I guess my blog is about the only way to really express myself, and, after learning the news of my sister being on deaths door with cancer, I will most probably HAVE to have this place to vent.
It makes me so sad, she and I most probably could have been really close, but, for what ever reason, when we sstarted writing, we would carry it so far, and, then, life would get in the way and it would be years before I would hear frm her again.
She had such a difficult life, being sent off to live with the French woman then, their Uncle Frank who beat them, and, then took them to the orphanage. She had told me she was sexually abused in the orphanage which is why she would never allow her downs syndrome daughter to go to school, or put in a home. She left the orphanage when she was 18, and, met up with a guy who she had a son with, I dont know what happened to their relationship but I know she ended up nesting up with some old man who took her back and forth to California year after year. She never had much, she lived out of the car most of the time, bringing what she could back from California to start over every year. My brother who used to be the only one who didnt have a family to keephimself tied down, would go to Muskogee to check on her quite often, he always knew she would live in the same neighborhood when she came back from California, she never went far. If there was an old beat up car in the yard, he knew where to find her.
Now she is dying, and, I cant go to her.....being alone when I die....is what i fear most, and I cant go to her....I dont even know how I am going to pay this next months bills let alone find money to go to OKC to the hospital to see her.
I HATE BEING POOR! I never ever thougth I would end up in this posititon in my life, how in the hell did it all happen, I just wish someone could explain to me why things have happened the way they have. But, no one can...there are no answers...
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
I dont remember ever being told I was adopted, but..
I dont remember being told I was adopted, but, I have always known it.
My mother who wanted a baby so badly, said "I wanted a baby so bad it didnt matter if you would have been blue, green, purple, 13 fingers or 2 heads we would have accepted you no matter what!" She had already suffered 4 or 5 miscarriages...
The day came that I was brought to Potwin, a small village nestled off of hiway 96 SE of Wichita my mother had to call the grocery store owner because it was after hours, and she had no milk or food in the house for a new born baby. She was in such a hurry to get to the store and get back home she ran into the store owners car which was parked in front of the store. I dont know how much damage was done, most probably a scratch, but, knowing my dad she heard the living h*** for scratching his car....when she got home.
However, being as excited as they were to have this new baby in the house, hopfully he was not that mad.
I was always told, I had two older brothers, and two older sisters, and that the lawyer had a letter written by my birth mother for me when I got "old enough", I am not sure how old, "old enough" was supposed to be, but, someday I was going to go get that letter!
I was raised as an only child, feeling left out of neighborhood fun fests, and childhood birthday partys. The neighborhood was ruled by older boys who loved to chaise me out of the "club house's" and keep me from playing with their sisters who were my age. The child hood birthday partys came and went with out invitations, I learned later because, everyone was related to each other, and I was not one of them, I didnt get invited. My parents were always up for allowing me to have parties, and, so we did. Oh what fun, and the kids who never invited me, ALWAYS showed up....
I wish I could conger up some good child hood stories, what few I have are memories of hot summer days spent, laying under the shade trees listening to the mourning doves coo to each other, never seeing what was making that sound, and the once in a while visiting neighborhood neice or nephew of neighbors who could come over to play. Frequent days spent under the huge oak trees with my neighborhood "grandpa" making mud pies, or collecting acorns with him, or perhaps, picking beautiful zinnias out of his wonderful magical garden.
At 12, my mom and dad had to make a life change since the refinery which had fueled the local economy for decades, closed down.
My dad, with an education of 6th grade, and not knowing how to read, had to go find another job. Which he did in no time, but it was to a town, where I didnt know anyone, and, never wanted to live. I had one cousin in ElDorado, and I LOVED being there but they moved the other direction to Newton instead.
My teen years were spent as any teenager, going to school events and being as busy as I could doing the club thing at school, anything to keep me from having to be at home. My parents were wonderful parents, and did the best they could....for which I will always be thankful, but when you are a teenager who wants to be at home with their parents??
Fast forward, I got married at 17 in 1969, left home, and started that search for the "bio family". My mother went with me to the lawyers to retrieve that letter....
the lawyer who had handled the adoption had passed away a few years earlier, and, his son took over the office. This son, told my mother and myself, there was no letter, and, when his father passed away, he had destroyed all the records. SOOOO my record of existence no longer existed. All I knew was what my adopted mother "chose" to tell me. I was born in Joplin Mo. my biomoms name was Alberta Rooks, her husbands name was Roy C. and my pre adoption name was baby Rooks. I had two older brothers, two older sisters, and, she loved me but couldnt keep me, oh, and that I was part Indian. A fact that I always cherished. BUT, not knowing any tribal history, I cannot even build on that historical existence!
Armed with only my bio mothers name, and town I was born in, I started my search. This was 35 years ago, before, the internet made it so easy!
I had remembered seeing a show on Oprah about families who were reunited, and thought that would be the most exciting thing, to find my bio family. Since I had been raised with no siblings, and my relationship with my adopted family was not the best, I just HAD to find my siblings. After all on tv they all seemed to be so happy and excited about finding each other!! Fueled by the fact I was pregnant with my first child, I wanted to know if there was anything I needed to know about medical history.
I got addresses from calling the local water department, at that time, people werent bound by laws against giving out addresses over the phone!
I sat down and wrote what I thought to be the most beautiful letter asking people with the last name of my birth mother to help me find her. A week went by, no responce, a month went by no response.....maybe two years went by, and no response....
I had battled depression most of my life (didnt know what it was, just knew I was sad all the time). My depression had gotten pretty bad and I was talking to my minister at the church, and shared with him about my search for my biological mother, and how it had really upset my adoptive mother, but, she didnt or wouldnt talk to me about it, instead, she got a terrible rash, as they called it back then, a case of the nerves. I felt so guilty for putting her thru that, but, at the time, she didnt even have anything to worry about, I hadnt found anyone!!
(Or DID SHE?) I still wonder to this day, if she knew more than what she let on. No one is alive to tell me.....
My ministers response was "hey, I have a friend who is a minister in Joplin, let me call him, and see what I can do for you"
With-in an hour, he was calling me back, my first news of my bio family, he had found thru the Rooks name, my biomoms maiden name and called my biograndma....his message to me was "Cindy I have some news, but its not going to be easy for you. Are you sitting down?
Your bio mother died in 1959. Your sisters and brothers no one knows where they are. The lady whom I spoke to is your mothers, mother, your grandmother, but, she is elderly and doesnt seem to recall or accept the fact that her daughter had a child who was given away for adoption. Im sorry." He gave me her phone number and address, but, also said he had given her my phone number and address.
Needless to say, my heart was broke, once again I didnt exist.
....in later years, realized, my depression started approximately 1959, when I was 7, perhaps, having my bio mother pass that year, somehow in the stars effected my psyche ?
It wasnt until two weeks later, I had a phone call from one of my bio mom's sister Dorothy. She had gone to Joplin to visit her mother, my grandmother, and, found the letter which I had sent her after the ministers phone call, she had tucked it away for her daughter to look at when she came to visit from oklahoma.
Yes, my bio mother had given a child away in 1952, but, she hadnt told anyone because I was a product of an afair, her husband was in the army, having affairs marrying another woman and having children.... all over Europe, but, she was the one who was going to be judged because she was the "unfaithful" wife back home....so she gave me away. Or, is one of the three stories....
Being the "serviceman" he was, he had a family started while in the Army stationed at Fort Riley Ks. a wife, two little girls, and then, started on my bio mothers life.
He moved in with his new pregnant wife, leaving his other woman with two daughters to raise alone.....and...had not divorced her yet! Years later, we find out that this child might not even have been his!
Biomom had been married to this man for several years, and had three (two that we know forsure) children with him when he was called to Korea, and, she was left to raise her children alone, without SRS, or welfare. She took up working in a chicken factory, and fell for a fellow worker, or at least, gave in once to him!
this is story two....
After finally talking to my aunt, and she confirmed she knew my biomom had a baby in 1952 whom she left up for adoption. This aunt, claimed to have been pregnant by the same man at the same time but had an abortion instead of the baby.....so....i have a step brother or sister but not alive.
I asked the aunt if I could go visit my grandmother and I was informed "she is elderly, and very poor, dont expect to "get" anything from her. I never did know if she was speaking not to expect any info, or, any material gain from my grandmother. I got neither!
Grandma was a very frail, old for lack of better word, hillbilly type woman.
she had led a very difficult life, collected junk for a living, and, made do with what she had. Leading a life with a man whom was filthy, vial, and a child molester (as we found out later in the story). Our visit was probably one of her first vists from a grandchild for a very long time. She had not been to her home farm where her son lived for over 35 years, and it was just across the town. She offered us lunch but after looking at the table which was covered with the filth, old dirty cans, bugs crawling, chew in a can sitting, we offered to take them to lunch.
She choose to go to Kentucky Fried Chicken, she said she hadnt had any for so long. She was hunched over, grey braids, large bones holding an old weathered wrinkled body. Just looking at her, you could tell how diffciult her life had been. Oh how sad I was, wondering what she had to go thru to bring her to this point in her life.
Being raised to do what I was told, and not ask why, It has been difficult for me to grow up not asking why. Now, I wish I would have asked more questions!
The next contact I had was with an uncle
My mother who wanted a baby so badly, said "I wanted a baby so bad it didnt matter if you would have been blue, green, purple, 13 fingers or 2 heads we would have accepted you no matter what!" She had already suffered 4 or 5 miscarriages...
The day came that I was brought to Potwin, a small village nestled off of hiway 96 SE of Wichita my mother had to call the grocery store owner because it was after hours, and she had no milk or food in the house for a new born baby. She was in such a hurry to get to the store and get back home she ran into the store owners car which was parked in front of the store. I dont know how much damage was done, most probably a scratch, but, knowing my dad she heard the living h*** for scratching his car....when she got home.
However, being as excited as they were to have this new baby in the house, hopfully he was not that mad.
I was always told, I had two older brothers, and two older sisters, and that the lawyer had a letter written by my birth mother for me when I got "old enough", I am not sure how old, "old enough" was supposed to be, but, someday I was going to go get that letter!
I was raised as an only child, feeling left out of neighborhood fun fests, and childhood birthday partys. The neighborhood was ruled by older boys who loved to chaise me out of the "club house's" and keep me from playing with their sisters who were my age. The child hood birthday partys came and went with out invitations, I learned later because, everyone was related to each other, and I was not one of them, I didnt get invited. My parents were always up for allowing me to have parties, and, so we did. Oh what fun, and the kids who never invited me, ALWAYS showed up....
I wish I could conger up some good child hood stories, what few I have are memories of hot summer days spent, laying under the shade trees listening to the mourning doves coo to each other, never seeing what was making that sound, and the once in a while visiting neighborhood neice or nephew of neighbors who could come over to play. Frequent days spent under the huge oak trees with my neighborhood "grandpa" making mud pies, or collecting acorns with him, or perhaps, picking beautiful zinnias out of his wonderful magical garden.
At 12, my mom and dad had to make a life change since the refinery which had fueled the local economy for decades, closed down.
My dad, with an education of 6th grade, and not knowing how to read, had to go find another job. Which he did in no time, but it was to a town, where I didnt know anyone, and, never wanted to live. I had one cousin in ElDorado, and I LOVED being there but they moved the other direction to Newton instead.
My teen years were spent as any teenager, going to school events and being as busy as I could doing the club thing at school, anything to keep me from having to be at home. My parents were wonderful parents, and did the best they could....for which I will always be thankful, but when you are a teenager who wants to be at home with their parents??
Fast forward, I got married at 17 in 1969, left home, and started that search for the "bio family". My mother went with me to the lawyers to retrieve that letter....
the lawyer who had handled the adoption had passed away a few years earlier, and, his son took over the office. This son, told my mother and myself, there was no letter, and, when his father passed away, he had destroyed all the records. SOOOO my record of existence no longer existed. All I knew was what my adopted mother "chose" to tell me. I was born in Joplin Mo. my biomoms name was Alberta Rooks, her husbands name was Roy C. and my pre adoption name was baby Rooks. I had two older brothers, two older sisters, and, she loved me but couldnt keep me, oh, and that I was part Indian. A fact that I always cherished. BUT, not knowing any tribal history, I cannot even build on that historical existence!
Armed with only my bio mothers name, and town I was born in, I started my search. This was 35 years ago, before, the internet made it so easy!
I had remembered seeing a show on Oprah about families who were reunited, and thought that would be the most exciting thing, to find my bio family. Since I had been raised with no siblings, and my relationship with my adopted family was not the best, I just HAD to find my siblings. After all on tv they all seemed to be so happy and excited about finding each other!! Fueled by the fact I was pregnant with my first child, I wanted to know if there was anything I needed to know about medical history.
I got addresses from calling the local water department, at that time, people werent bound by laws against giving out addresses over the phone!
I sat down and wrote what I thought to be the most beautiful letter asking people with the last name of my birth mother to help me find her. A week went by, no responce, a month went by no response.....maybe two years went by, and no response....
I had battled depression most of my life (didnt know what it was, just knew I was sad all the time). My depression had gotten pretty bad and I was talking to my minister at the church, and shared with him about my search for my biological mother, and how it had really upset my adoptive mother, but, she didnt or wouldnt talk to me about it, instead, she got a terrible rash, as they called it back then, a case of the nerves. I felt so guilty for putting her thru that, but, at the time, she didnt even have anything to worry about, I hadnt found anyone!!
(Or DID SHE?) I still wonder to this day, if she knew more than what she let on. No one is alive to tell me.....
My ministers response was "hey, I have a friend who is a minister in Joplin, let me call him, and see what I can do for you"
With-in an hour, he was calling me back, my first news of my bio family, he had found thru the Rooks name, my biomoms maiden name and called my biograndma....his message to me was "Cindy I have some news, but its not going to be easy for you. Are you sitting down?
Your bio mother died in 1959. Your sisters and brothers no one knows where they are. The lady whom I spoke to is your mothers, mother, your grandmother, but, she is elderly and doesnt seem to recall or accept the fact that her daughter had a child who was given away for adoption. Im sorry." He gave me her phone number and address, but, also said he had given her my phone number and address.
Needless to say, my heart was broke, once again I didnt exist.
....in later years, realized, my depression started approximately 1959, when I was 7, perhaps, having my bio mother pass that year, somehow in the stars effected my psyche ?
It wasnt until two weeks later, I had a phone call from one of my bio mom's sister Dorothy. She had gone to Joplin to visit her mother, my grandmother, and, found the letter which I had sent her after the ministers phone call, she had tucked it away for her daughter to look at when she came to visit from oklahoma.
Yes, my bio mother had given a child away in 1952, but, she hadnt told anyone because I was a product of an afair, her husband was in the army, having affairs marrying another woman and having children.... all over Europe, but, she was the one who was going to be judged because she was the "unfaithful" wife back home....so she gave me away. Or, is one of the three stories....
Being the "serviceman" he was, he had a family started while in the Army stationed at Fort Riley Ks. a wife, two little girls, and then, started on my bio mothers life.
He moved in with his new pregnant wife, leaving his other woman with two daughters to raise alone.....and...had not divorced her yet! Years later, we find out that this child might not even have been his!
Biomom had been married to this man for several years, and had three (two that we know forsure) children with him when he was called to Korea, and, she was left to raise her children alone, without SRS, or welfare. She took up working in a chicken factory, and fell for a fellow worker, or at least, gave in once to him!
this is story two....
After finally talking to my aunt, and she confirmed she knew my biomom had a baby in 1952 whom she left up for adoption. This aunt, claimed to have been pregnant by the same man at the same time but had an abortion instead of the baby.....so....i have a step brother or sister but not alive.
I asked the aunt if I could go visit my grandmother and I was informed "she is elderly, and very poor, dont expect to "get" anything from her. I never did know if she was speaking not to expect any info, or, any material gain from my grandmother. I got neither!
Grandma was a very frail, old for lack of better word, hillbilly type woman.
she had led a very difficult life, collected junk for a living, and, made do with what she had. Leading a life with a man whom was filthy, vial, and a child molester (as we found out later in the story). Our visit was probably one of her first vists from a grandchild for a very long time. She had not been to her home farm where her son lived for over 35 years, and it was just across the town. She offered us lunch but after looking at the table which was covered with the filth, old dirty cans, bugs crawling, chew in a can sitting, we offered to take them to lunch.
She choose to go to Kentucky Fried Chicken, she said she hadnt had any for so long. She was hunched over, grey braids, large bones holding an old weathered wrinkled body. Just looking at her, you could tell how diffciult her life had been. Oh how sad I was, wondering what she had to go thru to bring her to this point in her life.
Being raised to do what I was told, and not ask why, It has been difficult for me to grow up not asking why. Now, I wish I would have asked more questions!
The next contact I had was with an uncle
Adopted, and non existent....
Bio Uncle Rocky called me one night in a drunken stew. Telling me he had heard I had been calling asking questions. He said, "if you have questions, you ask me, no one else will tell you the truth, but I will"
so of course I asked about my bio mom, and how I became into being.
His version of the story was basically the same as the aunts, only, he didn't claim to know about his other sister being pregnant with a baby at same time as my biomom. He also, said, the guy was married, and left town with his wife, leaving my biomom to fend for herself with three children, one on the way from another man, meaning me. If he knew where the SOB was he would go shoot him!......so.....Not another good story.....He also informed me, that my bio mom had a child for another couple who couldn't have one. Meaning....There was another child adopted before me! Another mystery!! ??
Story number three comes several years down the road, after finding cousins, being told to just let dead dogs lie, and still not finding my siblings!
.... Biomom had gotten married again in 1954 , Wilbert Fisher, strangely enough, she got married in Newton KS. Which, is a mystery to all of us why she would come to Newton and get married! (where my adoption was legalized) They both being from Joplin, MO.??
She married a man with 6 other children (his total ended up being 10), and had two more with him, plus her own 4!!!! She gave me up in 1952, had another son by her first husband 13 months later, they had 4 kids not counting me! (the biggest question.....I had always been told I had two older brothers, and two older sisters) but....According to birthdates, there is no other older brother......So....Was it the older child she gave up for adoption before me?
She divorced Roy Rooks....(as he married a woman from France 2 more kids...) and we think he had one in Germany too with at least one more kid!!!!
We quit counting after finding his 9 or ?
Biomom, then, being married had 2 more kids....Totaling 7 kept, 2 adopted out...TWO?
Brings us to 1954, in steps a baby sitter. This baby sitter took care of the brothers and sisters, and while she was married to husband number two.
She became ill in 1957 after the last baby was born. The baby sitter was more and more involved with the care of the children, ranging ages 11-new born. The baby sitter was aprox. 14-15.....Remember this leg of the story later...
1959, Biomom is full of cancer, and dying. Fisher takes her to California to see her favorite sister, along with the 6 children.
She takes a turn for the worse, he puts her on the train, with a Red Cross lady, and sends her to the Newton train station, where her two sisters and husbands pick her up, along with the 6 children and Red Cross lady and take them to the Joplin hospital where she died with in days.
The last my grandmother had seen any of the grandchildren had been the day of the funeral, their dads picked them up from the cemetery and drove off with them all.
4 with one, 2 with the last husband. She never knew where any of them were taken.
This brings me to 1979. The phone rings, and it is a "sister", she had surfaced in Joplin to visit our bio grandmother. Grandma had shown her the letter I had written back in 1972 asking if anyone knew Alberta Rooks bio moms name. After speaking for a couple of minutes, she insisted I was the baby driven away from the cemetery in 1959. I kept telling her no I was born in 1952, but, she didn't want to believe me, and refused to believe her mom had given a baby away ...She insisted she would have been 4 years old and would have REMEMBERED a baby not coming home....But....She didn't..... Because....I was that baby!
She was in California, her husband was a migrant worker and they would work their way back to Muskogee when the crops were done. They work there way back to Musgokee in the winter, and would call me when she gets back.
At that time, she didn't know where any of the other brothers or sisters were either but, when she got back to Muskogee she would look for addresses.
During this time we wrote letters, exchanged info, and she still didn't believe I was the baby born in 1952, but, once she finally communicated with Aunt Dorothy, she finally believed I was who I said I was!
February 1979, we went to Muskogee, to meet my first sibling.
they always say the First impression is the lasting impression..... Not true, I have a very loving impression now, years later....
but that day, it was of Louise, the victim....
It was chilly, we drive up to the very dilapidated house, and three small children run out all three in diapers. Ages, ranging from 5 to 2. The next person I see is a very large, dark headed woman, who to me was beautiful, but had the "typical look of an Indian squaw" and, once again, the children were filthy, she was not well kept, very dirty clothing, and, another child looking out the window and she probably weighed 350 or more!
She invited us in, her husband, at that time being maybe 65, she said he wasn't sure of his birthday!! , sat in his chair, never getting up. She gave me the tour of the house, no furniture in the living room, but, hand prints all over the walls as if the children had nothing else to do but run around putting their dirty hands on the walls. The bathroom was not a place I wanted to put my toush, and, they had no beds, only mats on the floors, with piles of dirty clothing on the floor. She tried to pull out clothing for the kids to put on instead of their diapers.... My heart broke as I saw this type of poverty for my sister. I had led a very sheltered life up to that point, as the bugs crawled on my feet, up my leg, all over the furniture, I cried inside, wondering what I had gotten myself into sibling wise. (she has since, gotten a new life, and lost weight, and I am proud she is my sister!)
Her life had dramatically changed the day our bio mom died in 1959, her daddy taking her off in the car to his "French wife" in Washington state, who didn't have a clue he had an exwife with 4 kids, let alone that they were going to be staying with her while he left to go back to Korea!
Our oldest sister became a baby sitter for the 4 and her 2, while she enjoyed the night life, bars, men & booze....He came home a year later and died of cancer, leaving all the kids in Washington with no one who really cared for them. His brother came and picked them up, and took the oldest sister to his sisters home, and took the other 3 to his farm, expecting them to be the work slaves, and beating them if they didn't do as he said, damaging them in their childhoods....When he got the government check from their fathers payment of death, he took the kids to the orphanage and dumped them off. Her story is just so sad, she never had a chance in life....
My heart broke for her while we drove home, I cried, because she had such a difficult life, and I had such good parents whom I hadn't learned to appreciate!!! BUT I DID NOW!!!
When I got home from meeting Louise (Emmie) my adoptive mom ran out of her house and hugged me saying she thought I would not want to come back home!
After our meeting Emmie, she wrote my brothers 1 in Oklahoma , and 1 in KC., and other sister in MO., and gave them my address. To which they wrote, and we ended up meeting one by one over the years. We all had such different life styles, and upbringings it was very difficult to "bond" and get to know each other.
Story three, SEVERAL years later, probably back to 1999, A cousin who had formerly lived in Joplin but had moved away, moved to Wichita, and called me asking to meet up with her. We hit it off right away, she was energetic and full of stories, but, none about my mom. Apparently, aunt "Teeny" which is what they called biomom, was kept away from family by her controlling husband when he wasn't in the army he was controlling her, so she stayed home, away from most family and that is how no one knew about me.....BUT.....Cousin believes, her dad, had a problem keeping his pants zipped, and, got to my biomom...So...She thinks, my biodad is her dad! BOY I NEED A BREAK! I STILL have not had any kind of proof from this, and, the only way we could actually find out would be DNA tests. Everyone who knows the truths in this family took the truth to their grave. We have one living Aunt, but she chooses not to face any of this and refuses to give us any information. Altho, she did offer info about our biomom, needing love and having made bad choices in men! DUH!
She also gave information which was not expected but gives us reason to believe the story of the child being given away to a couple who couldn't have one could have some validly to it. Our frail grandma's old husband seemed to have a bad case of child molestation, and got to our biomom, could this be the baby given away to the couple who couldn't have a child? The 14-15 year old baby sitter? but wait, theres more to this mystery!
Back to 1987, I received a phone call from a lady in Hutchinson KS. She had been to Joplin MO to visit her step mom (French Lady) she had never met her before but wanted to know the lady who had been married to her dad. French lady, took out a box with some letters and in the box was a letter written in 1971 asking help to find an Alberta Rooks, or Roy Rooks. She hadn't known what to do with the letter since he had died in 1961, and, she didn't now anything about Alberta, she just put it in a box.
Now, 16 years later, it was being answered!
Jeanette was the oldest child of Roy Rooks, and she remembered fully when her daddy left her, her mom, and sister for our biomom!
She didn't hold it against our mom, but she sure did against her dad.
Her mom had remarried a wonderful man a few years later and she was thankful she had such a good step daddy. She has a heart as big as Texas, and has been the baby sitter for most of Hutchinson! Her sister is Barbara in Savannah GA. We got together quite often for a few years but have since lost touch.
1988 My wonderful Adoptive parents, had a birthday party for me after finding my siblings, and, we had our first reunion! We at that time had not found the baby sister Nancy Jo or her biobrother Michael. Louise didn't have a way to come, but my two brothers Carl & Roy were there, my oldest sister Annie from Missouri meeting her for the first time, she was the sister, I had always hoped for!!! The two step sisters Jeannette, Bill & Delaine, & DJ & Barbara& Cheryll WOW WHAT A 36th Birthday PARTY!!! It made up for all the ones I missed as a child! My two brothers even took care of the entertainment, we had a water hose fight! WHAT FUN!
1997, I got my first computer. I had heard about "chat" rooms for adopted people, and I was still looking for the baby sister and brother who had been driven off from the cemetery on the day of biomoms funeral.
I took home the computer, hooked it up, not knowing that AOL was a long distance call, and not knowing anything about computers, I think I did pretty good hooking it up, and getting on line with in a day! My first phone bill was 90.00!!! That quickly got taken care of once I learned local numbers to get hooked up to.
I put in the word adoption and found a world of info, and chat rooms.
But, not my sister. Time passed, now aprox 1998, and, we moved. I got back online, and, found a message board where I could put a listing for my baby sister asking for anyone knowing of a Nancy Jo Fisher daughter born 1957, and Mike Fisher, born 1955, children of Alberta Rooks Fisher please contact me. With in days, I had an email from a lady who had also seen a search put out by my baby sister looking for for Alberta Rooks.....she put two and two together and put my baby sister in touch with me!
I drove to Texas to meet her, and this was a VERY happy Reunion!!
As she had a cell phone, and I had a cell phone, we called each other to check and see our locations, trucks we were driving, etc, and out she flew, came running to my truck, all 95 pounds of her....here was this tiny little spit fire from Texas, the baby sister we finally had found each other!! !
We enjoyed a week in Texas, and then drove to Muskogee, met her/our brother Michael who had been missing since 1959, and all the rest of us.... on March 3, 1999 we, all 7 of us, were in the same room, for the first time in 40 years! Here were the oldest 3, then me whom they hadn't known about, the next three two of which had been whisked away when 2, and 4, and now for the first time we sat with some of our children and visited in the same room! The oldest remembered the two youngest, so were totally thrilled at reuniting with them, but, once again, I was the outsider, but at least I was part of the reason we got all together!!
It was not an Oprah style reunion, and it took several years to get it all together but I am so very happy we were able to get that one reunion it.
Our oldest brother Roy who, also kept us all stirred up with his behaviors and gossips about one another, came to Kansas to see our step sister, but, choose not to stop in and see me since he was upset with me for not loaning him some money. He was in Kansas for Christmas 1999, drove back to Oklahoma, and, on the day before New Years Eve of 2000, I got a call he was found dead in his apartment, apparently a heart attack when he got home from Hutchinson.
Since he was always showing up unannounced and always upset if I already had plans, it didn't surprise me he died on THE WEEKEND of the Millennium for party plans! I packed up and went to Oklahoma to help clean out his apartment, there was no one else that could go do it at that time except Delaine her sister DJ, and brother Carl, and myself. We had his body cremated, and, laid to rest in a local cemetery, but, had no service.....Which I feel sad about but my niece wanted to put something together after the holiday when everyone could be there, but..never did...
Baby sis, Nancy Jo, has since been doing so much more searching, and, has come up with the biggest mystery......Her adoptive mom was the 14-15 year old baby sitter from 1957, who, also, might be that child who was given away to the couple who couldnt have a child!!!!
Baby sis has found so many other mysteries, I have asked her to QUIT looking, we will NEVER find answers, these people are dead and buried! Her adoptive father is still alive, but...wont tell her anything....why do people think they are doing a favor by keeping secrets!!!
so of course I asked about my bio mom, and how I became into being.
His version of the story was basically the same as the aunts, only, he didn't claim to know about his other sister being pregnant with a baby at same time as my biomom. He also, said, the guy was married, and left town with his wife, leaving my biomom to fend for herself with three children, one on the way from another man, meaning me. If he knew where the SOB was he would go shoot him!......so.....Not another good story.....He also informed me, that my bio mom had a child for another couple who couldn't have one. Meaning....There was another child adopted before me! Another mystery!! ??
Story number three comes several years down the road, after finding cousins, being told to just let dead dogs lie, and still not finding my siblings!
.... Biomom had gotten married again in 1954 , Wilbert Fisher, strangely enough, she got married in Newton KS. Which, is a mystery to all of us why she would come to Newton and get married! (where my adoption was legalized) They both being from Joplin, MO.??
She married a man with 6 other children (his total ended up being 10), and had two more with him, plus her own 4!!!! She gave me up in 1952, had another son by her first husband 13 months later, they had 4 kids not counting me! (the biggest question.....I had always been told I had two older brothers, and two older sisters) but....According to birthdates, there is no other older brother......So....Was it the older child she gave up for adoption before me?
She divorced Roy Rooks....(as he married a woman from France 2 more kids...) and we think he had one in Germany too with at least one more kid!!!!
We quit counting after finding his 9 or ?
Biomom, then, being married had 2 more kids....Totaling 7 kept, 2 adopted out...TWO?
Brings us to 1954, in steps a baby sitter. This baby sitter took care of the brothers and sisters, and while she was married to husband number two.
She became ill in 1957 after the last baby was born. The baby sitter was more and more involved with the care of the children, ranging ages 11-new born. The baby sitter was aprox. 14-15.....Remember this leg of the story later...
1959, Biomom is full of cancer, and dying. Fisher takes her to California to see her favorite sister, along with the 6 children.
She takes a turn for the worse, he puts her on the train, with a Red Cross lady, and sends her to the Newton train station, where her two sisters and husbands pick her up, along with the 6 children and Red Cross lady and take them to the Joplin hospital where she died with in days.
The last my grandmother had seen any of the grandchildren had been the day of the funeral, their dads picked them up from the cemetery and drove off with them all.
4 with one, 2 with the last husband. She never knew where any of them were taken.
This brings me to 1979. The phone rings, and it is a "sister", she had surfaced in Joplin to visit our bio grandmother. Grandma had shown her the letter I had written back in 1972 asking if anyone knew Alberta Rooks bio moms name. After speaking for a couple of minutes, she insisted I was the baby driven away from the cemetery in 1959. I kept telling her no I was born in 1952, but, she didn't want to believe me, and refused to believe her mom had given a baby away ...She insisted she would have been 4 years old and would have REMEMBERED a baby not coming home....But....She didn't..... Because....I was that baby!
She was in California, her husband was a migrant worker and they would work their way back to Muskogee when the crops were done. They work there way back to Musgokee in the winter, and would call me when she gets back.
At that time, she didn't know where any of the other brothers or sisters were either but, when she got back to Muskogee she would look for addresses.
During this time we wrote letters, exchanged info, and she still didn't believe I was the baby born in 1952, but, once she finally communicated with Aunt Dorothy, she finally believed I was who I said I was!
February 1979, we went to Muskogee, to meet my first sibling.
they always say the First impression is the lasting impression..... Not true, I have a very loving impression now, years later....
but that day, it was of Louise, the victim....
It was chilly, we drive up to the very dilapidated house, and three small children run out all three in diapers. Ages, ranging from 5 to 2. The next person I see is a very large, dark headed woman, who to me was beautiful, but had the "typical look of an Indian squaw" and, once again, the children were filthy, she was not well kept, very dirty clothing, and, another child looking out the window and she probably weighed 350 or more!
She invited us in, her husband, at that time being maybe 65, she said he wasn't sure of his birthday!! , sat in his chair, never getting up. She gave me the tour of the house, no furniture in the living room, but, hand prints all over the walls as if the children had nothing else to do but run around putting their dirty hands on the walls. The bathroom was not a place I wanted to put my toush, and, they had no beds, only mats on the floors, with piles of dirty clothing on the floor. She tried to pull out clothing for the kids to put on instead of their diapers.... My heart broke as I saw this type of poverty for my sister. I had led a very sheltered life up to that point, as the bugs crawled on my feet, up my leg, all over the furniture, I cried inside, wondering what I had gotten myself into sibling wise. (she has since, gotten a new life, and lost weight, and I am proud she is my sister!)
Her life had dramatically changed the day our bio mom died in 1959, her daddy taking her off in the car to his "French wife" in Washington state, who didn't have a clue he had an exwife with 4 kids, let alone that they were going to be staying with her while he left to go back to Korea!
Our oldest sister became a baby sitter for the 4 and her 2, while she enjoyed the night life, bars, men & booze....He came home a year later and died of cancer, leaving all the kids in Washington with no one who really cared for them. His brother came and picked them up, and took the oldest sister to his sisters home, and took the other 3 to his farm, expecting them to be the work slaves, and beating them if they didn't do as he said, damaging them in their childhoods....When he got the government check from their fathers payment of death, he took the kids to the orphanage and dumped them off. Her story is just so sad, she never had a chance in life....
My heart broke for her while we drove home, I cried, because she had such a difficult life, and I had such good parents whom I hadn't learned to appreciate!!! BUT I DID NOW!!!
When I got home from meeting Louise (Emmie) my adoptive mom ran out of her house and hugged me saying she thought I would not want to come back home!
After our meeting Emmie, she wrote my brothers 1 in Oklahoma , and 1 in KC., and other sister in MO., and gave them my address. To which they wrote, and we ended up meeting one by one over the years. We all had such different life styles, and upbringings it was very difficult to "bond" and get to know each other.
Story three, SEVERAL years later, probably back to 1999, A cousin who had formerly lived in Joplin but had moved away, moved to Wichita, and called me asking to meet up with her. We hit it off right away, she was energetic and full of stories, but, none about my mom. Apparently, aunt "Teeny" which is what they called biomom, was kept away from family by her controlling husband when he wasn't in the army he was controlling her, so she stayed home, away from most family and that is how no one knew about me.....BUT.....Cousin believes, her dad, had a problem keeping his pants zipped, and, got to my biomom...So...She thinks, my biodad is her dad! BOY I NEED A BREAK! I STILL have not had any kind of proof from this, and, the only way we could actually find out would be DNA tests. Everyone who knows the truths in this family took the truth to their grave. We have one living Aunt, but she chooses not to face any of this and refuses to give us any information. Altho, she did offer info about our biomom, needing love and having made bad choices in men! DUH!
She also gave information which was not expected but gives us reason to believe the story of the child being given away to a couple who couldn't have one could have some validly to it. Our frail grandma's old husband seemed to have a bad case of child molestation, and got to our biomom, could this be the baby given away to the couple who couldn't have a child? The 14-15 year old baby sitter? but wait, theres more to this mystery!
Back to 1987, I received a phone call from a lady in Hutchinson KS. She had been to Joplin MO to visit her step mom (French Lady) she had never met her before but wanted to know the lady who had been married to her dad. French lady, took out a box with some letters and in the box was a letter written in 1971 asking help to find an Alberta Rooks, or Roy Rooks. She hadn't known what to do with the letter since he had died in 1961, and, she didn't now anything about Alberta, she just put it in a box.
Now, 16 years later, it was being answered!
Jeanette was the oldest child of Roy Rooks, and she remembered fully when her daddy left her, her mom, and sister for our biomom!
She didn't hold it against our mom, but she sure did against her dad.
Her mom had remarried a wonderful man a few years later and she was thankful she had such a good step daddy. She has a heart as big as Texas, and has been the baby sitter for most of Hutchinson! Her sister is Barbara in Savannah GA. We got together quite often for a few years but have since lost touch.
1988 My wonderful Adoptive parents, had a birthday party for me after finding my siblings, and, we had our first reunion! We at that time had not found the baby sister Nancy Jo or her biobrother Michael. Louise didn't have a way to come, but my two brothers Carl & Roy were there, my oldest sister Annie from Missouri meeting her for the first time, she was the sister, I had always hoped for!!! The two step sisters Jeannette, Bill & Delaine, & DJ & Barbara& Cheryll WOW WHAT A 36th Birthday PARTY!!! It made up for all the ones I missed as a child! My two brothers even took care of the entertainment, we had a water hose fight! WHAT FUN!
1997, I got my first computer. I had heard about "chat" rooms for adopted people, and I was still looking for the baby sister and brother who had been driven off from the cemetery on the day of biomoms funeral.
I took home the computer, hooked it up, not knowing that AOL was a long distance call, and not knowing anything about computers, I think I did pretty good hooking it up, and getting on line with in a day! My first phone bill was 90.00!!! That quickly got taken care of once I learned local numbers to get hooked up to.
I put in the word adoption and found a world of info, and chat rooms.
But, not my sister. Time passed, now aprox 1998, and, we moved. I got back online, and, found a message board where I could put a listing for my baby sister asking for anyone knowing of a Nancy Jo Fisher daughter born 1957, and Mike Fisher, born 1955, children of Alberta Rooks Fisher please contact me. With in days, I had an email from a lady who had also seen a search put out by my baby sister looking for for Alberta Rooks.....she put two and two together and put my baby sister in touch with me!
I drove to Texas to meet her, and this was a VERY happy Reunion!!
As she had a cell phone, and I had a cell phone, we called each other to check and see our locations, trucks we were driving, etc, and out she flew, came running to my truck, all 95 pounds of her....here was this tiny little spit fire from Texas, the baby sister we finally had found each other!! !
We enjoyed a week in Texas, and then drove to Muskogee, met her/our brother Michael who had been missing since 1959, and all the rest of us.... on March 3, 1999 we, all 7 of us, were in the same room, for the first time in 40 years! Here were the oldest 3, then me whom they hadn't known about, the next three two of which had been whisked away when 2, and 4, and now for the first time we sat with some of our children and visited in the same room! The oldest remembered the two youngest, so were totally thrilled at reuniting with them, but, once again, I was the outsider, but at least I was part of the reason we got all together!!
It was not an Oprah style reunion, and it took several years to get it all together but I am so very happy we were able to get that one reunion it.
Our oldest brother Roy who, also kept us all stirred up with his behaviors and gossips about one another, came to Kansas to see our step sister, but, choose not to stop in and see me since he was upset with me for not loaning him some money. He was in Kansas for Christmas 1999, drove back to Oklahoma, and, on the day before New Years Eve of 2000, I got a call he was found dead in his apartment, apparently a heart attack when he got home from Hutchinson.
Since he was always showing up unannounced and always upset if I already had plans, it didn't surprise me he died on THE WEEKEND of the Millennium for party plans! I packed up and went to Oklahoma to help clean out his apartment, there was no one else that could go do it at that time except Delaine her sister DJ, and brother Carl, and myself. We had his body cremated, and, laid to rest in a local cemetery, but, had no service.....Which I feel sad about but my niece wanted to put something together after the holiday when everyone could be there, but..never did...
Baby sis, Nancy Jo, has since been doing so much more searching, and, has come up with the biggest mystery......Her adoptive mom was the 14-15 year old baby sitter from 1957, who, also, might be that child who was given away to the couple who couldnt have a child!!!!
Baby sis has found so many other mysteries, I have asked her to QUIT looking, we will NEVER find answers, these people are dead and buried! Her adoptive father is still alive, but...wont tell her anything....why do people think they are doing a favor by keeping secrets!!!
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
middle of the night intimacy was only there with one...
dream of returning to the past
fear of going back to same old behaviors
waking up facing the past
revolution of the mind.....
have to wake up, but yet this nitemare continues
cant grasp on to the merrygoround ring
keep missing it and getting thrown off....
falling out of life, every fall takes a tole on my body and soul
i keep trying to grab on and i keep falling off
The one I really wanted didnt want me, he walked outwithout saying goodbye, and I never heard from him again.....he tore my heart out, and left me along the road as road kill, to bleed todeath...
partner is gone again in treatment center, now, do i wait for him, hoping the changes will actually take place or is he hopeless, I just hate feeling hopeless for him....he is such a good person when he is sober, but.....can he change? or, am i alone the rest of my life?
My only dream was to be in love and loved....
I guess that is why I dont know what I want to be when I grow up because every time I have left a relationship, its starting over again, loosing all the dreams, and visions of my future, taking me down to the pits of hell, and not knowing how to rise up on my own instead of having another man in my life....
I hopelessly believe in soul mates
and i believe our souls travel searching for that soul
sometimes it is fluttered by a second of recognation, but, until it is truly touched by the other soul, it cant be connected
When that love fleets away our heart is broken, shattered, takes a long time putting it back together....
WHAT IS HAPPINESS ?
being here with you.....The one who is love....who can love....who does love...
memories of the fall, faces from the past
who was the love from the past...?
subconscious thing, treated women carelessly, here today gone tomorrow, never seen again....life moved on but yet my heart lingers for his touch, his look, his gentleness....
then partner came into my life, became like family to me, i dont want to give up on him, i need an answer, i need more...i am loosing hope, and dont like that feeling..
you tell me you want to have a future with me but your actions dont show it...I cant keep going like this...
dream of returning to the past
fear of going back to same old behaviors
waking up facing the past
revolution of the mind.....
have to wake up, but yet this nitemare continues
cant grasp on to the merrygoround ring
keep missing it and getting thrown off....
falling out of life, every fall takes a tole on my body and soul
i keep trying to grab on and i keep falling off
The one I really wanted didnt want me, he walked outwithout saying goodbye, and I never heard from him again.....he tore my heart out, and left me along the road as road kill, to bleed todeath...
partner is gone again in treatment center, now, do i wait for him, hoping the changes will actually take place or is he hopeless, I just hate feeling hopeless for him....he is such a good person when he is sober, but.....can he change? or, am i alone the rest of my life?
My only dream was to be in love and loved....
I guess that is why I dont know what I want to be when I grow up because every time I have left a relationship, its starting over again, loosing all the dreams, and visions of my future, taking me down to the pits of hell, and not knowing how to rise up on my own instead of having another man in my life....
I hopelessly believe in soul mates
and i believe our souls travel searching for that soul
sometimes it is fluttered by a second of recognation, but, until it is truly touched by the other soul, it cant be connected
When that love fleets away our heart is broken, shattered, takes a long time putting it back together....
WHAT IS HAPPINESS ?
being here with you.....The one who is love....who can love....who does love...
memories of the fall, faces from the past
who was the love from the past...?
subconscious thing, treated women carelessly, here today gone tomorrow, never seen again....life moved on but yet my heart lingers for his touch, his look, his gentleness....
then partner came into my life, became like family to me, i dont want to give up on him, i need an answer, i need more...i am loosing hope, and dont like that feeling..
you tell me you want to have a future with me but your actions dont show it...I cant keep going like this...
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Hi Ho Hi Ho Back to the Looney Bin he goes....
He stayed away 4 days, showed up on my doorstep asking to take a shower, and sleep in his bed once last time. Of course me being the push over, I allowed it.
He slept most of the next day, Im sure being out in the elements for 4 days, with 99 degree temps, he was totally wiped out. The next day after his sleep, we enjoyed the 4th of July, knowing he had a new job waiting for him on the 5th, he seemed excited, humbled, and knowing this was his last chance at change.
At least I have good memories of our last day together, he wasnt DRUNK on his ASS!
It was the good guy I fell in love with and have not been able to let go of.
The 5th came, he got up early to get to work by 7am. At 8:45 he called saying they were sending him over to the next town to pick up some parts, he would call me at lunch. He never did. I left work at 12pm, drove by the job sight and his truck was not there, he didnt answer his phone, I went home, threw his cloths on the porch and called his cell phone leaving a message that his clothes were on the porch, he needed to pick them up before I got home at 3pm.
5pm came along, he showed up, not drunk, but, had had a beer in hand.
Saying he was going back to the looney bin, for me to sell his stuff he cant seem to get it together and knows he is leaving me in a mess financially since he has not been able to hold down a job for more than a few of months at a time for the last 4 years.
Today I went and picked up boxes to get his stuff packed and off my porch.
I have gone through so many ranges of emotions, pissed off at myself for allowing him to stay almost 6 years, wanting to believe in him so much, knowing he could change if he just allowed the holy spirit to take over his life, but, he is void, empty, and cant seem to grasp hold of the teachings, or..doesnt want to.
I dont know what the answers are but, now, once again, I find myself having to start over AGAIN!
My life has been total hell for the last 30 years with little repreive inbetween.
Divorced twice, now this relationship over, broken dreams, faded visions, nothing more than void in my life also. Trying to hold on to what Faith I have left, and the memories of what few good times I have had in my life.
Each divorce is like a death, family and friends fall by the wayside, no one invites me to dinners, I have become invisible to them, and, others. I can walk into a grocery store or department store and no one notices me, i can rarely get a smile out of others walking past me.
I just feel so empty and unfullilled.
I know there are millions of others out there less fortunate than me, and right now I am feeling very self centered, but, cant seem to get past the pain of loss, over and over and over...I keep a smile on my face at work, few people know my problems, but.....I am dying on the inside, and, no one can help me....
I read articles about "I am in control of my future" THAT IS BULLSHIT!
Every step I have taken to secure my future has sent me deeper in to hell....
I just dont know how to pull my bootstraps up and get going again.
My body is so out of shape, my self confidence is wiped out, and, Iam totally alone.
Son lives in Colorado, daughter lives 40 minutes away both have their own lives.
Son didnt even call me for my birthday yesterday.
Daughter and family took me out for dinner last night which was very much appreciated. Several people from my job acknowledged it, which made me feel appreciated but.....where are tehy today when Im really needing someone?
Life sux then you die.....
He slept most of the next day, Im sure being out in the elements for 4 days, with 99 degree temps, he was totally wiped out. The next day after his sleep, we enjoyed the 4th of July, knowing he had a new job waiting for him on the 5th, he seemed excited, humbled, and knowing this was his last chance at change.
At least I have good memories of our last day together, he wasnt DRUNK on his ASS!
It was the good guy I fell in love with and have not been able to let go of.
The 5th came, he got up early to get to work by 7am. At 8:45 he called saying they were sending him over to the next town to pick up some parts, he would call me at lunch. He never did. I left work at 12pm, drove by the job sight and his truck was not there, he didnt answer his phone, I went home, threw his cloths on the porch and called his cell phone leaving a message that his clothes were on the porch, he needed to pick them up before I got home at 3pm.
5pm came along, he showed up, not drunk, but, had had a beer in hand.
Saying he was going back to the looney bin, for me to sell his stuff he cant seem to get it together and knows he is leaving me in a mess financially since he has not been able to hold down a job for more than a few of months at a time for the last 4 years.
Today I went and picked up boxes to get his stuff packed and off my porch.
I have gone through so many ranges of emotions, pissed off at myself for allowing him to stay almost 6 years, wanting to believe in him so much, knowing he could change if he just allowed the holy spirit to take over his life, but, he is void, empty, and cant seem to grasp hold of the teachings, or..doesnt want to.
I dont know what the answers are but, now, once again, I find myself having to start over AGAIN!
My life has been total hell for the last 30 years with little repreive inbetween.
Divorced twice, now this relationship over, broken dreams, faded visions, nothing more than void in my life also. Trying to hold on to what Faith I have left, and the memories of what few good times I have had in my life.
Each divorce is like a death, family and friends fall by the wayside, no one invites me to dinners, I have become invisible to them, and, others. I can walk into a grocery store or department store and no one notices me, i can rarely get a smile out of others walking past me.
I just feel so empty and unfullilled.
I know there are millions of others out there less fortunate than me, and right now I am feeling very self centered, but, cant seem to get past the pain of loss, over and over and over...I keep a smile on my face at work, few people know my problems, but.....I am dying on the inside, and, no one can help me....
I read articles about "I am in control of my future" THAT IS BULLSHIT!
Every step I have taken to secure my future has sent me deeper in to hell....
I just dont know how to pull my bootstraps up and get going again.
My body is so out of shape, my self confidence is wiped out, and, Iam totally alone.
Son lives in Colorado, daughter lives 40 minutes away both have their own lives.
Son didnt even call me for my birthday yesterday.
Daughter and family took me out for dinner last night which was very much appreciated. Several people from my job acknowledged it, which made me feel appreciated but.....where are tehy today when Im really needing someone?
Life sux then you die.....
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