Im not a charity case!

Altho I have hoped to receive some help, from SOMEONE, im not a CHARITY CASE!!!!

I have paid in every way possible, havent i?

I have gotten fucked over and over, and didnt even get to enjoy it! nor a KISS!

Im just tired and cranky, tomorrow will be better, wont it?
That is what they always say.....look to tomrrow, things will be better...
ok....i guess, I keep hoping for the better, but, somehow cant seem to see each step as a "reward" for waiting and hoping...

How do we hang in there, when there are very few knots to hang on to???

Im just ready for something better to happen....for a new start...one that will be "better" than what I have had....I just hope I was thankfull enough for the few blessings I can see, so far....im still trying to find the blessings in my life, I have been so fucking torn up starting over every 12-24 months, i havent had time to look and see, its like hanging in there for dear life as i go around curves and the wind brushes past my face so fast I cant see where im going....
then, when things stop, I say WHERE THE FUCK HAVE I BEEN?

Im so fucking messed UP.....

and just cant make sence of anything....no one can stay long enough to help me walk thru it.

My travel bud, is the closest thing I have ever had for a best friend for as long as I have had, but, she never reciprocates my love and affection, she very seldom calls me, and almost never answers my emails....i have to make the first moves...

How do I keep on going?
I dont know.....Im really wanting to quit, but, cant....
quitting isnt an option....
I didnt quit, they evicted me!
I gave it my all, every piece of my energy, every penny, and every piece of love I could muster, Im done, I dont have anything else to give, im done!

Men cant give answers

JESUS is the only one who can give answers!
I have been chaising after answers from man to man....business, professionally, emotionally, they have miss led me over and over, and no one can give me answers to my life problems.
there is only one way to go...
It took me 52 years to trully cry out, I have always cried out, asking for help, then, get side tracted looking in all directions but the only direction.

I have followed after lust, money, love, as a carrot in my face, dragging me along never being able to truly find the answers to my problems, never finding happiness, always finding more dispair, debt, and loneliness.

People say "dont give up, keep going"
WHERE THE FUCK WOULD I GO?
HOW DO I NOT KEEP GOING?
KEEP GOING< DOING WHAT?

I cant go anywhere, there is no place to go...other than church...
more pain, more frustration, more guilt....

Im a fish out of water, floundering around, never knowing where to turn, always looking for that next fix, something to make my ego feel better, to wipe my tears, to wash the blood, giving me solance.....

Our local highschool is doing a program for graduation, which makes the student volunteer for community service for free, for 20 hours....

some crazy nit wit father says, "its not constitutional to be FORCED to help"
JESUS CHRIST!!!!!!! ITs gotten so bad that we have to FORCE PEOPLE TO HELP ONE ANOTHER?
I called my former employee to ask for his help to get our stuff moved out of the building, and moved over here to my place.
AT THE SAME TIME< he has just dumped on me that this forced issue was bing a real problem at school.
I jumped all over him, telling him that he needed to look at the true issue, that he has to see that it is insane that they have to FORCE people to volunteer...when people should be willing to volunteer to help the needy....
I pointed out how much i really needed his help, and if he couldnt "GIVE of himself, I couldnt give him a recommondation for his volunteering 20 hours..." I hope he understood, how much it means to help out of the heart....

but, nothing is done for love of neighbor anymore....
time is too "quality" people dont have time for others, no one has time to give of themselves...

alot to say

I have so much to say, and no one to say it to. I never feel welcome when i go visit anyone, they never offer me to sit down, stay awhile.

I know people who never come to my house probably feel overwhelmed with my excitement of having company....im so used to watching tv, i can barely talk to them, i just sit and watch the tube....wishing they would talk to me....

i try to start a conversation but its always about something pretty heavy, or a joke that is way over their head, they dont get it, and we both feel uncomfortable....

I have always had problems making friends, I have been alone all of my life.
I ache for companionship, but, when i have husbands, they cant communicate with me....nor, I with them....

Rob and I get along great, we work together quite well, but, we cant talk....we used to before he started drinking again, but, now, we dont talk at all....mostly fight....
i get so tired of trying to talk to him, and feeling like he doesnt listen to anything i say, and then when he makes a mistake, it drives me NUTS becasue I TOLD HIM HOW I WANTED IT...but he doesnt listen...or take me seriously....

I try to listen to his point of view, but many times, there is no point to get....
and then im pissed because I was realy trying to understand what he was saying, and, there was NO POINT...he wasnt telling me anything that made any sence! or at least to me!!!!!!!

Im so vented up, about to explode, and no one is there.....how do i find my venting point...
i cry out to GOD....and feel there is no one there....
If i go to my "friends" and tell them this, they will only "try" to be better friends out of quilt....I dont want love out of guilt...I had that in my 2nd marrage, he felt sorry for me, and married me, then, i had to live with guilt for 13 1/2 years, him rejecting me, and only accepting me once in a while, out of guilt, or, his own needs...not because he really wanted me....

13 1/2 years, lust....guilt....love....or was it....
was it my needs that drove me to him, an alcoholic who curled up into a ball when faced with having to meet up with his mother..
my heart broke the first time I saw him, knowing, he was in such pain, he drew up into a fetal position, needing comfort, needing love, needing assurance.....
but, he didnt want it from me....
he wanted it from his bottle.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What....did his bottle give him that I couldnt?
His comfort, quietly, with out judgment....
His love, given to his most innerself from his innerself.....
His ability to communicate with himself.....
with his GOD.....
His ability to be shown his crowning glory, his ego, his castle......
his land of milk and honey....

Self Employement is such an addiction...
one lonely road a person takes, even if no one else knows the road, no one else understands the sacrifice, the pain, the needs....
where does one go to find the answers, how does one get time to go to the classes?
How does one get money to take time to go to the classes?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Im bouncing tonight, cant focus on one thing, it like my mind is streaming by and im trying to catch a thought, type it, then there is another....
Oh, how I Wish I could find like minded people, someone to talk to....I have always felt so alone, so unable to communicate my needs to...no one ever has time to listen....
Maybe its just an ego thing, I want some attention....I want to be heard.....
but, why should i be any different than anyone else....do i listen to them?
Do I give my time to share with them?....no...they dont listen....
IF i say anything, no one speaks back, there is no incoming conversation...
I say something and either they dont get it, or, they take it as the ALMIGHTY SAID IT, and they dont want to contradict me....am I THAT BAD to be around?
I dont mean to be....
but, when I see something I dont like, I tell them, it is MY business. and if I want it cleaned, it better be cleaned!
but....THEY WOULDNT DO IT....
three times being told, they were out....tough?
yeah, im sure they think of me as the bitch from hell....
but, I really cared about these kids....
They came from bad childhoods, and didnt really stand a chance if they didnt get their lives changed...and, I was a place to work, if they worked for me, they had to listen to my phylosophy of life (spelled wrong) who gives a shit....no one else is reading these anyway....Spelling never was a good thing for me, it was one of my worst classes....
Im so glad I dont have to go back to gradeschool, altho, I think it would be a blast now....
watching all those little guys learning new things....
helping them see the world thru different eyes...
~~~~~~ child physc.....
is this were im supposed to be?
I NEED A SHRINK!!!!!
GOD AM I GOING CRAZY!!!!!

just another thought....

In cleaning fish, there is muck, and yuck to get rid of....who takes out the trash????????????

Joy......the final frontear????????

Do we all suffer from lack of joy.....JOY.......JOY.......JOY!!!!!!!!

Knowing Jesus, is supposed to bring us JOY....
but, does it?

It brings with it, responsibility....follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.....

BUT I DONT LIKE TO CLEAN THE FISH!!!!!! <<<<>>>>>

if you bring the fish to church, who gets to clean them?

most churches, put it upon a group of leaders, mostly the preacher.....
who, in turn gets burned out, tested, reviered, or, rejected, how does one really get to know the minister?

Speaking thru the pulpet?
going to dinners....?
working on projects????????
CLEANING FISH?????????

shouldnt it be everyones job?????
shouldnt it be up to the whole church to go fishing, and bringing the catch to the whole church, to clean, and wipe, and anoint.....?

Love, what is the price?

To have love, to give love, to recieve love. There is a price to pay,
Jesus, paid with his life, the true sacrifice, the life he was living with his friends, ......
his friends.....
his friends.....!!!!!
where were they, when they were accusing him of the crimes he supposedly partook of.

What were his crimes?
What did he do wrong?
Didnt he tell truth?
Didnt he bring healing?
Didnt he allow for forgiveness?
Didnt he accept people for what they were?
Didnt he give women a right to be heard?
What was Jesus all about?
and WHERE WERE HIS FRIENDS?

As he hung on the cross, asking why he had been forsaken....
Did God his father forsake him, or, was he speaking of his friends?

He tried to pray at night, but, his friends fell asleep.....

He tried give notice that some friends would be falling behind, and not recieving the blessings of God, at least not right away....

He tried to tell his friends, his brothers, that their world in which they lived, was nothing of the world they knew....

He spoke to deaf ears, what did they hear?

He gave legs to the man who couldnt walk, where did he go?

Jesus, would you know him, if he walked up to y ou and said, hello?

Do you know his voice?

Do you know his life?

Do you know his face?

Do you know his lap??

Do you know his smell?

Do you know his spirit?

I want to know his all, know he will be there with me no matter where I go, I want to go, in his name, to become a fishers of men, but, i hate cleaning fish!!!!

Having Faith?

Was it Faith that took me to Harper, or, stupidity?
I had been with out a job for several weeks, a friend kept asking me to move to Harper, telling me there was a great little restaurant which needed a person to run it. Harper was a small town, not much going on, and, i was neive enough to listen to a guy tell me this building which he had put a laundromat in, a small restaurant, and an appartment would support a single woman like me.

I asked for the loan, and got it!

all 30,000.00 worth.
I headed to Harper, not knowing a soul, except the friend who told me about the place.
20 years earlier we had been best of friends...she was just getting settled out of her divorce.
And I was just heading into my divorce. We partied together, we baked cookies together, our kids played together we lived across the street from each other. We were together alot!

I needed a friend, I needed a life, so, I thought, ok....Ill go to Harper, it seemed right. The laundromat made 900.00 a month..that would be enough to pay the utilities, and the payment on the building. I would live in the appartment, and run the restraunt, wala, instant life, and money!

RIGHT?
yeah right!

I had been there two months. I had hired a girl out of desperation, help was not easy to find.
She came to me, knowing I needed help, she admitted she was recovering from drug use.
She felt no one would give her a chance in town, and I was her last chance.
Desperate, I was! I hired her. She was GREAT, she was fast, she just knew what to do!
She was the best employee I ever had, even after what she did, I can still say she was the 3rd best employee!

She worked for me for about 3 months, and then came to me saying she had to quit because it was painting time and she was going back to painting houses, she could make three times what i was paying her painting. I had to let her go I couldnt afford to pay her more.

She was gone, two or three weeks when, I got a phone call, telling me I had a fax at the grocery store. Now, I thought that was weird, but, being new to town, I thought maybe that was how things were done. In stead of calling the grocery store, I took off down to the store to retreave my fax.

To my amazement, there was no fax! As I was driving home, I was asking myself what that was all about. Why did I get that phone call?
I went back to work, customers had come in while I was gone, so I took care of their orders.
Two days went by and I was getting ready to leave for the weekend. I went to get my purse and it was GONE! I couldnt find it ANYWHERE... I always put it in the same place, so I woudlnt go half crazy trying to find it, so, I was going NUTS knowing it was GONE!

I finally called the credit card co. to tell them my purse was missing, they checked on accounts to see if anything was amuck...and sure enough..that day I got that weird fax call, my credit card was being charged for beautisupplies in a town 200 miles away!!!!
SHE HAD STOLEN MY PURSE!
I called police, told him exactly what happend, and, he put it out on her..they caught up with her in a matter of hours because of my credit card number she was using and traced her back to Missouri.

I have never been so dissapointed in a "friend" as I was in that moment!

BUT, I would forgive her in an instant if I knew she has learned anything thru it all, If she was trully remorsefull?

I never felt so loved in all my life as I did in Harper, but once we finally had to move back to my hometown, I have had some contact with some of them, but, not many.
the one I was closest with doesnt keep in touch at all.
The friend that talked me into going down there, we saw each other three or four times the whole 2 years I was down there!
That really hurt me. Sometimes I feel like she felt responsible for me going down there and it being such a bust. We just never really had time to talk.
Maybe having friends down there that cared, gave me new faith in people, new love for people, and new acceptance of people, which I felt in return...I dont know but it was a great place to live. I have so many stories to tell, but wont tonight.

Following Faith, finding peace....searching for spiritual oneness, fullfilling basic needs...
brings one to that place called happiness!
awww will it ever come close?
My decision to move away from my home town has to happen, or, I will not ever find this peace Im searching for. I feel so much pain, bitterness, and dissapointment in my life here, I dont know if Icould ever over come it.

Im not sure Rob wants to move, but, Rob doesnt know what he wants...I just know, I dont want to be burdened by him, is he too far gone to ever become peacefull to live with, or is it always going to be the caotic mess i have now?
I cant deal with it much longer.
Oh GOD...I ask , why, did I end up in another relationship with an alcoholic, when I KNEW I couldnt live with one, giving up Mark.....
The other thing I have not found peace about was how John gave me such joy, and feeling of hightened love that I still cry, missing him, missing how he made me feel!
BUT the pain he gave me was even more painfull, a pain I have never felt before.

That has been the most painfull of all happenings in my life the one that almost killed me almost sent me over the edge, sent me to the depths of dispair. Loosing 4 members of our family to the semi running over their car, took me low, lower than ever, loosing my mother, aunt, daddy, business, all have been tremendously painfull, but, nothing was the loss of John.
The unanswered questions the inability to see it for what it was.
The pain of knowing it would never come about by him again.
The inability to let go of the need to feel like that, but, the inabiility to let go of the fear of ever having it happen again, keeps me from wanting to have another real relationship.

Pain caused by Rob is real, but, I knwo he wont ever leave me!
I have left all other relationships because of fear of being left.
So I left first....
it wasnt so painfull if I left because I could prepare myself for the pain, I could predict when it was going to happen and prepare for it.
But, when I got left, I had no warning, no signs that showed me it wsa going to happen, at least no signs that I was reading, nor picking up on.
No patter I was familure with.
he was just gone.

thankfulness?

Are we thankfull for the many blessings that have been brought upon us?

Why were we blessed with such wealth, such beauty, so many good things in our United States
and, why, are we throwing it all way?

I know I have not been thankfull enough for all that has been around me, even tho I felt like I was thankfull, I still complained about plenty of crap.
I see the negatives in my life, they have over come my mentality, and, I want to see the positives!
I want to see how life has been hell, and, now, I have a chance to GET OUT! and, do what I WANT TO DO
but, what is that?
How do I make it happen?

When I watch the documentaries of the war torn countries, and watch the women struggle in life, it makes me realize my life hasnt been THAT BAD!
I can only hope, GOD can forgive me for taking so much for granted, and help me know, my life is worth while, and HE WILL LEAD me to do what it is I was put on this world for!

I can only hope and pray, He knows Im still here!

I have begged I have pleaded, for my life to change, I guess Im asking for the wrong things.
the pain, the loneliness, the asperation of not knowing where to look for answers, seeing the world around me lacking so in caring about their surroundings, people around them, and knowing profit is always the number one reason people help people!

Where can life from here go?

so difficult not to be negative

In the days behind me, Im wishing I hadnt advertised we were closing, now, business has dropped of completely. We didnt even sell 100.00 for lunch! not good when we HAVE to have 500.00 a day to make a profit. We have not had many of those days, and that is why we are closing!
The right location....
I thought by being in a mall setting, food court, with at that time 5 venders, it was a GREAT location!
but, one by one, over two years each has dropped off,taking more and more business with them.
The biggest blow was when Subway pulled out, it was over for us.
Even tho while they were there, we probably held a close second to their sales, once they pulled out, we lost all draw. People wouldnt even come in the door, they would look to see that Subway was gone, and keep on going.
I wish I would have pursued franchising, but, I just didnt know how to do it.
That has been my problem all my life, I have ideas, but, can never find anyone to help me develope them. When a person has not many friends in life, and, not many family, where does one turn for help?

This town is so "religious" but, yet, claims to be such a wonderful place to live, why am I so lonely!
Why cant my businesses develope, and survive?
Why cant I make a living here?
IM struggling to not get depressed, and climb into my hole, where i have had to climb out of so many times.
I have had to start over, and over, and over, and always tried to keep a positive attitude about being placed there by "the LORD" isnt this how good Christian people live their lives?
Arent we supposed to have
"FAITH"
"TRUST"
"LOVE"
"HOPE"

How do I hang on to sanity?
How di I hang on to hope?
Hope for things not seen, but, faith to know life will change?
How do I give love when there is no one there to receive it?
Why am I so alone?

My life as I have known it, is over, I have to believe it is going to get better, for with out that hope, I will surely sink to the lowest levels of self pitty. I dont want to go there, I dont want to live in sorrow, and pain.
I want to rejoice, recycle every laugh I have had, recycle every feeling of love, and passion....

I want to love, be love, give to, and be given to, see life in a whole new face, see GOD, for what HE TRULY IS?

Does anyone really know GOD?
I mean in the Bible when ever someone saw God, they dissapeared, vanished off the face of the earth!

I can understand giving up

When one has lost everything, except two most important things, how does he go on?
People keep telling me to hang in there, where else would i go?

Loosing my business, is almost as painfull as loosing my dad last year.
It was my lifeline, my goal in life, my desire, my passion. Now its gone, im 52, unskilled, bad economy, my home town doesnt pay for labor, they expect it to be cheap labor.
Im so alone, no one was there to support me during my dads death, oh sure they are there when the loved one dies, and, then, they are gone.
Loosing my business, no one is there...but my live in partner, has been there thru these past 4 years, even tho he was drunk most of it. As long as he doesnt verbally abuse me, I can deal with it, but sometimes living with him is so unberable. I feel so trapped. I cant afford to pay for help, he lives with me, for basically beer money, and, then, companionship, altho its not sexual.

There was another thing I never understood, he and I had a decent sex life before he moved in with me, but after he moved in, he decided he didnt want that type of relationship.
It blew me away, but by that time, I was committed to being his room and board for help.

Life sux then you die!

closing business

I wish I hadnt advertised closing on Sept. 20th, I thought, just thought maybe people would want to come in and get their last bit of great bbq before it was too late I felt it was the right thing to do, giving them fair warning.
But, once again I have been left down by the people in this town. We have had the worst Saturday since opening back in my home town 2 years ago.

Being 52, is not a good age to be finding ones self unemployeed with no real job skills, and in a bad economy as we have now. It makes me so angry to hear Bush telling people "America is better off today than 4 years ago."
4 years ago, I owed 600.00 on one credit card and had 20,000.00 in stocks, today, I owe over 85,000.00 on 6 credit cards, trying to keep my bbq going, and, have gone thru my dads inheritance he worked so hard to save up for me, IN ONE YEAR! I will never see the end of day on this debt thing, and, with 7.00 an hour jobs here, there is no way I can ever pay it off.
I wont file bank ruptsy, but, I really dont have a clue what I will do.
Will Oprah, come in and save my day?

Being young and adventurous is one thing, but, being old, tired and worn out, and having failed at everything i have ever tried, gives me little hope for something wonderful to happen.
I have always believed I lived my life in Faith, but, my Faith is wearing very thin at this time.

Being stranded in my home town where I have felt so rejected, is not what or where I want to be in this time of my life.
IS anyone out there, can anyone hear me?

vacation?

I just came home from vacation with my daughter, and grandchild.
Isnt a vacation supposed to give you relaxation, and, rest?
How can one get those two things when all they get off in 4 years is 2 days off work!

I cant do this much longer, and, I dont know how to get out of the hell I am in.
I have tried to talk to people, ask for their advice, nothing ever changes, no one can give me any advice. Their advice are things that I have already tried, and already have failed at, nothing works to build my business. The business, that should have been the biggest success in Newton!

I have failed once again in the eyes of friends, and family.
I have tried so many businesses, and nothing ever flies!

I had a business in 1976, and it should have worked, but, people chose to come in, get ideas for their crafts, and then walk out and make the item themselve, and not support my business to keep me in business. Then, in 1977, I lost my lease, to one of the bigger stores in town, they rented my building from under me. I was just starting to make a profit, and, then I had to move again. Two blocks off of main street. I had to advertise three times more than ever, and, buisness fell of 50%. I would see people in the grocery store or somewhere in town, and they would ask, what happened to my store, why did i move off of main, and where did I move?
After explaining the situation to them, asking to to come look me up, then on Broadway, the support didnt follow. With in 6 months, I had to close, broke, and in debt.
Little did I know, that, with in 1 week of closing, my whole life would change, and, I would loose 4 people in my husbands family.

Life, as I knew it, being accepted by people who knew nothing about me, they loved me and accepted me, and, they were taken away, in an instant, killed by a semi driver, who failed to stop at a construction sight, killing 4 people in our family, mom, dad, two sisters. Four people who had wonderful lives, and projects going in life, taken away from many people who loved them very much.
AND NO ONE TALKS ABOUT THEM>>>>my kids know very little about their grandparents, and two aunts, because they are mentioned so few times. It has been so painfull to talk, that the children never got to know them......how sad.....

MY buisness closed, I lost my family, and, the death of life as I knew it, once again....

My first rejection came with my adoption, I mentioned that earlier in the first few pages.
Being rejected by my own mother, for, another man, an already messed up life, she knew having me in her life would cause nothing but more problems, and, wanted more for me.

I know in my heart she did what she felt was the best thing at that time.
I know some how she knew my adoptive mother, but, no one will admit that.
No one will allow me to know anything about before I was born. The stories I have been given nothing matched, no two stories were the same.

I have had so many stories told to me, by so many "biological" uncles, and aunts. Who do I believe? They are all gone now, not one of them is alive, but, the youngest, and, she is a hypocondriac who doesnt remember anything about my mothers life because she was in California at the time, where my mother went, to visit..with her husband, and my two youngest siblings. I think for the first time in her life she was happy, and, her life was cut short at 35.
Leaving 4 or 5 older siblings, orphaned, beaten, molested, put in foster care, orphanages.

And, TWO younger siblings left with their father, who, after a year or two, found he couldnt deal with having two young children, and, gave my sister up for adoption, then, lost his son to srs, when his wives abused Micheal.
Child abuse, once again, changed lives in my family, I was not abused, physically, but my life has been so screwed up, why cant I get into my life and know what the fuck is going on?

We, all siblings have finally found each other, we all had different lifestyles,
we all have different outcomes in our life, but, all have been so fucked up!

who do YOU trust?

The world had changed,
retrofusion
vampires
Since the 6th century
war its self became more perilis
weapons have evolved
one goal
hunt them down kill them all one by one
successfull campaign, perhaps too sucessfull
I am obsolete,I used to live for it...

Jesus was ________?
he taught everlasting life
drink MY BLOOD
and have everlasting LIFE
One must know the evil, to know the good
We all believe things are good because we have only lived in it....

Living in the bad, knowing the shit of hell.....makes one yearn for the good times, look fore the good times, and not know how to get them back

Everyone tries to get a person scooted over to a church, to be in a church inviroment, but, there isnt the one on one, the real friendships formed.
When in a prayer circle, they tell short stories of the problems at home, ask for prayer, then, expect the problem to go away.
How many people have really received the help they needed when going thru hell, in a church?
I know they are out there, but, where?
who?
I have gone thru hell the past several years, and, no one, NO ONE, could help.....
I begged, cried, asked for help, but, not one person offered any type of help, or, even few said they would pray for me, and the other day, Tad seemed the most genuine when he said he would pray for me! I think I can trust him.


I can only hope Carol prayed for me, but, she didnt say she would.

The Lawyer hasnt called me back, even tho i called twice on Friday.
How do I survive in a town I feel so little care and love from?

I dont even know who I can trust.

new days coming along

Sept. 3, one year ago today my daddy died. He was a gentle man, not very smart in todays terms. He only went to the 6th grade, and then, didnt get to finish it. In those days, they had to work, no matter how old. When time came to work in the fields, it didnt matter how much school work was assigned. He had to quit to work. He and my mom didnt have any kids of their own, she wasnt able to get pregnant. They adopted me at 13 days old.
Back in 1952, they had to own a home, and, have 1000.00 in the bank before they could even talk to anyone about adopting. Working in a refinery for most probably a very low wage, he was able to put enough money together to not only talk to the adoption people, but, to adopt me!
They took me out of a very broken family, a mother who already had 3 children, a husband who left for the army, and only came home on leave long enough to get her pregnant again, then leave. She became pregnant with me, but I dont know if he was my sperm donor or not. Some biological uncles and aunts, have told me she was pregnant with another man. Everyone is dead now who can tell me the truth. Over the years, I have found my siblings, 3-me-3 more, then, there was the 2 before the first three, by his first wife. Who he was married to when he married our mother.

Back to my daddy, even tho he never had a high paying job, the most he ever made an hour was 6.25, he worked some times, 10 hours a day, 7 days a week. I never heard him complain about having to go to work, or being tired!
There was always plenty of food on the table, enough money to remodel our modest home. My mothers kitchen was the envey of all the neighbor ladies!
I am told by cousins, I was the envy of them all, I always had the newest, bestest toys.
But, I never knew my daddy. He never talked to me, and never played with me. I never had a one on one talk, never had him ask where i was going or who i was going with. My mother always had to know, and always had to make sure I wasnt getting into trouble, not that my dad didnt care, I just think he didnt know how to show it. I know he loved me and my mother, but, I never felt it emotionally.

One year ago today he died, he was a broken lonely man, so lonely, I feel he died of lonliness!
After my mother died, 10 years ago, it was as if he died. All of their friends kind of forgot he was around, quit going to see him, quit going out to dinner and inviting him.
I had just gotten sepreated from my 2nd husband, who was an alcoholic. My mother had just died, and I had just moved to a new town, only 30 miles away, but, daddy didnt drive to the city anylonger, so, I was not close enough to him to come see me. I didnt know how terribly lonely he was, even tho I could hear it in his voice, I could hear the strain in his voice as he talked, as he told me how he didnt have anyone to have dinner with how he didnt have company. How he would go over to his friends homes, and feel unwelcome. HE was so lonely, and I was so far away. Emotionally, and miles. I was so selfish, I wanted my OWN life, I wanted to not have anyone to deal with, I wanted to live a life I had nevr had a chance to live while I lived in my home town. For the first time in my life I was dating, I was going out having a good time, and, I didnt have to worry about what my mommy said, or how she would dissaprove of who I was going out with. Even tho she never ever told me she dissaproved of the men in my life, in fact she seemed to like my first two husbands very much. She never told me so, she never offered her opinions, maybe because as a child, I had grown to hate her for NOT giving me her opinion?
Funny how, I felt so overly protected, I protested, then she just quit telling me how she felt about the things I did, but, by that time I was so ingrained with feelings that she dissaproved of me that I couldnt get past the rejections.
BUT THE LOVED ME....I know they did, why didnt I feel it?
Why didnt I know it? Why didnt I accept it?
Why did I feel so rejected even in their home?


Rejections, I have carried them all of my life,, from birth, childhood, teen years, adult hood.
Today, is my ultimate rejection to date.
I had to close my business, after I had moved away from my ex, my dad, and my home town....I gained enough balls to open a restraunt. In my home town I had tried to be self employeed most of my married life. I had a craft store, just as it was starting to turn a profit, a local church group bout out my building and moved me out.
I didnt see it as a blessing at the time, but, one week after I had to close, my first husbands family was killed in a car accident. We lost 4 valuable people in our life, in an instant!
If ever there was pain in life, it is loosing one person to death, but, 4 people in one accident, is unbearable! Life changed for all of us in that one instant. married, 1969-1982.6
Marriage ended 3 years after the accident, we werent strong enough to deal with all of the pain.
Lonliness was a big factor, life had changed, and we didnt know how to cope....




I tried several multilevel types of things, the pink makeup, lots of others after that, but, I just couldnt find enough people to make me rich!!!
Even tho I talked to lots of people, trying to get them to join up, they would in turn, join up undersomeone else! After a while, the rejections just got too much.
I soon started cleaning houses, and throwing local newspaper motor routes.
I tried my hand at customer service rep for the local newspaper, and cable company, but, both jobs came down to too much stress, and I quit before being there two years each.
Today I closed my restraunt, which I moved to my home town, to be closer to my dad. I signed a 3 year lease to a mall, and, felt it was such a good location. I had moved back from a small town 90 miles from my dad. They accepted me, they made me feel loved and accepted. BUT, I couldnt make a living there, I was racking up debt daily, to the tune of 60,000.00! All on credit cards!

My second husband had lived all but his first 6 years with out his biological dad.
I helped him find his dad, after 30 years of thinking he was dead....as his mother had told him when he was a child. He grew up in the shadow of his fathers drinking days, became an alcoholic, and dissaproved of by his mother because he reminded her of his father.
We found his dad, and after 6 years of good relationship, cutting back on drinking, becoming a more loveable man, his dad died, leaving him with almost 500,000.00 which....we went thru in less than 4 years, not lving high on the hog, but, by bad business ventures, in a home town where we just didnt fit in. Once again, his drinking took over, my mother died, and I left.
Not being strong enough to cope with the changes, the life I couldnt deal with, the stresses of life, I ran away once again....

Today, once again, my life is changed in an instant,
I have gone thru almost all of the money my dad left me, he was never paid more than 6.25 an hour, but he had an estate of almost 100,000.00! To which I now have only about 28,000.00 left! in ONE YEAR!
My restraunt never took off here in my home town, where I moved back to, to take care of my dad, he died after my first year here, leaving me with two years left in my lease, I had boughten a house, and trying to make it in business.
Today, my life changed, once again... I had to close, I just cant afford to keep it open anylonger.
We had the BEST FOOD in town, but, the location was 3 miles off of main street and people didnt like to drive out there.
WE quit paying rent in December, I payed up 1/2 of the rent after I sold my daddies house, but, today, they evicted us.

Today my life changed again.

Life in Kansasgals head

Life in Kansasgals head ok its going to take a while to figure out how to do this, as i work on it, please know, im under construction, always looking for a way to better myself. will you join me?

Today is the first day of inside kansasgalshead

I write emails to myself all the time, but, the other day, i thought, well, gee, if i die, no one will ever know what is going on in this lame brain of mine.
I was in a weird mood tonight, so, I put something like, "something really weird" in my search module, and, wala, up came something really weird. A BLOG....a young man writing his feelings about the war in Iraq. Now, this would not be so weird, as in its self, but, this young man is from IRAQ. It was his personal diary, then, his mothers, etc. It was a very nice insite into what is really going on there. I have been so very tired of watching the mainline news and listening to the political races, and all the lies they are telling us.
I can only hope, by reaching out, writing what I feel, and believe, someone will read it, and maybe agree with me, and, possibly find a real person in life to communicate with. Most people dont have a clue what is really going on in the world around them, and, to talk to anyone about current events is practically impossible!
so...talk to me....Kansasgal2, get into my head.....