those who join me in my head--hello---is anyone there?

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

is it real or just a dream?

Have the days of the end been piling up on us while we were all sleeping?
Being slaves to the almighty dollar, is it all coming to an abrupt end only to have us wake up in hell? I mean, everyone is so busy trying to stay afloat, but, not really knowing what is going on in our own world, is this a wake up call?
8 months ago I was living in Florida lying on the couch watching scenes of the tsunami while, now, being back in Kansas, laying on the couch watching scenes of America's tsunami, the devistation is horrible, sickening, and beyond belief! Knowing something like this was going to happen sooner or later but it has happened, now what? How will the states respond, how will the world respond?
I wish I were free to just go, be there, help where ever I could. But, I have bills to pay too...and with my health, I would end up being one taken off to the disposal pile, not knowing what to do with the ill, sick, elderly, weakened persons who are suffering. My heart goes out to them, every one of them, rich, poor, young, old, they are all suffering. WAtching them walk thru the water, in an daze not knowing where to go, where they will have some safety, some place to lay their head at night, and maybe a warm meal to eat, and clean water to drink, let alone a dry set of clothes and a shower!
I cant help but think that taking them to the Houston Superdome is wrong, I know they are desperate, but, how long will they be stranded there too?
Why cant they set up tent cities on the out skirts of the area where they know as home? Oh, Im glad Im not in charge, my prayers go to those who are, and those who are suffering.

what will the next 8 months bring to us?

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

what they really know about UFO's?

The following is a synapses of a History Channel showing of UFO files and the Presidents showing last night, 8-22-05. If I dissapear...they came and got me! haha
IT made alot more sense watching the show, I am not fast enough typer to catch word for word, but, it gives the jest of things.

What do the Presidents know about UFO info?

How many times has United States defended its self from UFO's?

UFO's and the White House

Roosevelt 1946
First known time "unidentified flying object" was seen as a threat
then, ignored
Feb, 25, 1942,
3000 miles away, West Coast is aproached by an enemy,
un- identified enemy..
Alarms were sounded, alerts put out, troups went to their tasks and assigned positions.

Troups fired 2000 rounds, no one knows where or what the enemy was.
Officers say nothing was there, civilians say there was.
nearly an hour shooting went on, the next morning, dead shells were found, media asked for answers but military gave false explanations that it was Japan submarines ...

No bombs were dropped, if Japs would have come all that way, surely they would have dropped some bombs, or, some other military acknowledgment would have taken place?

It did not rate high up on the ranks of concerns with Roosevelt, and topic was dropped.

Truman....
1947
informed about Roswell...First President to deal with UFO subject
President was being briefed, by Robert Landry.
Personal pilot.
Was told to report to President orally up to every three months.
No records, nothing in files.
1952, something happened which was difficult to ignore
July of 1952, UFO's were sited over the capital.
It was such a big thing, the press made it a front page thing!
Truman took it on head on.
Press conference,
"We discussed it, but were never able to make concrete reports, always things like this going on, but nothing is every proven"


Eisenhower
had his UFO moment on a ship
"I better go look into this" but then the guys on the ship never heard anything more about it.
"We must Never placate " (didnt catch the rest of his sentence)
During his presidency, UFO topic was becoming more restricted, Chief of staff,
something about if there is something out there from Mars, I dont think we have naything to worry about...or, something like that...
I missed it....(damn)

Kennedy
reported seeing something over his sail boat
He said, "lets not tell anyone about this"
His knowledge is hard to guage, reason to believe there was a lot of info, he was worried about a war,
Cuban missile crisis, well aware that if saucers are real, they might be a reason a war is started by mistake...
He did share letters with Darrell Ford in military
he had an interest in UFO's
Researchers believe Political differences cause some presidents to be kept from the whole truth

Johnson1969
Such force, any battle ever imagined by man.....
Received a letter from someone about UFOs, Johnson wrote back and told him to go to NASA for answers, which seemed to be a strange answer, why not the military?

1965, Keckburg landing (crash sight)
Researcher looked into who was involved, and who was notified...
Nasa was identified as being there, Military was there, object was moved away, and that was the end of the "reports"
Johnson library
Johnson was at the Ranch the next morning, all the "right people" were brought in the next morning.
Something important happened around the president the next morning after the crash...

NIXON
huge UFO book collection, believed to have gotten briefings
UFOS PAST FUTURE (I think this was a book published during that time, I missed the significance of this book)
Many government people where to release data,
Bob Holloman, ended up chief of staff under nixon,
Landing at Holloman airport, all documents were sent to Norton,
when researcher went to ask about the incident he was told...all reports were to be buried under other papers...he was given interview with George Wienbrenner pulled out book all about UFO's, no other information was followed up on in documentary, it jumped to Ford...strange huh?


Ford 1977
as service to his constituents, he made a lot of strong statements telling the government he wanted investigation on UFOS

Made it in his campaign he was going to open the files...but..
advisors, Dick Cheney, GWB SR, and Donald Rumsfeld advised him he didn't need to know about them...
During his public career he made many requests to know more
but was never given info


Carter 1981

Carter was first president to admit seeing an UFO, he even signed papers stating he had a siting.
Oct 1969, Leary Georgia he was on his way to speak at a Lions club meeting, had the sighting and went on record.
He has never waffled about it, He always states he can identify with others who have had sightings.
"a light very unique, about 20 of us saw it...
circular, luminous 1000 yards away....and then flew away".

The researcher feels Carter to be as honest a man ever to be found. It seems to set a bit of legacy to have a mile stone to prove the government does know more than what they are letting on. In stead of denying Carter admits

Carter made campaign promises to find out as much about UFO's as possible, he received 9000 letters asking him to complete his campaign promises, he couldn't answer them himself. Some researchers believe there were reasons he could not fulfill his promises
Advisor G Bush Sr tells Carter"you dont need to know, it is a need to know basis sir, we will keep all curiosity seekers out of the range of knowing"
Carter released as much as they would allow him to release...
over half of the reports were released under carters presidency

Reagan 1989
has 2 sightings

"Act today to preserve tomorrow,
no understanding, we will begin to react..."

1st sighting, reported by Lucille Ball who was having a party, Reagans got there late, because as they were driving down the coast, they had a sighting, and were all excited about it when they got to the party

2nd sighting, As he is flying in his Governor plain, they have something come to his plain, they chased it but never knew what it was

"Prevailing saucer in the sky, proverbial Washington wisdom"
this was part of a speech given...

Reagan had a fantasy world in which the world would come together, as gifted by UFO's. A fantasy of the president that his speech writers took out all fantasy talk, no ufo mentions. When he read what they had written for him he was unhappy with all of the anti Soviet talk, and wanted his creatures and ufo talk put back in. In a speech 1987, Reagan stated "Our differences would vanish if we were facing an alien threat world wide" but, arent we already under an alien threat?"

G H Bush SR 1993
Researchers believe GHB has all the knowledge, he has been advisor to more presidents who would have had briefings and he has been trusted by more agencies
Chief of CIA
Advisor to Ford
If he does have the info, he will probably go to grave before it is released
little evidence can lead researchers to Bush thru ufo's
no public documents linking him to ufo's
researchers believe he knows alot about ufo's, because he has been surrounded by the men who have been advisors to other presidents.
so many documents are blacked out
Dick Cheney, and Rumsfield, Bush, all know what is going on in the secret world
oil, money, behind the scenes, but it is believed that Bush knows what is going on

Clinton
Clinton is the royal flush, he has always been into UFO's big time,
gold mine for researchers, he has done more to open up disclosure, but, they (insiders to info) didnt let him in...
he wants to know, but, they have not given him the info.
When speaking about the changes in Social Security funds he
made the statement "probably see an UFO before you will see social security" 8 times

When putting together his speech for , Befast Irland, he inserts a blip about a letter written by "Ryan" stating "Ryan, if you are in the crowd, this is my answer to your letter"
"if US Airforce did recover bodies from roswell, they didnt tell me about it either, but, if they did, I want to know too!"

G W Bush 1999-

some researchers GWB has reconstituted his fathers staff to remain with the right connections on people in the know
Bush and Cheney are the ones who know the most,
2001, researcher Cameron, cornered Cheney
"have you seen a UFO" Chaney " who cares? "
"in any government jobs have you been briefed about ufo's?" cameron...to chaney....
"if i have been, it would be classified and i wouldnt be talking about it..." chaney was his reply. reading between the lines, he knows but isnt going to say a word.

Disclosure would be a night mare, cant just do a little disclosure, which leaves alot of ground to conspiracy theorists
these agencies go back in time for ever, it has to be the easiest way to behave. In their belief. But the researchers believe
ordinary people have the right to know the truth
government by the people, for the people

huge part of our history which has been denied for over 60 years

UFO's are still seen as a threat to the white house and president
april 27, 2005, ufo sighted over white house
all jumped into action, to clear the area
cheney and bush were rushed into the bunkers, then it was stated to be nothing more than a blip on radar.....just as in 1942 same thing happened just as then, it was reported as "just a blip on the radar screen" and it was over....

Sunday, August 21, 2005

I dont understand!!!


How to put cute little things on this blog!!! ARGH, im getting FRUSTRATED!

Live and Dance

"Life may not be the party we had hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance"
I have this in a nice glittery little poster type thing but cant figure out how to post it on here....how do they make their blogs so fancy?

Who do we dance with when we are alone?

That is beside the point, my question is, what good is life if it is lived alone?
Who do we dance with?

To be the only person with a different opinion sux. Living in a mostly republican town makes me want to puke! Closed mindedness no one has an opinion which isn't "RIGHT" and no one wants to listen to anything other than their side of the view has to offer....which SUX!
(I cant call it a village because it has no resemblance of a village other than lots of churches and if one belongs to them, they have a better chance of surviving, but, to become a real member of their society one must give up their own self....) the cost is so costly, to become like them (JESUS) ...what does that mean? self righteous, judgement, and rejecting. Jesus wasnt like that or was he?....why are they?

I have been to plenty of them and know how I have been treated and Im just really tired of it. I guess maybe Im being self serving, and self righteous in my own way but, I want to be like Jesus, not like THEM...
I want to believe what I believe are my own thoughts and things put into my mind thru God and no one else, and that my knowledge received has been given to me only by Him.
When I speak truth and they cannot receive it, I try to know it is not me that they are rejecting, only that they have such closed minds they cannot see truth any longer.

Not that I know it all, and I never want to be like that, but, I don't want to be brain washed by what others seem to think is only right and no other way can be seen.

I have always felt like a square peg in a round whole and I guess that is what it has come down to. I don't find people to be friends with in this town because Im a free thinker, someone who can actually think for myself, and, refuse to become like "everyone else" So, if they don't want me around, fine, I will stay to myself, which is what I have done...for several years but, now more than ever.

My rejection this past year by the church just puts the nail in the coffin and Im done.
Unless they come forth and call upon me, I am done with them, I have reached out plenty, and Im not going to continue to try.

Its pretty obvious when, I was in the bar scene 20 some years ago and I can go to a store and see someone from the bar, they are glad to see me, and ask how im doing etc....but, when I see someone from churches I have gone to, they dont remember me, or, turn their backs....interesting fact huh?

My "best friend" of over 20 years, has turned her back on me, it took 20+ years and total honesty on my part to finaly trust her and open up and give her my total life. Suddenly she became "ill" and cant have a relationship anylonger.....
pretty obvious....IM SICK OF "CHRISTIANS" HIDING BEHIND GOD!!!

This war in Iraq should be pretty obvious....
they...are on their knees 5 times a day, praying their hearts out to their GOD...
how well do we know our GOD?

as long as there is power there will be wars

It doesnt take long in a relationship to see that power is a game.
One that is either built upon, or, destroyed by warfare.

If we do not learn by the past, where are we headed?
Is it any coincidence that the Nuclear bomb exploded in Japan and world wide notification( real life news clips) were held back until now? Has there been enough time in the years between then and now, enough desensitizing to make it ok to use Nuclear weapons again?

Where did we go wrong? Why is the United States sitting at hells gates once again? It took us 30+ years to finally start to feel secure and less threatened by the other world powers and now, we are on our knees again, begging for alliances, begging for support, and begging for Gods speed.
I as a child of the 50's remembers well the fear of knowing I lived with in 35 miles of a prime bombing site, knowing that in an instant life could be over due to a bomb being dumped on Wichita. Knowing that I had no defense other than my relationship with God. Knowing that he would be my only salvation. Knowing that all things work for good in those who believe in the Lord.
I cannot seem to get past the thought that we are WRONG in being in Iraq. What makes the US believe we can go over there and change what their way of life which has been a way of life for thousands of years!
With all of the wars thru out all of the millennium have not made a better world, in fact, we are in such bad condition, ecology, economy, and, the whole personal emotional stress level. There isnt a person I know who isnt under alot of stress, except those who put all behind them and show a smiling face when they speak of the Lord....but...when you get down to it, they have such stresses too....are they really happier than others?
I always felt I had the faith it spoke of in the Bible, but, I sure have not been able to find any "joy" in the Lord, or, Life...

Friday, August 19, 2005

not a lot to say, how about crop circles?

Life has been pretty mundane, not many funds coming in, job not producing hours, and, not sure if I will be able to keep the internet, which is scarey. This has been my only real life for 9 years, looking back, its been the hole time my life has turned to hell! Was it the internet that took me down the road to hell?
Will have to research that question more, but for right now, I have my sites on a documentary about Crop Circles today so will try to write a bit about them.

I wish there were some in Kansas, it looks like a good thing to get hooked on, research and all, so many factors in them and not really getting the attention that they are coming forth for!

The first recorded crop circle was back in 1794 or something like that, a farmer and his crop cutter had words because he didnt want to pay the cutters price. So he says'"well then let the devil cut my crop" the next mornig it was cut in a way no crop had ever been cut before, the first document of a crop circle.

Only a scattered mention of them after that for nearly 200 years later.
Air travel brought the ability to see the secrets of the country sides bringing them totally exposed.

For the first time scientist see unexplanable factors in what happens to the stems, and the fact that all seeds are gone.

Colin Andrews in a well known researcher, and author of books. Was invited to speak with Margaret Thatcher to do the research. Prince Charles finds some circles on his land. Then an invite with Diana & Charles in 1990. Right away Before he could meet with them, it was shut up, and all quests to speak with them were shut down.
All at once, two men mysteriously showed up with their great "hoax" Doug and Dave.
Ok, so, they believed it was a man made mystery. or...are they?
Very large gaps in their stories.
Geography, 1978-1990 a world wide reporting....how could those two men do them all?
The scientifically measured differences in the plant shafts.
The 1991 scandle devistates the cropping society.
Historians set out to build their case. Finding crop circles before 1978.
A report from Minnesota seems to clench the hunt.
It was not the circle but the fact his cow had been mutilated. As the research started on what had happened to the cow, they found 47 circles in ONE field in the 70's! before Dough and Dave supposedly started making them!

With the research, the story has gone full circle.
August 2000, Colin reports a shocker.
He has caught with film, showing men making the circles. He agrees, 80% are man made, but the others are still not explained.
so....what are they telling us?
Sure strange how all of these documentary shows always have lots of questions, very few answers!


Theories of nature votexes, microwaves, oh so many thoughts.
Oh wow even the viagra effect!

Friday, August 05, 2005

counter

poker chip sets
clay poker chips set


this is NOT where the COUNTER IS SUPPOSED TO BE! Can ANYONE TELL ME HOW TO PUT IT TO THE SIDE??????

enough already!

Enough is enough!!!!

How do I get him out of my life?
Do i put his crap on the porch and tell him to hit the streets?

I love him, I care about him, but, I cant deal with his problems and my own, where do I come in at?

I left two good husbands, but, had doors open to leave.
now, I own this house, I have too much invested to walk away, and it is all i will ever have in life.
He has NOTHING.
He put sweat equity into our business which took me down debts door, now, how do I just kick him out...

Im so confused.
My best friend wont talk to me anymore because I cant just tell him to get out.
She knows the pain Im going thru, but, doesnt want to hear it anymore.
I have no one else to talk to, I was alone before, now its even more

Im just so tired of the pain.

just so tired, I want to just go to sleep and wake up from this nightmare.....but, it never happens, when I wake up, its always a new day with more shit....

knight on white horse

yeah right!

He came into my life about 6 years ago. He moved into my life almost 5 years ago.
He said he wanted to make me a millionaire.....
yeah right, all he has done is take me down to the gutter with him....

Tonight he overdosed with the pain pills the dr at the mental hospital gave him for his back.
Now, we have another bill, EMS< ER< ICU< and all the other bullshit that the hospital will bill him for.
not to mention the 2100.00 the mental hospital canned him for 2 1/2 days stay.

I dont know what is going on, other than the fact, he is 52, almost 53, cant get clean and sober, and, cant hold down a job. He finally landed a good job, it dont pay shit, 7.00 an hour, but, at least it was a job.
It wasnt stressfull, it was inside a/c, and, no heavy work....and, he has worked one week...and fucked up the rest of this week with admitting himself into mental hospital, now, the over dose.

I JUST WANT THE INSANITY TO LEAVE!!!!
I keep saying I wont say it cant get any worse, because IT DOES!!!!

What in the hell is going on!

I believed in him, I am the one who hasnt kicked him out, everyone else has given up on him, he has given up on himself.... I cant ....I dont know why.....but, I see the good in him....
even tho my two best friends have given up on me because I havent kicked him out....
now, i have NO ONE....
SUICIDE......seems to be his only option, or so he seems to think.....
He has been thru rehab, detox, scientology, church, he cant get free.....
what is this prison he is in, and why cant he break free of it....

Our BBQ was our baby, he and I both had all of our hopes and dreams set into it, it took us down the path to debt, and now, almost totally whipped....
I cant even get enough hours to support us, we have only been scaping by with pieces here and there....
now...this....
I dont know how much more I can take, and no one cares....
no one is here, again, I am so alone....

Where do I turn, what do I do...
I dont even think God remembers Im here....

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

please stop the insanity!

When I was a little kid, my daddy was my hero, he could make everything ok again.....or....could he....
I looked up to him like he was John Wayne, until, I was about 12, then, he was no longer my hero, and, he was just a man.
How sad. I dont know what happened to close my eyes to him as my hero, but, something was lost, something was over between him and me. Maybe it was the fact I was growing to be more of an adult, and he no longer knew how to relate to me.
He had a 6th grade education, and, I had moved on.
Now, my mom is dead, my dad is dead, my grandparents are dead, all of my aunts and uncles are dead, or close to it, my cousins no longer have anything to do with me, after all I was adopted, they only put up with me because i was my "parents" child....We have not kept in touch over the years much, other than funerals, and, going thru family "stuff" which was the most painfull experience, having the auction of my dads family belongings. I felt as tho they only came to get what they wanted, and I havent seen them since.
Now, my life is in such shambles, and I have no heros.
I just want the pain to go away, I just want the insanity to quit. The is no one to come to my rescue.
My faith has always kept me afloat, but, I feel as tho I am sinking fast, and nothing there to suspend me.
I have to look at the fact partner turned himself into a treatment center, on his own, but, now.....no job....no paycheck....no money coming in, now what....he finally landed a full time job, worked a week, and now....what!

My boss cut back my hours to one day for the next pay period, I cant come close to surviving on one day.
I have already had to let all my credit cards lapse, and not get paid, and, my credit is totally ruined.
I have applied all over town for full time jobs but there isnt anyone who will hire me. With 30 years of experiences, none of which are good enough to land a decent job.
I am so alone.....
where do I turn....
why do my prayers go unanswered....
Im so FUCKING SCARED!!!!!!!
Today is my granddaughters 5th birthday, I will do the day on credit cards, and try to have a smile, but, im so tired of hiding behind false smiles....
I just want to climb up into someones lap and have them tell me things will be ok.....
but, they never are.....
I am so screwed....
and, I didnt even get to enjoy it........

Monday, August 01, 2005

another job down the tubes

He got drunk yesterday, I dont know why I cant go to work, and have him sober when I get home.
We ended up having another night filled with his bullshit, and his nasty remarks. I quit talking to him, refused to respond, and just ignored him. About an hour after being totally silent, he got up and went to bed saying, since no one will talk to him, he guessed he would just go to bed. Like that was going to break my heart!
Im so sick of this shit, but I dont know how I will survive with out him. Altho, so far, he hasnt had a full time job since sept for more than a couple of weeks at a time.
If he were gone, would the damn break and a new full time job for me come into my life?
Would a new man come into my life?
It surely couldnt be any worse, but then, I cant say that, cuz for 10 years I have said things cant get worse, and they do.
Nothing has gone right since 1997.
I called his phone after I got off work tonight, for some reason I had a feeling he didnt go to work today....he was supposed to be there from 1-9pm. He answered his phone, which, he normally leaves it at home when he is working. HE said he was at work, but He was having a sneezing fit, and I didnt want to listen to that, so I told him I would talk to him when he got home from "work" I got home, his phone was on the table, and his work keys were on the buffet. I took his keys, and phone, and went to see if his truck was at work, it wasnt. He wasnt at the bar, nor at the homeless shelter. I dont know where he is, and, now Im worried. Afraid he is out driving around drunk somewhere.
He knows the consequenses, and, I dont want to go thru dui bullshit anymore.
Im just so sick of his bullshit.
Im ready for a real man and a lover in my life, instead of living like a sister, and a verbal abusive target of his abuses.
I had hopes of him sticking with this job, and getting into the management of the company, and moving away from here, but, I should have known that was a fantasy that he couldnt fullfill.
He is a looser, I have been told that over and over and I have stood up for him, over and over, but.....
I think I finally have to face it, and do something about it....

now....what?
How do I pull all my shit out of the house and have a sale, and move on...i cant live in this town alone, and I wont live here any longer than I have to....
ONCE AGAIN<>>>> HELP ME!!!!

but there is no one to hear....
im so fucking alone....
and i have no place to turn....