something weird

I have been having the weirdest dreams lately, perhaps is only because im rested enough to actually wake up and remember them, or, before I was way too tired to dream??????
Last night was the most incredable one in which my inlaws came to me, which have been dead since 1978, my mother inlaw whom I loved very much, came to me, and hugged me, "I told her thru tears, Oh I have missed you so very much,"and she said," and I have missed you too"
I could see my father inlaw stading to the side, and, earlier I had my sister inlaw in a dream in which I asked her to sell my book, with her mothers german mennonite name, and I was going to set up down the street and try to sell the same book with my dads german name, it was a race to see who could sell the most books!
Then, I saw us all at Harper in the dining room this is where my mother inlaw came in and hugged me.
Since 1978, I have only seen her once in my dreams it was fleeting, this one was so real, I could feel her, I cried I was so happy to see them, I turned to hug Kathy, and, I woke up.
I was sad because I didnt get to see Lisa, why did I have this dream?
It just seems so bizzarre to me since I have not even thought of them for weeks.
My dreams are never very clear, and I very seldom remember them when I wake up, nor, do I recognize faces.

It just makes me wonder what it all means.
We both got jobs today, nothing at all what we had hoped for, I didnt waant to go back into food service, but, it was my first application I put out, and, got hired on the spot, she is going to work us into management asap. Guess she was desperate!
We are still going to hold out for the big job Rob is trying to get, but, wont know till after Christmas.
Nothing other than that, still trying to reinvent myself, but, damned hard to do on my own, especially when I have to fight depression.
I wish I could get on one of those shows like starting over, or, Dr Phil Or Oprah.
my life sux big time.
BUT, if you look at all I have done, most people envy me!
If they only knew how much of a slug I am, no life out side, and, no excitement, no love life, no social life, just moving alot.
How do people make thier life work, make money, have social lives, and happy homes?
Do I want too much?
such is life,
merry Christmas, in what ever way we can find it.
:)

where do we go from here?

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH THE REST OF OUR LIVES?????

I have been watching Starting Over only the past two days, sure wish I could go on that show, let them beat me into a new person!!!

What is it that is holding us back from doing what we want to do?

What is it that is holding us back from succeeding?

How do we get from there to here and from here to there?

You have had goals, I have had goals, both of us seem to have feelings of failure, in who's eyes?

in our own eyes?

in others eyes?

What do we need to do to get past the point of dissatisfaction in our everyday life?

I guess Im here in Florida to make me totally stripped of everything I have held as a "goal" in life, only knowing what I had in front of me as "successfull" people, wanting a life that I saw them living and wanting to have that lifestyle in front of me.

Now, I am here where people have little life left, short in years, and, what are they doing with their life?

sitting at home watching tv??? seems like it

shopping in low scale franchise stores like, Dollor General.....seems like it...

Working part time jobs to suppliment their small retirements which they either didnt prepare wisely for, or, life just dealt them a shorter version of success than what they had hoped for.

none the less....it SUCKS being here...and, I KNOW<>

Im angry, at the Mall, I feel they stripped me of my "nest egg"

Im angry at myself, for allowing them to do it to me, not standing up to them a year ago when I was asking out of my lease and they didnt respond.

Im angry at the Newton people for not supporting my business as much as I felt they would.

and Im angry at my employees for letting me down, feeling I was a good boss to them, but, they couldnt find it in themselves to do things to help boost our business, like asking friends to come eat there, doing things like being "extra" to the customers...

There is nothign this anger can do but distroy me from inside, so, my work is to let go of it...

but, what do I do with it?

My Christian up bringing says, {pray, give it to God)

THEN WHAT!!!!

move on....to WHERE?

I read stories of people who were on the last leg of finances, of, hope, of, deperation, and, boom, out of the blue something comes out of the sky and points them in the right direction....

am, I being so naive that would ever happen to me?

I dont want to be the woman who gives up all hope and just accepts life as it is meant to be....working in Dollar General as a sales clerk, but, looks like that is what it is going to end up being.

Im ready to head back to Kansas, if I accept employment in Florida, I have to get a florida drivers license, which means, I dont have all the paper work to get one. All my papers are back at Newton in safety box, or......who knows where!

BUT<>

On Starting Over today, the girl who is 27, and basically, in same shoes as me, except younger, was put into a cage, and left with "keys" she had to write on each key, why she ended up in cage, and, a way, action, to get out....she was there ALL DAY, finally ended up screaming and crying, and begging to get out, the leader told her she was a spoiled brat!!! (OUCH)

The finaly piece of the key was to go back and make ammends to all who she had hurt, and put into ridicule once she accepted that, the leader put her out on probation, with her terms being she had to list 9 people whom she had to make ammends to.....

Im sure I have probably hurt people, but, for the life of me, if I have not asked for forgiveness already, they are not in my mind of who they might be....so, not sure that was my missing key....but, HOW do I find out?

lacking of vision and purpose

i just lack vision in my life, never really having a purpose. my passion went into the bbq, and, now, i feel totally with out passion, or vision. I know, we are to keep our eyes upon jesus, but, when i havent even really seen Jesus, it is hard to keep my eyes on someone I dont relaly know. i only know him thru what i have learned in church, reading, and knowing people like you, and dreiers, I have my own believes, but, they are so far off from anything I have been taught. Sometimes i just feel as tho im a total alien. If i were to really say what is in my heart and my thoughts, you nor anyone else would have anything to do with me. you have listened to my weird wayout ideas, and been so kind...but sometimes, i just feel so totally out there. maybe i need some drug, anti depressent, or something to keep my feet on ground...haha i know i came to florida for a reason, and, im BOUND AND DETERMINDED TO FIGURE OUT WHY!!! cuz this place really SUX! even more than NEWTON if that is beleivable, but, .....at least it has made me appreciate Newton! for its weirdness....it is far better than this place! Just have not figured out how to make a living....nothing appeals to me, and, being my own boss just doesnt work.... working a dead end job taking money from customers all day seems to be about the only thing around here that will hire me, so, i guess if im going to be a zombie, i need an easy way of just standing there taking money all day.... ARGH! boy am i doing a good job or what! just my ranting....
Some nights are better than others, just depends on the frame of mind im in, the spirit of things.....there, that seems to be the whole matter of fact in anyones life, which spirit is their ruler?
Who rules who?
Religion, I ran from a deeply religious area, hoping to be away from the influence.
The influence of what?
their prejudices, their insecurities, their need to control what they dont understand?
now, being in a land of .....on the highway, life seems normal, like mosst of the united states , but the interior of this state is ruled by the gun, by desires of keeping their own laws, and doing their own thing, but, what is their own thing?