Having Faith?

Was it Faith that took me to Harper, or, stupidity?
I had been with out a job for several weeks, a friend kept asking me to move to Harper, telling me there was a great little restaurant which needed a person to run it. Harper was a small town, not much going on, and, i was neive enough to listen to a guy tell me this building which he had put a laundromat in, a small restaurant, and an appartment would support a single woman like me.

I asked for the loan, and got it!

all 30,000.00 worth.
I headed to Harper, not knowing a soul, except the friend who told me about the place.
20 years earlier we had been best of friends...she was just getting settled out of her divorce.
And I was just heading into my divorce. We partied together, we baked cookies together, our kids played together we lived across the street from each other. We were together alot!

I needed a friend, I needed a life, so, I thought, ok....Ill go to Harper, it seemed right. The laundromat made 900.00 a month..that would be enough to pay the utilities, and the payment on the building. I would live in the appartment, and run the restraunt, wala, instant life, and money!

RIGHT?
yeah right!

I had been there two months. I had hired a girl out of desperation, help was not easy to find.
She came to me, knowing I needed help, she admitted she was recovering from drug use.
She felt no one would give her a chance in town, and I was her last chance.
Desperate, I was! I hired her. She was GREAT, she was fast, she just knew what to do!
She was the best employee I ever had, even after what she did, I can still say she was the 3rd best employee!

She worked for me for about 3 months, and then came to me saying she had to quit because it was painting time and she was going back to painting houses, she could make three times what i was paying her painting. I had to let her go I couldnt afford to pay her more.

She was gone, two or three weeks when, I got a phone call, telling me I had a fax at the grocery store. Now, I thought that was weird, but, being new to town, I thought maybe that was how things were done. In stead of calling the grocery store, I took off down to the store to retreave my fax.

To my amazement, there was no fax! As I was driving home, I was asking myself what that was all about. Why did I get that phone call?
I went back to work, customers had come in while I was gone, so I took care of their orders.
Two days went by and I was getting ready to leave for the weekend. I went to get my purse and it was GONE! I couldnt find it ANYWHERE... I always put it in the same place, so I woudlnt go half crazy trying to find it, so, I was going NUTS knowing it was GONE!

I finally called the credit card co. to tell them my purse was missing, they checked on accounts to see if anything was amuck...and sure enough..that day I got that weird fax call, my credit card was being charged for beautisupplies in a town 200 miles away!!!!
SHE HAD STOLEN MY PURSE!
I called police, told him exactly what happend, and, he put it out on her..they caught up with her in a matter of hours because of my credit card number she was using and traced her back to Missouri.

I have never been so dissapointed in a "friend" as I was in that moment!

BUT, I would forgive her in an instant if I knew she has learned anything thru it all, If she was trully remorsefull?

I never felt so loved in all my life as I did in Harper, but once we finally had to move back to my hometown, I have had some contact with some of them, but, not many.
the one I was closest with doesnt keep in touch at all.
The friend that talked me into going down there, we saw each other three or four times the whole 2 years I was down there!
That really hurt me. Sometimes I feel like she felt responsible for me going down there and it being such a bust. We just never really had time to talk.
Maybe having friends down there that cared, gave me new faith in people, new love for people, and new acceptance of people, which I felt in return...I dont know but it was a great place to live. I have so many stories to tell, but wont tonight.

Following Faith, finding peace....searching for spiritual oneness, fullfilling basic needs...
brings one to that place called happiness!
awww will it ever come close?
My decision to move away from my home town has to happen, or, I will not ever find this peace Im searching for. I feel so much pain, bitterness, and dissapointment in my life here, I dont know if Icould ever over come it.

Im not sure Rob wants to move, but, Rob doesnt know what he wants...I just know, I dont want to be burdened by him, is he too far gone to ever become peacefull to live with, or is it always going to be the caotic mess i have now?
I cant deal with it much longer.
Oh GOD...I ask , why, did I end up in another relationship with an alcoholic, when I KNEW I couldnt live with one, giving up Mark.....
The other thing I have not found peace about was how John gave me such joy, and feeling of hightened love that I still cry, missing him, missing how he made me feel!
BUT the pain he gave me was even more painfull, a pain I have never felt before.

That has been the most painfull of all happenings in my life the one that almost killed me almost sent me over the edge, sent me to the depths of dispair. Loosing 4 members of our family to the semi running over their car, took me low, lower than ever, loosing my mother, aunt, daddy, business, all have been tremendously painfull, but, nothing was the loss of John.
The unanswered questions the inability to see it for what it was.
The pain of knowing it would never come about by him again.
The inability to let go of the need to feel like that, but, the inabiility to let go of the fear of ever having it happen again, keeps me from wanting to have another real relationship.

Pain caused by Rob is real, but, I knwo he wont ever leave me!
I have left all other relationships because of fear of being left.
So I left first....
it wasnt so painfull if I left because I could prepare myself for the pain, I could predict when it was going to happen and prepare for it.
But, when I got left, I had no warning, no signs that showed me it wsa going to happen, at least no signs that I was reading, nor picking up on.
No patter I was familure with.
he was just gone.