Christmas Day

The day is over, it was good, even tho my son was not here.
He stayed in Colorado, his g/f's dad was there from minnesota, and, they invited us but I cant drive that far and go to work the next day which is what would have happened. So, maybe in a few months daughter and I will make the trip, altho, if I get the new job, I will not have time off for quite a while.

The EX came to see daughter, hubby, and granddaughter, he had not met her since he has been gone for 4 years. It is always so good to see him, he gave his big hugs to everyone which really feels good, making me feel as tho he did appreciate the family I tried to share with him when we were married. He just didnt know how to accept it, or appreciate it then. Some days I feel as tho I just really miss him so much, funny how the past 9 years have gone by and I have not really given him much thought, it was just over....now...he is back, and it is like another re-run in my life....I dont want to push myself on him, and I have tried to show him how welcome he is to come back into my life, but, he doesnt call, or, make any effort to make contact first. I can tell he still loves me, but, maybe it is because I have a live in that he doesnt feel he should? Or...am I miss reading him?
For what ever reason he came back into my life, I just want to take the lessons and run with them...

I had a revelation this afternoon, watching The Lord of the Rings-The Return-
God gives us information to be shared with the world, but, how many times do we just squander it off, and not pass it on as we are supposed to? How many times do we just blow it off?
I know everything is coming to full circle in my life, and I WANT TO LEARN THE LESSONS!!! OR....is it re-run time to show we learned the lessons the first time?
I know I feel as tho I just blew off everything...running from all my problems, trying to find happiness, and getting away from all the pain.
Do I go to the minister of the church Im trying to get the job at, and explain my life of sin? I know if they find out im living with a man, they will most probably not hire me. BUT....THEY ARE NOT LIVING IN MY SHOES!!!! Jesus doesnt judge me with this, why should they?
in Fact I have thanked God for bringing live in partner into my life so many times. Altho I know I get far too angry at him at times when he is so drunk he is stupid....
I curse him plenty of times during those drunken states. I wish I could just not allow him to push my buttons, why do I?
He keeps at me till I do blow my mind at him....he HAS TO HAVE THE ATTENTION....
then it all becomes all about him, and he has such an ego and no one is going to be right except him. I hate him when he gets like that.
I hated EX when he got drunk too, but, I never ever felt as angry with him as I do with live in. I always forgave him, daily, and always loved him just as much or more each time we made up. I never held the grudges against him. Why am I so different with live in now? Why do I feel pissed at him, ALL THE TIME?
Even when he's not drunk, I find myself pissy, and bitchy, he asks stupid questions, and my patience with him is so short, and that is not me!
Or should I say, it wasnt me with the ex, or, am i just forgetting how bad it got?
It seems as tho the last year of marriage was a blur, I dont even really remember everything that happened, it is like I was just a visitor in my own life.
We moved from my dream home, we lost our asses trying to raise Emu's. The ex started using meth, I didnt know it, we gave up our foster children, and, I left him.
I moved away from my dad, and, I moved away from Wichita to HArper.....where I started my healing process, and lost every penny I had. Moved back to the town I have NEVER EVER WANTED TO LIVE IN, My dad died, I lost him, my inheritence in a buisniess I loved, and, felt so totally lost. I moved to Florida, and ended up coming back with my tail between my feet, feeling like such a looser.
IT was a great experience but I hated it down there. WHY? Because I didnt know how to start over, didnt know how to get a decent job, and, didnt know how to find a life down there. I had to come back, face ME, and, now...try to start over....
Totally broke, no credit because I cant afford to file bankruptcy, I have the paper work together, but, now, have nothing left to pay the attorney.
The EX came out smelling like a rose financially. I had to give up my share of the farm because his "friends" didnt pay the taxes on the property and the county was going to sell it off for the taxes, I didnt have the money to pay the taxes so, his parents said they would pay the taxes but I had to get off of the property legally. I had to sign over my half to him. NOW, they (his parents) sell it for twice as much as we bought it for.
I feel as thos it was me that caused us to loose our money, we bought and sold three houses during our marriage of 13 1/2 years each time, loosing at least 10,000.00 or more in those ventures....and he turns around and sells the one property i had an interest in financially, for 70,000 more than what we bought it for!
It pisses me off, but....funny how that amount is the amount I ended up in debt with credit cards due to the business venture, and, now he gets it for NOTHING....
I can not see any blessings thru our marrage which was not taken away from me....and he walks out of prison, and makes 70,000!!!! I loose my inheritance which was close too 200,000, plus the credit card debt, and he walks out scot free and has money....
I dont count that against him, just makes me wonder why I am being crushed so?
What is God doing to me, and what lessons is he teaching me that Im not getting?
When my revelations do finally come thru, Im going to have a WHOLE BIBLE TO WRITE! HAHA