He stayed away 4 days, showed up on my doorstep asking to take a shower, and sleep in his bed once last time. Of course me being the push over, I allowed it.
He slept most of the next day, Im sure being out in the elements for 4 days, with 99 degree temps, he was totally wiped out. The next day after his sleep, we enjoyed the 4th of July, knowing he had a new job waiting for him on the 5th, he seemed excited, humbled, and knowing this was his last chance at change.
At least I have good memories of our last day together, he wasnt DRUNK on his ASS!
It was the good guy I fell in love with and have not been able to let go of.
The 5th came, he got up early to get to work by 7am. At 8:45 he called saying they were sending him over to the next town to pick up some parts, he would call me at lunch. He never did. I left work at 12pm, drove by the job sight and his truck was not there, he didnt answer his phone, I went home, threw his cloths on the porch and called his cell phone leaving a message that his clothes were on the porch, he needed to pick them up before I got home at 3pm.
5pm came along, he showed up, not drunk, but, had had a beer in hand.
Saying he was going back to the looney bin, for me to sell his stuff he cant seem to get it together and knows he is leaving me in a mess financially since he has not been able to hold down a job for more than a few of months at a time for the last 4 years.
Today I went and picked up boxes to get his stuff packed and off my porch.
I have gone through so many ranges of emotions, pissed off at myself for allowing him to stay almost 6 years, wanting to believe in him so much, knowing he could change if he just allowed the holy spirit to take over his life, but, he is void, empty, and cant seem to grasp hold of the teachings, or..doesnt want to.
I dont know what the answers are but, now, once again, I find myself having to start over AGAIN!
My life has been total hell for the last 30 years with little repreive inbetween.
Divorced twice, now this relationship over, broken dreams, faded visions, nothing more than void in my life also. Trying to hold on to what Faith I have left, and the memories of what few good times I have had in my life.
Each divorce is like a death, family and friends fall by the wayside, no one invites me to dinners, I have become invisible to them, and, others. I can walk into a grocery store or department store and no one notices me, i can rarely get a smile out of others walking past me.
I just feel so empty and unfullilled.
I know there are millions of others out there less fortunate than me, and right now I am feeling very self centered, but, cant seem to get past the pain of loss, over and over and over...I keep a smile on my face at work, few people know my problems, but.....I am dying on the inside, and, no one can help me....
I read articles about "I am in control of my future" THAT IS BULLSHIT!
Every step I have taken to secure my future has sent me deeper in to hell....
I just dont know how to pull my bootstraps up and get going again.
My body is so out of shape, my self confidence is wiped out, and, Iam totally alone.
Son lives in Colorado, daughter lives 40 minutes away both have their own lives.
Son didnt even call me for my birthday yesterday.
Daughter and family took me out for dinner last night which was very much appreciated. Several people from my job acknowledged it, which made me feel appreciated but.....where are tehy today when Im really needing someone?
Life sux then you die.....
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