those who join me in my head--hello---is anyone there?

Friday, April 07, 2006

LEAP


alt="Law Enforcement Against Prohibition" border="0">



Partner and I just came home from a lecture on Stop The War On Drugs!
A retired police officer from Boston who was on one of the first drug DEA teams in 1970's is finally speaking out....he created

LEAP Law Enforcement Against Prohibition

WOW....we been sold a war that will NEVER be won with the way it is being fought. I already knew, and I would hope most everyone else does too, but...the truth is finally coming out about the fact that THE GOVERNMENT created the drug problem, sold the drugs in return turned around "arrested" the same people they gave and sold the drugs to in the beginning so to have people to arrest!!!!!! for votes for the politicians wanted to look good and get votes! NOW they spend 69BILLION dollars a year keeping the monster fed!
new prisons, no money for schools, no money for health care but now 30 years later, with what started as a lie....a we didnt have a drug problem, just a little weed and hash their first seizure was 19 pounds!!!! and that was planted for publicity sake!!!!
today drug profits are 500 BILLION DOLLARS A YEAR on the all created by OUR government!!!!
PEOPLE NEED TO BE PISSED AND DO SOMETHING!!!!

JOIN LEAP!!!! http://leap.cc


It doesn't cost anything, if they can get 1million people to join the STOP THE WAR ON DRUGS, they can get things turned around in Washington....

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

If I were to die tomorrow

No one would even notice.
That picture that goes around online about the guy who died at work, and was dead for 5 days before someone noticed, is rather scarey, but oh so true.
Would anyone really notice if I died tomorrow?

My partner would when he got home to see I hadnt moved out of bed ....but, when we go to eat he doesnt even talk to me, or look at me....why are we together?

my boss would, when I didnt show up for work, and, maybe took a day to decide to call and see where I was...he doesnt even come talk to me, just passes the office and says hi..."any messages?"
and walks on....

my kids ....might take a month, or more before they noticed....my son doesnt call back when i call him....my daughter, well....She makes an attempt to show she cares....but, if I were gone, I would be one less person she had to deal with in her own complicated life....
my granddaughter told me the other day I wasnt a part of her family....because my name wasnt the same as hers, or her grandpa's.....she has cut my heart out so many times....She has never been a loving grandchild, and has said hurtful things ever since she was capable of talking....she has pushed me away, doesnt want to sit on my lap, or give me hugs, and kisses with out her mommy telling her to....

My email friends...very few of them ever reply, even to my personal notes, whom I pass on intimate "funnies" several times a day, but, only a very very few ever even send back anything...most of what they send to me is a repeat of something i sent out months ago...like they dont even look at what i send, and i send the only the best of the best!

My church people really dont even know i am there on worship day, the only one who says hi is the one who leads my Bible study, and that is when I walk in the door cuz she is the greeter!

My cousins forsure wont miss me, I havent heard from any of them since my mom and dad died!

My cousin whose mom lives in town, only time I have heard from her was when she needed someone to check on her mom, once the crisis was over, she never calls, or writes....

Maybe I am just too sentimental, allways have been, allways will be, even when I was little, I tried to get the people in my moms family to have little plays, showing each other how much we loved each other, but, they all thought it was stupid...

My home town where I lived till 12, no one there remembers me, so why go back...

I just dont exsist....

My bleeding has started back up, my herbalist hasnt been able to get it to stop, I refuse to go to the dr. She said, If I go, they will tell me I have cancer, which is a lable they always put on something they dont know what it is....
I have had trouble with vaginal bleeding for over 5 years, at first it was just really heavy periods, then, once i got so involved with my restaurant, and all the stress, it didnt quit...I went for over 6 months, heavy before I finally went to a Dr. I was too far from her to be able to get down to see her, so, went to the local hospital. They gave me the abortion pill, which expelled my utturus lining, and the tumor....the heavy bleeding quit, but, I was still having periods so when I had them, they were heavy!
Once I moved back to hometown, it started up again, no insurance, so continued with herbalist.
She gets it to quit for a few months, then it comes back...
If I died tomorrow, no one would notice, so, why keep trying....
Maybe being Easter, and thinking about Jesus, and the torture he lived in his last days.
He tried to tell his friends he would be gone but they didnt understand, didnt pay attention to what he was telling them....
How he lived thru the pain and suffering is beyond me other than GOD willing his life, but, even at the end, he said..."Why have you forsaken me"

I think there is so much more to the Jesus story than what we really know and have been told...but....its herasy to dig deeper and find those truths...but, yet Jesus said "the truth shall set you free"

If I were to die tomorrow...would anyone even miss me......?

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Just dont know if I can handle all the excitement

Standing still waiting is one of the hardest things I hvae done in the past ten years. Nothing like the past 4 years emotionally, but, not knowing where Im headed, or what my purpose for being back in hometown is driving me NUTS! During the week when I am busy with work is ok, but, being home, weekends, with no money to do anything is the PITS!
I suppose I can always go visit the people who are still alive, since they are the ones who never went to see my dad, and, I have supposedly forgave them. Which, is, NOT what I want to do, but...then, when is walking in a journey doing what we want to do, not my will but Thy will.
The one uncle who is still living, is 90+ and seemingly getting meaner and nastier all the time, I am not sure why I feel I should go see him, or that I have to go see him, but, If this is the reason he is still alive, then, he is holding on and Im ignoring the push to go see him. Does that make sense?
His daughter always says mean spirited things and, I end up retreating into my pitty hole after talking to her, so, it is just something I really rather spare myself.
I have been fighting depression for the last several days, I fell again, and messed up my knee which I messed up a year and half ago, and...has taken until just last week to be able to walk with out a limp. I was so exicted I pointed it out to one of the ladies at the church that my limp was healed, the next day, I tripped on a crack on a driveway while helping with a garage sale, and, down I went on both knees, my fall was broken with a box thank GOD, but, not till after I landed with all weight on my bad knee. It is bulging, and bruised. Also hurt my wrist that I cracked in Florida. Since then, depression has been very heavy. I have done the EFT several times but cant seem to shake it. Guess Im not using the right words....
Im snappy at partner, and, just over all, feel so unapreciated, and un verified, back to just feeling as tho I barey exist. Im just so tired of feeling like that.
I wrote the minister an email asking if I could talk to him, but, he has not answered it either..
Just feel as tho no one cares if i exist.....
my life has been totally waisted....no one even knows who I am in the town where I was raised as a child, my bio family didnt even know I existed when I found them....
my adopted family has not called on me once since my parents have died....
im just floating....hoping to find a place to be planted....but...so far, no place really cares....
The church were I work, which is also the church were I attended from 12 until I was 26 and, got married the first time, cares, they like my work, but, that is 5 days a week, the rest of the week im non existant....
The search for significance....I think I read that book once....guess it didnt do much good, cuz, im still insignificant....
ok, im done eating worms....maybe tomorrow I will fell better, its MONDAY.