become one...

its been 13 years as a single woman, going broke with a dream which flowed down the river of lost dreams. Everytime I drive down town it is a reminder of all of my businesses I have tried and failed, it had become my rut, my excuse not to enjoy downtown activities. She went with me tonight and it was good....to forget about the past pains and hurts and have a new experience with a new friend :)

We went to a nice little cozy kitchen with a quartet of women singing, didnt have a clue what type of music, it was.....way too old for me to enjoy and forsure not her type of music either. We ate and then the music was over and we left.

Sat in her car for about an hour talking, and her daughter called her and asked when she was going to go home to which she said soon, as soon as she hung up, I told her it was ok she could drop me off at home she took me home immediatly.

This is weird, its like it was a date with a man except with a woman, not romantically involved, but to just be a friend is a good thing, one that i have not had happen in a while....in a long while, now will she call me back or do i call her back???!!!!

it is a good day even tho.....and I pray you have enough.....

eventho my kids and grandkids dont seem to need me at this time, I will survive and find there is life after 58 :)

love ya

True Grit

This picture pretty well shows how we feel about being together
something is wrong with this picture, they say a picture is worth a 1000 words
what does this one have to say.....

The Story of Jonah

This little Angle has most probably the BEST story telling skills I have EVER seen!
I would love to listen to her all day, and most probalby get more out of listening to her than all the preachers in my life.

Somehow, I just feel as tho there has been a HUGE piece of the story left out!

A new year a new beginning

such plause'
It has been three years on new years that my ex moved back in, we had not really seen each other in the 10 years we had been divorced, with him being in prison, and me being in very small town usa, trying to make my millions with my little deli and bbq buisiness. Oh how I loved living there the people were such characters, and I actually found I had a sense of humor, no one had ever laughed at anything I said until I lived there. I was someone, I had followers, I had friends who thought I was "cool" I loved it there!!!! It still brings tears to my eyes that I had to move back to this town where no one, and i MEAN NO ONE has a sense of humor! Even Momma B Uglie cannot get a smile out of them, instead the look of distain and rejection.
My first Halloween back to town and Momma came out hoping to bring some smiles, but instead ended up going to the Dr for anti depressents due to the rejection she recieved on that first day out in the public in home town usa...

back to the day my ex came back, it was Thanksgiving 2005. I had lost my business, closed it down, broken hearted and lost. My business partner was drunker than ever, and not doing well at keeping a job so I could "get my life together"
I had closed the book on our marriage and he had moved on with his life, had a child with a woman he obviously thought much of, as he was not over her yet, but she was not working to keep him or the child in her life, he came home, to me for a family dinner with my kids, his step kids whom he had helped me raise from their ages of 10 and 6, and now, they were adults with their own lives, and a granddaughter, the age of his own son....He ate dinner with us, and when it was time to leave he gave me a hug which I shall never forget, and it drew me right back into the desire I had for him 16 years earlier. OMG that lust we once had was so unbelieveable, one that just never seemed to be fed completely...

April 27, 1997 the day after signing the divorce papers there was a phone call at work, asking for a ticket to Roswell New Mexico, it was going to be very expensive and so the voice at the other end of the phone asked me if I would like to go to dinner with him instead of him going back to New Mexico. Unbelieving he meant it, I said sure, and a date we made....
That date became the marker of what I wanted in life, the man who had brought me such lust, and desire, had been replaced....
I now had someone who made me happier and more fullfilled than ever in my life.
He looked into my eyes, he gave me such desire, he completed me, I was what I wanted to be for the first time in my life, he made me feel like ME, I was completed I was a person desired for me not just sex, and he talked to me, he called me, he gave me self worth....and all in one swift swoop, he took it all away, and left me with out a good bye....left me broken and bleeding as tho I was nothing more than a deer along the road as road kill.....never in my life had I been so happy, and never in my life had I been so destroyed, my heart was broken, my spirit was dead, my life was over....
I lived from July 1997 with no soul, spirit, or heart....Moving to little town usa
to make my millions had been my savior, my heart had some healing with the people there that gave me love, and healing.
10 years of Meeting men online, hoping to find one who could take away that pain of loss, bring back those feelings of self worth, hoping to find that one person who could take the place of the one I loved with all my heart, soul, and spirit...but they were all jerks...all such assholes...nnot one was even close....to my ex...or my mr perfect who was not so perfect....

Much had happened since our last meal in 1997, when I told him it was over, I was going to sign the papers to end our marrage, my lover, husband, became my ex...
and I never looked back....until that Thanksgiving day, here he was back in my home, with my kids, grandkids and we were happy... HE stopped in once in a while to say hi, and came to check on me, and ran back to his other woman off and one, and his many friends over in the next town, where he had his other women friends....
IT became obvious that his life was still out of order, and full of chaos, his son had been lost in a custody battle to foster parents when his own parents would not step up and help him with day care, and once again his life was transgressing on a down hill spiral. IT was not December, and he was needing a place to stay, he had lost his job, had no pay coming in and no place to live.
My buisness partner was on the road to being put out of my home with his drinking being out of control once again, and I had made my line and was finally able to stand on it, tellhim he had to move out....he searched the internet for housing and found a place in the state where his son lived and checked into it, yes, they would take him as a placement, and, yes, my ex could move in....

Having two men in my home, and no sexual contact with either of them, working in a church, wow, was i ever the woman at the well with many husbands as far as the church people thought....It was not a situation I would ever suggest anyone to take on. I loved both men but not sexually, we co-existed and found it rather challenging.

Finally the date came for my business partner to leave on the plane for his son, and a new life in a homeless shelter for addicts, a program to help him clean up and hopefully regain the respect of his own self and others.
I drove him to the air port and put him on the plane, thinking I was going to go join him after a year or two, but, its been three years in March, and even tho i still have the desire to move from this town, I will never rejoin him, may never see him again which does make my heart sad, we did share some very good times together but I could NEVER live with him again...

The business partner was now gone, March 21st...and the sexual tension in the house with my ex and I had become very evident....that night, a kiss turned into much much more....but, it was unfullfilled sex, which opened doors into a relationship which was painful, and full of more hurt....
his trips over to the city, not knowing when he was going to be home, the trust issues. Wanting to please him I found myself giving into his sexual needs, only to find myself desireing more than what he was willing to give me, and found myself turned off, lockig the key to my heart away and not wanting to find it again....

A year of him being in my home, many many fights over his coming and going, he finally left. He had a job, had his own apartment, and I had my home quiet, starting to date once again, and life was starting over once again.....
My job kept me very busy, my dating kept me occupied on weekends, but life sucked more than ever, no one could take the place of the man who had left me so broken and loveless, no one could ever take his place, not even my ex whom I had loved for so many years and yearned to be his one and only. His addictions took my place, he never could love me as much as his addictions and I was always going to be 2nd place.

It was New YEars 2010 once again he found himself without a home, with no job, and needing a place to live, and, once again, I let him back in...
this time there was hummility and some form of respect that he had messed up his life, and needed me once again, and, I needed him more than I had ever realized.
We....needed each other for more than just the sex we had enjoyed in our younger years....

Now it seems fitting that our first real date was on new years eve in 1981
we have made it thru many dark times, and
2011 finally joy is in our life....we do not share a sexual bond, but possibly for the first time, we are FRIENDS!!! yes, it is going to be a good year....