GG Experiment

GG Experiment

It seems I have been having full circle moments lately. Time to be born again, restarting, time of excitement. I put full circle into my search tool on my computer and wala, up came this great blog which had this great little video....hope you enjoy it as much as I did, and, I signed up for the 42 day experiment , but so far have not been able to get my address to take on the site. House mate signed up and got on right away, so, maybe they dont like me?
When I saw the video, I said, WOW, I GET IT...he didnt get it, and gets signed on to the experiment...now..I dont get it! haha
anyway, check it out, its GREAT.
The past century for me has been painfull, Im looking for good now....Im ready to START OVER....
Happy New YEAR..2006

Christmas Day

The day is over, it was good, even tho my son was not here.
He stayed in Colorado, his g/f's dad was there from minnesota, and, they invited us but I cant drive that far and go to work the next day which is what would have happened. So, maybe in a few months daughter and I will make the trip, altho, if I get the new job, I will not have time off for quite a while.

The EX came to see daughter, hubby, and granddaughter, he had not met her since he has been gone for 4 years. It is always so good to see him, he gave his big hugs to everyone which really feels good, making me feel as tho he did appreciate the family I tried to share with him when we were married. He just didnt know how to accept it, or appreciate it then. Some days I feel as tho I just really miss him so much, funny how the past 9 years have gone by and I have not really given him much thought, it was just over....now...he is back, and it is like another re-run in my life....I dont want to push myself on him, and I have tried to show him how welcome he is to come back into my life, but, he doesnt call, or, make any effort to make contact first. I can tell he still loves me, but, maybe it is because I have a live in that he doesnt feel he should? Or...am I miss reading him?
For what ever reason he came back into my life, I just want to take the lessons and run with them...

I had a revelation this afternoon, watching The Lord of the Rings-The Return-
God gives us information to be shared with the world, but, how many times do we just squander it off, and not pass it on as we are supposed to? How many times do we just blow it off?
I know everything is coming to full circle in my life, and I WANT TO LEARN THE LESSONS!!! OR....is it re-run time to show we learned the lessons the first time?
I know I feel as tho I just blew off everything...running from all my problems, trying to find happiness, and getting away from all the pain.
Do I go to the minister of the church Im trying to get the job at, and explain my life of sin? I know if they find out im living with a man, they will most probably not hire me. BUT....THEY ARE NOT LIVING IN MY SHOES!!!! Jesus doesnt judge me with this, why should they?
in Fact I have thanked God for bringing live in partner into my life so many times. Altho I know I get far too angry at him at times when he is so drunk he is stupid....
I curse him plenty of times during those drunken states. I wish I could just not allow him to push my buttons, why do I?
He keeps at me till I do blow my mind at him....he HAS TO HAVE THE ATTENTION....
then it all becomes all about him, and he has such an ego and no one is going to be right except him. I hate him when he gets like that.
I hated EX when he got drunk too, but, I never ever felt as angry with him as I do with live in. I always forgave him, daily, and always loved him just as much or more each time we made up. I never held the grudges against him. Why am I so different with live in now? Why do I feel pissed at him, ALL THE TIME?
Even when he's not drunk, I find myself pissy, and bitchy, he asks stupid questions, and my patience with him is so short, and that is not me!
Or should I say, it wasnt me with the ex, or, am i just forgetting how bad it got?
It seems as tho the last year of marriage was a blur, I dont even really remember everything that happened, it is like I was just a visitor in my own life.
We moved from my dream home, we lost our asses trying to raise Emu's. The ex started using meth, I didnt know it, we gave up our foster children, and, I left him.
I moved away from my dad, and, I moved away from Wichita to HArper.....where I started my healing process, and lost every penny I had. Moved back to the town I have NEVER EVER WANTED TO LIVE IN, My dad died, I lost him, my inheritence in a buisniess I loved, and, felt so totally lost. I moved to Florida, and ended up coming back with my tail between my feet, feeling like such a looser.
IT was a great experience but I hated it down there. WHY? Because I didnt know how to start over, didnt know how to get a decent job, and, didnt know how to find a life down there. I had to come back, face ME, and, now...try to start over....
Totally broke, no credit because I cant afford to file bankruptcy, I have the paper work together, but, now, have nothing left to pay the attorney.
The EX came out smelling like a rose financially. I had to give up my share of the farm because his "friends" didnt pay the taxes on the property and the county was going to sell it off for the taxes, I didnt have the money to pay the taxes so, his parents said they would pay the taxes but I had to get off of the property legally. I had to sign over my half to him. NOW, they (his parents) sell it for twice as much as we bought it for.
I feel as thos it was me that caused us to loose our money, we bought and sold three houses during our marriage of 13 1/2 years each time, loosing at least 10,000.00 or more in those ventures....and he turns around and sells the one property i had an interest in financially, for 70,000 more than what we bought it for!
It pisses me off, but....funny how that amount is the amount I ended up in debt with credit cards due to the business venture, and, now he gets it for NOTHING....
I can not see any blessings thru our marrage which was not taken away from me....and he walks out of prison, and makes 70,000!!!! I loose my inheritance which was close too 200,000, plus the credit card debt, and he walks out scot free and has money....
I dont count that against him, just makes me wonder why I am being crushed so?
What is God doing to me, and what lessons is he teaching me that Im not getting?
When my revelations do finally come thru, Im going to have a WHOLE BIBLE TO WRITE! HAHA

Full Circle...25 years now...

Since I am so technologically retarded, I cant get my vcr programmed to "time" record....my old one was so easy, these new ones are the SHITS!
I called my ex to ask if he would come see if he could figure it out..
after I hung up...i realized it was 25 years ago today I called him to come fix my stereo....and...our affair started!!!!!
He had first told me he could come after he got something else done....and would call if he couldnt make it.... he called and said he couldnt make it...wonder if he remembered 25 years ago?????

I cant believe how many things are happening which are "reruns" in my life, another reason to get the FUCK OUT OF TOWN!!!

I have an interview with the church where I went, 30 years ago for secretary job....a job I wanted 30 years ago! Wonder if I have a chance?????
Will they hire a sinner like me?????

THE EX

A friend of mine gave me a new (used) computer and I had my old one to get rid of
I called my ex and asked if he wanted it, since he is just out of prison, and doesnt have anything, and, he gave me the one I was replacing. He is a techy nerd, and loves to take them apart, and fix em etc, so, figured he could at least play with it.
He came right over, after standing for about 5 minutes I asked if he wanted to sit down, figuring he would just want to pick it up and then leave.
He sat down, we started talking, I asked him if he meant it when he said he just married me because he felt sorry for me. He said, "i dont remember ever telling you that, I dont own it, because I dont remember it" He still loves me, he didnt say it, but, I could tell the way he looked at me. He asked about my living situation, since I have a house mate, and I told him it was basically the same as his dad and his woman he lived with for 24 years. She took his dad in when he was down and out, then, couldnt get rid of him....
We talked for at least 2 hours, and, when we ran out of things to say, he said, he needed to go. I thanked him for allowing me to talk, and to get things straight in my mind, that our marrage wasnt a farce, he did care for me, and, I also told him that I loved him when I left him, I just didnt know what was goign on with him and didnt know how to fix it, so I ran...
I told him I was sorry, and that I still loved him, and would always love him.

We carried the computer and all the stuff to his car, HE reached out ot me and hugged me... I started to cry, and walked away.

I still love him........sigh....

Unfinished business

question.....how the heck does a person keep lips from becoming chapped!
I have used EVERY type of lip balm this week, and my lips are sooooo chapped!!!!!



ok, now...done ranting, about lips...maybe they need a tender kiss. Its been so very long....

In my privious post, I was trying to find finis to my marrage, my ex, make it my past. Which, I had thought was done, gone, over. But, all at once, a surprise of
excitement, joy, and exuberance came along after seeing my ex for the first time in 6 years. I thought I was on the road to recovery of the past 4 years, with feeling better, emotionally, and physically. My past year has been one of the most painfull. Now, Im seeing, it has been the accumulation of the past 53 years, not being dealt with unfinished business, but, how, do I finish it since most of them are dead, or, gone out of my life?

It is now, I have to start completely over.
I have my live in partner, but, we have NO relationship, emotionally I feel nothing for him, other than, love for what he has gone thru, seeing the pain he has lived with all of these years, and knowing he is still a good person!
He is so full of pain, of past regrets, but cant face them, because he is scared.
Scared to face all the pain?
Scared to face all the emotion of others who have been hurt by him?
He was down and out when I took him in, and, of course, I was desperate, for, help with the restraunt. I didnt want to be desperate, but, they had lied to me in Harper, telling me I could find plenty of good help. WRONG!
It took me almost a year to find decent, trustworthy help. Before that, I had been
lied to, ripped off, and, barely hanging in there.
He had been sober for supposedly 4 years, and, then, we met. I believed him, I thuoght he was honest, and, felt, it would be good help for me.
Something had happened to him, he started drinking again, or, so he said.....again..had he actually quit before meeting me? OR WAS I LIED TO AGAIN?

I am so desperate for friends, and help, that I accept everyone on their word....
believing they mean what they say....
HOW FUCKING STUPID CAN I BE????????

Why can no one be trusted anymore?

Strange things

Strange feelings have been overwelming me since my ex showed up on my doorstep three weeks ago or so.
I have not been able to just sit down and think about it or figure it out.
He has been out of my life since 1997 or so, and, I had not grieved, or allowed myself the reward of actually letting go. Since I left him right after my mom's death, right after letting go of our foster children, right after moving from our farm. I thought I was starting a new life with my travel agency school behind me, new job, and living in a new town, I had the world in my hand. Right?
JD came into my life the day I signed my divorce papers. I had not allowed myself to see other men, or even want to see other men because I wanted to make sure my divorce was because of the lack of relationship with M, and not another mans affections. Backing up some, M and I had been married 13 1/2 years in which, alcoholism controlled most of our relationship. Fighting, being scared he would have a wreck while driving drunk, never knowing where he was after work, never coming home sober. But, yet, I loved him so much, and when he was sober, our sex life was GREAT. I look back now, and, dont know what was real, or, if he ever really cared for me. The words of "i felt sorry for you" keep stabbing me in my heart. Was he just trying to hurt me, did he never care for me? We had such electricity in bed, but, that cant be all there is in a relationship.
We found his dad, we remodeled two homes, we raised three foster children, we moved three times, we had a church family. We raised my two kids from 10 to 18 when they both moved out, good, mature adult children.
WE did have a relationship, didnt we?
By the time I moved out, I was numb to the rejections, the long nights him being gone, and him lying to me. By that time, I had lost my mom, my foster children, my kids had moved out, my dad was needing me more than ever, and I just wanted to run away. So much pain, so much fear, and so much denying my feelings. Move, leave, get out of the line of pain.

School was a demanding 18 months, the only good thing that came out of it was my best friend whose name is the same as mine, her last name was the same as mine at one time, and, she even had a daughter with the same name as my daughter. Hef fathers name was the same as my fatherinlaws name, and, we were instant friends!
We laughed till we cried, we studied together, and, the day she quit school, it broke my heart. It was a difficult time for me to finish school, but I made it thru.
As I started my new career, I knew I was not prepared for it, the school was basically a farce, they didnt give a true show of what the profession was all about, they showed a lack of qualified teachers, and I feel they just took our money.
It was supposed to be a possible retake of classes but, they closed the year after I graduated. Im still paying the fucking student loans! AND NOT DOing what I studied to be! Another failure in my life.

After graduation, I landed a job in a busy travel agency. The woman who hired me would have been a GREAT teacher, and we hit it off very well. Then, the owner of the shop fired her, and hired on a tiny little witch. she hated me, and made it very difficult to stay on my job. JD came into my life, swept me off my feet, and dumped me. I dont know that it was loosing JD, but, having so many losses in such a short time, i was over welmed with pain. I couldnt focus on my job, I ended up on anti depressents. I got fired, over a stupid mistake, but, she was looking for a reason to fire me anyway and took the opportunity! Sending me on the rollercoaster ride of my life.....

I had not dealt with loosing my marrage, my mom, my foster kids, now...I had to deal with one more loss.

NOW.....year 2005....here I am...dealing with the loss of my ex in my life. I had not allowed myself to miss him, to know he was gone....he was in prison with in 4 years after our divorce, I thought I would not see him for at least 12 more years.
HAving him show up on my doorstep, looking so good, and remembering what we had at one time...good and bad....now....i want to just talk to him....
but, i cant....
it hurts so bad....
to remember the rejections he gave me....i dont want to feel that again....

Trip to KC

I was ever so scared of having to go to KC and do the outside catering in the friggin cold weather.
I called upon the Lord, asked him for acceptable weather, and, capability to do the work. He honored my prayers. He along with the Railroad guys, put us in a building out of the weather, and, gave me good help who was able to do the lifting.
MY thanks go out to my father in heaven!!!!!

We made it thru with little incident, only head butting happened with the other person in charge. I didn't want to make her mad, but there are some things she does which can be done so much easier, and better but, she wont try it unless its her idea! I DISLIKE PEOPLE LIKE HER! Am I like that?
I certainly hope not!

I got home, R was drunk, I had a lot to say, so, asked if we could go out to dinner...hoping he would be capable of a decent visit. It was OK, by the time we got home all I wanted to do was get away from him again.
I guess that shows how it is going with us!

I miss my ex so much, I want to sit across the table and talk to him, but, would it be where we left off or, has he really moved on? Would we be able to find common ground? We made common ground when we were married, but, he never really fit into my life, nor me into his, but our friends from church were our common ground, our foster kids, and, our "love" for each other...
I know I haven't....moved on....
I have survived during his being gone, but, i have not lived, if there is one thing I learned during my short love affair with JD, I WAS ALIVE!!!
I had NEVER felt like that, and never hurt so badly!!

When I divorced my ex, I would not allow myself to miss him, JD came along the day I signed the divorce papers, and, he took me down the road of pain, which took the place of my dealing with my divorce.
I had thought I was "fine" with leaving M. Knowing he had rejected me so much, I just felt numb to the final rejection, of him not trying to stop the divorce.
Not carring enough to really tell me he didnt want it.....he wanted it, and, it was his way of finally getting me out of his life, now....It pains me to feel that it is over, because he never wanted me in the first place.
I just want to ask him if he EVER felt anything for me, or if he really ment it when he said the only reason he married me was because he felt sorry for me....those words still cut deep into my heart.


My gut pains me, knowing how much I loved him, and, felt the rejection of his affection to me, which I felt was because of his drinking. I don't feel rejected by R, per say, but, With R its always a struggle to find space to be ME.... We talk, and we relate when it comes to "work" but there is no us, relationship....no passion between us.

I think there was love between me and my ex, at least when we had sex, it felt like we both were making love. However,knowing also when I was with JD, I know, I made love to him, he was just a good faker at making me believe he was making love back to me...I guess I just don't really know what true love is.
For so long R and I seem to fit so well, in all ways, except the sex part, and, now, I'm begging to not be able to fit in other ways....is it because my ex is kind of back in my life?

OH CRAP.......got sentimental, and called him.....not good.....
I screwed up tonight, I called M, telling him about the meeting of the Drum Circle tomorrow. I feel it is a good place for him, it is alot of ex druggies, trying to bring 100 drums to one beat....
a sobriety circle, knowing where they have been, where they are going, something with a cause, a reason, a beat...something spiritual...
I got stupid, started crying, telling him how much I have missed him
SHIT why do I do those stupid things?

He will definitly not go to drum circle if he feels im trying to make a pass at him again....I dont want that, I just want a chance to be his friend...why cant men
understand, they CAN be friends with a woman without sex?
My 1st ex, my kids dad, would have been a GREAT FRIEND, except his friggin wife, she is so jelous of our friendship....so, I just go on missing him too.
Not being a part of a family which meant so much to me until his parents died in that horrible wreck.


As I was talking on the phone, R came into the room and had to make sure M heard him tell me to come on to bed...he NEVER asks me to come to bed...
I DONT SLEEP WITH HIM!!!!
was it his way of being jelous?

I dont want games to be played, I just want to walk in the right direction!!!!!

Deli Momma is desiring to come back out, move back to the deli, and bbq she loved so much!! BUT, not wanting to make same mistakes, and, not sure if she wants to go back down traveled roads! How about a New Adventure?

Friend from small town Kansas/Prairie Connection

feathers

A dear friend came to visit yesterday, from the little town where I first tried to be an independent business woman. She has tried so hard to save the old historic buildings in that town, to keep the history in print with her wonderful little paper. Coming back from college, learning about saving old buildings, and, seeing into the future of her town, she KNEW she had to start buying up the properties, to save them from the wrecking ball.
For what ever reason, the towns people turned against her. She was too revolutionery for them.
She threatened their being, maybe showing them their ugly inside secrets. Maybe being afraid of seeing the truth, and knowing they have lived lies, and hidden behind their lies all of those years?


She has struggled to get money together to save the buildings all while people stand back and make fun of her, throwing stones of ugliness, tearing down all she has worked for by not helping her get things done.
Yes, she has her way of wanting to do things, and when they have no say, they get pissed! As I see, it is nothing more than an ego pitty party. If they cant do it their way, they are NO way going to allow her to do it her way!

They just dont see her for what she is, a true diamond in the rough of information, love, and completeness.
She can do so much on so little. But they insist on causing problem after problem to keep her from really doing what needs to be done. OH if they could just SEE her vision for her developement, but, she has no time to put it in pictures, and a voice they can hear or see, she is always chaising after feathers that the wind blows from her to finish her projects.

Friend...I love you! And, I will help in ways I can. I am not there close to do the leg work, but, from here, I will do what I can.

The dinner went well. Conversation was pretty good, no one got mad, which is a good thing! We had a bottle of wine sitting in kitchen for whom ever wanted a bit, but it wasn't made a big deal of, and, I don't even know if daughter noticed it.
Which, seems to be her big turn off when everyone is drinking and she and hubby don't drink gets upset with everyone else having a good time. As much as I love her, she used to be so much fun, but since getting married, becoming a mom, and a working professional, she needs to CHILL OUT!!!

We looked at pictures which she said " i ha vent seen those mom" well...she hasn't had time to take a look at a lot of things over the years, just as I have been in such chaos, her life has been getting settled, education, mommy, and wife. Life just isn't fair....we spend so much effort getting "settled" that the very reason we want to be settled gets ignored, our kids, our families. What is it all about?
I can remember feeling so torn between working, kids, husband, parents, never having time to just enjoy it all.
Then its over, kids grow up, parents die, and life slows down, but..no one left to enjoy it with...kids have their own lives, parents are gone, and friends have gone other directions...now...starting over and wondering where I'm going...AGAIN.....

Son left for Colorado at 10am, called at 4 pm, stranded on the highway just over the boarder. I have not heard from them, I didn't send much food with them, and I'm hoping they have plenty of blankets and warmth in the car with them.
There are no motels where they are. Oh Lord please be with them, keep them safe and comfortable and filled with your Holy Spirit!

He and his g/f sat in the kitchen and talked with me the first afternoon, it was good to have some good bonding time, sharing some things we hadn't talked about in years. I just hope I can continue to get to know his g/f, they ha vent made the plunge into marriage, but, they are putting their life together as a couple.
They have invited everyone, her dad, brother, me and daughter, her family, and kids dad, my first ex, with his wife to Colorado for Christmas. I don't know If I would feel welcome with his wife there, she never seems to be enthusiastic about me being around. I would love to tell her "look bitch, you WOULD NOT be married to him if i hadn't divorced him, I DONT WANT HIM BACK AS A HUSBAND" Why am I a threat to her?
Then, to have sons g/f tell me that the step mom took credit for raising MY KIDS!
what a crock of SHIT!
They couldn't stand her. or, so they left me believe!

Validation

seemingly ambitious,
needed a purpose in life
didnt know where he was going
didnt have a clue how to get there
uneducated and unimportant to anyone
something extraordinary, need for validation before he died! (taken from a documentary on the Assination conspiracy, history channel )

spending second half of life being a revolutionary
decide to become political assin? (Lee Harvey Oswald)

Oswald, wanted to be important
His story could be my story, except he had a purpose, he had a story
he had a reason to live Even tho he took his interests into a backdoor way to
being noticed. Negative notoriety, but his name will be known throughout history.

His moment in time, changed the course of the nation all in one gun shot.

How many gun shots does it take to change the whole nation now when there is no goal,
no vision, no dream.
What direction are we taking, the more gun shots being shot, the more lost we seem to be going.
Going Missing.....


All I want is to be noticed, to be validated.....
is that so bad?
To know I made a difference in someones life?

Today is the day

I will be having dinner today with my kids, my ex, my live in, and mygranddaughter
for the first time in 10 years.

My first 1/3 of my life was put out to my parents, my 1st husband, my children, being married at 17, and becoming a mother at 20. I didnt have a clue to how to make a husband happy and be a fun mommy because I was trying so hard to please my parents, and give them what they wanted to see. A happy wife and mother, just like they set out for me. BUT!!! NO ONE WAS HAPPY!!!!

walking in the door, hearing my mom crying, I would walk in to the living room to see her sitting on the chair in the corner, crying. "whats wrong mommy?"
to which she would say something about a headache, and rush me out of the door to the neighbors house.
Anna and Ralph were more like my grandparents than my real grandma and grandpa.
They were the ones who took me outside and played, made mud pies, and talked to me.
I dont remember what they said, but, I always felt loved by them. I dont know if they ever told me that they loved me, but, they just seemed so happy to see me when I would get there.

I couldnt wait to see my dads truck coming down the street. I would run down to catch a ride with the other men crowded on the truck. 2 on the side rails, and two in the back of his truck. Maybe more along the way, but there they all came, barroling down that street in the Old Blue 1949 Ford....and I catching my ride home!
I can remember one time, I wanted to wear my daddy's clothes he had from his childhood. I wanted to excite him, let him see me in his clothes and maybe get excited to talk to me, but....he all he said, "yup that is what your daddy used to wear". Welp, like I knew that, I wanted to know more! I wanted to know what it was like when he was little, what he liked as a kid in school, but, all he ever said was how they worked so hard, didnt get to play much.


Maybe that is why he always let me go out to play, so I wouldnt feel like I had to work. They surely didnt make me do any work. I didnt have to clean my room, mother would yell at me and bitch at me about not cleaning, but, it didnt bother me to have a messy room, why was it a bother to her. As I look back now, how disrespectful I was! oh Mother I wish I could tell you how so sorry I am for being such a bratttt!!!
I would begrudgingly clean it, but, it was never CLEAN! I mean get rid of crap, wash down woodwork, clean out closets, etc......but yet I cleaned houses for a living! and i HATED IT< BUT IT WAS MONEY!!!!how in HELL does one make a living doing something they enjoy????????

Mother was very dependent on what other people thought of her, and her apperence was very important to her. She and her sisters just had to dress nice in public, never sloppy. I can understand why mother was disappointed in me, I didnt take an interest in how I looked, she didnt like me wearing jeans. She would MAKE ME wear a dress, even tho I would cry and moan about it, I would wear it, then, as soon as we went out to play, I was in my jeans no matter what!!!
She basically let me do what ever I wanted, I think because she was a fraid of a confrontation with me. I was a strong willed child, and she was a push over for
not saying NO and meaning it, Im sure, after seeing my granddaughter throw her temper tantrums, Im sure....I was most probably the same way!!

Because she was so into what people thought and what people expected of her.
I dont think she was happy in her marriage, and in those days, they didnt even think about a divorce. She couldnt stand to be the black sheep of the family to be the rebelious one.

BUT SHE WAS!!
She was the one who worked in a restaurant, and put on lipstick, walking down the street, her daddy saw her and came up and washed her face right their on main street.
She was so humiliated but never wore it again until she got married. Mother ....
she seemed happy to other people, she laughed, but never really just let go.
She liked to keep a little wine made up, but after she quit making wine, they quit drinking it because, now, I can see she was too embarressed to go into the store and get it, and daddy couldnt read, so he wouldnt go. I never ever thought about that until right now.
So she did with out her wine all those years because of fear of being seen going into the liquor store. That is what this town is all about. Not doing something others will see you doing, and then talk about you for doing....
I know Im rambling here but it is coming together.
My life has been such a shambles, and, I havent been able to make sense of ANYTHING for so long.

I have walked around like a zombie, in lala land, not knowing what the FUCK IM DOING!
I would go to person after person asking for advice, asking to listen to me, asking for some sort of validation that I even exist. ..... and I DONT!

It has become very clear to me, my kids came home from Colorado, and, unless we take out the wine and a little mind unwinding we dont do much communication at all.
Yesterday when they got here, they came in all happy and joyfull. Nothing like what we were 10 years ago. We had 3 hours to talk. Brother did I break down and talk. Told them everything that has been happening for the past 10 years, and, after a while, he had to go "see friends" enough of listening to mom!
AFter 1 more hour, his girlfriend decided it was time to call him to come home and get her so she could see his friends too.....meaning she had enough of me too..

BUT at least we sat and talked to 3 hours!
Today instead of sticking around here, they had to run off to a movie....now that one kind of pissed me off because its not like they cant watch movies back in colorado. It just makes me think that I was such a bad mom that they dont even care to be around me?
When they were teenagers they didnt want to be around either.
They were off partying with their friends, or, didnt want to be home seeing my ex drunk and passed out on the floor.

This is just so jumbled up, I hope I can make sense of it later!

I have not had time to just sit and think things thru, or rethink my past.
When our parents try to talk to us about their past, it is the only time they get to talk about it, then, we never learn anything about our heritage.
They dont want to listen to me because its been so depressing.
I dont have fun stories to talk about, only things that were painfull.
Who wants to listen to that?
Kids forsure dont!

Well, my ex just stopped in to tell me he wasnt coming to dinner tonight.
MAJOR BUMMER, IT wasnt important enough for him to want to come see the kids, and the granddaughter, whom he had not seen for 10 years+
Now I am really sad. I really wanted him to come and be a part of our "extended" family but I guess he isnt ready for it, or just doesnt care ????
I Want to talk to him, I want to know what happened right before I left him, why things went so weird, if there was another woman, or just his drugs?????
I just want to know if I made a difference in his life, of, if I wasted those 13 1/2 years loving him with nothing coming back my way.

I loved him so much, I didnt want the divorce but I didnt know how to make our marrage work anylonger. He was doing things I never knew about, and I just thought he was drinking more and more. I finally walked out.
the night I remember making the decision to leave, he was on his computer
doing what ever he did on it at that time. I walked in and put my shirt over his head and rubbed my boobs against the back of his neck and said, "how about coming to bed with me?" He basically blew me off, he never came to bed until after 3am, and I had to be up at 6am, I never even let him know I was STILL awake.
The next morning, I got up, put my clothes on, packed a suit case and said I would be back at another time after my things. I left. to start over again.

Now, 10 years later, he has been into and back out of prison, and, we finally were going to have time to talk....but, I guess not...not now.

But he cant come, said he is going to see the mother of his son, whom she had right after he went into prison. I dont know what their relationship is now but, I know he definately didnt want to be here.
It hurts.


but life goes on.....

The day is fast approaching

Oh way cool, I just found the ABC check on my Google tool bar! No more having to type blog on email first to do a spell check! Hey this is getting better and better all the time, now if I could just figure out how to do some of the other things online I have always wanted to do, such as a REAL website, not just a blog!

Anyway, son is going to be coming sometime today, I still need to get groceries, and all the china out. Its been stored away wrapped in newspapers for over 10 years.
10 years, a hole nuther life time ago...I had money, I was married to a man I really loved, for the most part I was happy. It all changed in an wink of an eye or so it seems now so long ago.
But that was yesterday, today is a new start, I finally have my house looking like a home, going to have my china all unwrapped and on the table for a REAL meal!
no left over hospital food today!
I don't care if I don't have money for groceries for a month, just so I can get the food together for this meal. Things are looking better on that part too. I got my work schedule for December, she has me on for 14 days that month! Its going to keep me from going to a catering in KC but, to me that is well worth it. I really didn't want to go anyway. It sounded like a dreadfully difficult feed. 2 days (48hour) 2 different sites, at 2 different times with just the four of us! AND STEAKS no less! I'm glad I cant go. I hate to do it to my cousin, honestly I do, but, at the same time, I feel it is a saving grace on my end....
Those 2 day feeds are a real killer. She must make some really good money, or, she just cant say no! I would NEVER take on those kinds of ordeals in my own business, and the only reason I have gone so far is because I HAD TO HAVE THE MONEY!
Standing at a grill for 12-15 hours with Nothing but a potty break is JUST nothing less than HELL on the body. After being there 48 hours with little more than 4 hour sleep break and going after groceries every 4 hours or standing at the grill the whole time. Leaves me totally wiped out, I come home and just want to lay on the couch for 4 days! But, normally end up having to go to my other job. My other job is just as physically challenging, but at least after 8.5 -9 hours I get to come home and crash. Its when she puts me on the schedule for more than 4 days straight that gets to me. I just aint as young as I used to be!!!! The song, "The old grey mare aint what she used to be" brings on a whole nother meaning!!!
December will be one of those schedules but at least she didn't put me on 7 days straight like she did in August! I wish everyone who has NEVER worked in the food industry would have to work at least one month, at one very demanding position. They would become so much more appreciative at us "low life" workers.
I want out of the food service, but it seems no matter what job I go apply for, all they can see is my food service work, and bypass me on hiring. If I dont put my food service jobs down, I dont have anything on my application. How do people bluff their way into jobs they dont have experience for, but, know they can do it...?

Well this post has taken on a different direction than what I started out with.
But guess I needed to get it said.

my surgate mom

My mom's cousin, had surgery today. She is 86, and, when I was little, I always wished she was my mom. We would go visit her and her husband and two daughters and as soon as i would hear my mom or dad say it was time to get ready to leave, I would hide. I didnt want to go home. I had such fun at their house. She talked to me like a person, she didnt talk down to me, and, she was the only person in my whole life that told me I was pretty. My cousin was like a sister I never had, and, she and I just had so much fun playing outside, climbing trees, running as fast was we could from the neighbor boys, riding horses, playing with her dinosaurs, going swimming, or roller skating. I remember hiding under the bed and my hair got caught on the springs. My mom was NOT happy with me, and, had to climb under to get my hair loose...I believe there was a pair of scissors used to release me from that bed spring! Yet, when my cousin would come to my house to stay the night, my parents always had to take her home at 10 because she would be crying to go home! Here I cried because I didnt want to go home, and she cried because she did. Then I would cry because I didnt want her to go home with out me!

Anyway, when my mom died, her cousin was living in Arkansas and didnt come home for the funeral. Then a couple of years later, her and her husband moved back to my hometown, and, never once came to visit my dad infact, never even let him know they had moved back!!! He had to find out from my moms sister. That hurt him and me terribly. He was so very lonely after mother died, no one visited him, he would go visit others but, being the non verbal person he was, it was difficult for him to "visit". Ultimatly quit going to see people. He sat at home alone after I moved away, and, dwindled away. My biggest regret is moving away and not being here for him. Even tho I moved home before he died, I only had less than a year with him.
Getting back to my mom's cousin. I asked her once to go see daddy, he was so lonely and would love to see her. She just flat said, "oh, I just cant stand to go see him with your mother not being there" That hurt me so very much. 6 months after daddy died, her husband of 59 years, died and left her so "lonely" it was another 9 months before I could go see her. THe hurt in my heart from how she wouldnt go see daddy was just more than I could forgive at that time. I worked thru it, and forgave her. Then got busy with work, painting house, emotional depression etc. It took me until this past August to finally go see her. I went to see her again last week. She was so frail and weak. She said she had a dr appointment the next day, which ended up keeping her in hospital. Her heart is basically shot, and she has already had 2 bypass surgeries. Today they did the roter rooter thing on one artery, the other is blocked completely. I dont know if she will make it thru this ordeal. I am so sorry I didnt go see her more often. If she makes it thru, I will be better at going to visit her. Its just so difficult to see the people I have loved dying, there are not many left, just when I get attached, they leave me.
I wonder if that is why it was so difficult for me to get "attached" to my parents?
I was strong when they were dying, almost as tho I was emotionally detatched.
I miss them terribly, and I wish I would have done things differently, but, I dont remember having fear, or anxiety, or alot of real pain when they died, or is it that I have had so much loss in my life, by the time they left me I was just used to it?
Being alone in life is something I have just always been, so, now, as more and more people die, it just leaves me knowing that being alone is just a way of life.
My fear is that I will not allow myself the pleasure of spending time with her, because I wont want to get attached, and feel the pain when she does die...
but, I know the pain of regret is even worse, so, I know I will go see her more!
Guess that took care of that didnt it :)
ok, time for bed....i have to work again tomorrow.
Then, get things ready for my son to come home from Colorado. I cant wait to see him and his girlfriend, we always have a good time when they are here.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Vasila's Heart

see Vasila's story on this webpage....


She came to America to have her heart operated on
She went back to her homeland of Afghanistan taking with her a piece of America.
Her big voice singing We Shall Over Come in a church meeting,
Her big smile as she walked into the ocean
Her gigantic desire to become a Dr. so she can help other children when she grows up.
All things found in a new world of Freedom.
Her father said she will go back, and not have to quit school as most young girls do at puberty, and she will not have to go back to cover her face with the burqa she will be FREE.

My prayer for Vasila is that God will grant her the love, joy, and wisdom to truly over come the life she has set before her in her native land. It was truly inspiring to see the love her father had for her in the documentary.

Here is the address to donate help for Vasila and other children world wide who need surgeries.

Vasila’s Heart Fund will provide treatment for children like Vasila as well as training and equipment to improve cardiac medical care in Afghanistan. Tax-deductible donations to Vasila’s Heart Fund can be sent to:

Project Kids Worldwide Inc.
530 First Avenue, Suite 9Z
New York, NY 10016

Specify “Vasila’s Fund” in the memo line of the check. Credit card donations can be made by calling (212)263-8141 between 8:30 a.m. and 5:30 p.m.

Project Kids Worldwide is a New York based non-profit organization that is tax exempt under Section 501 (c)(3) of the Internal Revenue Code. Federal Tax ID 13-4163222. All donations are tax deductible. All donors will receive a receipt by mail confirming their donation. Donations made in honor or memory of or in tribute to a person or family will be acknowledged both to the donor and to the honoree or family. For more information, visit Project Kids Worldwide on the web at www.projectkidsworldwide.org.
http://www.med.nyu.edu/communications/news/pr_83.html

Feels weird.... have you taken the survey?

Since Prez. Bush is going to Asia, and now, the bird flu has jumped to humans, if he will bring it back to the USA?
Will they ban him from re-entry?
Strange how that just happened at the time he happens to go there, huh?

I have been a mean "unlean" cleaning machine!
This house is finally looking like a HOME!
Damn, I might just decide to stay here!
It makes me NOT want to move AGAIN...too much fucking WORK!

Im starting to freak out about next week, I have NEVER had my kids stay the night since they moved out, let alone with a "girlfriend!" My son is bringing his live in girl friend from Colorado.....

PLUS the fact that (my ex) just got out of prison and is going to be here-he hasnt seen my kids or granddaughter since our divorce, and, stopped in after getting out of prison, he looked SOOOOOO GOOD...clean and sober and wonderful to see him, he wanted to see kids...soooo I invited him....
its like a huge 10 year emotional reunion with kids, Ex, then, there is house mate partner in the back ground (i hope he doesnt feel left out)....Its like saying, "hi, Im your mom, the one who has been emotionally gone for the last 10 years!"

just feels tooooo weird!
My life has been in such upheaval for so long, now, it feels like its coming together, but, how the hell do i FEEL about it, deal with it, and DO WITH IT?
ITS A REALLY WEIRD SPOT...I dont know if you can understand it but.....its WEIRD!
but, at least feels GOOD instead of like HELL!!!

Turkey stress

Im starting to stress over the next weekend. Its been so many years since I have really entertained for the holidays. This will be the first year since my daddy died, that I am not working 15+ hours a day. I have so many things I want to do and have stretched myself pretty thin right now. To add to the stress, my ex will be here along with my kids, his step kids. Plus housemate. Ex will be here since he has not seen them for 10+ years and never seen my (our) granddaughter.
I am putting together my three lives, if I invited my kids dad, wow, we would have my WHOLE life here. Except for those I have loved and are dead or gone.
It feels strange to know my life has drindled down to so few people.
If it werent for my online friends, I wouldnt have many people in my life, and, that SUX!
I am thankful for getting the painting done, I still have cleaning to do, and get the china out. Then, I have food to buy, I surely hope I have the money to pay for it. I dont want to use the credit card, but, such is life.
I wonder how many other people in the Good Ole United States wonder if they will be able to afford to feed the people coming to their homes?
I hate being in this situation Its almost like it was when I was first married, but somehow I always new the bills would be paid....now...i wonder all the time, pray all the time, and just always hope God will come thru....

Today is a turning point in my life, I will no longer allow a man to take charge of ME. My emotions are owned by ME, and I will not allow any man to dictate how I feel about my day! Finding a place in this life has been so difficult but I'm not done. I will not be done until my days are over. My mom used to have a plaque on her wall that said something about grow old with me, the best is yet to be.

Its gotta be better than the past! I AM READY FOR THE GOOD STUFF NOW

I finally feel as tho I have my life back, it had been stollen by all of the circumstances in my life, adoption, break ups, the divorces, deaths, the starting over points, now its ON WITH MY LIFE...MY LIFE....there is a ME in all of this.
No more waiting on a man to catch up, or be there, or take control, I am going to do my thing and hopefully find some real meaning in MY LIFE!

To all who have stood by me over the years, my depressions my emotional craziness, thank you! Even tho I never hear from you, and I dont even know if you care or not, I AM MOVING ON....with or with out you...
Writing the last post is such a release, telling the world who broke my heart and warning other women out there for him!
Now, I CAN REALLY MOVE ON....

You stole my heart, and left me as road kill....never to look back

(Dont forget to take the survey at the bottom of the blog)


It was the day after I signed my divorce papers.
You came into my life in such a mysterious way, the phone call to find a flight to Albuquerque, New Mexico. Not finding a good price, and some chit chat, you asked me to dinner. I never expected to truly go out to dinner with you, I figured you would back out before the actual time came along. When you called me to confirm our date I was amazed. Then when you showed up at my door, I was REALLY amazed!
The knock on the door, my stomach bounced all over the place.
I opened the door, those deep blue eyes had me at hello.
OH MY GOD, the most beautiful man I had ever seen is at MY DOOR! I invited you in, you sat across from me, we chatted about my apartment, about your move to Kansas, you told me about your parents in the nursing home in Roswel New Mexico, about your sisters being there to take care of them, about your brother in Colorado, about you being in the Navy and being divorced and not seeing your son for years and years.
See, I took it all in, every word we said to each other. We talked for two hours before deciding to go eat some dinner. We drove clear across town to go to my favorite restaurant and it was TOOOO busy to stand and wait. So we went to another one not so busy. We looked in the paper for a movie to go see.
I even remember what I ate, and what you ate.
We left to go to the movie, walking into the theater we got the tickets then went "window shopping" you took my hand as we were walking thru the halls of the closed mall....pulling me to look at the sporting goods window, then to the jewelry store, each time making fun of me not liking to shop..
During the movie, you took my hand, ran your fingers over each finger, up my arm, making me feel so sensual. Yes I do remember the movie!! But it was difficult to concentrate on the movie when I had this handsome man sitting next to me tenderly touching my fingers, arm, my neck.....
As we walked out to the truck, you pulled me close, then as we got to the truck, you pulled me closer and kissed me. OH THE fireworks were exploding in my head!
You stole my heart that weekend, and for the next 6 weeks you continued to take a little more of my heart and soul. Our last date together was so special, but looking back now, you didnt say "see ya" when you got back into the truck, looking back, you mentioned not having a credit card to rent a car when you would be going back to Roswel. Was that a hint, you had hoped I would give you mine?
Was that the deciding factor you were going to leave and not come back? The next week we had a date for Saturday, you broke the date telling me you had forgotten about another activitiy you had already planned on going to. I forgave you and you said you would call me on Monday. Tuesday came, and by Wednesday realized you were never going to call me back....
Each day was another day of pain, my heart breaking, life gushing out, as tho, you had left me as road kill along the road of life, never to look back. You left me, and, at a time in my life when I had so many other losses I could not deal with the pain.. I wondered if you were even a real person or a figment of my imagination. Your last day with me, I had taken pictures, they didnt develop. You left a hat, you had NEVER left anything in my apartment, was that a reminder, or just one of your calling cards to the women who love you then leave?
It all seems so hooky reading this now. I hope I NEVER have that kind of pain again, not knowing where you were, what happened to you. Then, strangely enough, a year later when asking online guys if they knew you when I found out they worked where you worked. One telling me you had been involved with a gay woman, trying to get her pregnant because she wanted to have a baby, was this for real?
He even gave me her e-mail address, and, she never admitted sleeping with you, but did say she was a good friend of yours.
Then, she disappeared off line, just as you disappeared out of my life...
After months of agony, wondering what I had done wrong, why you just left me like you did, wondering if I could ever pick up the pieces and walk upright again, if my heart would ever heal.....I finally realized.....YOU had no right to space in my heart, you were not paying rent, you had not made any payments, and, you left with out notice. SOOOO At that point, I had to make amends with my own emotions, and, heal. It took years to get over the rejection, and the fact you just left. Its been almost 8 years now, where ever you are, I hope you have not done the same to other women.
You made me feel so wonderful while you were in my life, made me feel so special, made me want to be a better woman, continue my weight loss, and feeling good about myself for the first time in my life...then...it was gone! My trust in men, my newly found self became different, I knew I wanted to love like I had loved you, I knew i wanted to feel like you made me feel, but, something was different, and its never going to be the same...
You had told me you were a gypsy, a gigalo, now, I know you those were the truths about you.
Not the other things you shared with me. Sometimes I have even wondered if you were the devil in discuise?

JOHN E. DODDS I HOPE YOU NEVER HURT ANOTHER WOMAN AS YOU DID ME!

Be sure to vote in my survey!

I added something new to this blogger thing.
I am just curious to why people blog!
Im also hoping to get some feedback on what others are thinking!

give it a check....VOTE! ==== its down at the bottom :)


you can add a survey to your blog free TOO!

http://www.pollhost.com/join.html

blew me away

Last night the door bell rang. WE NEVER have company, so, it almost scared me to answer the door. I turned on the light, looked out the window and there was a smiling face I NEVER expected to see at my door. It was my ex-husband the one who was in prison, whom, I thought was put away for 12-15 years! It had been 4 years and some months since he first went in.
I was so blown away that he was at my door!!! I invited him in, he came in, we hugged, and, it felt so good! (tears in my eyes as I think about it)
He was the love of my life, I had loved him with all my heart and soul when we got married.
I fought tooth and nail for my marrage, but, I could never be thin enough, and never be what his love was....a mind altering experience. He was alcoholic. When I met him, I like millions of other women, thought if I could just love him enough, help him find his "triggers" he would not drink.
WRONG! Knowing he had a mother who displaced her anger for his dad towards him. I just felt as if he could be healed of that pain of not having a supportive mother, he would be able to over come the alcoholism. Being married to him I experienced her harsh tounge, I understood his pain stemming from her bitterness, and, I knew, he was a good person!
I had choose him over my first husband, after 13 1/2 years of marriage to my first marrage partner. Which fell apart after his parents fatefull accident bringing death to the 4 members of his family. I came out of that marrage needing to be needed. Needing to be loved, and cared for.
I left after 13 1/2 years yet again, it must be my breaking point, but, I remember the night I fnally had enough. We had moved to the country, invested every penny we had in a big bird buisness, of EMU's, one that was sweaping the area of "self employed wanna be's" here in our area. Little did I know, his new friend from the next town over, was doing meth, and, that was the beginning of the end.
He started going over to see his friend, and, not coming home until way late, 3 or 4 am, or, staying out in the barn until way late. As I tried to get his attention, talking to him, throwing my body at him. I had walked up behind him, put my breasts upon his back, and asked him to come to bed with me. He totally ignored me. I just walked away, packing my bags the next day. I had 13 years of rejection to his love of beer, now, I didnt know what was going on with him but nothing was making sense! It was as if he had another woman, and I didnt know how to fight anylonger for his love.
It has been almost 10 years since my divorce from him...5 years since seeing him last, and now, here he was at my door. Looking better than he had looked in past years, and....happy to see him, and he was happy to see me!

Now....my partner whom I have lived with for 5 years....is...jealous.....

Happy Anniversary Bri & Le

It was a beautiful day, Nov. 5 1994. One of the most beautiful weddings I had ever gone to. Her self designed, hand sewn gown was made of satin overlaid with soft chantilly lace. I enjoyed sewing the pearls on to the bodice of the gown(1 hour before the wedding started) OH what stress!! I standing there with my hair not done, and trying to sew pearls onto the bodice when a sister from the church saw my stress and came in and asked if she could do my hair. Oh Thank you sister! The dress was tea length with which she wore old fashioned cream colored boots. Burgandy floral dresses were worn by the attendants, the guys all got to wear cream linen jackets.
As they walked down the isle, her dad with his little girl, the sun showed thru the stained glass windows bringing a rainbow down to the alter. It was as tho God was inviting them to worship HIM right there, right then. It was such a blessing.
After the reception we all went outside with 1000 balloons to be let loose in the Kansas wind. It was awesome to watch them being wisped away, pearl cream, burgundy, and forest green filled the sky.
It seems so long ago, she was just a tiny babe in my arms, now she is a wife, a mommy, a nurse, my daughter, my friend. She chose Nov. 5th to honor her grandma and grandpa, they were so proud. Grandma didnt get to meet her great granddaughter, she would have been so excited.
Happy Anniversary, Bri & Le, I love you so. 

In Honor of my parents Anniversary Nov. 5 1942

He was leaving for the Army it was Nov. 5 1942, there was no time for a wedding, and no money for anything more than
a quick wedding in Sterling Kansas, married by my mothers Uncle Ben who was a minister. Her sister was the maiden of Honor and I dont even know who stood up with my dad. Perhaps, my mom's brother inlaw? I dont know!
He left for Ft. Riley the next day, and, she went home to live with his parents. The German's out in the country. Mother worked as a waitress in town, and she would catch a ride into town with whomever was going that way. My grandparents didnt care for her, she was a poor farmers daughter, who didnt bring any money into the family. They wouldnt speak English when she was around, and, when her sisters came to visit her they would not let them come into the house.
She lived in this hostile environment for two years before my dad got out of the Army. She said it was the worst two years of her life. Sadly to say, she didnt talk about it much, except to say, if my dad's brother had not walked in to the barn one day, she might have not been alive. As she was pushed off the hay loft by my grandpa. She was pregnant, and lost the baby. One of three miscarrages she had.
When my dad got out of the Army, they rented a farm about a mile away. He tried his hand at farming my grandpa's ground along with his brothers. He didnt last at farming, he left and moved to Potwin Kansas where he landed a job with Vicker's Refinery. They were married 10 years before adopting me. My mom passed away on Jan. 18, 1996. My dad passed away on Sept. 3, 2003. My daughter got married on their 52nd anniversary. 

Big Mud Puddles and Sunny Yellow Dandelions

great site for Moms

 

Big Mud Puddles and Sunny Yellow Dandelions 

Feeling so much better!

EFT Guide

I have been feeling so much better since taking the class on Emotional Freedom Technique. Everyone should look into it and try it.
I will be first to admit as I was taking the class, I thought it seemed rather hokie, but, after trying it that night before going to bed, I WAS HOOKED!
Its been 3 weeks, I am sleeping better, and emotionally, I am not allowing the crap at home drag me down. As you can see, I have even started writing more in my blog other than dulldrumbs and boring nothings!
THANKS GARY CRAIG for the EFT program, and Dr. Mercola for providing the website to the training.
go check it out...it WORKS....

Immigrant grandparents

 


After meeting my new friend Christina (Kweet) who is in the Philipines, and her mom living here in the States, I have a new appreciation of immigrants and what they go thru emotionally. It made me start thinking about my dads family once again. I have tried to write about them in other postings, but, will try a bit better this time. Try not to be so fractured in my writings....I promise to stay more FOCUSED! HAHA....

The picture is of William and Doretta Budde, taken sometime after 1909. They came to America from Germany, sometime in the late 1800's. Early in their lives, grandpa being something like 17, and the story has it, grandma came when she was 15. Both, leaving their parents and families. Not having computers, or even phones to keep in touch. Going to a new unknown land, how exciting, and frightening it must have been!
I have a few old letters which were salvaged from my Aunts home when she passed away, written in old style German language, very difficult for anyone to read. It is our only written link to the past....
It is not known if they knew each other before coming to the states but, they got married in Norborn Missouri. Grandpa had a brother in Illinois, I have pictures taken back in the 40's of him and his family but dont know anything about them.
Grandma and grandpa Budde came to Kansas with a horse and wagon, lived on a farm close to Winfield Kansas area for a few years before moving to the plot of ground they homesteaded 3 miles east of Newton Kansas. They raised their family of 12 living children, one baby died in Norborn, making a total of 13 children.
For what ever reason, no one really knows much about their life before coming to America as it was never passed down to the children. My dad, being the youngest of all the children, was 83 when he died in 2002. He hardly ever spoke of his mom or dad, and never shared much about his life as a child. My cousin's have had much of the same from their parents, not having much shared with them either, our heritage, a past, forgotten.
My grandfather William was born in 1864, they celebrated a 50th wedding anniversary, grandmother died I think in 1948 or 49, granddad died in 1953, a year after I was born. I found many pictures in my parents home which had been kept for safe keeping in a suitcase, as in many homes Im sure. They were un-named and nothing is known about the people in the pictures. Oh how I wish, I would have taken the time to go thru pictures when my mom was still living.
This picture,was taken on the farm on which they homesteaded. It was taken sometime after 1909 after the barn was built, which is still standing today in 2005. It has been taken care of re-painted and a wonderful new door on the hay loft with the family names and years written on it. I need to go take a picture of the barn, but, it sits on the land where my only living uncle still lives ....behind the "guards" of alot of the emotional pain in my life. Meaning, his daughter and I dont seem to be able to relate and commune, carrying down the pain from the first generation, now to our generation. I know I am bigger than all of this, but, for what ever reason, this past year has been hell, and, it has just been too difficult for me to go face the monsters in my closets....
It seems there has been a lot of pain, emotional shut downs, and denial in a family who could have been so rich in history but unfortunatly nothing is there now. It makes me so sad when I think that the past is all but buried. The only uncle who is still living, the middle child of the 13, is old, feeble, and, one of the main causes of pain in my dads life. It has been very difficult for me to go to my cousin and try to heal the past.
I will write more later, for now...just enjoy....your day, your family, and dont let your family history be buried with the last generation... 

letter from Grandmother

 


this is a letter I found in my dads drawer when I was closing out his house after his death. I dont know if it is a letter from his mother, or my moms grandmother.
I had some friends from Germany translate it, but, with as unorganized as my life has been, I have lost the translation! It said something about when I die, give me a few flowers and be prepared in life to see me in your after life, or something to that sorts. I cant imagine my dads mother being that religious, but my moms grandmother would have been more likely to have said that. 

guest book didnt work

I spent most of yesterday trying to figure out how to use Bravenets free products, I had a guest book on here but it doesnt work, or, at least I didnt have it on here right...
Thanks to those of you who have left comments. I dont think Im looking for anyone to give me answers, but it is really nice to have some validation that I am alive and someone gives a note of encouragement. Days go by when I dont talk to another human person, dont have a cat or dog so, it gets pretty quiet in kansasgals head...
yes I have another human person in the house hold, but most of the time he is not capable of holding a decent conversation by the time I get home from work so I dont even try. He has been doing better this past week, which is where my question about happiness came in. When I allow myself to enjoy being "free" of his drunkenness and enjoy having him around, it gets thrown in my face with an unexpected drunk night.
yes, it would be so much easier to just kick him out. I dont know what the pull is he has on me, or, I have on him. If we were physically in lust with each other I would understand, but, being alone with out much other family influence on either side, I guess we are dependent on each other in other ways.
He is the oldest of 9 kids, whom most live here in Kansas but we only see them at Thanksgiving, Easter and Christmas. His son lives in Washington State and we have only seen him once in 5 years. My kids are in Kansas and Colorado and I get to see the Colorado son on holidays, the Kansas daughter comes around once in a while but she has a life I dont want to force myself upon her.
Unlike my parents who were so heavily into my life, always at beck and call, I have tried to allow my kids their independence and not force myself upon them. I certainly dont have money to offer them, and, can offer baby sitting services only when Im not working. They grew up with out me emotionally, or, so it feels. I dont remember either of them ever coming to me with a problem in highschool. I never went to my parents (mom) with anything because I knew they would feel they HAD to take care of the problem. As a child, I learned quickly not to let my mom know when someone was bullying for fear she would be out on the play ground with her big stick (figuratively speaking) chasing the kids away from me. I remember going to my room and crying secretly wishing someone would accept me. I dont know what I was doing to make them so mean to me but I have always felt it must be me, I must be the most horrible person to have the kids hate me so much. It wasnt until much later in my ilfe when I was reading a history book of the town in which I spent my childhood did I realize, that most of the people there were related. I dont know for a fact but feel that it was possibly since I was not related, I just didnt fit into their mold. Now, as an adult, and both of my parents being dead. Neither of their families reach out to me, it is as tho I died along with my parents. I guess because Im adopted, I have tried to be a good cousin and keep in touch with cousins but they dont reach out to me with out me first calling upon them. Holidays are the most painfull being alone. This year I have offered to work on all of them, I am supposed to get paid holiday pay but they havent paid me for them except one. I asked my supervisor about it after labor day, she said she would check on it, but, I dont think she ever did. I will find out now for Thanksgiving. Since my kids are products of a divorced home, they always have their dads to go to and his wife's parents dinners etc, and even tho I put in my bid for a certain day to celebrate with them, I still find myself fighting to get them more than just an hour or two on the day I have asked for. Hopefully this year they will be more willing to take the time for me. If not, there is always next year, hopefully!
One never knows what is around the next curve. Health wise, I have been trying to take positive steps to get back into shape. This past year has been devistating to me and partner, and, I can honestly say, one which I really didnt know if I would live thru. Hopefully I am on my way back up. Taking my suppliments and doing the things my herbilist tells me to do. I know my blood pressure is still high, infact last night I couldnt sleep for the head aches were pretty bad. I start the hazelnut oil tomorrow, not sure what it is supposed to do but she said it should take care of the high bloodpressure too. We will see! I have joined Nutronix for the B-12 Sublinqual vitamin, I hope that helps too. I cant wait till my order gets here.
Well.......my day is getting away from me, I have to get my copies done for the lawyer. I procrastinated it off all week, I HAVE TO GET IT DONE TODAY!!!
I need an accountablity partner!

If I am happy....

Will it all go away again?
Everytime in my life when I have been happy and content, it leaves...quickly....i have never had time to enjoy my happiness...
was i the one who sabotaged it?
Or was it stolen from me?

Chapter 13

Today I start working on paper work for filing chapter 13, I never thought I would be this far down in life but, Im hoping this is rock bottom for me.
I never wanted to do this but there is no other way. The business drained me of every penny, as I have written before, loosing everything I have ever inherited.
Now living on what little paycheck I can draw I have no other recourse but to file.

My lawyer says I should have my life back after this, lets hope!
I know I am not alone in going broke, with this whole economy going down the drain but the government wants us to believe all is well.

Bush has been standing with his head in the sand for so long, only knowing what people around him wanted him to know, its like he is in a bubble or something full of denial. It looks like his head in the sand buddies are all falling thru the cracks and his world is shattering, which, has already happened to the nation around him with out his noticing! Its now like he is treading water trying to stay afloat running off to NO and Florida for his photo shots making sure the people know he is still involved in the United States. Who does he think he is fooling?

Ok enough of my soap box, the whole meaning being, that so many people have been held up with credit for so long, and, the economy has been held up in a bubble, and now the bubble is about to collapse, how will we as a nation survive? We are being taken down to a lower level, no longer the top dog on the heap, will we keep our chins up or become humbled and put into our place? Ego, self, something which is in the soul of our being. As the rest of the world sees us tumbling down in a spiral whirl into the fiery sea.

Added another day to my life

ok Christina, I have added another blinkie! hope you notice :)

 

At dinner, I announced I had lost another pound, with out a blink, he said "where?"

he can be so cold and uncaring, I just wanted to scream but he doesnt get it.

I just want to be loved and cared about I am so tired of taking care of HIM with out anything coming back myway.  I know that is selfish but how long does one have to live with out somesort of emotional input coming back?

After having another general weekend, me working, coming home to him being drunk, I am just DONE! I have kicked him out so many times but he doesnt leave, I have shut him out emotionally.  He was limping around the house yesterday looking for some sympathy and I had none to give him, not one bit.  I am emotionally empty to him. 

 

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let the chips fall

Its been a year now, since we left for Florida, with hope in our souls for a new start. Only to find, we had no job once we got down there. My partner repeatedly applied for job after job day in and day out, I was impressed with his perseverance. Even tho he never landed a job, I never felt it was his fault. I heard his phone calls, his ability to follow up with his applications, and, yet, no one wanted to hire him for what ever reasons. With our tails between our legs, we loaded up, and came back to good ole Kansas.
It has been one hell of a year. Yet,since coming back to hometown, he has landed job after job, only to keep it for 2 months or less. This final job is a good one, it might not pay well, but, he will be able to work himself up to a better pay if he can just stick with it. His back is bothering him terribly, and, I feel for him, but, I will not tolerate him sitting at home getting drunk everyday while I work a full time job. Which brings me to my dilemma, why can I not go apply? Everytime I hear of a job which is not very often, I find a reason not to take my application down.
Im beginning to feel like such a looser, my self worth is so low at this time, I just cant seem to make myself turn things around once again! So, that makes me no better than him, he a drunk, me a looser...we deserve each other right?
Im at my wits end of starting over, no longer my parents little girl who they loved taking care of, no longer the dependent wife, daughter, but, the "independent" flunky who cant seem to make a living. Menial jobs, paying $6.50 an hour or less is all I can seem to find around here, and, that is not making a living, barely a surviving wage. Yet, the big shots of corporations make multimillions, Oprah is worth Billions, and, we, the underdogs who do the grunt work are only worth $6.50 an hour! IT MAKES ME SICK! Being self employed all of these years, has kept me making a living, but, loosing all I have ever inherited and invested, so, obviously, Im too stupid to make money!
Why is it the rich get richer and the poor get poorer?
My emotions range from the lowest of low, to almost a medium of being ok but, never on top of the world. I want to stand in the middle of the road and scream out but no one will hear me anyway so what is the use?
So much destruction is upon our country, the world in a whole is like a tightly wound coil ready to spring at any time.
Maybe the nuclear way out is the only way out?
Have we become such a people who are so intolerant of each other that the only way to deal with it is to destroy each other?

Boy is that a long shot from where I started with this entry today?
Which is how my emotions seems to flag back and forth, up and down, I cant seem to focus on anyone thing any more. It makes me sick to know he has been offered help thru so many services, and he only drinks his way out of being responsible, and I have so much pride I cant go ask for the same help he has been offered, I can only crawl deeper and deeper into my hole of despair.

What I wouldnt give for a good mellow shot today, seems to be one of the only things that helps me crawl from under this rock I have grown so accustom to.
The weather is great, October is the BEST month to be in Kansas, not to hot, not too cold, that crisp air in the evenings. Leaves falling from the trees, and, normally the grass is done growing. This year, we have had so much rain, the grass may need to be cut one last time here soon.
I am almost done with painting the inside of the house, getting things looking better. After moving into this dump, which had been abused by renters for 15 years. We had to live in it for the past 3 years with out doing anything to it. Since being back from Florida, I have all but one room done then it will feel like home.
Or, as close to home as I will ever feel again. All my hopes and dreams have crumbled in ever having a "decent" home again, and If I could let go of all my baggage and load up and just leave, where would I go?
I dont see myself growing old in this town, but it is a town where most people move to retire and grow old and die.
I WANT TO LIVE BEFORE I DIE!
and lving here is NOT MY IDEA OF LIFE !!!!

Ok so I might get a little carried away with my new toy, but, thanks to Christina, I now know how to decorate, at least a bit.  Some of the blogs I see are so creative!

I was feeling rather dull, and left out, so, I wrote to her and asked if she could help me, she was very cordial, and kind, and PATIENT!

Maybe someday I will be able to do a website, but till then, bloggin will have to do!

also, thanks to OTTO for the blinkies, here is the link if you like the blinkies..

  http://oserrato.com/blinkies2.html

A new world BLINKIES!!! YEHA

Thanks to my new friend Christina, I now can decorate my space a bit!
THANKS CRHISTINA from the Phillipines!

Drum Circle

We went to a "drum circle" today, the only thing we knew about it was an article in the newspaper with the headline "to a different drummer" wanting a new experience, dying for a new experience, we went.
When we got there, there were maybe 20 people sitting in a circle, maybe a few knowing each other but for the most part strangers. The leader explained ever so briefly about going to his first drum circle in Lawrence a few months back, and from that time on he had been hooked. How he had come up with "Rhythm Nation" as the theme of his group he was hoping to form, and, how this first circle was dedicated to the victims of Katrina, and he was going to be taking an offering. (that was the only political stance or view of anything said)
He had lots of drums there for anyone who wanted one to join in, or, offered those of us who didn't have drums to just sit and participate by listening and getting into the beat.
One beat, One heart beat, is the motto on his banner.
He then started with a simple slow beat and asked all to just join in. It was almost a spiritual moment for me which seems weird. As I sat there eyes closed just being, listening, allowing the beat to go thru me. I found myself offering up prayers of thanksgiving for unity, serenity, and peace. In my everyday life it becomes so full of chaos and obstructions that I know I fail to just sit and meditate. Sitting there, thinking and allowing. It was almost like, WOW why doesnt everyone do this!
There was no political view point, no church viewpoint, no special interest or vocalization of having to agree with this or that.
Just be! As people came late we opened the circle to allow others to join in, before it was over there were more than 50 people coming together just to go "to a different drummer"
In my own opinion most were not Newtonites but I don't know that for sure. The people I did know were formerly of the drug culture and been clean and sober for years (or so they portray) No formal introductions were done, only if you wanted to put your hand out to know the person next to you did anyone offer a name or even introduction. I actually met the lady next to me and her friend neither from Newton! I don't know how long its been since I have actually met a NEW person. I have found people in hometown just don't put their hand out to others, or maybe I have just become that unapproachable.

It was an amazing moment, a reflective moment, and a moment I much needed. I have been contemplating my goals, and my time here in hometown, it seems it is just a place to come to die. No newness, nothing to motivate anyone to become better, nothing to get a person out of a rut. Plenty of nursing homes and retirement centers, and there, they don't offer new life experiences, its a place to die!
For a moment, there were no expectations, only what each person brought emotionally, and spiritually in order to just be.

I cant wait till the next drum circle, which, wont be until Dec. 3....sigh, such a long wait!

living what we learned

I finally realize something today
Partner is living out what he knows, what he learned from his sick dad, and its making us both sick.
He learned to not want to work because no job was ever good enough for his dad, so, his mom had to be the soul supplier for their family of 9 kids and 2 parents!
In the days of no welfare, she worked night shift cooking at a supper club and brining home the left overs to feed her family. Partner was the "responsible" one who had to make sure his brothers and sisters had food to eat for supper, had to make sure they stayed quiet enough outside while their mom and dad had a romp in the sack all day on Saturdays, and took the brunt of his dads anger in life. Now, Im trying to keep him supplied, and taken care of, instead of him trying to keep me secure and taken care of....
I lived with security and love from my parents and they gave me everything, except allowing me to learn how to make decisions, how to make a living and how to be independent.
I dont know how to do any of these things, and, I have expected him to take care of me, but he cant even take care of himself, so why would he take care of me? He has never taken care of anyone except himself. HE cant even give me a back rub, when I tell him it feels good he right away quits.
I have lost faith that things will ever get better, I just dont know how to make it stop.
I dont have the guts to kick him out, and I dont have the guts to keep going on this route....

Hell just keeps comin on

hell just keeps on comin
No matter what I cant seem to get out of the way of trouble.
He was on one of his drinking binges again, lost his job and now in detox.
I dont have a clue how Im going to make bills this month. I figured it out today I need 14.00 an hour to make enough just to pay what few bills and utilities and housepayment, carpayment i have, there is NO way in this fucking town I can even find a job that pays more than around 8.00, and no one is hiring full time.
There is no way I can do the factory work anylonger, and, I cant take the pace of the fast food joints anymore. I have prayed and begged, I just dont know what Im going to do.
How is it people on Oprah, and Dr Phil always seem to come out on top of things.
I dont believe that old saying, if you work hard enough you can do anything.
Its NOT TRUE!

I am so sorry for those who have lost everything in the hurricanes but at least they will have help rebuilding, I have no one to help me, I am so tired of starting over...

nothing to say

For days now, nothing has come thru to put upon the space of my life.
I was helping out a cousin in his office, doing what ever I could to help out.
The shop is filled with young workers, young men and ladies, people who are just starting out in life, some married more than once but still young. Funny, laughing, throwing out insults, sacasisms at each other taking life so freely. Each having their own life, emotions and torments. The elders of the shop are the ones who have carried the weight of their own worlds for the years I have known them, going broke, loosing family members, seeing life for what it is....the weathered look is upone their faces, the knowing...the pain of life, the days that steal away our youthful freedoms. Is it just aging that takes its tole? How is it some have weathered the storm, live life to the fullest and make every opportunity count, and others such as my self, stahled, waiting for the movement of time, in the myrh and muck trying to wade thru the lifes moments hoping around each corner will be the new awakening, the new awareness, the newness of ones own maturity hoping to finally have made peace with life. What can be said, what can be thought, what can be done to make life more alive, more revealing, more loving, to live each day with love, courage, and hope, or do we just accept and wait to die......

Rising above the tide

ok, Katrina wiped New Orleans off the map as the weather reporters reported, people died, material possessions are lost, people are devistated, and, the government got caught with their hands in the cookie jar with no cookies to be found! (or shall I say, pork barrel?) Officials taking huge amounts of pay for what? leaving the poor with what? not exactly any type of self reliance or self protection, dumbing down of America is what I call it....

Now what?

Are we going to lay down and die, as I have been doing for the past year?

My life has been wiped out, financially, and emotionally, and, yet, something in me keeps wanting to go on, keep on keepin on as they say....

Black Americans, White Americans, Vietnamese Americans, They have not touched on the fact its not just BLACK America which has been damaged and devistated but all of us together. We are a nation together, "under GOD?" The spirit of freedom, the spirit of love, the spirit of unity, is and will prevail. As we have been seen in the past years of war, our soul has been stripped and left in a heap of rubble to be humbled. Will we rise to the occation?
A people with out a vision of hope dies
A people with out spirit whithers
A people with out love disapears
Cry out for the onions and leeks which one took for granted, but, hang tight, for there will be the streets of gold and land of milk and honey if one keeps a vision.

There are those who would point fingers, put into the blame game so as not to have to accept responsibility for their own actions. Bringing forth the fact that we have become a nation which cant take care of ourselves, always expecting the "government" to take care of us, expecting the miracles to come from someone else instead of from with in. The spirit of our love is being tested and making a river which flows thru the nation becoming a ocean with no shores. In the sweet bye and bye we shall meet on the shores, keeping hope alive we will see each other on another day. What has become important to us? Our material things over our loved ones, or friends? Helping one another is the only way we are going to be able to make it thru this. Other nations have reached out, it has been a way for us to humbly accept help, and, go forth.

Reporters have gotten braver, showing more of the whole story, and can we take it?
can the world take it? Have we shown enough of the vulnurable side of our suffering?
have they seen that we cant deal with crisis, but expect the world to believe we are the powerful nation expected to be strong and brave for all we have done in the past?

There are those who are fundamentalists believing every sin is punishable by consequences but, what about forgiveness and the ability to accept the gift?
Is judgement being plundered upon our land?
Is it a time for us to be on our knees asking for forgiveness for allowing our spirit to die, leaving our vulnerable children and weak with out safety, has it sparked enough of a flame to get the fire glowing, bringing back the human side in life? 911 started it, taking it to the enemy....there was an enemy so we are told, but, this time, who is the enemy? Can we blame God, ourselves, others?

I think, and I am only a mere human woman with out a face, with out a voice, except a small blog which is not read by anyone, but, we are all human, we are all accountable, we are all guilty, we are all victims, we are all powerful, we are all weak, we are all together, in a land, in a world, with no beginning, no end, but the time is now, only now which is important, not yesterday, not tomorrow, but, this moment, of how we love one another , how we do unto others as we would have done unto us......

Are we in a boat with out an oar, or, are we in a row boat rowing together, faith tells me a boat with out an oar takes you to shores not yet found, rowing together tells me a vision must come alive in more than one....does the boat have an anchor to keep us in place and a chance of sinking, or do we have the freedom to explore our options, its all in how we stay afloat and how we take the ride....
sink or rising above the tide....

Cost of War

to day I had to ask for help

Today, I had to go to the hospital office and tell them I couldnt pay the hospital bill brought about by my drunk partner who decided he was usless and needed to take his whole bottle of pain pills, a 12 pack of beer and then call 911 for help!
Three days in ICU Emergency room, and ambulance bills are over $5500.00!
Another bill, and once again, I have no money to pay it with.
It just makes me sick 2 years ago when my dad died, he left me over $150,000.00 and today im penniless. All due to the sink (bbq) which had a whole in it which wouldnt stop the drain of dollars. Saying that, meaning, I just cant believe, after all the money I have inherited in my life time, I cant believe Im penniless!
I guess I am just too stupid to know how to hang on to money!
If someone would sit down and show me all of the mistakes I made, maybe I could move on, but, for the moment, I just feel so dumbfounded and stupid for loosing everything!

Ok, rant done, now, the partner....
if he would have gotten help as a child, would he be the fucked up mess he is today at age 52?
It pisses me off that he had to go thru so much abuse as a child, and no one was there for him, to help him guide him and love him. His relatives knew the family was being abused but they were afraid of the dad in the family, so, they turned the other way. How many times did he have to go to school with bruises and tell others he "fell" He was a basket ball player for crying out loud, they dont "fall" and get bruises! No teacher, no one, spoke out and helped him...
I have been told by my friends to kick him out of my home but, I CANT....
I keep believing one day he will wake up and know how much I love him and see how much I want to help him but he has to WANT to help himself too.
For now, never knowing when I get home from work if he will be sober, or what I will find at all. As in the day in July when I came home and found the 911 responders in my living room, him sitting there being so out of it he couldnt even really give them any information. Im afraid to leave him alone all day, Im afraid to go to work when he isnt working....I just never know what I will find...
NOW, I have had to ask the local hospital for help in paying the bill.
IT just pisses me off!!!!!
Why cant he learn, is he so brain damaged that he cant ever become the person I know he is inside?
Are they right? should I just tell him to leave?

Thankful<<>

I have been to that point Feeling there wasnt any more in my life I could handle.
Knowing the load was so heavy I just didnt want to carry it any longer, but....
some how, some grace, God or higher power, brought me thru it. I am thankful for the mercy, and grace which has been given me.
Thankful for the home I have, the ability to finally make my payments, and able to keep what utilities I have paid up. The ability to pay what other bills I have, altho, I had to let go of much of the debt because I just couldnt pay it anylonger.
That was a pride thing but such mercy, giving me a way out. Now, as I watch the tv seeing these poor people who have lost everything, and have little hope to hang on to, my heart just goes out to them. Oh what can we do....how can we help...how can we stand together?

being split up

Being adopted 53 years ago, I know how it feels to be seperated from brothers, sisters, momma and who ever my daddy was. As I watch the hurricane victims being taken miles away, not knowing where family members are, alive or dead, the pain of not knowing if they will ever see each other again. My heart just breaks for these people. Most of these people are Black American, who, were torn from their families 200 years ago when they were first brought to the shores of this land. Now, once again, their family is torn apart, broken and pushed to their limits. Yes, White Americans have been hit by this hurricane too but, so many more are Black.
It brings it to the point, of are we going to treat it like its OUR story, or, "thier story" something they are going to have to deal with?
This is our story, not some tsunami thousands of miles away, its on our land,our brothers and sisters, our UNITED STATES!
Its a time for us to stand united, get together as the same way they did for New York
(strange, both have NEW in their name!)
What are we going to do?
How are we going to stand up and say WE ARE HERE!
They are bringing people to Kansas, we got word today that we will be getting 20 at our facility tomorrow. As sorry as I am for their place in life, I am honored to be able to help someone during this time. It makes me wonder, how this "Christian" area is going to really welcome the stench (no showers for days) the poverty (have lost everything) the overwelming depressed (mentally exhausted) people who are going to be coming to our state.
Time will tell.
Interesting, lesson which is being brought about to our door steps. It will be up to those of us who have learned from our past, how to reach out and embrace the future, or reject it and run screaming down the streets, I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!