For days now, nothing has come thru to put upon the space of my life.
I was helping out a cousin in his office, doing what ever I could to help out.
The shop is filled with young workers, young men and ladies, people who are just starting out in life, some married more than once but still young. Funny, laughing, throwing out insults, sacasisms at each other taking life so freely. Each having their own life, emotions and torments. The elders of the shop are the ones who have carried the weight of their own worlds for the years I have known them, going broke, loosing family members, seeing life for what it is....the weathered look is upone their faces, the knowing...the pain of life, the days that steal away our youthful freedoms. Is it just aging that takes its tole? How is it some have weathered the storm, live life to the fullest and make every opportunity count, and others such as my self, stahled, waiting for the movement of time, in the myrh and muck trying to wade thru the lifes moments hoping around each corner will be the new awakening, the new awareness, the newness of ones own maturity hoping to finally have made peace with life. What can be said, what can be thought, what can be done to make life more alive, more revealing, more loving, to live each day with love, courage, and hope, or do we just accept and wait to die......
Friday, September 16, 2005
Friday, September 09, 2005
Rising above the tide
ok, Katrina wiped New Orleans off the map as the weather reporters reported, people died, material possessions are lost, people are devistated, and, the government got caught with their hands in the cookie jar with no cookies to be found! (or shall I say, pork barrel?) Officials taking huge amounts of pay for what? leaving the poor with what? not exactly any type of self reliance or self protection, dumbing down of America is what I call it....
Now what?
Are we going to lay down and die, as I have been doing for the past year?
My life has been wiped out, financially, and emotionally, and, yet, something in me keeps wanting to go on, keep on keepin on as they say....
Black Americans, White Americans, Vietnamese Americans, They have not touched on the fact its not just BLACK America which has been damaged and devistated but all of us together. We are a nation together, "under GOD?" The spirit of freedom, the spirit of love, the spirit of unity, is and will prevail. As we have been seen in the past years of war, our soul has been stripped and left in a heap of rubble to be humbled. Will we rise to the occation?
A people with out a vision of hope dies
A people with out spirit whithers
A people with out love disapears
Cry out for the onions and leeks which one took for granted, but, hang tight, for there will be the streets of gold and land of milk and honey if one keeps a vision.
There are those who would point fingers, put into the blame game so as not to have to accept responsibility for their own actions. Bringing forth the fact that we have become a nation which cant take care of ourselves, always expecting the "government" to take care of us, expecting the miracles to come from someone else instead of from with in. The spirit of our love is being tested and making a river which flows thru the nation becoming a ocean with no shores. In the sweet bye and bye we shall meet on the shores, keeping hope alive we will see each other on another day. What has become important to us? Our material things over our loved ones, or friends? Helping one another is the only way we are going to be able to make it thru this. Other nations have reached out, it has been a way for us to humbly accept help, and, go forth.
Reporters have gotten braver, showing more of the whole story, and can we take it?
can the world take it? Have we shown enough of the vulnurable side of our suffering?
have they seen that we cant deal with crisis, but expect the world to believe we are the powerful nation expected to be strong and brave for all we have done in the past?
There are those who are fundamentalists believing every sin is punishable by consequences but, what about forgiveness and the ability to accept the gift?
Is judgement being plundered upon our land?
Is it a time for us to be on our knees asking for forgiveness for allowing our spirit to die, leaving our vulnerable children and weak with out safety, has it sparked enough of a flame to get the fire glowing, bringing back the human side in life? 911 started it, taking it to the enemy....there was an enemy so we are told, but, this time, who is the enemy? Can we blame God, ourselves, others?
I think, and I am only a mere human woman with out a face, with out a voice, except a small blog which is not read by anyone, but, we are all human, we are all accountable, we are all guilty, we are all victims, we are all powerful, we are all weak, we are all together, in a land, in a world, with no beginning, no end, but the time is now, only now which is important, not yesterday, not tomorrow, but, this moment, of how we love one another , how we do unto others as we would have done unto us......
Are we in a boat with out an oar, or, are we in a row boat rowing together, faith tells me a boat with out an oar takes you to shores not yet found, rowing together tells me a vision must come alive in more than one....does the boat have an anchor to keep us in place and a chance of sinking, or do we have the freedom to explore our options, its all in how we stay afloat and how we take the ride....
sink or rising above the tide....
Now what?
Are we going to lay down and die, as I have been doing for the past year?
My life has been wiped out, financially, and emotionally, and, yet, something in me keeps wanting to go on, keep on keepin on as they say....
Black Americans, White Americans, Vietnamese Americans, They have not touched on the fact its not just BLACK America which has been damaged and devistated but all of us together. We are a nation together, "under GOD?" The spirit of freedom, the spirit of love, the spirit of unity, is and will prevail. As we have been seen in the past years of war, our soul has been stripped and left in a heap of rubble to be humbled. Will we rise to the occation?
A people with out a vision of hope dies
A people with out spirit whithers
A people with out love disapears
Cry out for the onions and leeks which one took for granted, but, hang tight, for there will be the streets of gold and land of milk and honey if one keeps a vision.
There are those who would point fingers, put into the blame game so as not to have to accept responsibility for their own actions. Bringing forth the fact that we have become a nation which cant take care of ourselves, always expecting the "government" to take care of us, expecting the miracles to come from someone else instead of from with in. The spirit of our love is being tested and making a river which flows thru the nation becoming a ocean with no shores. In the sweet bye and bye we shall meet on the shores, keeping hope alive we will see each other on another day. What has become important to us? Our material things over our loved ones, or friends? Helping one another is the only way we are going to be able to make it thru this. Other nations have reached out, it has been a way for us to humbly accept help, and, go forth.
Reporters have gotten braver, showing more of the whole story, and can we take it?
can the world take it? Have we shown enough of the vulnurable side of our suffering?
have they seen that we cant deal with crisis, but expect the world to believe we are the powerful nation expected to be strong and brave for all we have done in the past?
There are those who are fundamentalists believing every sin is punishable by consequences but, what about forgiveness and the ability to accept the gift?
Is judgement being plundered upon our land?
Is it a time for us to be on our knees asking for forgiveness for allowing our spirit to die, leaving our vulnerable children and weak with out safety, has it sparked enough of a flame to get the fire glowing, bringing back the human side in life? 911 started it, taking it to the enemy....there was an enemy so we are told, but, this time, who is the enemy? Can we blame God, ourselves, others?
I think, and I am only a mere human woman with out a face, with out a voice, except a small blog which is not read by anyone, but, we are all human, we are all accountable, we are all guilty, we are all victims, we are all powerful, we are all weak, we are all together, in a land, in a world, with no beginning, no end, but the time is now, only now which is important, not yesterday, not tomorrow, but, this moment, of how we love one another , how we do unto others as we would have done unto us......
Are we in a boat with out an oar, or, are we in a row boat rowing together, faith tells me a boat with out an oar takes you to shores not yet found, rowing together tells me a vision must come alive in more than one....does the boat have an anchor to keep us in place and a chance of sinking, or do we have the freedom to explore our options, its all in how we stay afloat and how we take the ride....
sink or rising above the tide....
to day I had to ask for help
Today, I had to go to the hospital office and tell them I couldnt pay the hospital bill brought about by my drunk partner who decided he was usless and needed to take his whole bottle of pain pills, a 12 pack of beer and then call 911 for help!
Three days in ICU Emergency room, and ambulance bills are over $5500.00!
Another bill, and once again, I have no money to pay it with.
It just makes me sick 2 years ago when my dad died, he left me over $150,000.00 and today im penniless. All due to the sink (bbq) which had a whole in it which wouldnt stop the drain of dollars. Saying that, meaning, I just cant believe, after all the money I have inherited in my life time, I cant believe Im penniless!
I guess I am just too stupid to know how to hang on to money!
If someone would sit down and show me all of the mistakes I made, maybe I could move on, but, for the moment, I just feel so dumbfounded and stupid for loosing everything!
Ok, rant done, now, the partner....
if he would have gotten help as a child, would he be the fucked up mess he is today at age 52?
It pisses me off that he had to go thru so much abuse as a child, and no one was there for him, to help him guide him and love him. His relatives knew the family was being abused but they were afraid of the dad in the family, so, they turned the other way. How many times did he have to go to school with bruises and tell others he "fell" He was a basket ball player for crying out loud, they dont "fall" and get bruises! No teacher, no one, spoke out and helped him...
I have been told by my friends to kick him out of my home but, I CANT....
I keep believing one day he will wake up and know how much I love him and see how much I want to help him but he has to WANT to help himself too.
For now, never knowing when I get home from work if he will be sober, or what I will find at all. As in the day in July when I came home and found the 911 responders in my living room, him sitting there being so out of it he couldnt even really give them any information. Im afraid to leave him alone all day, Im afraid to go to work when he isnt working....I just never know what I will find...
NOW, I have had to ask the local hospital for help in paying the bill.
IT just pisses me off!!!!!
Why cant he learn, is he so brain damaged that he cant ever become the person I know he is inside?
Are they right? should I just tell him to leave?
Three days in ICU Emergency room, and ambulance bills are over $5500.00!
Another bill, and once again, I have no money to pay it with.
It just makes me sick 2 years ago when my dad died, he left me over $150,000.00 and today im penniless. All due to the sink (bbq) which had a whole in it which wouldnt stop the drain of dollars. Saying that, meaning, I just cant believe, after all the money I have inherited in my life time, I cant believe Im penniless!
I guess I am just too stupid to know how to hang on to money!
If someone would sit down and show me all of the mistakes I made, maybe I could move on, but, for the moment, I just feel so dumbfounded and stupid for loosing everything!
Ok, rant done, now, the partner....
if he would have gotten help as a child, would he be the fucked up mess he is today at age 52?
It pisses me off that he had to go thru so much abuse as a child, and no one was there for him, to help him guide him and love him. His relatives knew the family was being abused but they were afraid of the dad in the family, so, they turned the other way. How many times did he have to go to school with bruises and tell others he "fell" He was a basket ball player for crying out loud, they dont "fall" and get bruises! No teacher, no one, spoke out and helped him...
I have been told by my friends to kick him out of my home but, I CANT....
I keep believing one day he will wake up and know how much I love him and see how much I want to help him but he has to WANT to help himself too.
For now, never knowing when I get home from work if he will be sober, or what I will find at all. As in the day in July when I came home and found the 911 responders in my living room, him sitting there being so out of it he couldnt even really give them any information. Im afraid to leave him alone all day, Im afraid to go to work when he isnt working....I just never know what I will find...
NOW, I have had to ask the local hospital for help in paying the bill.
IT just pisses me off!!!!!
Why cant he learn, is he so brain damaged that he cant ever become the person I know he is inside?
Are they right? should I just tell him to leave?
Friday, September 02, 2005
Thankful<<>
I have been to that point Feeling there wasnt any more in my life I could handle.
Knowing the load was so heavy I just didnt want to carry it any longer, but....
some how, some grace, God or higher power, brought me thru it. I am thankful for the mercy, and grace which has been given me.
Thankful for the home I have, the ability to finally make my payments, and able to keep what utilities I have paid up. The ability to pay what other bills I have, altho, I had to let go of much of the debt because I just couldnt pay it anylonger.
That was a pride thing but such mercy, giving me a way out. Now, as I watch the tv seeing these poor people who have lost everything, and have little hope to hang on to, my heart just goes out to them. Oh what can we do....how can we help...how can we stand together?
Knowing the load was so heavy I just didnt want to carry it any longer, but....
some how, some grace, God or higher power, brought me thru it. I am thankful for the mercy, and grace which has been given me.
Thankful for the home I have, the ability to finally make my payments, and able to keep what utilities I have paid up. The ability to pay what other bills I have, altho, I had to let go of much of the debt because I just couldnt pay it anylonger.
That was a pride thing but such mercy, giving me a way out. Now, as I watch the tv seeing these poor people who have lost everything, and have little hope to hang on to, my heart just goes out to them. Oh what can we do....how can we help...how can we stand together?
being split up
Being adopted 53 years ago, I know how it feels to be seperated from brothers, sisters, momma and who ever my daddy was. As I watch the hurricane victims being taken miles away, not knowing where family members are, alive or dead, the pain of not knowing if they will ever see each other again. My heart just breaks for these people. Most of these people are Black American, who, were torn from their families 200 years ago when they were first brought to the shores of this land. Now, once again, their family is torn apart, broken and pushed to their limits. Yes, White Americans have been hit by this hurricane too but, so many more are Black.
It brings it to the point, of are we going to treat it like its OUR story, or, "thier story" something they are going to have to deal with?
This is our story, not some tsunami thousands of miles away, its on our land,our brothers and sisters, our UNITED STATES!
Its a time for us to stand united, get together as the same way they did for New York
(strange, both have NEW in their name!)
What are we going to do?
How are we going to stand up and say WE ARE HERE!
They are bringing people to Kansas, we got word today that we will be getting 20 at our facility tomorrow. As sorry as I am for their place in life, I am honored to be able to help someone during this time. It makes me wonder, how this "Christian" area is going to really welcome the stench (no showers for days) the poverty (have lost everything) the overwelming depressed (mentally exhausted) people who are going to be coming to our state.
Time will tell.
Interesting, lesson which is being brought about to our door steps. It will be up to those of us who have learned from our past, how to reach out and embrace the future, or reject it and run screaming down the streets, I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!
It brings it to the point, of are we going to treat it like its OUR story, or, "thier story" something they are going to have to deal with?
This is our story, not some tsunami thousands of miles away, its on our land,our brothers and sisters, our UNITED STATES!
Its a time for us to stand united, get together as the same way they did for New York
(strange, both have NEW in their name!)
What are we going to do?
How are we going to stand up and say WE ARE HERE!
They are bringing people to Kansas, we got word today that we will be getting 20 at our facility tomorrow. As sorry as I am for their place in life, I am honored to be able to help someone during this time. It makes me wonder, how this "Christian" area is going to really welcome the stench (no showers for days) the poverty (have lost everything) the overwelming depressed (mentally exhausted) people who are going to be coming to our state.
Time will tell.
Interesting, lesson which is being brought about to our door steps. It will be up to those of us who have learned from our past, how to reach out and embrace the future, or reject it and run screaming down the streets, I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!
Thursday, September 01, 2005
it has begun
Yes this is the worst disaster ever seen by most Americans, but, not the worst in the world.
History has shown, Volcano's (Pompei) Earthquakes (Mexico City)
Hurricane's (Galveston Texas 1900))
http://www.randomhouse.com/features/isaacsstorm/
OK, so New Orlean's has been wiped off the map, why were they not prepared?
Why did they not have emergency action in place?
This is AMERICA!
We are supposed to be the ones in control, and we have police who are walking off the job because they are too chicken to stand up to the bad guys?
They go after these guys in drug raids daily, but now that its day light and they are not the ones walking into the houses in control, they dont know how to stand up to the enemy?
This is rediculous!
and our guys are over in IRAQ where the "TERRORISTS" are fighting to get us out of their country, and we are in "CONTROL?"
I think this is just a pre "course" in survival and the good people of the USA better get used to it. with the way things have been going over the past 30 years, or so people have had it too good and most of us have never seen real disaster.
I lived thru the flood here in hometown, it wiped out everything in our home but at least the house was re-usable.
These people will not have homes to go back to.
The anarchy is hard to understand but the frustration on their part is really understandable.
Which leaves me to ask,
When we do finally see it, will we be strong enough to walk thru it?
Or cave to the winds?
This past year has been hell for me and I surely dont look forward to walking thru anything worse. BUT...I have to know if Im strong enough!
What is the option?
people say, hang in there....well...shit...thats all I have done for 30 years...
hang in there, Im pretty tired of just hanging in there, but what more can I do?
A friend of mine once said "when God takes you to the end of the rope, he will always give you another knot to hang on to"
Some days I just get tired of hanging on to knots would like a little more than that!
BUT SO THANK FULL tonight, for everything I have, because so many have so much less.
History has shown, Volcano's (Pompei) Earthquakes (Mexico City)
Hurricane's (Galveston Texas 1900))
http://www.randomhouse.com/features/isaacsstorm/
OK, so New Orlean's has been wiped off the map, why were they not prepared?
Why did they not have emergency action in place?
This is AMERICA!
We are supposed to be the ones in control, and we have police who are walking off the job because they are too chicken to stand up to the bad guys?
They go after these guys in drug raids daily, but now that its day light and they are not the ones walking into the houses in control, they dont know how to stand up to the enemy?
This is rediculous!
and our guys are over in IRAQ where the "TERRORISTS" are fighting to get us out of their country, and we are in "CONTROL?"
I think this is just a pre "course" in survival and the good people of the USA better get used to it. with the way things have been going over the past 30 years, or so people have had it too good and most of us have never seen real disaster.
I lived thru the flood here in hometown, it wiped out everything in our home but at least the house was re-usable.
These people will not have homes to go back to.
The anarchy is hard to understand but the frustration on their part is really understandable.
Which leaves me to ask,
When we do finally see it, will we be strong enough to walk thru it?
Or cave to the winds?
This past year has been hell for me and I surely dont look forward to walking thru anything worse. BUT...I have to know if Im strong enough!
What is the option?
people say, hang in there....well...shit...thats all I have done for 30 years...
hang in there, Im pretty tired of just hanging in there, but what more can I do?
A friend of mine once said "when God takes you to the end of the rope, he will always give you another knot to hang on to"
Some days I just get tired of hanging on to knots would like a little more than that!
BUT SO THANK FULL tonight, for everything I have, because so many have so much less.
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